My mother views gift giving as a competition

[BWrose]

I have one niece who is adorable. She is a grandchild to my mother.

I remember for my nieces first birthday, I wanted to get a keepsake item. Something unique. I spent some months saving and looking around and planning. Eventually I found something. I fell in love with it. Something my niece will hopefully have for a long time to come.

At the time, my mother wanted to see what I got her and I showed her. At time, my mother nearly sank with shock. The item that I got wasn't big or expensive but it was beautiful and perfect. It was almost as if my mother was envious or felt inferior because she wouldn't be able to match what I got or something on them lines. It was never my intention to cause drama or a competition. In the end my mother wasn't organised on time with her own gift for the child's birthday and in the end she got me to put her name down on the gift as if it was a joint gift.

Ever since then, Christmas and follow up birthdays were nearly the same. I hate cheap plastic and I love planning and sourcing unique gifts. For last year's birthday, I found a beautiful and cute teaset. Again my mother probably felt inferior. She had her own bits got for a gift and in the end she wanted and pushed me into pooling our gifts together.

My nieces birthday is coming up and as usual, I planned in advance and I'm prepared in time. Again I sourced something I think is beautiful and stunning. It's a doll and some story books about the doll and adventures the doll and her friends go on. I love it. It's pretty, it's girly. My nieces likes books too and so the books I got, picks uo on that aspect. I hope my niece will like it. I think she should.

My mother asked me, what I got her and I showed her. My mother loved it and she spoke positively but I saw her face last night, as if she was seething. My mother then went on mouthing - 'what will I get her now' etc.

I sat down with my mother last night, browsing online and I gave her a few ideas. I showed my mother a girly dress up outfit and other bits. My mother shot down everything I showed her - 'that won't do...not good enough...'

Honestly, my mother is only viewing this as a competition.

I think it’s nice that you’re helping her with her own gift. She obviously doesn’t have your knack for finding good gifts!

I understand that it’s frustrating that she keeps sharing yours. Next time tell her you haven’t found anything yet but you’re happy to help her find something. She might be more open minded about your suggestions if she doesn’t know what she’s competing against!

Keep your gifts quiet!

Agree with PP- next time she asks say you haven’t chosen anything yet and then keep t it quiet until the day. She needs to break this crazy cycle, for her own sake as much as yours.

Stop telling her what you've bought! Say you're busy so will be popping into town at some point. Stop letting her convince you to pool gifts or put her name down on your gifts too. This is easily solvable.

I'd then also maybe order some catalogues from nice places that stock kids gifts to be delivered to her home that you and her can flick through together and you can say "oh niece would love these". Myriad do a nice catalogue if I remember rightly, as do lots of other companies that sound like the sort you'd choose from.

She is putting way too much pressure on herself. You don't mention your neices parents - brother or sister. Perhaps have a word with them. Maybe for the next couple of gift giving occasions. Your sister or brother could suggest something g for your DM to buy. If the idea of a dressing up outfit came from them and there wasnlts of fuss about how much she likes it then perhaps you DM will feel a little more confident in her choices.

Also, don't tell or show her what you have bought.

I agree, don't share your gifts in advance. And honestly, you do sound a little boastful about how special your gift giving is. It's lovely you put in all this effort, but could you be secretly revealing in being the "superior" gift giver?

Agree with PP just don't tell her. Say you're not sure yet you'll pick something out and order it soon.

My mother can be like this and would take the joy out of things I'd bought by having them opened without me or telling the child in advance what I'd bought so the surprise was ruined. So in no uncertain terms she was told I would not be telling her anything I'd bought again.

That said, what you describe makes it seem like you're the one instigating the competition and always making sure you one up your mum with the perfect gift and never let her have the moment.

You might think it reads like she's competing with you, in fact, to me, the opposite comes across

It’s ckearly not your mum that’s making a competition, you are! And being very boasting about it as well! Either don’t tell her or continue to pool gifts.

