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AIBU?

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Original poster

What the fuck am I supposed to say to this?!

45 replies

Isitme13 · 29/08/2018 21:13

Stbx (loooong story, but we are divorcing and stuck in the same house. Well, I’m stuck as I have no money (he’s financially controlling), and he’s refusing to move out) is arsing about again.

We have a very long running disagreement about the differences in how he treats the dc (in a nutshell, the girls are always corrected/put down, whereas ds can do no wrong and is the golden child). There are many, many instances of this over the years, but none particularly relevant as a standout situation.

Today, totally out of the blue, he sends me a link to an article and said “perhaps this will help you understand why I spend so much more time with ds. I know you don’t agree with what I do, but it’s important - see attached”

The link is to an article about knife crime amongst black teenagers from disadvantaged backgrounds who grew up with no male role models (ie absent fathers - but truly, properly absent - totally missing, never present at all, not ‘no longer living in the family home, but still involved’).

We are not black, or any other ethnic minority. Nor disadvantaged. ExH is the epitome of white male privelege.

How the hell am I supposed to respond?

“Oh, ok, ExH, now you’ve explained why you massively favour ds, by appropriating experiences which have absolutely no relevance to ds in any way (he’s only 6, we live in leafy surburbia, he has 2 involved parents, the list goes on, and while I am not naive enough to believe that all will be rosy in his future, I really don’t think rampant knife crime is something we could reasonably expect in our sleepy town, or at his bubble of a private school) then yes, I think you are quite right to continue snubbing your daughters in favour of your son”

So far, I have ignored it. But I expect he will bring it up in person at some point...

OP posts:
YearOfYouRemember · 29/08/2018 21:15

Say that

TroubledLichen · 29/08/2018 21:19

Don’t respond. If he asks if you saw it say no because you have filter on that means all e-communication from him goes straight to the junk folder where it belongs.

Good luck with everything. I hope you get out of the house, or bet I yet I hope he gets out of the house soon.

MonaChopsis · 29/08/2018 21:19

Send him a link to an Internet article on 'golden child' dynamics and how much damage they do to all children concerned, including the favoured child.

CSIblonde · 29/08/2018 21:21

He's a point scoring dick. Instead of first 4.5 lines, I'd put one word: Irrelevant. Then puteverything from where you say (he's only 6...

Phillipa12 · 29/08/2018 21:21

Id ignore unless he brings it up, if he does just say that considering the content of said article has absolutely no relevance whatsoever towards your circumstances you just assumed he had attached an incorrect link........but if he would like, you can link him to some fascinating articles about problems arising when a parent favours one child over the others! Twat.

LastOneDancing · 29/08/2018 21:22

I thought your reply above was accurate and to the point.

I do believe he's dragged out a straw man there to justify being a bellend to his daughters.

lowtide · 29/08/2018 21:22

@MonaChopsis
This
But. It’s probably not worth the bother. He will do what he wants regardless

serbska · 29/08/2018 21:24

He’s a twat.

I wouldn’t respond.

Original poster
Isitme13 · 29/08/2018 21:25

He doesn’t accept that he treats ds as the golden child. He would appear to now be willing to admit he spends a disproportionate amount of time with him, but he would dispute anything else.

Sadly, he sent it via WhatsApp so he knows I’ve read his message.

He also wouldn’t listen to/pay attention to anything about girls’ mental health. To do so would veer perilously close to admitting he might be doing something detrimental to his dds. Which will never happen.

OP posts:
Original poster
Isitme13 · 29/08/2018 21:29

X-posts.

Yes, he’s a point scoring dick.

Presumably, he is trying to justify why he is refusing to move out. Because it will immediately propel our 6 year old into a downward spiral that leads him into a life of crime and violence.

And yes, he will do what he wants, regardless. As he has done up until now.

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 29/08/2018 21:37

Have a standard reply 'Your opinions are of no interest to me.' And just post that every time he pesters you with crap. Basically, he's a knob and you're about to get rid of him; just give him as little attention as possible and undermine him with DC wherever necessary - an abusive controlling father is one they should be taught to recognise as foolish and inadequate rather than someone to be afraid of.

