AIBU to want MIL to pipe down and be more supportive?

[BadHairFatFeet]

I know there's no shortage of MIL trouble threads, and i'd like to start this one with saying that I'm actually quite upset at the change in my relationship with my MIL.

We used to get on really well. But from the latter stages of my pregnancy and now with the arrival of our DS 3 weeks i feel there's been a shift in the dynamic and i don't like it...

My MIL has wanted to be a grandmother since forever - she is gaga about kids. DH and i live 2/3 hours away from her and my FIL, and i know they're worried about bonding with DS, and have said so, and do bring up the distance a fair amount as well as making comments about us moving closer (which we have no plans to do).

Ages ago when i was still pg we provisionally agreed to stay with them a couple of weeks after DS was born so nans and extended family and friends could meet him, they also visited us for a few days 3 days after his birth.

After their first visit, DH would get daily messages asking when we'd booked our tickets etc and how so-and-so wanted to meet our baby.

I realised that saying we'd visit when i was pregnant and the actual reality of making the journey 2 weeks after birth are 2 v different things. This was further complicated by DS having tongue-tie and my difficulties BF, which knocked my confidence.

We managed to get DS' tongue tie snipped, which meant getting used to breastfeeding again - all the while the MIL kept asking about her grandson visiting.

We agreed to go although i was worried it would be mega intense, and went for 5 days over the long weekend.

MIL was as intense as i suspected, but i can't knock her for loving our child and of course i want him to have a relationship with her and my FIL.

But she said a few things that made me feel lousy. That i looked "knackered", constantly making a point of how she did things differently and, the real reason i'm ranting - dummygate.

Now, i have no problem with dummies. I have bought some for DS. But because of the tongue tie and issues bf, i wanted to establish that first before we used dummies to comfort him. He's also only 3 weeks old, and nearly all the advice i got was to establish breastfeeding first - which i told her.

Whenever DS would cry for a feed or give his hungry signs, my MIL would keep saying how her Dr told her to use dummies on her boys, and how they were a godsend and would pop one in DS' mouth when i wasn't there. I did explain to her that i wanted to wait just a bit longer till i was feeding comfortably.

All i got was "sorry, but you have a dummy user on your hands", "i know you hate me for saying it, but he wants a dummy" when he wanted a feed... And i would explain, again, why i was waiting. All i got was her not listening to my reasoning and making comments about how much better it would be to use one.

She invited some friends of the family over and when they asked if i was using one and i explained for the 378346938 time why not quite yet, she did a really loud sarcastic laugh...

I've also seen a message pop up on DH's phone which said "trust me...use a dummy".

Now, i bought dummies because at some point we may very well end up using them...but i just can't fathom why she kept up this tiresome spiel and didn't listen to me at all. I'm not disregarding her "advice" to spite her - i was having a hard time breastfeeding my child and wanted to avoid anything to jeopardise that.

Now i feel like when i do use a dummy, it'll be "i told you so" lol.

AIBU (hormones and tiredness are also probably making this seem worse i realise...) to want to her to pipe down and be a bit more supportive???

I might as well have been invisible to my exmil once my DS was born, it was as if I had served my purpose & given them someone to carry on their family name. She will be going hairless soon as DS now 14 has decided that when I go back to my maiden name, he wants my name as well.

From the day he was born she disrespected me & ignored my wishes about everything regarding bringing up my DS. Fed him foods he wasn't allowed to eat as he was too young, ignored our routine, put him to nap on the changing mat on the floor instead of in his carry cot, wouldn't allow him his dummy or cuddly dog he took everywhere with him, by the age or 18 months DS used to hide his dummies & dog behind a cushion if mil came to the house, she changed his clothes if he wasn't in an outfit she had bought him, it nearly ended our marriage even sooner than it did end.

Dummy's do interfere with breastfeeding in the early weeks as the main reason dummy's were used was to allow babies to suckle between formula pace feeding which is obviously not needed with nursing.

I was fully open to using dummies with my girls but they preferred the boob for comfort.

I think for the next 10 weeks dont make the effort to travel and hopefully by then you'll be over the intense sleep depreviation and set up with your preferred feeding method so you'll be mucb more comfortable in batting off your MIL insensitive comments.

Your DH also needs to present a united front. He can disagree with your in private but in public your are a unit and if he starts agreeing with your MIL in earshot she will absolutely latch on to that authority.

@nat6999 thats heartbreaking that he thought had to protect his little doggy.

Exactly the same thing with dummies and my MIL. We just kept a very persistent front of saying no, not while we're were establishing breastfeeding. It took many, many times but eventually she left it alone. And the my DS never wanted a dummy after that and would just spit it out when we offered it.