Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want MIL to pipe down and be more supportive?

29 replies

BadHairFatFeet · 30/08/2018 11:45

I know there's no shortage of MIL trouble threads, and i'd like to start this one with saying that I'm actually quite upset at the change in my relationship with my MIL.

We used to get on really well. But from the latter stages of my pregnancy and now with the arrival of our DS 3 weeks i feel there's been a shift in the dynamic and i don't like it...

My MIL has wanted to be a grandmother since forever - she is gaga about kids. DH and i live 2/3 hours away from her and my FIL, and i know they're worried about bonding with DS, and have said so, and do bring up the distance a fair amount as well as making comments about us moving closer (which we have no plans to do).

Ages ago when i was still pg we provisionally agreed to stay with them a couple of weeks after DS was born so nans and extended family and friends could meet him, they also visited us for a few days 3 days after his birth.

After their first visit, DH would get daily messages asking when we'd booked our tickets etc and how so-and-so wanted to meet our baby.

I realised that saying we'd visit when i was pregnant and the actual reality of making the journey 2 weeks after birth are 2 v different things. This was further complicated by DS having tongue-tie and my difficulties BF, which knocked my confidence.

We managed to get DS' tongue tie snipped, which meant getting used to breastfeeding again - all the while the MIL kept asking about her grandson visiting.

We agreed to go although i was worried it would be mega intense, and went for 5 days over the long weekend.

MIL was as intense as i suspected, but i can't knock her for loving our child and of course i want him to have a relationship with her and my FIL.

But she said a few things that made me feel lousy. That i looked "knackered", constantly making a point of how she did things differently and, the real reason i'm ranting - dummygate.

Now, i have no problem with dummies. I have bought some for DS. But because of the tongue tie and issues bf, i wanted to establish that first before we used dummies to comfort him. He's also only 3 weeks old, and nearly all the advice i got was to establish breastfeeding first - which i told her.

Whenever DS would cry for a feed or give his hungry signs, my MIL would keep saying how her Dr told her to use dummies on her boys, and how they were a godsend and would pop one in DS' mouth when i wasn't there. I did explain to her that i wanted to wait just a bit longer till i was feeding comfortably.

All i got was "sorry, but you have a dummy user on your hands", "i know you hate me for saying it, but he wants a dummy" when he wanted a feed... And i would explain, again, why i was waiting. All i got was her not listening to my reasoning and making comments about how much better it would be to use one.

She invited some friends of the family over and when they asked if i was using one and i explained for the 378346938 time why not quite yet, she did a really loud sarcastic laugh...

I've also seen a message pop up on DH's phone which said "trust me...use a dummy".

Now, i bought dummies because at some point we may very well end up using them...but i just can't fathom why she kept up this tiresome spiel and didn't listen to me at all. I'm not disregarding her "advice" to spite her - i was having a hard time breastfeeding my child and wanted to avoid anything to jeopardise that.

Now i feel like when i do use a dummy, it'll be "i told you so" lol.

AIBU (hormones and tiredness are also probably making this seem worse i realise...) to want to her to pipe down and be a bit more supportive???

OP posts:
Uncreative · 30/08/2018 11:48

Gah! I would throw the dummies out and potentially cut my nose off to spite my face. Flowers

HollowTalk · 30/08/2018 11:52

I can't believe you were expected to travel to her when you'd just had a baby. Why should her friends see your baby at such great inconvenience to you?

I would be really blunt with her over the dummy - she doesn't care about it, she just wants things to be done her way. I would say, "Honestly, every time you go on about dummies, I just want to go home and sit with my baby in peace."

Passmeabrew · 30/08/2018 11:57

My mil used to hokd a dummy on my eldest mouth which really grated on me so I feel your pain! He did become a dummy lover but he wasnt bf. My youngest was bf and refused a dumny. She used me instead! So you may find that yours doesn't bother either. This resulted in her insisting she wasn't hungry and just wanted a cuddle. However she underestimated how stubborn my youngest is and soon gave that up!!! I think my mil liked the dummy because then she could comfort baby.....no dummy meant they only wanted me. Once baby was bigger and she could bond on her in ways,she did relax and stop trying to get me to do it differently

Sicario · 30/08/2018 11:58

Aside from saying 'why don't you bugger off and mind your own business?' this is a tricky one. MIL is probably beside herself with excitement and unable to control herself as she reminisces about her own feelings on motherhood and what it was like for her. She may also be romanticising her own 'superior knowledge of what's best for baby'.

