To be fuming at Dsis partner

[Rosegoldlilly]

My Dsis is pregnant still early so not sure how far along. Anyway she started light bleeding yesterday and went to the hospital as she was in pain. They have kept her in overnight as suspect it could he ectopic. She's due to have a scan early this morning. She's quite upset.
Anyway her DP stayed for a bit last night and then went home. And apparently he has gone to work today. He is self employed so could take the time off. But he's not going up there! I'm fuming, so if she's told it's ectopic she's going to be alone with No one with her.
I've asked her if she wants someone there and she said that would he nice. So I'm trying to sort out either me or our DM to be with her.
AIBU to be angry at him for not being there for her? They have been together 6 years and lived together for 5.

Have you thought he might be running away from the situation because of his own feelings and he might be very scared. I know you’re gunna say he’s not that type but you just don’t know, especially if this is their first pregnancy. Don’t get me wrong he’s not acting reasonably but sometimes the possibility of grief makes us do strange things. My exdp choked on some food once and instead of helping I got up and ran out of the house. Like what on Earth? I can’t explmain why I did it I just wanted to be away from the situation. He was rightly very very angry though

Maybe he went in because he was telling himself it would be okay and pretending things were normal helped with that?

He should have been with her and it sounds like he realises that now but he could be having some difficult emotions himself and not knowing how best to deal with them.

Is he normally a dick? If so then you’re justified with your fuming. If he’s normally a decent guy though I’d cut him some slack. He may have hoped all was going to be ok. Sounds like he’s reconsidered that now

My Dsis has always said he can be very selfish and before this I've not been a fan of how he is to her sometimes. Don't get me wrong she's no Angel and I've never butted into their relationship. It just makes me angry for her and I just feel so sorry for her. I don't know what it's like to have a miscarriage but I can imagine it's awful!

@rosegoldlilly people are saying to butt out because there is a difference between supporting your sister and causing drama in their relationship at a very sensitive time. As far as he is aware at the time he may still be having a child so if he doesn’t work he doesn’t get paid I assume. You can be annoyed of course but I personally wouldn’t say anything about it as you could end up causing more distress for your sister and in the long term cause problems between the two of you, especially as now it seems he knows he made a mistake.

I haven't butted in and I wasn't going to. I just asked aibu to be angry at him. Like people have said it's their relationship not mine but that doesn't stop me feeling angry towards him

You’ve had some odd and quick frankly disgustingly insensitive posts here OP.

Of course you’re going to want to help your sister when she’s messaging you for support. Hope she’s doing ok.

If it is their first child then I do think that sometimes men (who have not had a child before) sometimes do not connect until later in the pregnancy. I had a miscarriage and my DH went in while it was happening and was coming along later. He was supportive but perhaps somewhat more detached from it. I had two further miscarriages and I think he then realised the enormity of it for the subsequent ones.

Please do accept that people deal with different things including the loss of a child/grief/bereavements in different ways and just because he is not conforming to what you expect does not mean he should be vilified.

Westworldmaeve the OP says her sis is upset

If that was my dsis I would be on the phone telling him to get down there, but my family are all far too involved in eachothers lives so this wouldn't be out of the ordinary I don't really buy this whole self employed, work must absolutely come first stuff. Sometimes in life there are just some things that mean family comes first and work just has to wait. I'm not sure I would like to be married to someone who didn't think like that too. Hope your dsis is ok.

Your feelings are your own and of course you are allowed to be angry. It shows that you care a lot about your sister. By all means vent to us, your DP and your friends. I agree with the above poster that it probably wouldn't be supportive to show your anger to your sister and her DP. It might create tension and she doesn't need anything else to cope with right now.

Well it sounds like he's made an error of judgement and realises this now. Everyone gets it wrong sometimes. No one is perfect.

Maybe he is generally awful in which case you can maybe try to talk to your sister another time about if this is a relationship that is good for her long term.

@garethsouthgatesmrs

Read the whole thread and my whole post. Some people say that of course she would be heartbroken so of course he should react etc etc. My point is that everyone reacts differently. I did. Her DP also wouldn't have known beforehand how sis would react to a miscarriage. I also acknowledged that OP said that her sister was in a state and I asked if she could then support her.

I guess this is down to how close the family is.
Personally my family wouldn't ever dare to even dream of interfering. My DH and DC are my family, parents and siblings and secondary and they know it.

Please don't start with he may be scared and hiding from the situation comments.

That's even worse IMO.

There really is no excuse. Work or not! He should have been there, his partner is loosing their child and is all alone. It's pathetic of him.

You are right to be angry!

Fun some responses think the DP may have not been there as it was too painful/he needed a distraction etc.

But yet his DP hasn't got the option to not deal with it...

Westworldmaeve I have read the whole thread and it was me who said she would be heartbroken. Her sis has said she was upset and doesn't know why her partner had left her. The OP has clearly said that she is trying to support her as she is in a state but it's her partner who should be supporting her. Why does her sister know she is in a state but her partner doesnt?

Maybe she wasn't yet in a state when he left? We don't know this.

She came round earlier with my DM. Think she wanted to see my DS as he cheers her up. She seemed ok but she said her head was all over the show. I'm not as angry at him any more, think it was just the shock of it

Firstly, so sorry for your dsis loss and I’m glad she had support in you.

I had two missed miscarriages last year requiring a hospital stay and surgery. I needed my DP there, truly don’t know how I would’ve coped without and I’m so grateful he got a week off work to be with me both times, we needed to be together. Being self employed is tricky because obviously missing a days work generally equates to missing a days pay but a days pay vs not supporting your OH during a hideous experience such as miscarriage? No brainer really. He’s been a bit of a selfish twat in all honesty.