CardinalCat · 29/08/2018 21:37

Don't respond. He is controlling you and by responding you are feeding the control. What is the plan/ timescale for getting him out of the house and the divorce finalised? this sounds very hard for you. And I am sure, by extension, for your children.

lowtide · 29/08/2018 21:38

Grey rock

Original poster
Isitme13 · 29/08/2018 21:55

Oh, I’m not planning on actually responding, until he brings it up,in person. And then I’ll probably take a neutral stance.

There isn’t a timescale for getting him out of the house. He is refusing to leave. It’s been well over a year.

It’s shit. But it’s the effects on the dc I’m mostly bothered about. I’ve been through worse (apart from the worries over dc!). His actions are eroding their relationship. He has a fragile relationship with eldest dd, better with next dd, but not good. The only reasonable relationship he has is with ds (the youngest), and that has only really been built up since I mentioned divorce - he’s really ramped up his involvement, separates as much as he can into boys v girls, and is setting ds up for a massive fall when we do end up living separately, as ds’ new ‘normal’ is now hands on involvement from his dad, and ExH will not shy away from putting the blame for the divorce squarely at my feet. I am the driving force behind it, and he will take great pleasure in telling the dc that (they do not know, as yet)

OP posts:
Spanglylycra · 29/08/2018 22:03

I'd send your eloquent reply. Or alternatively reply "Wagwan?"

vampercan · 29/08/2018 22:03

Definitely ignore. But the sad thing is he's admitted it, you have it in writing and I would hold on to it if you ever get into a battle re contact. Your poor DDs.
What are his reasons for not leaving? Is the divorce underway?

EssexMummy123456 · 29/08/2018 22:06

OP - get yourself and your children away from him - before its out of your hands

Original poster
Isitme13 · 29/08/2018 22:10

Divorce is underway. Currently awaiting nisi.

He won’t leave because, err, he won’t leave.

I guess he doesn’t want to walk away from the house. He is intent on telling me it can’t be kept, that we all have to downsize, etc. Whilst also stating he needs a bigger house than I will in the future so that he has permanent bedrooms for his (very) adult dc from first marriage (one of whom lives abroad, so visits are rare; other lives nearish but can count overnight visits over the last 3 years on 2 hands), therefore he thinks he should probably, on reflection, keep this house as therefore continuity for our dc, as well as enough space for him in the future.

So basically, it’s all down to money, and trying to ensure I don’t get any of it.

OP posts:
notangelinajolie · 29/08/2018 22:10

Irrelevant. Don't respond. He's goading you. Not worth a nano second of your time.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 29/08/2018 22:23

I think "I put an extra banana in the banana bread this evening and it's actually made a difference. It hasn't cooked properly and it's all gooey" would suffice.

ClaryFray · 29/08/2018 22:28

Reply that man boys from many walks of live end up in gangs and participate in knife crime. There is no one size fits all, as some one who works with these boys. I've seen them all black with loving families, white with terrible family's, boys with terrible upbringings and boys with golden ones and everything in between. You can't predict or prevent it in some cases, they just do.

lowtide · 29/08/2018 22:28

It sounds unbearable. Do you need to stay there? Can you move away with your children? This is going to be so damaging for them.
Whatever happens he’s not going to be able to keep the house. It will have to be sold one way or another. You’re just extending the pain for all. I mean he is. But you’re the only one that can do something about that.

No kid ever wanted to stay in a house just because neither of their parents could back down. It sounds toxic to an extreme degree.

vampercan · 29/08/2018 22:29

Then he will never, ever leave. Or agree to sell the house in that case. You will have to leave for your own sanity. Happened to me too, btw. I explored every single option possible but in the end, I had to leave with the kids because he just couldn't see how badly it was affecting the DC to live like that. You can't win against someone like that. The only way is to get the hell away.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 29/08/2018 22:31

I would not respond.
If it brings it up in person, acknowledge you received it.
If he pushes you for a response, simply say you don't see relevance to your situation. Disengage as much as you can.

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