To feel about 2cms tall?

[Stuckinsilence]

Last week was a special anniversary for DH and I. We had gone away for a few days and had a nice time. I had bought DH a special present (nothing expensive but special nonetheless and something he liked). He hadn't bought me anything, not even a card, but we had been away for a couple of nights so I was happy even so. On the way home, he appeared agitated and asked where I had bought his present from, and then said 'so I paid for it then'. I said no, I paid for it and would transfer the money later. I told him to stop being so spiteful and he apologised.

A few months ago for father's day i surprised him with a day out and took all his family out for dinner. It took so much effort to organise and keep it a surprise. All he could say on the way home was, when asked if he had enjoyed himself, 'yeah but I paid for it'. I told him no, I had worked a couple of days in my parents family business to pay for it. Again he apologised.

Last month i bought car insurance on our joint credit card. He was furious and said how dare I buy it without asking him. I told him i buy it every year and there's not a problem, how else did he think i was going to pay for it? He carried on and on until i said i was phoning my mum to loan me the money to give back to him. He all of sudden changed his tune and said to forget about it.

AIBU to feel about 2cm tall? I feel small and silly when he makes these comments. I feel like nothing and so embarrassed.

FWIW, I am a sahm to our three children (two with sn), do everything around the house and 99% of childcare. He would never make these comments in front of anyone else because he knows that they'd be appalled - it's only in private.

The thing is that I would love to work but I realise that DC with sn need the stability of me being at home.

I also need to discuss with him overspending on credit cards but I daren't suggest a budget of any kind because I know he will say that if we don't have enough money then I should get a job. Which isn't true - we have enough money, it's just that he spends all of it.

It's also the secrecy about the way he talks to me. He would never ever speak to me like that in front of other people. I feel like screaming sometimes for somebody just to notice the way he behaves.

Is this a relatively recent development? It sounds like the last few months. This would make me wonder if either he is stressed about money/work and is keeping something from you to do with finances or he is considering leaving the marriage and is worried about his financial contributions to the family post divorce.

Record the bugger on your n phone and play at family gathering

I don’t see this ending happily.

Get a job, and also very very quietly get a copy of all the paperwork (payslips etc) as unfortunately I think you’re going to need them.

You’re a good person, your husband is a small man who is being awful to the mother of his children!

Divorce the abusive cunt and then it definitely won't be 'his' money. Agree with PP who said this could indicate financial difficulty

Look, he's just a cunt. I bet the financial abuse is just the tip of the iceberg, and there's lots more you haven't told us about.

These men don't change, and you would be better off on your own. I doubt he'll pay any maintenance, or have the children at weekends, so it'll be hard, but he really isn't worth your love and thoughtfulness. If you leave him, you'll look back and wonder why you stayed with him for so long.
Lots of us have been through this, but we left, and came out the other side and live much better lives without these bastards.

You can too. Contact Women's Aid, it's not just for women suffering from violence, but any kind of abuse.

There is definitely no financial difficulty. I have visibility of all the accounts and we have savings. He tried to take visibility away from me at one point but I really kicked up a stink over that and he has never mentioned it again.

You need to kick up more stinks.

It would appear that when you stand up to him he shrinks a little bit and backs down.

What a miserable existence for you. Can you sit him down and say this current set up is not working for you and try and sort out something else?

My dh is the breadwinner in my house and wouldn’t dream of speaking to me in the way you’ve described. If money is tight he gives me a gentle heads up and we both rein in the spending.

This isn’t a normal or acceptable partnership you are describing. Good luck.

If you would love to work, you should do. You can share the childcare. There is no "instability" about it. Plenty of mums work! I don't think this is anything wrong with being a SAHM but it doesn't sound like it is working for your family.

