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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not have my low contact sibling on xmas day?

40 replies

Chosenone · 30/08/2018 16:16

I'm going to try and tell this so i dont try and put my bias on this. My brother and are low contact. He is an addict. He doesn't work and has a whole host of mental health problems. He does see healthcare professionals but also spends days with other people using weed and amphetamine and drinking.
He has caused a lot of issues of the past 20 years. He has had a lot of support from a range of agencies and me and my family. Countless new starts and new leafs. He has called me names, stolen off me and lied. I decided minimal contact was best for me and my family.
My parents bend over backwards for him (enable his behaviour) he is nice when he's at theirs but he gets to eat and drink and sit and watch films. I have explained that unlike previous years where I've grit my teeth and had him round at Christmas. I dont want him this year.

They are asking me to do nothing else at all with him if I continue to have him round on Christmas day. Just once a year, as that's not too much to ask.

They are elderly. It keeps them happy. It avoids drama and stress.
So AIBU to stick to my guns?

OP posts:

JennyWoodentop · 30/08/2018 16:23

If you are hosting at your place it is up to you if you invite him - I think it's fine not to given his history of treating you badly. You need to be prepared to accept that your enbling parents may not come if he is not invited though.
If your parents are hosting, all you can do is decide whether or not you will go, you can't impose a guest list on them and say they can't invite him.

IncyWincyGrownUp · 30/08/2018 16:29

Jenny has been succinct there, I agree with her completely.

In your shoes I’d not have anything to do with him either, but I suspect you’ll lose your parents over this.

If you do cave, I’d be willing to bet they’ll expect further concessions too, seeing as “Christmas wasn’t so bad was it?”

Original poster

Chosenone · 30/08/2018 16:29

We host Xmas day every year. They usually come very year. DH is suggesting a compromise where they come up in the morning for present exchange and to see the DC rather than staying all day.

OP posts:

GoblinSharts · 30/08/2018 16:32

Tell them your plans, explain that you are not having your brother and therefore it is up to them which parts of the day they attend if they want to split it between you. If they want to enable his behaviour then that’s their decision but you need to stick to your guns.

SassitudeandSparkle · 30/08/2018 16:33

I agree with Jenny, and I'm assuming that your DH's compromise does not include your brother - just your parents round in the morning?

Clairetree1 · 30/08/2018 16:36

you have children? no way would I have an addict in the house. It isn't safe, and it isn't a good example.

Original poster

Chosenone · 30/08/2018 16:36

Ideally. But DP's will want him to come so he can give the DC their Xmas presents (that they buy!) it's been a huge charade at playing happy families for years. Now I dont want to play along I'm seen as upsetting the Apple cart and spoiling Xmas memories for 2 elderly people!

OP posts:

cansu · 30/08/2018 16:37

It depends how important it is to you to keep your parents happy and have them with you at Christmas. If he is OK on the day I would probably continue to invite him whilst they are still around, but it depends whether he would be unpleasant.

Redken24 · 30/08/2018 16:38

Absolutely not.
No way.
Put your family first.
Split the day or whatever.
One occasion will turn into once a month.

cansu · 30/08/2018 16:39

I suppose one other thing would be to put yourself in your parents shoes. How would you feel if you were them and one of your dc didn't want the other or suggested you were only invited in the morning to avoid inviting the sibling?

Flexoset · 30/08/2018 16:42

Your parents should not be asking this of you.

Original poster

Chosenone · 30/08/2018 16:47

Mixed responses mirror how We all feel about this. My parents feel very much that it's just one day and it keeps everyone happy. He is fine when here, quiet and a bit odd but on his best behaviour. I feel it sends him mixed messages. If he wants to be part of a normal family and do normal things maybe he should actually stay clean!

I also worry that I'm actually just wanting to punish him. I'm so angry with what he has put my DP through and he's still golden boy!

OP posts:

SassitudeandSparkle · 30/08/2018 16:54

I would stick to not having him round anywhere near your children and predict that:-

1 -Your parents will refuse to come round because 'he'll be on his own'
and then
2 - Cave in at the last minute because they want to see the grandchildren.

Also, be prepared to face them bringing him anyway and give them the boot

Is there anyone else who could host a meeting between you and your parents, one of their siblings?

Original poster

Chosenone · 30/08/2018 17:00

I've now left it as we will see how it goes as it's only August! a cop out but at least the seed is planted. I've actually made it clear that his drug use and unpredictable mental health make him a risk to the DC.

I've blocked him on all social media so only they will know how he will behave between now and then.

OP posts:

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth · 30/08/2018 17:02

My brother is exactly the same. It's a difficult situation. But i would not have him round on Xmas day. It would spoil the day for me.

Original poster

Chosenone · 30/08/2018 17:16

Thank you for all your responses.
I'm clearly not AIBU so I dont want to be manipulated or guilt tripped.

OP posts:

EmeraldVillage · 30/08/2018 17:23

Difficult one. On the one hand you can absolutely invite who you want and why should be get this “reward”. On the other it sounds like He is actually well behaved when he attend and isn’t trouble on the day - if he did behave poorly then it would be much easier.

I think you’re right that you want to punish him. But I think you’d also quite like to punish your parents - no matter how crappy he behaves there are basically no consequences from them whilst you are expected to put up and shut up despite “behaving”. And tbh whilst not right or mature I can certainly sympathise with feeling that way.

EmeraldVillage · 30/08/2018 17:24

Pressed too soon- and I Suspect you’d also like your parents to “choose” you over him in this.

NationalShiteDay · 30/08/2018 17:29

YANBU. Have something similar here but alcoholic DF instead of DB. We're not having anyone round for Xmas this year. End of.

The focus should be what's in the best interest of your children. Anyone else can go jump.

Pleatherandlace · 30/08/2018 17:49

In one of your earlier posts you say that you don’t want to be responsible for ruining Christmas for your elderly parents. You haven’t done that, your brother has by being an addict. You don’t own this blame.

Original poster

Chosenone · 30/08/2018 17:59

Yes emerald I think I'm being stubborn. I'm not actually mega close with my parents but I try. They are quite demanding people but I feel sorry for them. My DC are their only grandchildren and they dote on them.
nationalshiteday sorry to hear you're in a similar boat (and previous posters) ... have your family accepted your decisions?
pleatherandlace I think it's his fault but DP want me to play along with happy families. They blame his 'mental health' hence why I always bring the drug use into the conversations.

OP posts:

NationalShiteDay · 31/08/2018 08:29

Chosenone I haven't told them yet...but yes, they will be upset. We will see them Xmas eve though, as we do every year. Two days running is just too much, and we have kids now so the focus rightly needs to be on them rather than sparring the feelings of someone who won't admit they have a problem or do anything about the havoc they cause.

PaulDacreRimsGeese · 31/08/2018 08:40

See if you can go to DHs side instead!

ReginaBlitzkreig · 31/08/2018 08:40

I think it is time you had the kind of Xmas day that you want. No need to say that your DB can never come again. Disrupt the expectation your DP seem to have that you will or even should always be the person to give way. As my mother once said to me, parents know full well what their children are really like, even the ones who won't admit it. So they do recognise why you don't want your brother there on some level, I suspect, but they work to override you and get their way.

Babymamamama · 31/08/2018 08:46

If your parents want him round they can host at theirs and you can pop round with you dcs then retire back to your place without parents and sibling?

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