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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not share bed with DH?

44 replies

NameChangeyMcChangerson · 29/08/2018 22:19

I have a seven week old baby - our first. About three days after she was born, at my suggestion, DH moved into the spare room - I'm breastfeeding so he can't actually do anything much during the night wakings, so it just seemed to make sense for him to be better rested so that he could look after both me and DD during the day, even at the weekend. He's tried to sleep in our room a couple of times since then but DD (who is a noisy/snuffly sleeper, like most small babies) keeps him awake even when she's asleep, so he got even less sleep than me and we were both a bit miserable. So I think he'll probably stay in the spare room until DD goes in her own room at six months or later. I feel ok about this, and I think so does he, but today at a mums group I was at everyone was talking about couples who sleep separately so mum can sleep with baby and how awful it is, how it would wreck their marriage, and how those dads must be terrible partners who weren't pulling their weight. They were talking specifically about someone whose baby is a few weeks older than mine - not about people doing it with toddlers or anything. I kept quiet and thought they were being stupid/judgemental - but now I keep thinking about it. If we keep sleeping separately, will it wreck our marriage - will we look back and regret it?

OP posts:
BulletWithABun · 29/08/2018 22:21

I don't think you will regret it. It's sensible. As long as you're able to still make some time for each other it will be fine!

Worlds0kayestmum · 29/08/2018 22:22

Horses for courses. If it's working for you both then I wouldn't worry, it's only for the short term

marvellousnightforamooncup · 29/08/2018 22:22

In those early days with a small baby just do what works for you. The sleep deprivation is hellish so don't waste your time worrying about what other people think, do what you think.

Willthisdoo · 29/08/2018 22:23

It sounds to me like a lot of judgemental rubbish was being spouted at toddler group, please don’t worry. If it works for both of you then that is the main thing - like you say, it’s just a short term solution. I think personally what’s far more dangerous to a relationship is two utterly sleep deprived parents who are just too tired to coexist happily. Don’t worry about it!

Jessiemay88 · 29/08/2018 22:23

Iv got 5month old and me n dh sleep separate. Mostly because hes a grump if hes tired so better for him to sleep. I bf too so no need for him to be knackered. He snores too so actually i get better sleep minus husband too.

Original poster
NameChangeyMcChangerson · 29/08/2018 22:27

Ah, these replies are making me feel better, thanks! It was part of a general discussion on the evils of cosleeping, which I also sometimes do, so I generally felt a bit judged, though none of them knew they were talking about my situation (and I'm sure wouldn't have said it if they had)!

OP posts:
Passingwords · 29/08/2018 22:29

Ignore them- you don’t have to be in each other’s pockets- he should be awake because you are is rubbish. Everyone functions better on sleep- just make sure he knows you need that bed over the weekend between feeds to get some zzzzs or better still get expressing so you can store enough for him to feed DC with expressed milk for a couple of turns so you get a good stretch altho engorged boobs may wake you up. He’d likely have to wear one of your worn but not washed tops for her to settle with him in the beginning

Balibabe1 · 29/08/2018 22:29

Agree with everything already stated, however make sure you keep the lines of communication open. Congratulations on your new arrival 💐

Ansumpasty · 29/08/2018 22:31

If it’s working and you are both happy, stuff what everyone else thinks!

Don’t bother telling people- everyone has an opinion and in the end, it’s only yours and your husbands that counts.

RLOU30 · 29/08/2018 22:32

I’m in bed now with my 11 week old in his next to me crib. Partner in other room and has been for 3 weeks as it just wasn’t working for us. This is better for all of us for now. It isn’t for ever just do what gets you through these early days, that’s what I have come to learn anyway!

thejeangenie36 · 29/08/2018 22:33

OP, I'm a man with a 4 month old breast fed baby, and I've been sleeping in a different room to my wife. We do split shifts, so that I have our son for the first part of the evening - he sleeps cuddled up (which is how I am posting on here - the site has been good for parenting questions and the forum passes the time).

We did exactly the same for our first child. I don't think it harmed our relationship at all.

notdaddycool · 29/08/2018 22:33

Things will probably get better well before 6 months, even if he still has the odd night alone. Do what’s right for you, what happens in your bedroom is nobody else’s business.

Catlady35 · 29/08/2018 22:34

DH slept on the sofa for the first 6 months. DD is now 2, sleeps in her own room and we’re still married! Co-sleeping was my only hope of getting even a little bit of rest, and since dh drives an emergency vehicle at work I agreed that he shouldn’t be spending his nights getting kicked out of bed by a wriggly baby.

mishfish · 29/08/2018 22:34

Ignore them. Like a poster above said- in the early days you’ve just got to do what works for you. Only thing I would say though is to make sure you’re getting a decent sleep occasionally too (even if it’s a Saturday day time!) and make clear that as soon as he is able to help with night wakings then he will be doing so.