Big conversations need to happen, this sounds awful OP. First, I would establish my value - ‘it’s important for our families needs that I am a sahp, and this is likely to be necessary for x years. I would like to work. To provide the care i give would cost £x. Or require you to be a sahp/go part time. I propose i continue to be a sahp. However I am unhappy with how our finances work, and it seems like you are too. At the moment you put in x work which results in y salary. Meanwhile i put in z work which results in a saving on childcare. I work equally hard for this family and i deserve an equal say in finacial decisions, it is our money, not your money. I suggest that we agree a broad budget, and either of us can make decisions within that agreed budget, but for big things or going over budget we will discuss first. And we should have an equal but small amount of personal spending money per month to do with as we please no questions asked.’ Listen to his concerns. And bring up the question of how finances should work when with friends and family!

Have you spoken to your family about this? You should.

Unless you have your own income you are trapped. I would leave my DH if he treated me like that. He is controlling you and leaving you no options.

If it isn't too outing, how old are the DCs? Are they in school? What do their sns affect (learning, behaviour, emotions, senses, physical capability)?

What was your pre-children job? Do you still live near to your old employer?

The thing is,. I completely get that the IDEAL is for you to be at home for them, attuned to their specific needs and meeting them, with the support of an OH.

However, you don't have the support of an OH, and if you carry on being financially and verbally abused then you may not be in the best place to meet the needs of your children either.

So you need a Plan B - a 'not so ideal but not terrible' plan. For example, if your children with sns are, or are nearing, school age, then you could consider a school hours job, or even volunteering / experience that moves you towards a job, within school time. Or you can identify an employer where you could work part time but where a certain amount of OH stepping up would be required. (Good news, I've got myself a 2 day a week job at X. I would just need you to drop the children at school on those mornings, though .. or I can work on Saturdays and Sunday mornings, but you would need to look after the DCs).

It may not prevent a final separation, but it would put you in a much better position if one should come about.

Motorola - I am far too embarrassed. Mainly of myself, that I'm not brave enough to walk away.

You’ve sfa to be embarrassed about, I promise you. You’ve done nothing wrong here. He should be embarrassed- and he clearly knows it since he only treats you like this behind closed doors. I hope he’s got a giant cock cos he doesn’t sound like he has much else going for him.

The thing is that I get carers allowance to look after the DC with sn, so it isn't as if I don't bring any money in.

Mean with money, mean with love. And shit in the sack.

No exceptions, ever, not one.

What an absolute arsehole!

Sod that for a life!

You can discuss a budget. If you go through income and outgoings that will show you have what you need if you stay within budget.
What is he spending his money on?

It is awful that he is treating himself whilst quibbling over shoes for his kids.
Are your family close by?. Could they help withe kids if you worked? Is it worth looking at the problems that separating would cause and possible solutions?

Not the best argument.

How about you are bringing up his kids and keeping his house in order and you aren’t a slave in the 1800s? This sounds like a weird and unhappy marriage the more you describe it.

You say you are too embarrassed to talk to your family . But from what you have said it is possible they already have suspicions of things not being right. Maybe they are waiting for you to come to them about it?

How would he react if you mentioned it 'casually' In public conversation I.e. "oh I'm not sure what we're doing for xmas yet. I've really been able to sort anything as I'm not allowed to spend more than £40 without permission now..."

I think you should talk to people in real life (you have NOTHING to be ashamed of, he does!), get copies of accounts, get advice from a solicitor, and if he cannot change on this, LTB. It's financial abuse and it is a terrible message for your DC -- they aren't worth new shoes when they need them but he gets designer sunglasses? Your effort and contribution aren't those of an equal partner with an equal say? Not a message you want for yourself or for your DC.

YABVU to feel 2cms tall.
YWNBU at all! to be reconsidering whether you want to be with this tight prick any more.

I felt like saying 'you bought designer sunglasses last week - couldn't you have bought those for £5 from primark?' ....but i didn't.

Why on earth not??

The only thing I would say is that if buying a present for DP, I always do that on my own card/out of my own account, rather than on the joint one and then transfer the money. It just feels odd buying him his present with his own money. But the other stuff, like organising a special day for him, is fine. Regardless, the way he's been speaking to you and making you feel guilty for spending family money is utterly unacceptable. He needs a huge wake up call, and you need to woman up and give it to him.