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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be miffed at my DH for saying this

43 replies

macondo · 29/08/2018 21:00

My DH and I were having a conversation about divorce....the reason it came up was that a couple we know are getting divorced. We’ve also made wills recently and I was asking about what would happen to them in the event that we split.

Anyway in the course of this conversation, my DH said to me “oh you wouldn’t cope if we split up...” he was laughing when he said it but he insisted, when pressed that he didn’t think I’d cope.

Let me preface this by saying we live in my house that I bought in my mid 20s (he owns a property that he rents out) , I’m university educated with a good job and have always worked full time and contributed equally to the house. I’ve also looked after our DC single handedly while working while DH worked away for a period of time to further his career.

I’m bloody seething inside. Yes my DH does things about the house - washing, cleaning etc and is good with the kids but now I know he thinks I need him. I don’t know why I’m so angry about this. It’s like he thinks I’m weak when I’m far from it?

I told him in no uncertain terms that if he were to leave I’d cope and reminded him of the above.

Aibu to want to be so angry?

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 29/08/2018 21:02

I'd be furious, the patronising fucker! Who does he think he is?

ScottChegg · 29/08/2018 21:07

Is he trying to goad you into proving him wrong?!

YANBU. It's pretty much akin to him saying he considers you pathetic and incapable!

Original poster
macondo · 29/08/2018 21:10

The thing is that we are pretty much equal earners and I’ve always worked full time. I’ve lived abroad before I met him. I’m bloody furious as I’m far from pathetic and incapable.

OP posts:
AnEPleaseBob · 29/08/2018 21:13

Is it so odd that people imagine themselves somehow necessary to their spouse? My spouse and I could obviously cope alone but we both fondly imagine that each would be lost without the other. I think thats normal in a loving relationship.

ScottChegg · 29/08/2018 21:13

You sound far from pathetic and incapable! Did you ask him what on earth led him to that conclusion?

ScottChegg · 29/08/2018 21:15

My DH imagines that he would be lost without me but as I always tell him, you lived almost thirty years without me so I think you'd manage!

hidinginthenightgarden · 29/08/2018 21:18

I would cope just fine if DH left. Yes he is better at some things that me but they aren't things that are essential to survival - he does diy and money management, bins etc.
If I left he would struggle with the kids, DD especially. Things like putting knickers on her and brushing her hair he always forgets. Always asks me what to feed them and never thinks about meals in advance. He is fully aware that we work best as a team.
IF DH said I couldn't live without him I would ask him f he wanted a trial run!

Holidayshopping · 29/08/2018 21:19

I would be really cross as well!

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 29/08/2018 21:21

I don't believe him. It's probably the opposite of what he really thinks going off how you've described yourself and your achievements.

Onlyjoinedforthisthread · 29/08/2018 21:23

Tell him there are a lot of indispensable people in the grave yard and the world goes on

Talith · 29/08/2018 21:23

Of course you'd cope. I'd be pissed off too. Perhaps say "Try me" Grin

Butterymuffin · 29/08/2018 21:24

I'd be very cross about that too.

Fireworks91 · 29/08/2018 21:25

I'd be really cross too. I don't work so am financially dependent on him but even then, we both know that either of us would be fine without the other. We are together because we want to be, not because we need to be!

MikeUniformMike · 29/08/2018 21:31

Yabu. What he said and what he meant are two different things. He said it as a joke but what he meant was that he wouldn't be able to cope without you.
Hwbu too.

Etino · 29/08/2018 21:33

You’re so manifestly competent, surely he means emotionally? That you love him so much...
Although I don’t know whether that’s better than suggesting you wouldn’t cope with the practicalities

Theresnodisneyending · 29/08/2018 21:34

Jesus, patronising much?

MajesticWhine · 29/08/2018 21:35

I think he was just trying to reassure himself of how important he is to you because perhaps a part of him doubts this. But YANBU.

PolkaDoting · 29/08/2018 21:36

I think you’re angry because it’s like he doesn’t know you.

Original poster
macondo · 29/08/2018 21:37

Btw I don’t bang on about any achievements 😂 however when he said it I nearly hit the bloody roof.

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 29/08/2018 21:37

Does he mean practically? Or emotionally?

museumum · 29/08/2018 21:37

I don’t “need” my dh. I want him around. He knows that.
When we first met he was a bit funny about not being “needed” but I think he came to believe as I do that it’s better to be wanted than needed.

Crinkle77 · 29/08/2018 21:38

Goog God how does something that started off as a joke turn in to a big barny.

OutPinked · 29/08/2018 21:39

My DP has joked about me not coping without him before too. It’s funny because we both know it’s actually the other way around Wink. I just take it as the joke it was clearly intended to be...

lottiegarbanzo · 29/08/2018 21:39

Or he could be projecting - saying that he wouldn't cope but not feeling able to say that, so making it a 'fact' by attaching it to you.

Or, he's a pompous fool of course.

Original poster
macondo · 29/08/2018 21:40

@Crinkle77

Because it transpired that he was not joking.

Have you heard the phrase, “ half in fun, while in earnest”?

OP posts: