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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DF ex to get lost

51 replies

Mar1984 · 31/08/2018 08:54

DF ex has never worked, DD is 10 and DS6 they haven’t been together for 2 years. We have the children 50/50 and she claims all the benefits and we pay her maintenance weekly. My partner is self employed so works his hours to be able to do school runs for his kids on his days and when his are with there mother he does the school run for mine if I am working- I do different shifts every week and each are 12 hour. If he has his my DM collects and drops mine and he gets them on the way back as they are different schools at the other end of our town.
In June his Ex got a job and we had weeks of stress with her trying to change everything and wanted us to pay all childcare, job lasted 2 days before she got ‘let go’.
She is now saying she had to get a job as benefits are being cut. The AIBU is she wants us to pay childcare for 2/4 weeks a month. Her childcare has to be set days so she wants to pay for her weeks but wants us to pay the weeks we have them to hold the place. We won’t be using the childcare and my partner likes being able to collect/ drop his children. We can’t afford to pay 120 two weeks a month for childcare we won’t use. She says she is entitled to us to pay it but I want to tell her to get lost as we offered to try and move days to help etc but she says she is not Changing days so we just have to pay. She is only going to work 24 hours a week but states she needs childcare every day as if she is working she needs time for her. Despite not being able to afford it I think she is being a CF but it keeps going round and round and there seems no resolution- so I want to check if we are being unreasonable

OP posts:
strawberrisc · 31/08/2018 09:33

I was in this position. 50/50 but she had all the benefits PLUS on her weekends her Mum would babysit while she went out so all her weekends were effectively free. Didn’t do any homework with the kids etc.

We split up.

Starlight345 · 31/08/2018 09:36

I am also a Lp .

As you have offered to swap days most of her childcare will be paid

I also don’t know why you are paying maintenance

MsJolly · 31/08/2018 09:38

Just say no! There is no way you should pay for childcare you don't need! And she has plenty of me time on the 50% of the time that you have the DC! She is a CF of the highest order!

OnlyTheWelshCanCwtch · 31/08/2018 09:41

Shes what is called a CF

So you are having the kids half the time, shes claiming the Child Benefit and Tax Credits, and yet you still paying maintenance and buying school uniform as shes got no money?
This all needs to stop immediately.
You shouldn't be paying maintenance, yet alone half her childcare! And she gets all the benefits for the kids

Buy uniform for the days the days the kids are with you- and tell her you not paying any further maintenance!

Bibidy · 31/08/2018 09:46

OP she has no right to demand you pay for childcare you don't even need just to suit her.

Surely she can find some childcare somewhere that will cover only the days she needs?

Freshstart19 · 31/08/2018 09:49

Just say no! It's that simple. Tax credits will cover the majority of her childcare and she gets a weeks free time.
She is a CF!

ScrambledSmeggs · 31/08/2018 09:52

Not a chance!

timeisnotaline · 31/08/2018 10:01

Asking for a full week of childcare is massively taking the piss. But what do people with week on week off contact schedules do, it must be hard finding childcare that is happy to do every other week only. I guess I don’t know if asking the op to pay for 2-3 days on their week is cheeky or the only way to get childcare when it’s needed. But not sure you should be paying maintenance!

Maelstrop · 31/08/2018 10:07

You don’t need to pay maintenance with 50/50 care.

You can claim child credit for 1/2 children.

You only pay childcare if you use it.

You’re being taken for absolute mugs.

RandomMess · 31/08/2018 10:13

Don't pay for childcare as you don't need it, she pays for it and us likely to get some back in tax credits anyway!

Why don't you change the 50:50 split so you have the DC on the days she works then EOW type of arrangement?

Definitely time to review maintenance payments...