But now YOU are queen of the baby! You do whatever you want, in your own time, and everybody else can sod right off. Dummies have their place, as do mother in laws. Perhaps try to laugh along with her when she's in your company, and try not to say when she has another baby she can bring it up however she likes.

RuggerHug · 30/08/2018 12:02

Next time she says use a dummy, reply 'OK' and shove one in her gob while giving a Paddington bear hard stare.

AveABanana · 30/08/2018 12:02

Tell her it'll be easier to take your breasts away than a dummy. Or sigh, roll your eyes and say this, again every bloody time because someone who thinks it was easier for a tongue tied newborn with its bleeding mother to travel to her so she could show off to her friends is not thinking straight.

mostdays · 30/08/2018 12:08

DS1 took a dummy until 6 months, when he flatly refused. Neither ds2 nor ds3 were ever interested.

I'd have been rude, tbh. I would definitely be rude at this point. "Trust me, carry on like this and you won't be seeing much of us" is the sort of message she'd get back from me.

Alpacanorange · 30/08/2018 12:10

She is acting like superior know-it-all.

Can you have a quiet word and appeal to her better nature by saying to her what you have said here.
Dummies are a divided issue, some babies will take one, some will never. I had two who would spit it out every time. Those parents with babies that do like a dummy will not be easily convinced that not all babies want one.

Confusedbeetle · 30/08/2018 12:10

Very difficult. I am a MIL and a grandmother and I am shocked at how entitled some grandmothers are. It is a privilege to spend time with the grandchildren, not an entitlement. ( Sometimes it is a chore as well haha) It is a skill that many mothers develop to totally ignore well-meaning advice. Until she learns to give advice only when asked, smile sweetly and do your own thing. The promises you made to visit so soon were well meant but absolute madness. On the dummy issue, you are as likely to get advice to use them as condemnation for using them

Aprilshowersinaugust · 30/08/2018 12:12

Dummies are advised for sids reasons and I have used them from day 1 with ebf dc - but at the end of the day its your baby not hers!!
I wouldn't be booking any tickets until you feel confident you can tell her to stfu or have dh text her and tell her you won't be visiting just yet.
Block her number if she is stressing you via messages.
Tell dh to send her pics to keep her at bay.

Bluelady · 30/08/2018 12:14

As a confirmed dummy hater, I really feel your pain. In my world they're an absolute last resort for when you're climbing the walls and all else has failed. It's none of her business and her son needs to tell her exactly that.

As an aside, why were you the ones doing the travelling?

PositivelyPERF · 30/08/2018 12:15

*RuggerHug

Next time she says use a dummy, reply 'OK' and shove one in her gob while giving a Paddington bear hard stare.*

🤣 Brilliant. Go on OP.

AdoreTheBeach · 30/08/2018 12:28

Aside from whether using a dummy is right/wrong, better option or not - I think a real issue here is MIL not respecting your wishes and messaging your husband to contradict your decisions about the baby. That needs nipping in the bud right away or may continue on to feeding (what/when), potty training etc.

A discussion is needed that you’re the mother, you’re following advice from today’s perspective not the advice that was in fashion when your DH was a baby. That if you’d like her advice, you’ll ask for it and consider it but to please respect your decision, not to try to influence your DH to counteract decisions. That you’d live for MIL to be apart of baby’s life but please respect you as mother to baby.

EdwardBear1920 · 30/08/2018 12:34

Is it possible (actually, it is possible) that when the baby cries, you are the sole means for his comfort. And you are comforting him and feeding him as mothers do.

If you give him a dummy, then he can be comforted while she holds him.

It frees up time for her to holding/taking care of him. It's probably not malicious - she's not lining herself into being second in command or anything. She just wants to have him when he cries to be his comforter. She needs to back off, obviously, but my armchair psychology suggests this is the case.

