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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not share bed with DH?

44 replies

NameChangeyMcChangerson · 29/08/2018 22:19

I have a seven week old baby - our first. About three days after she was born, at my suggestion, DH moved into the spare room - I'm breastfeeding so he can't actually do anything much during the night wakings, so it just seemed to make sense for him to be better rested so that he could look after both me and DD during the day, even at the weekend. He's tried to sleep in our room a couple of times since then but DD (who is a noisy/snuffly sleeper, like most small babies) keeps him awake even when she's asleep, so he got even less sleep than me and we were both a bit miserable. So I think he'll probably stay in the spare room until DD goes in her own room at six months or later. I feel ok about this, and I think so does he, but today at a mums group I was at everyone was talking about couples who sleep separately so mum can sleep with baby and how awful it is, how it would wreck their marriage, and how those dads must be terrible partners who weren't pulling their weight. They were talking specifically about someone whose baby is a few weeks older than mine - not about people doing it with toddlers or anything. I kept quiet and thought they were being stupid/judgemental - but now I keep thinking about it. If we keep sleeping separately, will it wreck our marriage - will we look back and regret it?

OP posts:

Twitteratti · 29/08/2018 23:30

DH and I slept in separate rooms for DS's first 9 months.
If it works for you both there is no reason at all why it should put a strain on your marriage.
I was reading an article today about how the upper classes traditionally have 3 bedrooms. One each and then a separate one for nookie

Astrid2 · 29/08/2018 23:30

My parents have slept in separate rooms for 30 years and have one of the best relationships I know! Do what works so you're both happy. It might not be for the whole 6 months if baby settles into a routine and isn't so snuffley!

user1andonly · 29/08/2018 23:32

I think, when there are babies in the house, you do whatever works best for you as a family, to ensure everyone gets as much sleep as possible!

With our second and third babies, I moved into their room for six months and dealt with the night feeds, as bf, and dh got up to toddlers (if they woke) and also got up with them at crack of dawn and gave them breakfast before bringing me a cup of tea before he left for work - this often meant I got a couple of hours decent sleep between 6 and 8 which really helped as I can do late nights but detest early mornings! If a baby was awake for a long time and I was on my knees, I'd wake dh to help settle them.

My only regret is not moving in with DS1 when he was tiny as dh could never sleep well with a baby in the room and would wake to the slightest whimper/snuffle/fart from the crib which meant I got disturbed sooner than I would have otherwise as I could usually sleep until the baby was fully awake and demanding food so I actually got far more sleep on my own with the baby

Do what works for you all.

TheLette · 29/08/2018 23:37

We mainly slept in separate rooms until the baby was about 6 months, then gradually he moved back in until he was full time in the same bed from about 9 months. I preferred the extra space as we co-slept and I didn't fancy being squished between a starfishing baby and a 6ft+ man.

Booboopidoo · 29/08/2018 23:45

We did it and it didn’t wreck our marriage. It meant DH was rested and able to support me better and I didn’t have to feel bad about him going to work on no sleep. There was no competitive tiredness either, we both knew it was me who was knackered so I got the appropriate level of sympathy and pampering, much nicer than two exhausted people sniping at each other over who’s more tired

I’m the sort of person who generally does things my own way so I’ve learnt now to detach from this kind of ‘judgey’ conversation. I just smile vaguely, let it go over my head and then go and do things my way, don’t doubt yourself OP, your way is fine

SpoonBlender · 29/08/2018 23:47

Should be fine. Keep talking with him about it though, to make sure it's not making him feel split out of the family.

BuntyII · 29/08/2018 23:49

Is the key to a happy marriage lying in bed resenting each other for snoring/not helping with the baby/being smelly and annoying? I doubt it.

gamerchick · 29/08/2018 23:54

I find it really strange that people think that not sleeping in the same bed as another adult will kill the relationship. It's utter garbage!

Sleeping in the same bed isnt the law and isnt necessary if you have the room. The people who can't sleep unless they're entwined are in wierd co dependant relationships imo

Do what works and if sleeping seperately works for now then it's fine. You can go back to sharing later if you want.... Or not and that's fine too.

Tillytrotter123 · 30/08/2018 00:08

It’s completely fine and normal! I have a 5 month old baby and I’m currently in the spare room excited about a lay in! Normally it’s dp in the spare room but I just cannot sleep with a baby at one side and an adult the other. Don’t worry at all, just grab sleep whenever you can.

agnurse · 30/08/2018 01:41

Hubby and I don't always sleep in the same bed. Hubby works nights 3-4 days a week (12-hour shifts) and I work 8-4 Monday to Friday. His sleep schedule can be somewhat erratic and I have to be up early. Hubby is also autistic and frequently has trouble sleeping. Sleeping in separate rooms helps keep both of us sane and ensures we get good quality sleep. It doesn't mean there's a problem in our marriage.

Fruitbatdancer · 30/08/2018 05:10

A lot of my friends did this! In fact most of them, with no issue at all. I never needed to as DH sleeps like a log and DS never woke him up
Just be a little aware to keep it short term tho (if that’s what you both want) one distant friend is still co- sleeping with her 9 year old and Her DH still in box room! Which doesn’t sound ideal!

Original poster

NameChangeyMcChangerson · 30/08/2018 09:43

Thanks all - feeling much better now! I suspected this was actually pretty normal, but they made me feel so odd! DH found the nights he was in with us so hard that he keeps saying that I am 'an actual superhero' and saying that I must sit down and rest, so I'll take that!

OP posts:

Wheresthel1ght · 30/08/2018 11:02

Dp works permanent nights so how we created a child in the first place is amazing but I am a huge believer in do whatever you need to do in order to survive.

I absolutely love my dd, but she is a sleep the if and has been since she was conceived. We are finally starting to get a settled regular routine where she sleeps through... She was 5 2 weeks ago.

Our relationship is not as intimate as it was prior to dd but that is also a result of weight gain, work schedules, family with cancer and general life. However we are more in love and closer as a couple than ever and we work hard to get "us" time.

As long as you remember not to take each other for granted and make time for closeness then I am certain things will be fine!

lovechocolates · 30/08/2018 11:42

Hi. I remember I slept in the main bedroom and the dh slept on a blow up mattress in the living room. It worked for us. It doesn't last that long.

LoisCommonDenominator84 · 30/08/2018 11:51

Sleeping separately probably saved our marriage in those days! Don’t get why people think it is detrimental to relationships, you’re asleep anyway?!?

theunsure · 30/08/2018 11:55

DH and I have no DC and have separate bedrooms as we just don't sleep well together.

He goes to bed earlier and gets up much earlier than me and I have a sleep disorder.

I think separate space leads to a much happier marriage in our case, if we sleep well we are nice people. Sleep deprived we are vile.

NC4Now · 30/08/2018 11:57

I think toddler groups can be places where everyone is a bit defensive of their way of doing things. Don’t worry about it.
If it works for you, keep doing it. Personally I’d have to speak up (but I’m a bit defensive) but there’s no reason for it to be anyone else’s business.

MrsPeacockDidIt · 30/08/2018 12:52

We did this too when DS was small. DH had a long driving commute and I didn't want him driving those distances tired as it wasn't safe. We FF too so in theory he could have helped with feeds but for that first year I didn't have to drive anywhere and could sit on sofa and veg if I needed to. During the first few months I would go to bed early and he would stay up and give feed around 11pm then bring DS in to me.

We now sleep separately because of the snoring. It has saved our marriage as trying to sleep with a snorer most likely would have resulted in me killing him :-)

Failydail5 · 30/08/2018 13:36

My DH and I have separate rooms/beds. We both like having our own space. It started when he worked shifts but has continued because it just works for us. Where you sleep doesn't mean anything in my opinion. Why do we all of a sudden have to cram all our stuff into one room and share everything when we have a partner? Having your own space is lovely.

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