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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Advice please....at wits end with mother in law

50 replies

bendy75 · 30/08/2018 13:54

Im new here (actually hovered around for years getting advice/ideas) but thought id join and ask you all what you would do in my situation, here goes....
Ive been with my husband for 9 years and we have a 5 year old little boy, I have two daughters to a previous marriage as does he, thing is my mother in law really dislikes me, always has right from the beginning and I haven't a clue why, I asked her once and she told me I wasn't right in the head!!! I can cope with this to the point it doesn't really bother me a great deal anymore but what I am struggling with is the way she treats my son, now my husbands other two daughters she absolutely adores and gets on really well with the mum (quite rightly so) looks after them during school holidays, takes them out, buys them clothes, shoes and is really involved in their lives yet my little boy isn't even worth a free phone call, when the two girls come they are forever showing us what nana and grandad have bought them, my little lad has never said anything but im sure at some point he will notice and start asking questions :( When I mention any of this to the husband he just rolls his eyes and says im jealous and petty, I really don't think I am im just very hurt by the way my son is treated.

It has got to the point im considering leaving my husband, do I sound petty or unreasonable??

Please feel free to be as blunt and honest as you like, ive learnt to be quite thick skinned ;) just would really appreciate some impartial advice.

OP posts:
StressedToTheMaxx · 30/08/2018 13:59

This is really sad. You are not asking to much. Just for her to show her other blood grandchild so love and attention like she does her other blood grandchildren.
I'm sorry I have no advice but just wanted to say YANBU.
Children are clever he will eventually notice.
I spoke it will only change when dh Seems the problem for himself.

StressedToTheMaxx · 30/08/2018 14:00

*suppose not spoke sorry.

FishesThatFly · 30/08/2018 14:05

Is he not bothered that one of his children is seem as a lesser being than the others?

Wallywobbles · 30/08/2018 14:08

There's no way I could let this go. I'd have to have it out with her. Can you ask the ex by any chance? I'd put money on her knowing why.

As for leaving your DH over it. It sounds like this might be the issue that broke the camels back.

curious86 · 30/08/2018 14:12

This is so sad to read because I can see where your coming from my MIL is the same she treats mine & DHs child different from her other grandchildren. She will look after my DS as long as he has his iPad so he can keep himself occupied but will only have my BIL children if my DS is there to watch them. As silly as it can sound it does start to affect the way you react and behave around MIL.
All I can say is be more firm when you speak to your DH and tell him you feel it's coming between the two of you

justilou1 · 30/08/2018 14:20

Does she have daughters? Did she treat them differently to her son as well? I know that doesn’t make it alright either, but it may be that she “gets” girls more than she “gets” boys.... (That or she’s just a horrible cow!)

IgglePigglesAnnoyingGiggle · 30/08/2018 14:31

The worst part of this for me is When I mention any of this to the husband he just rolls his eyes and says im jealous and petty for real?

He isn't bothered about how his own mother treats his son?

This is what would have me thinking of leaving. His mother can be a twat but he shouldn't be turning a blind eye at the expense of your son.

Original poster
bendy75 · 30/08/2018 19:20

Thankyou so much to everyone who has taken the time to reply, it is very appreciated, your replies have given me the confidence to face this head on instead of thinking its me being unreasonable.

Thanks again :)

OP posts:
Morethanthisprovincallife · 31/08/2018 09:13

I don't like any unfairness in how anyone treats the dc. So cruel. Your not being jealous.

Maybe film it next time.

BlueSky198080 · 31/08/2018 09:56

That I really sad. No advice sorry OP.

BlueSky198080 · 31/08/2018 09:57

Is*

JynxaSmoochum · 31/08/2018 10:07

This has happened in my family and it's had a major long term effect on lives for decades after their childhoods. There were step siblings living full time together. Grandma made sure that golden child of first marriage had everything they could possibly want while step sibling from marriage went without because parents couldn't compensate on a limited budget.

She openly said when her own grandchild was born that they just weren't the same purely because they were from wife 2 rather than wife 1. Fortunately for them, by the time they were getting to an age where it would matter more, the family moved dramatically weakening the influence of the grandma and she died a few years later anyway.

Golden grandchild found adult life disappointing because nothing lived up to the adulation and attention that they'd always recieved. Step child struggled with self esteem and a strong sense of inequality and injustice.

It needs challenging and it can only be done by the child of the offending MiL. It needs to be phrased squarely in terms of "why are you treating my children, your own grandchildren unfairly". It can't be done by the spouse (OP) because it can be twisted around to jealousy and personal dislike.

charlestonchaplin · 31/08/2018 10:29

I'm constantly amazed by what I read on Mumsnet. You married a man who maintains a (?good) relationship with his mother. She has always hated you. However somehow you felt that things would change miraculously when you produced a child? It never happens. The best you will get is that she bites her tongue a bit and pretends she doesn't hate you quite as much. If your child was the first grandchild that may have happened, especially if your son is an only child, but there are already two grandchildren before your son.

