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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fuming at Dsis partner

45 replies

Rosegoldlilly · 31/08/2018 08:08

My Dsis is pregnant still early so not sure how far along. Anyway she started light bleeding yesterday and went to the hospital as she was in pain. They have kept her in overnight as suspect it could he ectopic. She's due to have a scan early this morning. She's quite upset.
Anyway her DP stayed for a bit last night and then went home. And apparently he has gone to work today. He is self employed so could take the time off. But he's not going up there! I'm fuming, so if she's told it's ectopic she's going to be alone with No one with her.
I've asked her if she wants someone there and she said that would he nice. So I'm trying to sort out either me or our DM to be with her.
AIBU to be angry at him for not being there for her? They have been together 6 years and lived together for 5.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 31/08/2018 08:10

Is she angry?

Just because someone is self employed doesn’t mean they can just drop everything. If he is normally supportive then I would assume he really can’t change things. Not ideal but how it is sometimes.

Original poster
Rosegoldlilly · 31/08/2018 08:15

She hasn't really said if she's upset about it but I would assume if your partner is in hospital and going to have a scan to be told if you've lost your baby or not you'd want to be there. It's not like it's a routine appointment.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 31/08/2018 08:16

Difference between WANTING to be there and being able to be there.

Either way it is for them to sort between them really.

Returnofthesmileybar · 31/08/2018 08:18

She probably hasn't said because she is hurt and upset with him and embarrassed he is such a twat. Poor girl, hope she gets good news today

Jenjenyeahyeah · 31/08/2018 08:22

Self employed doesn’t make it easier to just drop everything and go. In a company if you can’t go in there are others who can pick up the important elements of your work until you return. If you’re self employed it’s just you and if you can’t go in that means nothing gets done and could mean potentially a lot of money lost and contacts / customers who won’t return to use you again if you haven’t been able to deliver promises.
It’s between them, it’s nice you’re fighting her corne while she’s feeling ill but it rarely pays to come between spouses.

Original poster
Rosegoldlilly · 31/08/2018 08:27

I will just say the type of job he is in he can easily drop it and not go. He works in a team so isn't alone and has not gone in for smaller things than this. I did ask her why did he go in and she said I don't know. She's my sister so obviously I'm going to be upset at the thought of her alone and upset in hospital

OP posts:
Whatamuddleduck · 31/08/2018 09:05

In this kind of situation my DP would probably do the same. Hates hospitals and would be distraught and wanting to keep busy. I’d want him there but he wouldn’t actually be much use. Has she actually said she wants him there and spoken to him?

Original poster
Rosegoldlilly · 31/08/2018 09:18

Not sure tbh. The baby doesn't have a heartbeat, so not nice news to receive when your alone I don't think

OP posts:
makingmammaries · 31/08/2018 09:28

An early pregnancy doesn’t have a heartbeat? Quite a lot of us have been there. I’m going to go out on a limb and say much worse things happen and I understand the DP going to work in order to keep one side of things together for his family.

Original poster
Rosegoldlilly · 31/08/2018 09:43

Very sensitive thanks! What might seem small and insignificant to one person might be a big thing to another. My Dsis is in a state so the nurse had to call my DM. Her DP should have been there with her

OP posts:
gindrinkingmarypoppins · 31/08/2018 09:46

Oh bless her. YANBU , I'd be royally pissed off with him too.

SlowDown76mph · 31/08/2018 09:47

Honestly? This is a rare occasion when I would 'interfere' by telling her partner that he needs to be there for her. Hopefully, it is just because he is thoughtless rather than a total arse.

mamas12 · 31/08/2018 09:50

You could phone him and ask him, you could then determine his motives and explain that you'll be there for her if he can't

garethsouthgatesmrs · 31/08/2018 09:51

Jenjenyeahyeah
that means nothing gets done and could mean potentially a lot of money lost

personally if my partner was about to potentially lose my child I would not really mind losing money!

makingmammaries
Quite a lot of us have been there. I’m going to go out on a limb and say much worse things happen

How insensitive and cruel. Thos woman may be about to have an ectopic pregnancy which will be heart breaking for her. Yes worst things happen but that can be said about almost anything anyone gets upset about ever!

OP I am really shocked at the responses you are getting. Unless he is a doctor or nurse and someone's life is threatened by him not going in I can't see why he doesn't prioritise your sister today. I think he found like an idiot and if I were your sister it would not go unnoticed. Maybe this is a sign of where he is with regard to having a child. Will he put the effort in then?

HelloToYou · 31/08/2018 09:52

None of your business! Stay out of their relationship!

Some people cope better with bad news alone - I certainly would have been better on my own!

HelloToYou · 31/08/2018 09:54

I'd be absolutely steaming angry if anyone butted into my relationship and told me or my DH what to do.

She's a grown up, if she wants her partner there then she can ring him herself.

Westworldmaeve · 31/08/2018 09:55

It really depends on the people involved. I have had an ectopic and multiple missed miscarriages and for me it wouldn't matter who was present since I have to get through all the emotions myself anyway. I also don't believe that pregnancy means you get to be a mother, but that's my experience so I might be more laudback about it.

Since you write that your sister seems to be in a state, can't you go to her and support her? It might help with both your feelings.

Westworldmaeve · 31/08/2018 09:56

Laidback....

Westworldmaeve · 31/08/2018 09:59

Thos woman may be about to have an ectopic pregnancy which will be heart breaking for her.

Not everyone is heartbroken to have an ectopic. I don't automatically expect good news, they don't scan you just for the fun of it. I was pretty relaxed about it till the miscarriage started and the hormones kicked in. Everybody reacts differently.

longwayoff · 31/08/2018 10:00

You need to mind your own business.

Original poster
Rosegoldlilly · 31/08/2018 10:03

Yea I was texting her trying to arrange to go. I have a DS2 so would be a bit insensitive to turn up with him when that's just happened. Was going to see if DM could of had him or for her to go. Her DP called my DM as he couldn't get through to her and she had to break the news to him and he said "I shouldn't have gone to work really" so he knows it was a mistake going. He is now going to pick her up. I'm just baffled that he wasn't there to begin with for support. He didn't even know if there was bad news as he went to work so it's not like he was alone to cope.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rosegoldlilly · 31/08/2018 10:04

Why are people telling me to mind my business when it's my Dsis involved. Not like I'm going to turn my back on her and say it's alright you just get on with it. Oh and dw about your idiot dp who just left you alone to find out your having a miscarriage.

OP posts:
rainbowstardrops · 31/08/2018 10:09

I think you've had some quite odd responses here OP.
I'd be cross on your sisters behalf too. She should have had her partner with her and he was very thoughtless not to realise this.
Hope your sister is ok Thanks

Skittlesandbeer · 31/08/2018 10:13

In my family, if a couple has been together for 6 years, and living together, then we’d think nothing of contacting them directly at times like this. And we’re not particularly close or in each other’s pockets.

What does he think this is? The kind of relationship that means a bit of fun, and join the group at Christmas lunch?

I’d be asking him once the dust settles, what he was playing at?? Not rudely or yelling, just human to human. And I’d be telling sis about his reaction. This may well not be the best person to start a family with. Will he be disappearing every time things get tough for her? Sheeesh!

TomHardysNextWife · 31/08/2018 10:16

My DH is self employed, and I've gone through most things alone. It's utterly crap.......... I feel very sorry for your Dsis Sad.

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