What the fuck am I supposed to say to this?!

[Isitme13]

Stbx (loooong story, but we are divorcing and stuck in the same house. Well, I’m stuck as I have no money (he’s financially controlling), and he’s refusing to move out) is arsing about again.

We have a very long running disagreement about the differences in how he treats the dc (in a nutshell, the girls are always corrected/put down, whereas ds can do no wrong and is the golden child). There are many, many instances of this over the years, but none particularly relevant as a standout situation.

Today, totally out of the blue, he sends me a link to an article and said “perhaps this will help you understand why I spend so much more time with ds. I know you don’t agree with what I do, but it’s important - see attached”

The link is to an article about knife crime amongst black teenagers from disadvantaged backgrounds who grew up with no male role models (ie absent fathers - but truly, properly absent - totally missing, never present at all, not ‘no longer living in the family home, but still involved’).

We are not black, or any other ethnic minority. Nor disadvantaged. ExH is the epitome of white male privelege.

How the hell am I supposed to respond?

“Oh, ok, ExH, now you’ve explained why you massively favour ds, by appropriating experiences which have absolutely no relevance to ds in any way (he’s only 6, we live in leafy surburbia, he has 2 involved parents, the list goes on, and while I am not naive enough to believe that all will be rosy in his future, I really don’t think rampant knife crime is something we could reasonably expect in our sleepy town, or at his bubble of a private school) then yes, I think you are quite right to continue snubbing your daughters in favour of your son”

So far, I have ignored it. But I expect he will bring it up in person at some point...

It is hell, and I am exploring all,options for moving out.

I cannot move far (one dc has an EHCP and attends a specialist SN school; I can’t change that school, and it limits moving as live on county border), and really can’t afford anything around here. But I am pursuing rentals, as I know realistically it will have to be us that moves.

My ex would constantly do this to me - send links to articles that I am supposed to learn something from, or have some kind of insight into his behaviour. he also massively split our two children into the golden child and the scapegoat - favouring our son and treating our daughter pretty much how he treated me.

Leaving was the only way to normalise this. Now both kids are great and my daughter refuses to have anything to do with him. I don't blame her one bit.

Can you afford to rent? Is he abusive in other ways? I ask because it took me a long time to actually see that XH was abusive and not just "controlling" (mostly financially). He was controlling to the point that he shut down all available options to me: refused to move out, refused to sell, refused to pay child maintenance, refused to mediate, refused everything basically so that we were stuck, and that IS abuse.

I have some (but not a lot, considering costs involved) savings.

He is controlling, but is, on the face of it, engaging with mediation. The fact is that he goes along, agrees in the meeting, but then backtracks almost immediately and stalls yet again, dragging everything out.

I don’t know how far he would push not paying maintenance - I think he would pay, but at CSA minimum(laughable, given he isn’t a high earner) which would not cover costs. I cannot work due to dc’s disabilities. So we are stuck.

I guess he doesn’t want to walk away from the house.

Nah, he doesn't want to relinquish control.

You've yet to post anything about him that isn't about his quest to feel powerful and wield it over you.

Ergo, not reacting to this bullshit, not caring, not arguing your points will piss him off so much more than any clever riposte you might have - because your indifference renders his power play impotent.

That's the only way you "win" with abusive men - not by reason, but removing their source of power and control. If you don't care what they do, don't engage or react or try to reason anymore, then they have no control over you. (Even if internally it pisses you off, they don't get the buzz of seeing it has.)

Tbh, I'd take control of the situation and tell the DC myself about the divorce etc. Then they get the truth, from you, and he can't hold it over you anymore or hurt them by telling them lies. It also gives you the opportunity to model how they should treat other people and expect to be treated, and reinforce to them that it's not their fault, and that how he treats them is not their fault - which is how they will understand it if you don't tell them that. It's just how kids understand the world.

Sure, it'll hardly be a fun conversation, but surely lightyears better than having to pick up the pieces after he tells them lies to hurt them, and by extension, you.

Secrets won't protect them; they'll already be aware of far more than you think.

Ignore.

If he mentions it, my preferences in order would be:

1. Ignore the mention, selective deafness, walk off, talk about banana bread, whatever, or

1. Say "I didn't read it.", or

1. Say "I am glad you are finally trying to get to the root of why you treat them unfairly. Good for you."

I agree on getting ahead and telling the children now. I bet they already suspect anyway.

