Do I have a right to be annoyed?

[TryingToThinkPositively]

A few months ago, DP burnt several holes (with a coal from his shisha pipe) in my expensive rug in our front room, which I'd both saved up for and spent all of my birthday money on a few years back. Alongside ruining the rug, he'd also burnt a huge patch of our carpet - we rent, so the whole carpet will need replacing should we ever move, or else we risk losing our deposit. He's still not attempted to patch the carpet like he said he would, though he did replace the rug (with a different, cheaper one), which is fair enough.

Anyway, this morning I've woken up and come in to the front room after going to bed before DP, and I've noticed that yet again, he's burnt another huge hole in the new rug, more little holes surrounding the big one, a burn stain on our sofa and charcoal ash all over the arm of the sofa and our side table.
I rang him upon discovering it, obviously fuming, and was basically told I was overreacting and that it's 'just a rug'.

I take pride in our home and it looks nice thanks to me and only me. I put a large chunk of my 'luxury money' in to making each room look as good as I can on what little budget I have, so to me, it isn't 'just a rug'. It's another thing of mine that I really liked that he's burnt, yet again.

It'll need replacing as there's literally nothing that can be done to patch it up or disguise the giant, melted burn mark. I'm so annoyed that this has happened again, but DP is being so blasé and acting as though he should be totally left off Scott free because it was another 'accident'. While it may have been an accident, I can imagine he'd be feeling as angry as I do right now had I burnt holes in his stuff.... twice. I'd say around a collective amount of £250-£300 worth of stuff has now been ruined thanks to his carelessness with his shisha pipe, but apparently I'm in the wrong for being mad about this!?

Would this annoy you? Or should I just accept that my stuff keeps getting burnt and destroyed?

That's the sort of thing that the deposit is for.

I’d put a smoke alarm in every room.

I was once staying with a friend on holidays. Her flatmate passed out drunk on the sofa with a cigarette, and the (foam) sofa melted, no flames just acrid smoke. Black walls. We were lucky we woke up. He was lucky we woke him up. What can a burning coal do?

The main issue is that he's simply not seeing why or how the rug is important to me. It's not the fact that it's just a rug, it could've been an item of my clothing or a cushion or something!
or your house

no flames just acrid smoke

Most fire deaths are the result of smoke inhalation. And smoke from foam furniture is often very toxic.

You've been lucky

If this arsehole is just your partner not husband then whats stoppping you from telling him to get out?
He has no respect for your stuff or you. Telling you that he cant replace it because of family birthday!!!! fuck that. So basically his family are important but not you. Its time for them to have him before he burns your house down. He will its only a matter of time.

I’d definitely get him agree to only smoke this thing outside. If he complains, or says ‘but it’s only a rug, you’re making too much fuss’ , point out how disappointing you find his lack of respect for your belongings, and for your feelings.. Ask him how he would feel if you’d damaged something of his through carelessness, not once but twice (and replaced the first damaged item with something cheaper!).

OP YANBU I'd be furious and end the relationship.

Just on a side point, of course he's addicted to nicotine. Tourists don't pop for some shisha in Camden to 'chill out' unless they're also addicted to nicotine - unless they only ever do it once (and hate it), which isn't comparable to your man. If he wasn't addicted, smoking a shisha regularly would be utterly bizarre behaviour. You both 'enjoy' smoking because you're addicted. Which is fine and legal, but please don't kid yourselves. And yes, shisha is way more harmful than vaping, so it's not just the rug he's ruining. Public infommercial over!

pigsDOfly, Kamma is clearly not saying that the landlord isn't entitled to take money for the damaged carpet out of the deposit. What she is saying is that he won't be entitled to take very much - only for the section that is damaged, and only at its actual value which, as a second-hand piece of cheap and probably poor quality carpet, will in practice be very little.

I mean bottom line, I don't care whether he's addicted or not. All I know is I couldn't go a few days without a cigarette without pulling my hair out, he'll go for weeks up to a month without using his shisha and be absolutely fine. So with that in mind, I don't really see it as an addiction, but if he is, then it doesn't bother me. We all have our vices, just mine won't ruin neither mine nor his possessions or fuck up our home.

I'm definitely going to have to try and make him see the importance of this issue and how badly things could have escalated. I know full well he'd be mad at me if I burnt his things.. twice, so I'm unsure as to why I should simply get over this. I know what he's like though and he'll continue trying to tell me that it's not a big deal when he gets home later 😤

"I was starting wonder if I was being dramatic based on the way he was talking to me. "

Why-was he making it your fault?