My MIL was hopelessly excited about her first grandchild arriving to the extent that she drove me batty during pregnancy and early days. Her opinion was handed out to such a degree that it made my cry on occasion.

We're both over it now. It hasn't been a steady pace and she still does stuff that pisses me off, but now they're much older, I have become aware that I have a much huger and more important part in their lives even when we're not immediately together, and that they're quite capable of dealing out their opinions (or just rolling their eyes) when she delivers hers.

In return, she recognises that she gets way more time than any of her friends do with their grandchildren, and the fact that she actually likes being around them suggests that I've actually done a pretty good job after all.

NonaGrey · 30/08/2018 12:39

Your baby is only a few weeks old. You are full of hormones and sleep deprived.

If ever in your life you are allowed to lose your temper with your PILs this is the time.

Go for it, say what you think.

Don’t say anything unforgivable or personal about your MIL or parenting but tell her what you’ve said here:

She’s distressing you
She’s undermining you
It makes you not want to visit.

You have the baby, you have all the power.

You are the boss and she needs to get with the programme.

Plumsofwrath · 30/08/2018 12:41

Well, it’s a good thing she’s far away from you. Outsource your MIL to her son, and get on with raising your child. You are the parent, not her.

Tiptopj · 30/08/2018 12:45

Ah i feel your pain! I know it doesn't help much but I had the same with with my own mum. Everything I did seemed to get criticized or questioned - was he warm enough, was he feeding too much, was I doing things too early with him. It frazzled my brain and really started to affect the relationship with her as I stoped looking forward to seeing her.
Eventually I rationed that it she wasn't judging me on purpose, she just loves her grandson so much she feels she needs to pass on as much advice as she can to "help me". If you have an otherwise good relationship with her keep your ground, explain your reasons and moan to your friends and husband in private as it will pass...eventually

Morethanthisprovincallife · 30/08/2018 12:50

It is a privilege to spend time with the grandchildren, not an entitlement. ( Sometimes it is a chore as well haha)

YY why dont more people get this!

I cannot imagine treating or talking to my dds like this unless they asked me for advice,.

Saymaname · 30/08/2018 13:18

I took my eldest to a club and came back my 3 week old with a dummy Hmm As soon as they left I told DP that should’ve been a decision for us. I’m sure it’s a control thing. Relations have not improved. Good luck!

NotSoThinLizzy · 30/08/2018 13:36

I was in the same boat with my mum. When d's was born everytime I turned my back in one went then poor guy would wind up starving and frustrated. In the end he never used a dummy 😂 didn't like them

Notonthestairs · 30/08/2018 13:53

Off topic but why didn't they travel to you?

Aprilshowersinaugust · 30/08/2018 14:02

My ex mil had the rage I ebf my ds's because it did indeed mean they needed me and at some point she had to hand them back.
Maybe something in that for your situation op. Maybe she is already plotting the week ends over at granny's house conversion.....

Original poster
BadHairFatFeet · 30/08/2018 14:38

Thanks all for the advice and support.

I hadn't thought of it being her wanting to comfort him too, but it makes sense as she would always say "i'll take him/i'll hold him" etc.

Hopefully with time she'll chill out...and i see now that it's important to stand my ground (while being polite, of course).

Loved this by the way: "Next time she says use a dummy, reply 'OK' and shove one in her gob while giving a Paddington bear hard stare.*"

Haha, if only!

OP posts:
glintandglide · 30/08/2018 14:50

She sounds MENTAL. My MIl is a bit like this- gets obsessed with an idea and doesn’t shut up.

We had similar dummy discussions. She told me whilst I was pregnant that I would use dummies.

Now I don’t really care what people do with their babies but I didn’t want to use a dummy because the idea of weaning them off it gives me the fear so I thought it best not to start. My parents didn’t use dummies, so basically I didn’t even know what they were for tbh.

Despite this she told me it was impossible to raise a baby without a dummy and I’d change my tune. Really odd, the dummy love

TheWernethWife · 30/08/2018 15:01

I never gave my babies dummies and we managed ok, I hate seeing children with dummies stuck in their mouths, not understanding what they say because they have this bloody thing stuffed in their gob.

Swipe left for the next trending thread