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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be furious with my mother

49 replies

Lilfabet · 31/08/2018 20:03

Last month my partner and I experienced a CP. I was upset and text my sister to get my my mum to call me as she was staying at my sisters house overseas and that was the only way to get hold of mum. I asked her specifically not to tell my sister as she got pregnant the very first time she tried and we’re not close. Also she lacks empathy and I didn’t want to discuss it with her.
When I told mum she said “oh, ok. How is the cat?”. WTAF??!
Then when she got home mum told me I’d put her in a terrible position with my sister and she ‘had to’ tell her.
I’m furious but don’t know if I’m just being daft. Do I discuss this with mum or just let it slide?

OP posts:

Shmithecat · 31/08/2018 20:52

If your sister was in the same room as your mum, it's a bit difficult for her to converse with you about the CP... maybe the cat question was a tactic to divert your sisters attention from the actual reason for the call...

IdahoJones · 31/08/2018 20:52

A CP is an early positive pregnancy test basically followed by a period (and therefore not a pregnancy). Hopes dashed.

MarianneAgain · 31/08/2018 20:54

I'm glad you asked that, @apostropheuse, as i was wracking my brains trying to work it out... Something Pregnancy? But the OP wasn't pregnant.

Back to the OP, was the "hows the cat?" comment an awkward attempt on your Mum's part to camouflage the reason you wanted to speak to her?
Personally, if I hadn't wanted my sister to know I would have waited until I could speak to my Mum without her knowing.... I agree with your Mum that you did rather put her on the spot. Sorry.

pictish · 31/08/2018 20:57

Ah I see...I’m sorry OP. You must be very sad.

I agree with Oly5 though.

I do hope it happens for you very soon. Xx

LIZS · 31/08/2018 20:57

I wonder if your dm fully comprehended what you were saying. Maybe she underestimated the concern you had and it would have been better communicated face to face on her return. Perhaps try not to share such emotional details with her in future unless it is an emergency and you need her support.

scrappydappydoo · 31/08/2018 20:58

Op - no advice but I totally get why you're upset. Does your mum know you've been trying for awhile? Maybe she has similar views to cherrypavlova - that she just doesn't understand the hurt and pain. My mil said similar to me and it still upsets me that she just dismissed my whole situation like that. Please look after yourself.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 31/08/2018 20:59

Whether or not you discuss it with your mother depends on the outcome you want, and the outcome you think you're likely to get.

In my case, it would be absolutely pointless because my sister and mother both view me as the troublemaker in the family, and this would only 'prove' it to them, like absolutely everything else that I do. The only way I'd have a hope of communicating it to them in a way they understand would be to involve my brother, which obviously is a silly idea.

If you did discuss it with them, what outcome would you be hoping for? Is it a reasonable possibility? What would you actually want from it?

I suspect, painful as it might be, that you may just need to absorb it if your family is as unsympathetic as it appears to be. Otherwise it might just make you feel even worse.

I'm sorry for the pain you're going through.

incywincybitofa · 31/08/2018 21:01

I wonder if your mum isn't as emotionally literate as you are.
The cat comment may have been because she needed something to say, but couldn't find the words.
The telling of your sister, may have been because she was upset and needed to release it.

The way she talks to you-again may be that she is emotionally messed up on the inside.
At the end of the day though; you cannot tell someone something and decide they must tell no one. Once you have told them they have to be able to handle that information as they wish, and if you don't like potential outcomes then don't tell them.

NotTakenUsername · 31/08/2018 21:03

Is your mum usually supportive?

Knittedfairies · 31/08/2018 21:04

I’m another thinking that maybe your sister was in the room when your mum answered your call, and the cat query was just something to say; you did put her in a somewhat awkward position.

buckeejit · 31/08/2018 21:06

I'm sorry for your loss Op. try not to worry about the future. Still plenty of hope for future positives. I'd box this issue off as much as possible for a while until you have time to process your grief.

Were you in a lot of pain that you went to hospital & do they think there is any other cause for the pain?

