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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DP unrealistic?

42 replies

BlairWaldorfsHeadband · 31/08/2018 07:18

Ive posted about his weird sleeping pattern before, and most people thought he was being unreasonable. He has made steps to improve this and still is

However he is still staying up until 1am, which then wakes me up when he comes to bed. I originally told him to come up no later than 1 expecting him to not take until 1 but he did so Ive asked him to come to bed earlier. If I get woken up, I cant get back to sleep for hours. We have a 3 year old with autism and I'm pregnant so I need to sleep. He does sleep downstairs if he stays up after 1 to not wake me, and it isn't every single night.

His response is "but I dont get to play games and read during the day." Basically he wants to spend time every night gaming and reading because those are things he's passionate about. Ive told him that you cant always do that every day when you've got kids but he says I'm being unfair and everyone should have time for their hobbies.

I should add I do sometimes take DC1 out on my day off so he gets the odd day to do what he wants, but he says this isnt regular and so isnt what he wants.

I'm not in the wrong here am I? His expectations are unrealistic

OP posts:
SneakyGremlins · 31/08/2018 07:20

What does he do all day? Does he work? If he's at work all day I can see why he'd want to unwind for a few hours.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 31/08/2018 07:23

Does he work?

How many hours does he think are in a day? Or does he believe he functions well on what, 3 pr 4 hours sleep?

As for unfair, does he not think he is being unfair to break your sleep when you are pregnant and have a toddler?

Sorry, but I always suspect someone whose hobby is gaming of being something of an adult refuser - as in refusing to grow up! And if he takes 5 or 6 hours 2 or 3 times a week for his hobby when does he expect you to have the same 10 - 20 hours for yourself?

Original poster
BlairWaldorfsHeadband · 31/08/2018 07:23

He works shifts with unreliable hours. Hes applying to more family friendly jobs, to try and help with that.

OP posts:
spottybetty · 31/08/2018 07:25

You should have the same amount of down time for hobbies. Do you? Ask if he thinks that's fair.

Original poster
BlairWaldorfsHeadband · 31/08/2018 07:26

Hes not an adult refuser but he does need a lot of sleep. He is doing extra stuff atm because I have placenta previa and have been advised to be on light duties so he is doing all the heavy lifting, in his defence

OP posts:
PirateWeasel · 31/08/2018 07:34

I second spottybetty's question. He's a parent too, not just you. You should have an arrangement that is fair to both of you. A lot of men just seem to refuse to accept that life HAS to change when you have kids and you can't do everything you want when you want any more. Book a weekend away with a friend and leave him in sole charge for a while. Might give him the kick in the pants he needs.

Curtainshopping · 31/08/2018 07:35

I don’t think you can dictate how late he stays up - it’s just waking you up when he comes up that’s the problem. Why doesn’t he just sleep downstairs, say, four nights a week and come to bed early the other three or something?

Original poster
BlairWaldorfsHeadband · 31/08/2018 07:37

He would be okay with me asking for the time too I think but I prioritise my time so I can spend it with DC1 and with DP. I read on the way to work (I use public transport) and try to ensure my individual hobbies don't get in the way of family time. I think it would be selfish otherwise

OP posts:
Original poster
BlairWaldorfsHeadband · 31/08/2018 07:37

Why doesn’t he just sleep downstairs, say, four nights a week and come to bed early the other three or something?

This could work.

OP posts:
Labradoodliedoodoo · 31/08/2018 07:41

How long does he sleep for and does he get up with everyone in the morning.

NoSleepTil2030 · 31/08/2018 07:42

So is he basically staying up late doing his hobbies, then sleeping late because he knows you'll let him sleep but wouldn't do everything during the day whilst he does his hobbies? Because it amounts to the same thing (= you doing everything else to give him hobby time), really.

Theresnodisneyending · 31/08/2018 07:45

Oh God, a gamer. Every gamer I've known, male and female, do this. Stay up crazy late playing bloody Xbox etc. My now husband once didn't come to bed one night and he was STILL playing when I got up at 7am the next day.

ChateauRouge · 31/08/2018 07:46

You need to get some agreement on this before your third child comes along...