You do sound like you're making it a competition. Dunno how many times you've described your presents as perfect, beautiful, unique etc. It's sounding like you have to have the best present to give out of anyone. Wonder how her parents feel.

If that wasn't your intention you wouldn't be bothered about sharing the present with your own mum. I've gotten presents before for my mum that were great for her and told my dad that it's from both of us to her.

I feel your pain.

My mum was like this with my son. I like to be organised and buy gifts early. She would ask me what I had bought, then cherry pick the best bits to give herself. Ok, so she gave me the money but that then left me scrabbling at the last minute to get extra things to give while she got all the glory of giving the most attractive and wanted gifts to MY child.

It is exasperating and for me not worth falling out with my hot tempered mother but it really pissed me off.

Yeah, OP, you're the one making into a competition, your gift for gift-giving is fine but you don't have to rub it in your mum's face. Of course she's going to feel a bit deflated about her own - I'm sure - perfectly acceptable gifts if you're going on about your tiresome tireless sourcing and unique curating and meticulous strategizing.

You bought your niece a doll and a book is all you have to say, why make such a big deal out of it?

You sound a bit over invested in this gift giving yourself to be honest.

Agree with Ribbon.

If you went into such detail with US, strangers online about a gift, (well, a series of gifts over several years), I can only imagine how much you extolled the virtues to your mum and family.

Also...

I hope my niece will like it. I think she should.

Do you mean 'should' as in 'hopefully will', or 'should' as in, 'she must show appropriate transports of delight at the magical, special, beautiful, artistic thing I have bought her'?

If you dial down the public enthusiasm for gift giving, you'll break the cycle.

I’m missing the point entirely, but can you tell me where you got the doll and books from? Sounds great for my niece....

Sounds like you and DM are equally materialistic and attention seeking. Sorry. But seriously it's an object. No one gives a shit. If you want to actually show affection for your niece, spend time with her. Listen to her. Don't take her on a fancy trip or buy her expensive treats. Just spend quality time. All else is as dust.

Rednaxela of course, very worthy sentiments but to the average ( i.e. non-candidate for canonisation) child on her birthday if you say "I've brought you the gift of quality time wrapped up in love" it's probably going to go down like a lead balloon.

At the time, my mother wanted to see what I got her and I showed her. At time, my mother nearly sank with shock. The item that I got wasn't big or expensive but it was beautiful and perfect. It was almost as if my mother was envious or felt inferior because she wouldn't be able to match what I got or something on them lines. It was never my intention to cause drama or a competition

Honestly it sounds like you are the one having the competition, except in your mind you win every time. Your post is so strange. Your gift was so amazing perfect your mother almost died on the spot and was envious and upset about it....come off it. I'd say your mother is just thinking how truly odd you are being about gifts and wondering WTF you are on!

I can't understand why you keep telling her what you have bought? How have you not managed to learn your lesson???

Yabu to keep telling her what you buy

You are a gift attention seeker. I feel sorry for your mom that needs to feel anxious every time.

The fact that you keep stating that your mother feels inferior does seem to indicate that you are in competition with her and have a feeling of superiority regarding the gifts that you give. If you genuinely love gift sourcing/buying and want to get your niece the best gift possible why not ask your mum in the first instance if she wants to contribute and find something from the two of you rather than creating this cycle of competition?

Yep sorry with other pp here

You are way too over the top with gift giving and the faux hoping she will like it is fooling no-one

You are creating this dynamic....entirepy possible that your dm is like this too but you basically say you want her to roll over and accept you are the greatest giver of all time and not try and compete

You need to step away and get some perspective here to be honest

The fact that you keep stating that your mother feels inferior does seem to indicate that you are in competition with her and have a feeling of superiority regarding the gifts that you give

Indeed. OP your poor mother only feels inferior because are at such pains to make sure she does feel inferior. Stop doing it.

because you are at such pains