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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Neighbour asked to borrow money again.

77 replies

Maisymoo22 · 29/08/2018 21:58

Don’t get me wrong because she’ll be asking again on Friday but AIBU to not lend her any tonight.

She just messaged me at 9:45 pm to ask if I could lend her £7 to get a taxi to see her therapist in the morning.
I’ve just this minute got out of the bath my hair is soaking wet and I’ve three pounds in my purse.
I’m feeling shattered and I really don’t feel like getting dressed to pop down to the cash point.
Then I’m thinking who, knowing they have somewhere to go in the morning would leave it until this late to sort it out? Was IBU TO SAY NO?

OP posts:
Original poster
Maisymoo22 · 30/08/2018 01:36

Hollow Talk it does seem like a big chunk of money to someone who is struggling doesn’t it.
I think I’d rather brave the bus if it was me.

OP posts:
Takfujimoto · 30/08/2018 01:39

She could walk instead, exercise helps with depression.
That is genuine advice, I've been clinically depressed for over a decade and my mood does go up after regular exercise.

charlestonchaplin · 30/08/2018 02:38

British community spirit at its best! The fact that this woman dares to interact with the OP on anything other than an occasional basis seems to be the source of anger to many here because she always pays back and, it seems, quickly too. No, I don't expect OP to make a special trip to the cashpoint, but there seems to be a lot of annoyance that the neighbour even has the temerity to ask to borrow money at all.

I always knew my decision to never ask my neighbours for help unless someone else is seriously ill or injured was the right one. If I was dying, I'd try to die quickly and quietly rather than ask for their help.

Vitalogy · 30/08/2018 03:11

These things need nipping in the bud.

AltheaorDonna · 30/08/2018 03:59

charlestonchaplin, the issue isn't the neighbour asking the odd favour. Its expecting a favour on a regular basis that the OP is bridling at, and who can blame her? She is not her neighbour's personal cash point, and her neighbour is being very cheeky to expect it. And what are you on about wanting to die quickly rather than ask a favour, bit hyperbolic innit?

Birdsgottafly · 30/08/2018 04:42

"" Fwiw i have bad depression and it doesnt stop me using the bus.""

Good for you. I missed vital hospital appointments because of my agoraphobia/depression. Some people go further and kill themselves. I told myself that I wasn't entitled to use the ambulance service, because of a lack of self esteem and enough twats around me telling me that I should be able to do things. Well, I couldn't. I ended up life threateningly ill because of my inability to get on a bus.

I got taxis to my therapy session and may do again, in September, when I start again. It's either that, or I know I won't get there.

OP, she has said "no probs". So I don't understand the need to have her criticised on here.

It makes a mockery of how we are supposed to have progressed in the understanding of mental health issues.

mathanxiety · 30/08/2018 05:08

THIS ^^

OP, when her therapy begins to have an effect she may be able to stop borrowing and reduce her cashflow problems or whatever else it may be that is causing her to have this interaction with you.

You never know what significance it may have for someone with a MH problem that someone else is in some way - even unwittingly - supporting them, or trusting them, or that they have regular contact with another human being that is friendly and responsible.

This woman can't at the moment take the bus and always pays you back. You don't know what need of hers is being filled by this simple interaction and transaction that the two of you have been engaging in.

If you can afford to lend a tenner and if she always pays back, then I would say keep on doing it.

mathanxiety · 30/08/2018 05:16

I don't think it's a good idea to possibly provoke a crisis based on the assumption that 'enabling' is a problem when someone has a MH issue.

'Enabling' is a dynamic that is associated with addiction anyway.

Best not to confuse depression and addiction. People don't recover from depression because of 'tough love'.

Original poster
Maisymoo22 · 30/08/2018 08:34

Birds and Math, my main issue is that she left it so late the night before to ask!
As other pps have said she must have known about the appointment in advance so had time to arrange transport.
When she asked it was 9:45 at night. I didn’t have enough in my purse only a few pounds.
I’d just come out of the bath was in my pjs and had wet hair. I don’t drive so would have had to have dressed and quickly dried my hair and made myself look half human to walk or rather belt down to the cash point which is situated inside a shop that closes at 10 pm!

Who leaves it so last minute to get something like that sorted out?

OP posts:
LuckyTwiglet · 30/08/2018 08:49

Just say flat out no, don't give any reason. Just enjoy the following silence. Requests will soon stop.

lemonsorbetinthesun · 30/08/2018 10:10

I think it's quite odd and presumptive to assume that there is a link with her mental health and money management skills.

Unless of course her illness is so severe that this has had an impact on her cognition. I suspect this isn't the case though because I doubt OP would have started this thread if it were the case, as she's helped her neighbour on a regular basis for a long period.

I wonder if she gets disability benefits, if she doesn't she should apply. The point of PIP etc is to meet the additional needs you have as a result of your illness. For some people that may mean buying equipment. For others this may mean taxis to appointments, car parking fees etc.

Perhaps suggest ring and ride (or there are usually other schemes) if she has this therapy regularly and to continue for a period of time. She would need to pay for this, but she's paying for taxis anyway.

It's not your responsibility to ensure she gets to her appointments however.