I’m currently sleeping in a separate room to my partner as I’ve hurt my back and our mattress is knackered. Our new one will be arriving soon but I secretly want to stay here in my son’s bottom bunk as it is sooooo comfortable Grin

Justkeepswimminglalala · 29/08/2018 22:35

Oh what rubbish. DP and I didn't share a bed until DS was almost 10 months. We were like passing ships until then but we are stronger than ever. Do what works for you both and just remember to talk to one another so you are both happy with the situation. Good luck.

user1493413286 · 29/08/2018 22:35

Looking back I think it would have made much more sense for DH to sleep separately as there wasn’t much he could do and I would have appreciated being less conscious that he had work the next day when I was getting up.
Also him being in another room doesn’t stop you going to him if you do need help or support with anything.

noego · 29/08/2018 22:40

Probably googled it, read an article and now it has become the mantra.
I call BS. If you and DP are happy with the arrangement then who give a

He could always get ear plugs if you're that worried

FaithInfinity · 29/08/2018 23:02

We had separate rooms for the first 3 months. DD was BF, DH snored! It made sense. I also got hungry in the night so I could snack without worrying about the noise. We found it better by 3 months, DD went into her big cot and settled better. We had visitors in the spare room and when DH came back in I commented that I hadn’t realised how much I’d missed him! He stayed in after that. We are still married 5 years later and DD settled fine in her own room at 6 months. Do what works for you as a family.

thegreatbeyond · 29/08/2018 23:07

Well, I sleep away from them both. They are ruddy noisy at night and demanding during the day. It's how I remain semi-sane and out of jail :)

serbska · 29/08/2018 23:11

You know what wrecks relationships? Being more sleep deprived than absolutely needed.

It’s fine to sleep in separate rooms, keep the intaacy alive with cuddles and songs on the sofa if you can be bothered.

KimKatCourtney · 29/08/2018 23:14

Pretty much 4 yrs of breastfeeding during the night here and mostly separate rooms since babies have been born. I do all night wakings but trade off is DH does all housework (I also work FT) works for us - and we still managed to make DC2 😀

MrsDc7 · 29/08/2018 23:18

Myself and DH spent the first 4/5 months after DS2 in separate rooms. I was a bit gutted when we moved back into the same bedroom but I didn’t want to leave it any longer really Grin. It didn’t do us any harm

Procrastination4 · 29/08/2018 23:18

Do what suits you and ignore the nonsense being spouted at the mums’ group. Sleep deprivation for both of you is what would put your relationship under huge pressure, in my opinion, and you’re coming to a reasonable compromise to avoid that.
For what it’s worth, my husband is bunking down in the spare bedroom tonight and will be for the next week as he is on call, and, if last night is any indicator, it will be a week of broken nights. I’m back to school tomorrow, and absolutely have to get a good night’s sleep tonight if I’m to function tomorrow. That’s being sensible and finding a solution to a problem. It’s hasn’t affected our 29 year marriage so far! Likewise, you and your DH have a solution to your problem. It won’t last forever! Congratulations on your little baby, by the way.

Graphista · 29/08/2018 23:25

We co-slept with dd until she was about 3 months old. Safely never had a problem and it meant we all got enough sleep. I also was bf at this stage. That worked for us, but what works for you is your business. My ex could sleep through earthquakes (literarally!)

By around 3 months dd wanted her own space and went in cot in our room. But settled well neither dd nor exh woke each other (both snorers - could not BELIEVE how loud a 3 month old baby could score! Thinking now that maybe I shoulda gone in the spare room!) just me!

As pp say it's fine if suits you BOTH BUT I'd say review regularly not wait until 6 months point. By then any resentments could have not only introduced themselves but moved in and got their feet well under the table.

Also be cautious that not sharing a bed at night doesn't kibosh affection (and I don't mean sex necessarily), physical affection is what bonds people.

Consider that just because you're bf doesn't mean dad can't/shouldn't do night wakings too, there's other things can be done and certainly when he hasn't work the next day at least he can be doing winding, nappy changes, cuddles/soothing, teething/colic duty etc.

Ex is ex due to cheating nothing to do with who slept where.

Congratulations on your new baby Flowers

Singlenotsingle · 29/08/2018 23:28

Some people think separate bedrooms is good for the marriage, and keeps it fresh.

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