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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Advice please....at wits end with mother in law

50 replies

bendy75 · 30/08/2018 13:54

Im new here (actually hovered around for years getting advice/ideas) but thought id join and ask you all what you would do in my situation, here goes....
Ive been with my husband for 9 years and we have a 5 year old little boy, I have two daughters to a previous marriage as does he, thing is my mother in law really dislikes me, always has right from the beginning and I haven't a clue why, I asked her once and she told me I wasn't right in the head!!! I can cope with this to the point it doesn't really bother me a great deal anymore but what I am struggling with is the way she treats my son, now my husbands other two daughters she absolutely adores and gets on really well with the mum (quite rightly so) looks after them during school holidays, takes them out, buys them clothes, shoes and is really involved in their lives yet my little boy isn't even worth a free phone call, when the two girls come they are forever showing us what nana and grandad have bought them, my little lad has never said anything but im sure at some point he will notice and start asking questions :( When I mention any of this to the husband he just rolls his eyes and says im jealous and petty, I really don't think I am im just very hurt by the way my son is treated.

It has got to the point im considering leaving my husband, do I sound petty or unreasonable??

Please feel free to be as blunt and honest as you like, ive learnt to be quite thick skinned ;) just would really appreciate some impartial advice.

OP posts:

ShartGoblin · 31/08/2018 13:54

I have paid his mortgage This is pretty concerning. Is everything in his name?

ohhelloitsyou · 31/08/2018 13:56

I think you are doing the right thing. He sounds dreadful to treat his own son this way and I cant fathom why he fathered a child with you if he cares so little about how that child is treated by his own mother!
Also why are you paying his CM?? even if you do end up staying together that stops immediately. That isn't your responsibility and my guess is he thinks you are his new pay packet or something.
Do not support him any more. He doesn't deserve it!

Santaclarita · 31/08/2018 13:57

I wouldn't let her see my son at all with how she is behaving. And your husband is a twat too, he's treating his own son like a second class citizen in comparison to his daughters. They are all his children he should want them treated equally.

Bigger problem is your husband really. What a dick.

RomanyRoots · 31/08/2018 13:59

You have a dh problem, not mil.
How can you be with a man who lets you and your son be treated in this way?
Any decent man wouldn't put up with this, maybe this just highlights why he's somebody else's ex.

RomanyRoots · 31/08/2018 14:02

Good grief OP, he saw you coming my love, so
please don't get involved with anyone else before you work on why you were attracted to a user.
You and your son deserve much better than this, do it now, or asap.

Failingat40 · 31/08/2018 14:11

my mother in law really dislikes me, always has right from the beginning and I haven't a clue why, I asked her once and she told me I wasn't right in the head!!!

Where has she got the impression you're not right in the head?? (Must have come from someone/somewhere?)

Do you treat his daughters like your own or is there any aggro there?

Can they maybe be more on-side to suggest that the next time they all go out they take their little brother too?

Alarm bells would be ringing enough to me with her 'not right in the head' comment but the fact your financially responsible for a passive cock lodger is enough to have me running for the hills. The stubborn part of me wouldn't allow the stupid bat to 'win'.

Agree with pp, she is absolutely out of order and her behaviour is damaging and abusive BUT you have a major DH problem too.

HeebieJeebies456 · 31/08/2018 14:14

begin separating your finances because he doesn't consider you a team and doesn't think your joint dc deserves to be treated fairly.
so you can stop paying maintenance for his dc to start with.....mil can foot that bill!

the mortgage is yours too so needs paying (along with utilities) unless you want to lose the house/live without gas and electric.

Ignoramusgiganticus · 31/08/2018 14:20

I also think that this is more of a DH problem than a MIL problem. If your DH is prepared to let you walk away over this issue, then that tells you everything.
It isn't a minor matter and you are right not to let her treat DS unfavourably. Even if she feels more for the girls, she has to be told not to show it.

GoatWoman · 31/08/2018 14:30

So your DD's were 14 and 15 when you married this prick. Was the MiL horrid to them too or is this a new thing?

MitchDash · 31/08/2018 14:35

I agree that it's not your MIL that is the issue, it's your DH. It's your partners parent so it's his job to communicate with her. He doesn't wish to because he seems to see it as not his problem but yours.

My mother did exactly the same to my children and treated my nephews and neices very differently and much better - there was also a Golden Child - and it did damage my children. Nothing I did or said every changed anything and I was told I was making it up.

Original poster

bendy75 · 31/08/2018 14:44

He already had his house when we met, I had my own home, it was more practical for us to live there (nearer his girls plus it had more room) the mortgage remained in his name as did my own home stay in mine (I rent it out), we always shared the bills until he decided to study last year.
Where has she got the impression you're not right in the head?? (Must have come from someone/somewhere?)
I just remember asking her why she didn't like me after one of her acerbic comment and she just replied "you are imagining things, your not right in the head you", never bothered asking again.

I felt it was the right thing to do paying the child maintenance for his girls, I think his ex quite relies on the money and he wouldn't have been able to study, I was trying to be supportive!

Husband is an only child, he doesn't like to upset his mum at all which I can understand to a point but enough is enough. Last straw a few weeks ago my husband along with his girls and his ex were invited for Sunday lunch at MIL because one of his girls had an announcement to make, me and my son were not invited, that pissed me off!

I have tried to change things to no avail, just suppose ive had enough, he can still be a dad to our son and maybe if hes not with me his mother might even start taking an interest, who knows ;)

OP posts:

Immigrantsong · 31/08/2018 14:48

OP here are your choices:

1)ltb and his family
2)learn my moto in life, which is: you can't control people's behaviour just your reaction to it
3)learn to tune her out and keep low contact with her and then look at your husband's weird if not red flag behaviour towards your feelings

Ultimately when we do not like something, we can either learn to live with it, nip it in the bud or modify how we react. Once you decide what fits in best with you, your personality and your family then think what effect your decision will have as some decisions can create ripples and you may need to manage them.

All the best, but try to avoid any drama and focus on what you have and not on what you would like as life is not like that.

Tinkobell · 31/08/2018 14:57

If your DH wants to preserve the marriage he needs to put his big boy pants on and state the facts to MIL

he no longer loves wife # 1, he loves you and if MIL hates you then she also hates her own DS choices.
that the grandson is her flesh and blood. She is behaving like a cruel cow by depriving her kindness.
MIL needs to accept her sons choices wholeheartedly or accept a future of NC.

That's it really. If it can't fight your corner as a committed family unit then what really do you have?

orangeorchids · 31/08/2018 15:03

I would leave him, he sounds horrible

newbiegreenfingers · 31/08/2018 15:08

Last straw a few weeks ago my husband along with his girls and his ex were invited for Sunday lunch at MIL because one of his girls had an announcement to make, me and my son were not invited

Oh my that is terrible! Did your husband go? I would be absolutely fuming!

happypoobum · 31/08/2018 15:11

When I mention any of this to the husband he just rolls his eyes and says im jealous and petty, I really don't think I am im just very hurt by the way my son is treated.

YANBU. He has taken you for a fool. At least you are married so despite the house being in his name, it's still a marital asset.

I would stop paying his bills and give your tenants notice if you would like to move back to your own home? See a solicitor and register your interest in the house you live in now so he cannot do something sneaky like put it in his darling mummys name to get it out of "The Pot."

You need to get all your ducks in a row. Copies of pensions, any savings, shares, etc.Mortgage statement from his house so you can work out the equity.

You are worth more than this - he sounds like a user.

SockMatchmaker · 31/08/2018 15:18

Well the house thing makes it easier, give notice to your tennents and move back in as soon you can, speak to a solicitor though to find out what you’ll be financially liable for until you divorce. Make sure he can’t paint himself as primary carer for your son though as he’s at home more I assume?

manda77 · 31/08/2018 15:28

I empathise a lot with your situation. I had the MIL from hell...I now have a new, well, newish, MIL from hell. In my experience, DHS will never ever hear a word said against their beloved mother..She is perfection personified in their little Oedipus head.And yes, I've heard it all, husband to wife 'you are being petty/jealous and paranoid dear'. Believe me, you are not. I am sure your MIL is well aware of what she is doing...and is trying to create a divide on purpose. I can imagine what a B*tch she is. As difficult as it sounds 'try to rise above it'. Ignore as best you can. The MIL can't live forever. Don't let her ruin your marriage or your DS's life. Who wants her poxy presents anyway!?

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 31/08/2018 15:30

OP, you've done your best for your family, now it's time to do your best, for you and your DS. Your husband is tarred with the same brush as his mother, so it appears.
In your shoes, I wouldn't pay his maintenance anymore, and I'd quietly get my ducks in a row., and move on.
You deserve much more.🌸

YourHandInMyHand · 31/08/2018 15:30

Sounds like you've made the right call.

It also sounds like you've been way too nice and accommodating for way too long!

No way would anyone be treating me or my child the way this woman is treating you and your son. I agree with you that you expected her to be a loving grandma like she is to her first two grandchildren. It's not your fault you didn't have a crystal ball to see what a cow she would be, nor that your DH would have no paternal protective instincts to shield his son from such blatant favouritism.

I'd not say anything final to him just yet. What I would do is see a solicitor and find out where you would both stand. At least you both have houses in your own names, that's a blessing. Find out where you stand, get your houses in order and free yourself and your son as much as you can from this toxic dynamic.

Original poster

bendy75 · 31/08/2018 17:16

I work from home mostly and have always been the primary carer, my son goes to afterschool club and childcare three evenings a week while I go to the office but thankyou for the advice I had not considered the financial implications as much as I should have!

OP posts:

MortyVicar · 31/08/2018 18:36

I think your MiL is making it pretty clear that she didn't want your DH and his ex to split up. Inviting him and ex to a family do as a couple to play happy families excluding you, ignoring your DS because he isn't the ex's child. And if your DH says you're being mean and petty to raise the issue, maybe he isn't as over the ex as he should be.

You've paid everything for him for a year, including his maintenance. If he considers you mean after all that, then yes get out. And when you do, you'll have much more money and he'll see just how 'mean' you've been for the last twelve months.

junebirthdaygirl · 31/08/2018 18:46

The only worty here is that its right up mils alley if ye split up. What she has wanted all along. Aside from mil how do you and ldh get on? Seems sad for little ds to lose his family due to a spiteful horrible woman.

MortyVicar · 31/08/2018 19:23

Seems sad for little ds to lose his family due to a spiteful horrible woman

I'd agree if it was just the MiL. But the 'D'H is behaving appallingly and that's the reason to leave, not the MiL.

Poodletip · 31/08/2018 22:18

Last straw a few weeks ago my husband along with his girls and his ex were invited for Sunday lunch at MIL because one of his girls had an announcement to make, me and my son were not invited, that pissed me off!

Just wow!

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