Controlling is abusive. Pretending to be on board with mediation but then using it to control you is abusive.

Neglecting his daughters and favouring his son in front of them is abusive. It's abhorrent, not misguided, or a "good but imperfect dad". No loving parent would do that to their children.

He is abusive.

If you haven't already, I'd really recommend the Freedom Programme to help you navigate his bullshit. Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

The mediation tactic: classic abusive manipulation. Appearing reasonable on the surface, but in reality, far from it. How many sessions and how much money do you have to spend to resolve anything....? The fact is you cannot mediate with someone like that. With my ex we didn't even get to mediation but rather than actually refusing it, he cleverly stalled and made excuses, kept saying he was considering his options (i.e. nothing).
So you have a solicitor? Or just mediator? What do they advise you? Surely an experienced mediator can see through him...
I just think for your sake you need to just go. You will crack up living like this. Leaving is hard but it opens your eyes like nothing else.

I do know how awful his behaviour is.

It is difficult re: dc knowing. Eldest is severely autistic. It isn’t possible to tell her that her whole life will change, without there actually being a concrete plan as to how it will change. Hence the dc’s not knowing.

I am attempting to move out, but everything has ground to a halt over the summer, because I couldn’t easily house hunt while the dc are around, because they don’t know anything yet. I did manage to see 2properties, one unsuitable, the second taken by the person ahead of me in the queue. I will redouble efforts once the dc are back at school.

I am well and truly over a barrel, and ExH knows it - it is even something he has thrown at me during rows earlier in our marriage: that I would be no better off if I did leave. Whilst this is true, in terms of his help with the dc, we will all be infinitely better off when not loving with him, of this I have no doubt at all.

One option is to go to the council and declare yourself homeless and they have to house you. It is extremely hard to rent if you're not working. I went for the more extreme option of going to a refuge. This was an option I was given before I actually left when I was figuring out what to do. I wasn't working either and I couldn't rent. It was either that or get an occupation order served on him so that he has to leave the house. It's bloody hard when you are against someone like that. None of the immediate options are great, but you can rebuild your life after and make it better, which you will.

With a DC with a disability you could be rehoused very quickly as you will be higher up the list.

You would be a thousand times better off out. I know it would be hard. But I don’t see you have any other option.
Just think of it as short term. Wherever you are living it will be short term.
I really cannot see how you can survive in this current situation. You know he will control you this way forever.

Also if you’re leaving an abusive situation you will get a lot more help from the council.

I am exploring occupation order with my solicitor. Again, haven’t really been able to communicate over the summer, but have an appt once the dc’s are back at school.

A refuge isn’t really a possibility - eldest dc would not cope at all, and the other two (also ASD, but higher functioning) would also struggle.

Life will be better - eventually!

The problem with occupation orders is they only last six months - a year. It's not long enough to sort anything out really, it just stalls things. But then again I didn't do this so don't know how effective it can be.
Have you called Women's Aid? They are amazing, and gave me tremendous support. Also, have a chat with Shelter about housing options.

🌷🍷🍫🍹....do help yourself!

I happen to have a large, roughly 7ft x 3ft, hole in my garden which will be paved over. I’m at a loss as how to fill it....

What a cuntbadger. I hope you can resolve the house issue soon.

As for the link 🤣😁🤣😁. I’d just ask him if he’s read it, because it’s about black boys raised in poverty, not white boys raised in privledge...

Fuck muppet.

I’m in a similar situation. Although my DP is pretty easy to live with, but under the surface... all his family hate me, ignore me. We are not married but of course he hasn’t put my name in the mortgage.

We have a child with disabilities and I had to give up work. He said he’d never make me leave the house and yet refuses to leave although he promised he would. Stalls mediation. Gives me very little access to money even though to others he’s made out I take all the holidays etc...

We’ve got to start rebuilding our lives somehow. Have you a plan?

@vampercan you seem to have very good advice.

I know you aren’t homeless, but shelter are very good for housing advice in general and should understand the dynamics in an emotionally and financially abusive relationship. Your child is already in a special school, the ehcp can’t be changed because you move but do bear in mind what the local authority will provide for travel. They cannot take your child out of that school because you move area. Speak to IPSEA or your local independent supporters or SENDIASS if you need advice:

councilfordisabledchildren.org.uk/independent-support/where-find-my-independent-support-provider-until-31-july-2018

councilfordisabledchildren.org.uk/our-work/implementing-send-reforms

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