AIBU to take my sd's phone during visits?

[Pawpatrolsucks]

My dh took his EW to court over access a few months, and won visits eoweekend. His EW gave their 8 year old daughter a phone so they can keep in touch while with us. The phone is full of games and if SD has the phone she doesn't interact with anyone. I now take the phone and SD knows if she wants to call her mum all she has to do is ask. Sd's mum has said the phone must be with her daughter at all times incase mum wants to call. AIBU to take the phone? SD has a lot of fun and doesn't ask for the phone while here, but if she has the phone she just plays games all the time. It feels like a bit of a power play.

Not unreasonable at all as long as you have the phone on so her mum can still ring if she needs to.
Can't you sleep either?

I think it’s reasonable screen time should limited so SD shouldn’t have the phone all the time but it’s probably something your husband should enforce / hd should inform his exw. He can make it clear the phone is available for her to call SD on however when she’s visiting you she’s taking part in time with you so she can answer all the time. I’m assuming your DH couldn’t just call SD whenever he wanted in her time with her mum? Seems quite reasonable to me that phone calls are at ore arranged tuned or the evening.

From my point of view I don’t call my son at all when he’s at his dads. That’s his dads time and as his other parent I trust his dad and his dad Gf to be able to look after & patent DS. Of course if DS wants to call me I’m always available

It's lunch time here. My dh is speaking to EW about it. I do pass the phone if I hear it ring, but the issue is SD not replying to messages quickly enough. Thanks for the replies!

YANBU to not want her sitting playing with a phone all weekend, my kids have no devices and I wouldn’t want it either, but your DH should be the one removing the phone. I get that as a loving step parent you should be involved in all of the good and the bad, but as he’s had to fight for access and this EO weekend thing is new, I think he should be doing the discipline type stuff otherwise you’re falling into wicked step-mother/antagonistic territory, and you shouldn’t have to. I do have experience as a step parent (we’re still close), but the bigger issues I honestly wouldn’t have gotten involved in. Telling her variations of “Eat all of your dinner, it’s bedtime now, say thank you, stop that it’s dangerous.....” levels of discipline are fine and necessary IMO for a step parent, but I really believe this phone situation is for the two parents to deal with.

YANBU not wanting her to use the phone but YABU taking it off her.

It seems your step daughter staying at your place is relatively new? If that is the case then I think her mum may want to ensure her dd can get to speak to her if she needs to.

I'd let her have the phone all the time on the condition she only uses it to speak to her mum.

How quickly is her DM expecting messages to be replied to? DSD should be having fun and quality time with you, not anticipating notifications from the phone.

What if you go to the cinema, to the beach or on a bike ride? She could be out of reach for a good while. Her DM needs to remember that 'no news is good news' ie you or DSD will call straight away if there's a problem.

Limiting screen time is normal.

That's what your dh, the child's father should be doing.

I wouldn't be happy if exhs partner was removing my kids phones.

If her coming over is new, your dh should really be taking the lead with decisions like this for now.

Agree this should be up to your DH.

Maybe arrange a time in advance where DH's ex can contact SD. You can ask that she call your home phone or your DH's cell if there is an emergency.

Your time with SD is your time with her. Unless there is a court order in place that she is to have the phone, the ex has NO say in the rules in place at your home.

Dh has said he will make sure SD checks her phone at certain times. I try to intervene because if it was up to dh he would turn it off and that would be the end of it. The arrangement has always been eow but mum has too inconsistent so dh took her to court. I will just try leaving it and see if it's more of an interfering step mum thing more than a contact thing.

My ex banned phones at his house and he was a violent alcoholic. But his house his rules. His ex just has to put up with your house your rules I'm afraid.

Don’t put yourself on the outer, not with SD & not with his Ex.

She’s a child in your home, your rules apply. If your DH disagrees with them, then you need to discuss it, if not then ‘as you were’. Clearly with this your DH doesn’t disagree with you (and would go further), so you don’t need to do anything. However, I t might be helpful for DH to text/say ‘Paw has already told you DD will check her phone and can call you anytime she wants to. She’s left the phone on so that we hear any calls or texts & will get DC to reply when it’s convenient. If it was down to me I would turn it off while she is in my care. We do not want her glued to a screen while she’s here’.