Why didn't you make him replace the rug with the same one?

He sounds so uncaring.

Honestly, have a think about how many other things you are supposed to accept are 'not a big deal' because they do not matter to him? Does he, by any chance, dig at you for being middle class or prissy or boring when you ask him to his share of washing up? Does he prioritise his family but either ignore or criticize yours? Is it always you who has to cancel or change plans if he has a better offer, or just doesn't fancy whatever was arranged?
It's not the fact that he burned your rug once, it's the fact that he keeps on doing it, and criticizes you for minding. I'm getting a mental picture of a fucking fake-hippy who helps himself to whatever he wants and tells other people they are too materialistic if they complain when he either consumes their food/drink/shampoo or destroys their property. People like this are not just selfish, they are often bullies along with the selfishness: they think that they simply matter more than other people.

" I know full well he'd be mad at me if I burnt his things"

So what does that tell you?

Why bother talking to him-he obviously doesn't care or he would have replaced your rug & been apologetic & taken steps to not do the same again.

What I'm wondering is why you're questioning whether you have a 'right' to be annoyed about someone destroying your things - since when is it ever ok for a person to burn holes in another person's belongings and not give a shit about it??

This, and also, are you co-tenants? I mean, did you move in together into the rental house? Because you sound very much as though he thinks of the rugs as yours, not his, hence he's entirely careless with them. Is he one of those cavemen who see furniture as 'women's stuff'?

Fuck me. It’s not just about the loss of a rug (as shitty as that is). Your DP has been carelessness enough, that he could have caused a fire in your house, TWICE.
Of course you’re not unreasonable. He’s a an arse and this is not shit you should be putting up with.
Please, please make sure you have several working fire alarms for the inevitable third time he drops the hot coals on flammable objects.

@InezGraves the first rug that he ruined was very much mine. I used all of the birthday money that I received that year to help me buy that specific rug that I'd had my eye on for ages. I also saved up for months so I could get it, so yes, it was mine. Just as he has artwork, or guitars etc that are his. I feel like I'm more careful with his stuff, because it's not mine to break, so I kind of assumed that everyone acted in that way.
While I do believe it was another accident, I'm now thinking, 'What if the next accident involves the coal rolling under the sofa where he can't get to it?' then what..? You know, the more I think about this, the angrier I'm getting.

We're co-tenants yes, both on the contract.

Once is an accident. Twice is stupidity and selfishness.

He may not care a bit about your rugs, but what about the possibility of the house catching fire?

He’s burnt holes in things through carelessness several times. What happens if he does this again and fails to spot a bit of smouldering sofa?

Do I have a right to be annoyed? You have to ask? You should be absolutely furious with selfish entitled waste of space. You wont be asking when your house burns down with you and him in it. For pity's sake.

That's completely disrespectful, it's not just bad that he is not being careful enough with your things (or your landlords) but that you're paying for his mistakes. He should be going out of his way to apologise and buy a new rug but it sounds like he doesn't care. Op don't buy a new rug, you shouldn't have to. I would throw him out.

Seriously OP if you're not irrevocably married to him, lose him. He's b a danger to you both and doesnt care.

So how would he feel if you kept accidentally stubbing your fag out on the back of his hand? (I'm not actually advocating that!)

@pigsDOfly didn't say the LL shouldn't take money from the deposit. But that the LL should not try and better their own position by claiming for more than it is worth which they always try to do. Replacing the carpet as OP suggested she might do is betterment and not necessary. A friend of mine once absent mindedly put an iron down on a carpet while renting. The carpet was over 5 years old and LL had chosen as cheap as possible. Deposit Scheme didn't award any money as judged it to have run it's course anyway.

Why on earth would you be unreasonable here?

Well then I misunderstood what you meant Kamma89. I thought you were saying that the OP should appeal it and attempt not to have any money taken from the deposit for the things that are being damaged.

If the carpet is indeed old and cheap then clearly only the amount of the carpet's worth should be paid by the OP. The deposit protection scheme won't just hand money over on the LL's say so, it has to be proven by the LL that what he/she is claiming for is what it's worth and the tenant, in this case the OP, has to agree with that amount.

Hopefully the OP's partner won't end up setting fire to anything else in the home, or indeed the home itself, which would of course result in the loss of a great deal more than a bit of money for a damaged carpet.