I've had 3 miscarriages & it's impossible not to get your hopes up & plan an alternative future from the minute you think you're pregnant but sadly the first12 week's are precarious. People rarely react how we want them to & you know for the future that you can't trust your mum not to tell your sister. What has your sis said to you?

Original poster

Lilfabet · 31/08/2018 21:08

Mum had been supportive up to now. She tried for 3 years to have me after trying for 4 to have my sister so she knows how disappointing every period is.
Also my sister wasn’t in the room when I spoke to mum, she’d just decided that my cat had died?!

OP posts:

Original poster

Lilfabet · 31/08/2018 21:10

Buckeejit my sister hasn’t said a word but we generally don’t speak to each other so that’s not a new thing

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 31/08/2018 21:12

What do you mean she'd 'decided' your cat had died?

Katedotness1963 · 31/08/2018 21:15

It seems like a bit of a surprise announcement to give over the phone while saying, don't say anything about it. I could see where it might be confusing as how to answer. "I thought I was, I'm not, but don't say anything in front of sister" when there's a good chance your sister was right there in the room as it's her house.

I can see why you're upset at your mums response but given the circumstances, I'd cut her a little slack. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Original poster

Lilfabet · 31/08/2018 21:15

My cat is 24 years old....heartbreaking though it is, he’s not going to live forever. I’ve no idea what I’ll do without him...his paws are all over my heart!

OP posts:

Vivaldi1678 · 31/08/2018 21:15

I am very sorry for your disappointment OP, but I do sense some jealousy and resentment of your sister, which is sad, and probably makes your mum feel uncomfortable if she is caught in the middle. I agree with other posters that the cat question was probably to divert attention, if your sister was in the room when you called. Good luck.

shockthemonkey · 31/08/2018 21:23

OMG your cat is ancient. That's quite a feat -- congratulations!

Sorry about the CP. There is simply no policing how family react to disappointments like late periods, miscarriages and even late miscarriages/stillbirths.

You have to forget about it and concentrate on the people who know how to support you properly.

Good luck and

NotTakenUsername · 31/08/2018 21:27

I think you are being unreasonable to be furious.
I think you are understandably upset, and I think that is translated into anger.
And as a pp said perhaps jealousy or resentment that your sister became pregnant as soon as she started to try.
How are your empathy levels for your sister when she has tough times?

Lalliella · 31/08/2018 21:37

Good grief there’s some empathy missing on this thread. OP YANBU for being upset with your mum, she betrayed a confidence. We TTC for 3 years before having DS and I had a MC and an ectopic in that time. I didn’t tell my DM about the MC as I knew how she’d react, when I had the ectopic I had to tell her as she was coming to stay and she was a nightmare, putting pressure on me to tell my auntie and having a go because I’d told close friends but not family. I love her to bits but she’s not the right sort of person to help with this stuff and I don’t think your DM is either. Perhaps look to friends for support?

NonaGrey · 31/08/2018 21:48

I would absolutely not expect my parents to tell my sibling my private business if I specifically asked them not to. Even if they were staying in their house.

If questioned you Mum could have just said “your sister had a hard day and called for a vent/isn’t feeling well etc” no need at all to give details.

Your Mum behaved poorly. To be fair it may not have been malicious, some people are just a bit rubbish in the face of another’s grief. She is no doubt also terribly upset for you (especially given her personal experience) so it might all just have come tumbling out.

I hope you are feeling better now. Have a chat with your Mum when she comes home, you may be able to sort it all out.

cherish123 · 31/08/2018 21:49

Stopped reading as have no idea what CP is? The only acronym I could find was Cerebral Palsy and obviously this doesn't make sense!

IdahoJones · 31/08/2018 21:53

CP = chemical pregnancy.

As per my previous post:

"A CP is an early positive pregnancy test basically followed by a period (and therefore not a pregnancy). Hopes dashed."

NonaGrey · 31/08/2018 22:20

Stopped reading as have no idea what CP is?

Seriously people, read the thread, it’s been explained.

Apart from which it’s easy enough to find if you google “CP pregnancy definition”

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