Clear message that he supports you doing what you’re doing, your word is as good as his and that if she carries on, the result will be less availability, not more. Plus it reinforcing it its screen, not the contact, you’re both objecting to’

You’re not being unreasonable.

I can see why it’s nice for her to feel she can text/talk to her DD as and when, but she needs to respect her time with her Dad & you. She can still message her, she’s just needs to wait a bit for a reply. No biggie UNLESS there is ANY unknown background here such as DD not wanting to be there, being worried etc or your DH somehow being ‘less’ than he should be (but it seems unlikely as you seem too nice to put up with any of that crap).

"It feels like a bit of a power play."
Possibly by you.

Do you do anything with her when you have removed her phone?
Are you and her dad banned from your phones while she is there?
If so then its reasonable.

If you take her phone away then sit their on your own devices or are busy doing other things and not interacting with her then is that really fair?

No phones at meal times, while there is a family activity or at bed time is reasonable.
To ban it for the whole weekend is not.

Agree, Ethylred. Make things easier for her in the mess that step-families cause and avoid heavy-handed behaviour. Discipline should come from the biological parent unless you’re able to deal with her with the right motives, i.e. a loving relationship.

Yes it sounds like a power play from your dh. It’s my time the phone is off no contact with your mum and primary care provider

The messages is not the issue the playing apps is. So do other things with her to help her interact and feel part of the family

YABU.

Give the child back her phone to facilitate communication between her and her mother. This desire to be able to communicate freely with no 'middle man' picking up the phone if you hear it ringing is perfectly reasonable. The whole weekend ban is not on.

Make a huge effort to get DSD participating in whatever the family does while she is there.

You are not unreasonable to ban phone use during meals.

You and H on the one hand, and the child's mother on the other hand need to resolve this between yourselves and not do the 'give the phone/take the phone' thing, which is most unhealthy as it puts the child in the middle of warring parents.

Tell your H he and his exW should consider family mediation if they can't get their act together on this and put their child first.

When she's with you, could you maybe take her SIM and put it in a crappy old, non internet phone? Then she can take calls and messages but can't access social media or games. Might be a good compromise.

Ribena I can't believe I didn't think of that.
My dh thanks you. He's getting her a phone just for her to call her mum when she is here. Though I'm sure that will be an issue because the phone will get ignored, but will see how it goes.

Can't you allow her to have her phone but say she can't play games on it?

She has been told no games, but she might leave it for 10 minutes then it's games again. Dh sent a text to exw as SD is here tomorrow, saying he will get her a phone just to contact mum when here, but apparently that's not ok as mum wants her to have her own phone as SD loves the phone and wants privacy.
I'm out, I thought that was a good compromise. Dh is just going to leave it off unless SD wants to call or text. Thanks for the ideas.

Surley enforcing the rules re not playing games, is the way to go.

Will take a few weekends and a bit of consistency (like all other parenting things). I agree that her autonomy re communication with her mum and no middle man/asking for her phone, is reasonable.

Yes agree above 2. Turning off is not the answer and seems to be controlling and unhelpful. Phone away time for everyone is much better try interacting with her but allow some phone time. You know normal parenting

She has time where she can play games, just not all day. If she has the phone she is constantly being told to put it down, if the phone is taken away she forgets about it and plays with the other kids. SD knows if she wants to call her mum she just has to tell us and the phone is always given back, it more that her mum likes to be able to call her. Dh offered a solution, exw didn't like it, she may have to just deal with waiting for SD to decide she wants to call her. I'm leaving them to it, if dh can turn the phone off if that's what he wants to do. I think he should just get a phone that can be left on all the time.

No one on here would let their ex nrp have a phone and demand they have it at all times just incase they want to contact DF but why is it ok for the RP to demend this. (Its not ) no court in the land would let ethier party demend something so controlling at best they might say they have to be available for a phone call at a certain time but thats it.

You are getting a hard time because your the NRP partner and on mumsmet NRP and their partners should be sub servent to the wims of the RP at all times.