Shoxfordian · 31/08/2018 07:50

He's selfish and just acting like another kid
Priorities should change when you have children, why doesn't he realise this? Was he like this with your first child as well?

Fatted · 31/08/2018 07:50

Just ask him to sleep downstairs to avoid waking you? I stay up late. I don't get home from work until 11pm and I want some time for myself to unwind.

Personally I think YABU asking him to come to bed earlier. But if he's disturbing you just ask him to sleep downstairs.

Original poster
BlairWaldorfsHeadband · 31/08/2018 07:52

How long does he sleep for and does he get up with everyone in the morning.

No, he doesn't. He claims he needs 12 hours and ive made him go to the Drs about it as his thyroid levels last time were a bit high. He gets about 10 hours sleep most nights.

I play games myself, but much less frequently now I have kids and I woulsnt sacrifice family time so I could stay up on them! The way I see it the kids are only little for a small time.

OP posts:
harshbuttrue1980 · 31/08/2018 07:55

If he's pulling his weight and needs less sleep than you, yabu. If you for example need 8 hours sleep and he needs 6, why shouldn't he get to game for 2 hours and then sleep for 6? You're sleeping during that time, so it's not as if you're doing chores while he games. Different bodies need different amounts of sleep.

FASH84 · 31/08/2018 07:56

DH is a gamer, built his own PC etc, when we were younger and worked different patterns he'd be on it more regularly, but these days he doesn't play anything most weeks, sometimes a month goes by and he hasn't even switched it on because he prioritises other things, so I think it's unfair to label all people who game. He has gotten more into table top gaming, but does that every other Sunday evening with a group of other adult, working professional friends, others are often surprised at he doesn't 'look like a geek 🙄' , but the table top stuff he plays is mentally stimulating, creative and social for him, I'd rather he did that than went to the pub to watch football every weekend!

OP you post about this regularly, get the same advice, don't really act on it, then come back asking the same things. These are conversations to have with DH

Foodylicious · 31/08/2018 08:04

Sorry, but it sounds like he is deliberately opting out of adulting and of family life.

I don't think I could live like this.

I get the sleep thing if someone has chronic fatigue or fibromyalgia (or other conditions where sleep is really important).

But 10-12 hours a night outside if this? Sorry but it's bloody ridiculous.

What happens if he has 9 hours, or even 6??
Does he explode?
Unless he actually becomes ill (and not just a grumpy arse because he knows he hasn't had 10 hours) then I wouldn't accept it at all.
Especially as he refuses to see a Dr.

He is continuing to put his wishes/desires and hobby (gaming addiction) above yours and your family's needs.

Original poster
BlairWaldorfsHeadband · 31/08/2018 08:05

Ive posted about it twice Hmm

He doesn't need less sleep. Thats one of the problems

OP posts:
NoSleepTil2030 · 31/08/2018 08:07

Ok, I'm going to be blunt... what are his good points? Because at the moment you don't seem to be getting anything from the relationship.

DadDadDad · 31/08/2018 08:08

Part of the problem seems that he's guided by the belief that "everyone should have time for their hobbies" - well, maybe they should, but we don't always get what we want in life, and when you've got young children you have to adjust your expectations. He may even have to give up some interests for a time, because his growing family are now his "interest".

Fairylea · 31/08/2018 08:09

My dp works full time and he stays up every night until about 1/2 - he’s just a night owl and always has been. He stays up reading and watching old films! However he just needs less sleep than me and gets up at 7-8am regardless. I think the issue is more about how much this impacts your family life - in our case it doesn’t. Sometimes he does wake me up when he comes to bed - and we have a child with autism too- but mostly I’ve learnt to just sleep through it. You should both be getting equal down time. Some people do naturally like to stay up later.

AnExcellentUsername · 31/08/2018 08:13

"Sorry, but I always suspect someone whose hobby is gaming of being something of an adult refuser - as in refusing to grow up!"

🙄

Sweepouttheashes · 31/08/2018 08:14

So if he needs 12 hours, and is coming to bed at 1, does that mean he sleeps till 1pm?