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Original poster

Pregnant and bridesmaid at a wedding!

28 replies

Lostmymind26 · 30/08/2018 19:49

So long story! I'll try to keep it short!
I'm a bridesmaid at one of my close friends weddings next year. However I am pregnant. I will be either heavily pregnant or just had the baby at the wedding. Friend has just messaged me asking me for my dress size as she is ordering the dresses from America then we will have them fitted if anything needs changing closer to the time. I'm currently a size 12. If I am heavily pregnant there is no way in gods earth I will fit in this dress. There is no room for adding panels etc!

Ordinarily I'd just have a chat with friend and explain the situation but I'm being a bit precious about this pregnancy. I lost our last baby due to some abnormalities found at our first scan and I really don't want to tell anyone about this pregnancy yet. I would like to keep it between my husband and I until I have had a scan at 12 weeks. I'm really anxious and I don't really want to think about babies until I know this one is okay and growing (I know that's daft but I just have really been shook up by my loss).

I mentioned to friend a month ago when she first said about bridesmaid duties etc that I was trying again and that I might have to let her know about dresses closer to the time but she said due to the timing they must be ordered by next month and now she is asking :-/ what do I do? Should I just tell her?

Don't want to drop feed so I'll say while my friend is lovely she can be a bit immature and not always the most sensitive of peoples feelings!

Any advice would be great! I can't be the only person in this situation 🙈

OP posts:
garethsouthgatesmrs · 30/08/2018 19:53

I would probably tell her but whatever you decide you mustn't let her order your dress and pay for it.

Could you drop out of being a bridesmaid saying that as you are trying for a baby you can't commit to dress sizes and don't want to mess her around?

spugzbunny · 30/08/2018 19:56

I'd tell her ... if you are close enough to be a bridesmaid then you should be able to tell her!

Original poster
Lostmymind26 · 30/08/2018 19:56

@garethsouthgatesmrs

Oh no I definitely don't want her to end up out of pocket ! That's why I've been stalling so far! I said about dropping out and she said oh don't worry you can just tell me when I order....she then kind of implied if I wasn't pregnant by now I could wait so I wouldn't be a bit chubby 🤔😂

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Original poster
Lostmymind26 · 30/08/2018 19:59

@spugzbunny yes I see why you say that. I guess I just don't want anyone to know. The looks of pity I got when we lost our last baby were just too much and no one knew what to say to me. I just want to keep it all to ourselves before we know for sure. I'm thinking of paying for a private scan sooner so we don't have to wait till 12 weeks again :-) I should point out I am incredibly close to my mum and sisters and I am not telling them either. I know I might sound precious or daft I just can't face telling people we have lost another baby. My heart broke every time I had to say it to people last time when all I wanted to do was get back to normality.

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GreatDuckCookery6211 · 30/08/2018 19:59

If you really don't want to tell her ( which I understand ) then I think you should pull out, but then she'll want to know why.

It's probably the easiest thing to confide in her and tell her not to breathe a word because you're naturally nervous due to you sadly losing your baby previously. If she's a good friend she will have the right solution for you.

whatthefoxsaid · 30/08/2018 20:02

I was a bm at a wedding 3 days before I had my dc. I think I was about 8wks when my friend wanted to order the dress so I had to tell her. We decided I would just find something special and comfortable nearer the time and although I did bm duties I wasn't an official bm.
If your friend is anything like mine, it was better to tell than risk it looking like a snub!

harriethoyle · 30/08/2018 20:06

I totally understand why you wouldn't want to tell her after your loss last time Flowers.

I would tell her you are actively TTC and so don't want to mess her around in case you are pg by the wedding. Then once you have the all clear (Everything crossed) you can explain the real reason. She might be a bit stroppy til she knows but so be it. X

Homemadearmy · 30/08/2018 20:06

If you can’t face telling her, then I would pull out. I really don’t see what other option there is.
Unless she is happy for you to wear a different dress to the other bridesmaids and order your neater the time,

TroubledLichen · 30/08/2018 20:11

I’m sorry about your previous loss and congratulations on your pregnancy.

If you’re adamant you don’t want to tell her, and I totally understand why, I’d let her order the dress. Any scenario where you ask her to order a size 18 when she knows you’re a 12, or where you ask her not to order it at all makes is pretty obvious you’re pregnant. Once the cat is out of the bag and you’ve announced your pregnancy then either you order a new one in a bigger size and get it altered as required (at your own expense) or take the original too small dress to a dressmaker and ask them to make a pregnancy friendly copy.

Original poster
Lostmymind26 · 30/08/2018 20:13

@Homemadearmy sadly not she wants us all matching.

Thanks for all the advice :-) I have said to her about bowing out now but she said to me that it could take ages to get pregnant again and that's when she kind of hinted that I could wait till after.

