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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have my low contact sibling on xmas day?

40 replies

Chosenone · 30/08/2018 16:16

I'm going to try and tell this so i dont try and put my bias on this. My brother and are low contact. He is an addict. He doesn't work and has a whole host of mental health problems. He does see healthcare professionals but also spends days with other people using weed and amphetamine and drinking.
He has caused a lot of issues of the past 20 years. He has had a lot of support from a range of agencies and me and my family. Countless new starts and new leafs. He has called me names, stolen off me and lied. I decided minimal contact was best for me and my family.
My parents bend over backwards for him (enable his behaviour) he is nice when he's at theirs but he gets to eat and drink and sit and watch films. I have explained that unlike previous years where I've grit my teeth and had him round at Christmas. I dont want him this year.

They are asking me to do nothing else at all with him if I continue to have him round on Christmas day. Just once a year, as that's not too much to ask.

They are elderly. It keeps them happy. It avoids drama and stress.
So AIBU to stick to my guns?

OP posts:
Original poster
Chosenone · 31/08/2018 09:24

The compromise is now on the table that they just come for present exchange in the morning and go before Xmas dinner. DB too and I will be civil with him. My plan is just to keep it non emotional and just state what's happening. If questioned further I will cheerfully respond. 'If he's clean in future years I'll happily have him for the day.

OP posts:
twoshedsjackson · 31/08/2018 09:34

I think it's really positive that you show you are willing to see more of him if he faces up to his problems and gets the help he needs, even if you're fairly certain that he won't as long as your parents are there to enable him.
I wonder if they are worrying about what will happen when they are no longer there to prop him up? As you say, they are elderly.......in a subtle way, you are making it clear that you are not prepared to step into the enabling role when that sad day comes; quite rightly, you are prioritising your young children. He is already in touch with health professionals, so he is "on their radar", let them deal with him, with a degree of professional detachment.

Original poster
Chosenone · 31/08/2018 09:43

twoshedsjackson you have got the nail on the head. I am absolutely not willing to step in when my parents are no longer able.

OP posts:
justilou1 · 31/08/2018 14:45

Both of my parents bullied and guilt-tripped me instead of acknowledging and dealing with my brother’s addiction and behavioral problems. They are both dead now and I have had to block him on social media and change my mobile phone number twice to stop him from harassing me because he seemed to think that it was now my job to fulfil the role vacated by our late (Batshit Borderline Personality Disorder) mother. I think by “playing the game” for the sake of your parents, you will confuse your children and give him misleading signals about what to expect in the future. Make it clear now.

AveABanana · 31/08/2018 15:01

I was bullied and guilt tripped into having my alcoholic parent for Christmas by my enabling other parent. And every time it was bloody, bloody awful and utterly shite for the kids. We pushbacked to seeing them on either Boxing Day or Christmas eve instead. CE was better, as otherwise I'd spend all CD worrying about how awful BD was going to be. The best Christmas ever was the year I managed to negotiate the Sunday before Christmas, and as tea and cake in the afternoon rather than a meal. We opened a few presents and left and the entire christmas time off was stress free and child focused.

YeTalkShiteHen · 31/08/2018 15:04

It’s hard going OP, I’ve been there.

My brother is a rat. Just a horrid awful person and I’ve been emotionally blackmailed into putting up with him for too long. When my Dad told me I had to see him for my (dead) Mum’s sake I flipped it and put my foot down.

I am not going to be the one making the compromises any more, especially when I’m not the one causing the pain and heartache!

It hurt my Dad, and I’m sorry for that. But it’s been me getting hurt all these years to keep him happy, maybe now he’ll understand how I feel.

WomblingWoman · 31/08/2018 15:16

What an awful situation OP.

Frankly I think you are right to push back.

The reality is you are being asked to enable the enablers as it were and you are under no obligation to do this.

Keeping the door open on the basis of being clean is a good thing, as is being clear that until that point contact will be highly limited.

Good luck Thanks

PilarTernera · 31/08/2018 15:43

My parents feel very much that it's just one day and it keeps everyone happy.

That is not true at all. You are not happy about it.

BarbarianMum · 31/08/2018 16:19

Your situation sounds very similiar to mine (virtually identical in fact). This year I finally decided that my brother is no longer welcome at ours and I dont want him having anything but the most limited contact with my kids (12 and 10). My parents are not happy (to say the least). They are past masters at forgive and forget sweeping the shit under the carpet but I dont want to play any more. So we're seeing them at theirs on the 27th Dec not Christmas or Boxing Day. Their choice.

notdaddycool · 31/08/2018 16:29

Saying one day a year avoids the point it’s in many ways the most special day of the year. Arrange to see him another day.

Original poster
Chosenone · 31/08/2018 18:05

Sorry to hear so many of you are in a similar/same situation. I can't tell you how much better your advice has made me feel.

OP posts:
AdaColeman · 31/08/2018 18:18

Would it be an option for you to all go to your parents for the present giving? That puts you much more in control as you choose the time and how long your visit lasts.

Gersemi · 31/08/2018 18:37

It's not really spoiling Christmas memories if they're based on the fact that you're gritting your teeth at having him in the house and no-one is actually enjoying themselves. Your proposed compromise sounds very generous. I don't think I'd ever allow my brother in the house if he'd stolen from me.

Lalliella · 31/08/2018 22:05

My brother sounds exactly the same OP. He’s a druggie on and off. When he’s using I don’t let him in the house, but he tends to withdraw into himself and go NC at these times. When he’s clean we see him. But he smokes some really smelly roll your owns and washes his clothes infrequently in a stinky flat, so he smells and it’s not very pleasant. The kids don’t really like seeing him. On the plus side, it’s a massive disincentive for them to ever smoke or do drugs. I swing massively from feeling sorry for him because of his MH issues to being annoyed that he doesn’t do much to help himself. On the plus side he’s been a bit better lately and is doing voluntary work.

Sorry, just needed to offload there! My advice to you is to make Christmas special for your DH and DCs and don’t have him there. DPs can choose. Maybe see them all Boxing Day as a compromise.

agnurse · 01/09/2018 01:22
  1. Do you have children? Active addicts are NOT safe around children. Full stop.
  1. Playing "happy families" does not always work very well. I believe there are higher rates of domestic disputes and violence around Christmas because people who don't get along and really shouldn't be around each other are encouraged to "put it aside for the sake of the holidays". Add to this the fact that often alcohol is served at holidays and you have a recipe for disaster.

If your brother isn't safe any other day of the year, that fact that it's Christmas isn't going to make his addiction go away.

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