RestingBitchFaced · 30/08/2018 10:45

Keep saying no, hopefully she will give up eventually. You are not responsible for her, and she's obviously assuming you will always bail her out. If she persists, just say 'can you stop asking for money as it's getting awkward'

dustarr73 · 30/08/2018 13:47

@ Maisymoo22 she left it so late so you wouldnt say no to her.But you did.
So stop lending her money and look after yourself

LeftRightCentre · 30/08/2018 14:30

YANBU. Keep saying no.

AdaColeman · 30/08/2018 14:36

YANBU
Stop lending her money, keep saying no.

keyboardkate · 30/08/2018 14:44

I personally feel that it is ok to help out those less fortunate now and then. But a constant refrain is ridiculous and irresponsible. If this person could not borrow from you, who would she tap? I'd be inclined to put a stop to it now. I know it's hard, but it has to be done.

The reason I might sound a bit hard hearted, is because a friend of mine once asked me to help out with her sister's funeral. She was expected to pay and asked me for help. She knew I was in a well paid job.

I felt so sorry for her, and I gave her £500, to which she said, thanks kate, that will pay for the wake, we have enough for the funeral. Can you imagine my face! Never got a single penny back, but my view is, if you are prepared to lend, lend with the opinion that you will NOT get it back! Anyway onwards.

Then a couple of years later got another request for another £500 to pay essential bills and food and car repairs. Hmmm. I asked her to send me the bills and the account numbers/garage number and I would pay them myself, and would pay for a supermarket delivery if she gave me the list. I would not see anyone hungry or have the electric cut off.

Never heard another word. So guessing she would have used the cash for a holiday or something. Another write off!

She knows now and has not asked for anything since. I can well afford it, but honestly helping someone to maintain a lifestyle they cannot afford is not on my list of charities!

hellsbellsmelons · 30/08/2018 14:55

but there seems to be a lot of annoyance that the neighbour even has the temerity to ask to borrow money at all
Well yeah!
She asks EVERY WEEK!!!
That is just crap money management.
And she should be embarrassed at keep having to ask.
Of course we all help out once in a while.
The other week someone in front of me at the supermarket was a couple of quid short. I just handed it over. She was mortified bless her, but I just told her to accept it with the good grace it was given and not to worry.
But a neighbour!!! Every friggin' week!!!!
Not OK!

Thebluedog · 30/08/2018 15:02

With situations like this I’d always say yes ‘if’ it was no inconvenience to me. I know that sounds selfish, but if the OP was in the bath, had to drive to the cashpoint to get the money and drop it off, then I’d not do it. If I had the money to hand and the neighbour would pop round for it and always pay me back, then no problem.

In my book, if you want a favour, you make sure that you don’t put the other person out, as much as it’s possible you make it as easy as possible for them.

hellsbellsmelons · 30/08/2018 15:03

had to drive to the cashpoint
Nope - OP doesn't drive.
So a massive inconvenience! #
And the shop with the cashpoint in it shut at 10 and it was 9:45 when the neighbour asked.

mathanxiety · 31/08/2018 06:41

Who leaves it so last minute to get something like that sorted out?

Some people with depression lose track of time very easily, or they become 'foggy' and indecisive. It's possible that she had not realised it was so late. Or she may have been preparing herself mentally for hours to approach you, without taking note of the passage of time.

Alternatively, she may have anxiety and the function of the asking for money is to reassure herself that other people are 'out there' and that they care. It may be a coping mechanism in other words.

Of course it's natural to be annoyed and to wonder if you are being taken for a mug, but all the same, this woman only borrows relatively small amounts and she pays it back (this leads me to suspect the function of the exchange is not just financial need, but that she is managing anxiety and engineering social contact).

charlestonchaplin · 31/08/2018 06:56

I'm sure some therapy appointments are booked in at short notice if a person's mental health is declining but isn't yet at the emergency stage. That could be what happened here. She may have thought she had the money but checked her purse to find she didn't.

It's probably just part of her general disorganised behaviour but what is the great cost to the OP of saying 'no' if it isn't convenient? Why the anger at this woman just for asking?

dmvnqpkejnvejrfnpwdkfjvn · 31/08/2018 07:33

I'd have a chat with her and say you don't feel you're helping her budget by constantly loaning the money and as you're a bit short yourself you can't keep helping her but you're happy to try and work a budget out with her.

emmyrose2000 · 31/08/2018 09:21

This is ridiculous. Neighbour felt it was okay to ask you this as you've set up a situation where she feels she can rely on you as her personal ATM. Use this latest episode as a chance to start afresh by refusing to be her personal bank anymore.

If she's continually caught short then she needs to look into what steps she needs to fix this (budget better, seek out more benefit entitlements, whatever). But that does not include relying on neighbours, especially at 9.45pm at night!

sweethope · 31/08/2018 10:03

I had a neighbour who used to borrow a pound every week (going back years) i never got it back. She'd never ask herself, always sent one of her kids. The kids would also come regular with an empty cup for a "cup of sugar". The strangest request i got was for a toilet roll Grin

Starlight345 · 31/08/2018 13:10

@sweethope that’s over £50 a year and guessing not something you would give away