I think I'm going to have to have a chat with her and say I am really worried she is going to spend the money and I wont be able to wear the dress. I think I'll ask if it possible for me to order later than everyone else and I will pay for myself? Do you think that's okay? Then I can tell her in couple of months and she can decide if she still wants me to be bridesmaid? The dress is boned and then tightens round the waist (a bit like a corset) so I don't think it will work at 8 months pregnant 😂🙈

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Original poster
Lostmymind26 · 30/08/2018 20:17

@TroubledLichen sorry cross post! Good idea about getting a copy :-)

I just don't want to be seen as precious etc I know I'm not the first person to give birth! I really don't want to let her down :-) tbh my husband has pointed out if I am still pregnant or I've just given birth I might not even be up to going to the wedding but I think I'll be alright even if I don't make it all the way to the evening!

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KindergartenKop · 30/08/2018 20:49

I would drop out, it'll be incredibly stressful to be pregnant/newborn on the day. Additionally I completely changed shape when preg/ post partum, so you don't know what will fit and suit you. Also it sounds like she'll be a bridezilla

FASH84 · 30/08/2018 20:57

How far off 12 weeks are you OP any way you can keep stalling until you've at least had your private scan? I had a private I've at nine weeks and we told our parents, DB and SIL but no one else until after the 12 week scan

Twickerhun · 30/08/2018 21:01

She wants you to wait till after the wedding? Errr you must drop out now!

Original poster
Lostmymind26 · 30/08/2018 21:02

@FASH84 I'm only 6 weeks :-/

I've just had a chat with her via text and I've basically said I will pay for the dress if I am unable to wear it or I will pay to have it altered if pregnant :-) she seems happy enough with that :-) she said she has heard it can take ages after mc to get pregnant again so I just kept quiet on that front ! 🤦🏻‍♀️ I hope she won't be mad when I tell her :-/

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FinallyGotAnIPhone · 30/08/2018 21:04

Nightmare. I wouldn’t tell her - wouldn’t tell anyone before 12 weeks. I’d probably just go along with it and in due course if needs be just pay for the dress.

FASH84 · 30/08/2018 21:04

Good luck! Can you at least order a size up? Tell her you've put on a few pounds?

Original poster
Lostmymind26 · 30/08/2018 21:07

@FASH84 yes I've asked her to order a 14 just in case then I'll pay for alterations :-)

OP posts:
coconutpie · 30/08/2018 21:11

I would drop out. She sounds a bit bridezilla if she's suggesting you postpone TTC until after her wedding.

You will not feel like being a bridesmaid if you're heavily pregnant or if you've just given birth. Drop out and be firm. Say you're actively TTC and your obstetrician has told you it could happen quickly so you don't want to have to drop out last minute.

SpaceDinosaur · 30/08/2018 21:13

Flip side of this coin.

I was asked to be a bridesmaid about a week after I found out I was pregnant.

I decided to tell the bride that I was VERY early pregnant but would be 8 1/2 months at her wedding so if she wanted to change her mind I would be absolutely fine with it but PLEASE PLEASE don't tell anyone, we haven't told our parents yet, etc etc etc.

She was happy to have me as a BM but she also blabbed my news. We were really really upset.

@Lostmymind26 I wouldn't tell her. I would say that you and your DH are serious about your efforts in trying for a baby and that you wouldn't be comfortable letting her order a dress when you have no intension of it fitting you.

KindergartenKop · 30/08/2018 21:13

It sounds like she's hoping you won't get pregnant soon Hmm . Bridezilla alert!

Original poster
Lostmymind26 · 30/08/2018 21:14

@coconutpie I see why a few people have said that and maybe she is a bit. She is ultimately a good friend and a good person she can sometimes just be a bit immature and I think she just didn't think when she said it.
I'm hoping because I've been upfront and honest with her now she will be understanding if I have to drop out later and I am happy to pay :-) I'm even happy to pay to have the dress made to fit someone else if I drop out and that's what she wants :-)

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SpaceDinosaur · 30/08/2018 21:15

Tell her no. Don't let her order the dress as you have no intention of it fitting you and say you'll still help out with BM duties but won't wear the dress/walk the aisle on the day x

Caspiana · 30/08/2018 21:17

she said she has heard it can take ages after mc to get pregnant again

What a supportive thing to say to a friend who has had a mc and is trying again.

Best of luck with this pregnancy OP Flowers

Original poster
Lostmymind26 · 30/08/2018 21:19

@SpaceDinosaur the reason I am letting her order the dress is because I will try my hardest to still be there :-) if I have given birth or if I am still pregnant I will try to go. I understand this might change as time goes on but I have said that to her. And that's why I've said I'll pay because then she is not out of pocket :-) maybe I'm being very naive ! 😊 this is hopefully going to be my first baby so if all goes well I may be reading this post next year laughing at myself 😂

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