Original poster
Mar1984 · 31/08/2018 10:22

We offered to do the days she works both weeks and then every other weekend she said no she likes the week on and week off so she gets time to do stuff and relax- laughable considering she hasn’t started job yet and has worked 2 days in the last few years. We even said if she paid 2 days childcare every week and he collected them the other day a week and drop them once she finishes work so not changing days just us doing 1 more collection then she would be paying 4 days over 2 weeks not 5 days for her week so she would have 1 day a fortnight less to pay if that makes sense. But she saw it she was paying 2 days on our week and we were being out of order even thought over all she was paying 1 day less in total. She is adamant she needs 5 days childcare as she will be working and needs that time. I work full time/ shifts/ nights and weekends and unless it’s a sleep day because of nights I would never dream of paying for childcare as I want that time with my children

OP posts:
Original poster
Mar1984 · 31/08/2018 10:24

I mean paying for childcare if I was home doing nothing especially considering hey are all of school age so out the house 6 hours a day already

OP posts:
funinthesun18 · 31/08/2018 10:24

The children are with you 50/50 and you have to sort childcare out too which you have done. Just because you have an arrangement in place where you don’t need to pay for any childcare (your mum helps for example), doesn’t mean that her childcare issues are your/your DH’s problem. Your DH already pays her maintenance and she claims all benefits as well as the arrangement being 50/50 so she can go and run.

funinthesun18 · 31/08/2018 10:28

Though I guess at the moment, she is providing childcare so your DP can work?

Is she heck!

RandomMess · 31/08/2018 10:56

If she wants 5 days childcare she pays you don't need or want it it's up to her negotiate fees with the childcare provider to pay a retainer when it isn't used etc. Just wash your hands if it "not our problem" she has no leg to stand on over it!

Frusso · 31/08/2018 16:45

I'd be tempted to phone the provider to check prices and check whether there is a retainer. But then I've never had to pay a retainer for wrap-around care.

Thebluedog · 31/08/2018 16:51

So have I read this right?

You have his dc 50% of the time
You pay her maintenance
She claims all the benefits
She now wants all that AND for you to pay childcare?

She’s lucky you agree to one of those, let alone all of them. I’m all for both parents to share and cover the costs but she’s really taking this piss.’

ohreallyohreallyoh · 31/08/2018 17:02

If 50/50 is done on a week on/week off basis then she will have to pay childcare for both weeks to keep the space open. This is one of the reasons 50/50 can be problematic. Why should she have to pay for childcare she doesn’t use or need?

You are not responsible for paying childcare for days she doesn’t work however.

And no, she doesn’t ‘claim all the benefits’ given that they are means tested and as you and your partner work and presumably earn more than her 24 hours, you would be entitled to less. But by all means, quibble about it, try to make her look bad and ultimately, make yourself the better, benefit free household.

Original poster
Mar1984 · 31/08/2018 17:11

So oh really you are saying she shouldn’t have to pay for childcare she doesn’t use or need BUT she does need it on her days we don’t need it at all and as she is not budging on days so she doesn’t need to we should pick up that cost

OP posts:
Doubletrouble99 · 31/08/2018 17:13

But why is the OP 'responsible' for child care they are not using either? OP doesn't get any benefits but has the DCs 50% of the time. Why are you saying 'she doesn't claim all the benefits' ohreally?

LuluBellaBlue · 31/08/2018 17:21

Def don’t pay her childcare! And I say this as someone who split from my ds father when ds was 18 months old and is now 15. I would never have dreamt of asking him.
Ex is being a complete CF!!!!

funinthesun18 · 31/08/2018 17:23

If 50/50 is done on a week on/week off basis then she will have to pay childcare for both weeks to keep the space open.

So would the op’s DH if he needed to pay for childcare. That’s just the way it is.
Just because he doesn’t need to pay for childcare it doesn’t mean his ex’s childcare costs are his problem, just like it wouldn’t be if it was the other way around and she didn’t need to pay but he did. Equality and all that.

RandomMess · 31/08/2018 17:26

You don't need childcare, you won't use it so it is NOTHING to do with you!

She needs childcare 3 days every other week, that is her issue to sort out and pay for no one else.

You have been considerate offering a change in days that would benefit her, she has refused!!!

If she puts the child in childcare and you decide to make use of it then yes you should pay but you aren't so shut her down and say "your childcare costs are for you to pay we don't need to use it but we are happy to have DC those 3 days each week and EOW like we offered so you won't have childcare costs"

Seriously she is being a complete C.F.!!!

Original poster
Mar1984 · 31/08/2018 17:45

Thank you - it’s one of those situations where I think I am in the right saying we are not paying but am aware because of history I may be defensive about things when it comes to her as I feel she has a history of take take take do thought it best to ask the question x

OP posts:
TheMonkeyMummy · 31/08/2018 18:23

I would definitely say no, and I would be checking the maintenance situation as well. Obv you don't want the kids to suffer, but maybe she needs a little reminder of how joint custody works?