You should have expected this and should have prepared for it. It's not rocket science people! If your partner has a good relationship with his family, consider the family and their relationship with you before getting hitched and having children. Or just prepare to deal with the inevitable pain and trauma that will follow.

Your husband can perhaps help improve the situation by being firm with his mother but she can just maintain her relationship with his daughters through their mother if she is really stubborn.

Original poster
bendy75 · 31/08/2018 12:25

I'm constantly amazed by what I read on Mumsnet. You married a man who maintains a (?good) relationship with his mother. She has always hated you. However somehow you felt that things would change miraculously when you produced a child? It never happens. The best you will get is that she bites her tongue a bit and pretends she doesn't hate you quite as much. If your child was the first grandchild that may have happened, especially if your son is an only child, but there are already two grandchildren before your son.

You should have expected this and should have prepared for it. It's not rocket science people! If your partner has a good relationship with his family, consider the family and their relationship with you before getting hitched and having children. Or just prepare to deal with the inevitable pain and trauma that will follow.

Your husband can perhaps help improve the situation by being firm with his mother but she can just maintain her relationship with his daughters through their mother if she is really stubborn.

No you are mistaken charlestonchaplin, I didn't expect her to miraculously start to like me although I hoped I would grow on her, what I did not expect is for her not to like my son, foolishly I expected her to love her grandchild, im not sure how I could have prepared for it and I certainly did not expect it! Amongst my friends and family I have never seen a grandparent behave like this before but after reading other replies on this post it is more common than I thought.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 31/08/2018 12:44

I hate to think how she treats your daughters...

redshoeblueshoe · 31/08/2018 13:03

The Mil is irrelevant, your DH's reaction though is shit.

HectorlovesKiki · 31/08/2018 13:17

YANBU. I would be bloody furious. Your husband is a coward who refuses to address this situation which will only get worse if not tackled. MIL is cruel and deliberately treating your DS differently to hurt YOU, she has weaponised DS. It is MIL who is jealous & petty, not you. DH doesn't seem interested in you or DS. Could you cut toxic MIL out of your life? I was treated very differently to my step brother & as a child, I felt it in my heart & soul. DS will realise what's happening soon enough. He may even understand it now but not want to upset you so keeps quite. If DH won't tackle it, then you'll have to do it, get that awful MIL told. Good luck.

swingofthings · 31/08/2018 13:18

You can't change the way she feels you need cto accept that and this is probably what you oh is trying to tell you. It is unfair to your son but again you can't make people love or like someone.

What your OH should do though is not show what his mum has got them in front of your ds and you should make it clear that you don't have to make efforts to spend time with her. When your son is older tell him the truth that for some reason she doesn't like you but that it isn't anything to do about him.

Oldraver · 31/08/2018 13:20

Your main problem here is you DH dismissing your concerns

Fairylea · 31/08/2018 13:20

I would not stand for this. She either treats them all the same or she doesn’t deserve a relationship with any of you. It’s just horrible what she’s doing. We have relatives like this and we don’t see them.

Screaminginsidemeagain · 31/08/2018 13:25

I don’t know that it is Personal.
My MIL has always been blatant about her favouritism, with her own kids, with grandkids. It used to annoy me but life is too short.
Harder when it’s Siblings in the house but not sure you can change her now especially if she and your partner have such little respect for you.

Does you son have other grandparents who can spoil him a little!

ShartGoblin · 31/08/2018 13:28

So sorry you're going through this, I can't believe your husband has called you jealous and petty. It's cruel and completely untrue. I don't often think leaving is the best option but in this case I think you should and you probably know that already.

You do not deserve to be treated like this, you deserve a partner that loves and supports you and your son deserves to be supported by his own father.

Don't let them bully you into thinking you're unreasonable, you've taken their shite for long enough. Not only do you need to protect your son from it, you need to protect yourself as well. You have value, you deserve to be valued and don't you forget it.

I hate to think how she treats your daughters...

This was one of my first thoughts too, your poor children and poor you Flowers

heartsease68 · 31/08/2018 13:41

If you're thinking about leaving your DH because you're genuinely worried about him being harmed by your rubbish MIL, be assured that the trauma of coping with divorce is infinitely greater than being passed over by his nan. Try counselling, why don't you. This seems a very odd reason to leave your husband.

heartsease68 · 31/08/2018 13:41

him being your son, that wasn't very clear.

Original poster
bendy75 · 31/08/2018 13:46

I hate to think how she treats your daughters...

My two daughters are 23 & 24 both now working and living away from home, they have never really spent any time with her and don't suppose give her a second thought ;)

I tried to bring up the subject again last night with Husband just to be told he hasn't noticed because he doesn't go looking to cause trouble!! Last straw im afraid! Mug no more!! For the past year I have been supporting him while he studied (on an advanced Learner loan, no income), I have paid his mortgage, all our bills and carried on paying his child maintenance for his two girls and childcare for my son so he could study, im sure he wont miss us with me being a petty jealous trouble maker.

Thing is I thought I would feel sad, I don't, just sorry for my son :(

OP posts:
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