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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what would happen if...

37 replies

FeelingDodgy · 29/08/2018 14:07

I have name changed for this as I’m a regular poster but I need views from those who may know.

In short, I have been feeling very down of late. Some days brighter than others. Some days I feel sick a lot some I’m knackered all day or in pain and some days I’m ‘normal’. On my days when I’m feeling very low, I won’t lie, but I feel like I want to die, disappear or be gone. I hate myself those days. Today is a good day bar feeling sick and to write about the bad days sounds so stupid but on a bad day I feel awful, low, disgusting and like I want to be gone. My GP tells me I have a Vit D and folic acid deficiency and I have meds for that but nothing else. I have worked through my bad days for well over a year because I don’t want to tell anyone. We were on holiday recently and I had a block of bad days and found myself looking on google about dieing and it’s affect on others, how to dissapear etc etc.

So my question is, if I were to go to my GP about these ‘issues’, would I then have SS on my back or a MH team? I don’t want people checking up on me or having my kids safety put in to question because they’re completely safe and it’s not about me hurting them, just me myself and I, but I do hate it when I’m on a bad day and I have no idea what to do.

Thankyou.

OP posts:
stillnotTheDoctor · 29/08/2018 14:09

No. Unless you were threatening to hurt the kids there would be no reason to involve ss. Plenty of mums on antidepressants, no ss involved xx

stillnotTheDoctor · 29/08/2018 14:10

And sorry you're feeling like this. It's tough. Can you try and get outside a little bit each day?xx

Original poster
FeelingDodgy · 29/08/2018 14:13

Thankyou @stillnotTheDoctor. I do try to but some days I just have no energy and feel so grim I just stay put. I’ve become quite reclusive I think so I tend to avoid going out unless I’m feeling normal or it’s completely necessary.

OP posts:
stillnotTheDoctor · 29/08/2018 14:14

I think they'd rather you ask for help. How old are your kids?

Original poster
FeelingDodgy · 29/08/2018 14:15

Eldest is 12, youngest nearly 4.

OP posts:
Pandamodium · 29/08/2018 14:21

I have bi-polar, I have been on every medication known to man and at my worst felt suicidal. My GP and psychiatrists have never questioned my children's safety and no SS involvement.

There is medication/counselling that could really help you available, my GP has always said she would rather I ask for help then not and risk spiralling completely.

stillnotTheDoctor · 29/08/2018 14:23

I always struggle in the school holidays. By this point I feel soooooo trapped and isolated.

Original poster
FeelingDodgy · 29/08/2018 14:29

@stillnotTheDoctor

I hate the holidays. Not so much having the kids around but more the lack of routine and feeling like I have a purpose.

OP posts:
stillnotTheDoctor · 29/08/2018 14:31

I know exactly where you're coming from. You may find your mood lifts a little when they're back? But don't be scared to see your Gp. Tho I've frequently told mine I'm suicidal and they don't do much. 😢

stillnotTheDoctor · 29/08/2018 14:31

But I'm not suicidal all the time so I think it doesn't count? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Original poster
FeelingDodgy · 29/08/2018 14:32

@Pandamodium

That’s good to know. It’s a big concern as we had ss involvement a few years back for an issue school raised between husband and son, and I think theyd reappear if I were to go to my GP with my issues.

OP posts:
Original poster
FeelingDodgy · 29/08/2018 14:35

@stillnotTheDoctor

I hope it does lift. It’s horrible feeling that way though isn’t it.

OP posts:
stillnotTheDoctor · 29/08/2018 14:36

No. I've had ss involved for other reasons and my mh has NEVER been flagged to them by the Gp.

Original poster
FeelingDodgy · 29/08/2018 14:46

@stillnotTheDoctor

That’s good to know. I think I’ll see how things go when they go back next week then go from there. As I say, talking about it on a ‘nornal’ day like today, it all sounds so stupid and crazy but when it’s happening it’s not at all.

OP posts:
stillnotTheDoctor · 29/08/2018 14:50

Seems so melodramatic doesn't it?!

Original poster
FeelingDodgy · 29/08/2018 14:53

@stillnotTheDoctor

Yes 😔

OP posts:
Pandamodium · 30/08/2018 09:10

There's light at the end of the tunnel @FeelingDodgy honestly.

My sister had "normal" (meaning no psychosis, mania etc not that it's ever really normal) depression, she started sertraline whilst pregnant and again no involvement or reports.

She is so much happier and better in herself since starting medication.

lemon8de · 30/08/2018 09:14

Be really careful what you tell your GP as if you want to get life insurance etc, things like this can affect your premium and what insurances can be offered as they will be disclosed to insurance companies.

Whereisthecoffee · 30/08/2018 09:41

Seeking help for mental health trumps considering life insurance. Be honest with your g.p. I’m on anti depressants I’ve told my health visitor too no as involvement.

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 30/08/2018 09:46

I’m really sorry you’re feeling so low. It sounds like depression, on your low days how are things like personal hygiene, self care like eating well and getting out of bed? Are you able to complete every day tasks like washing or cleaning etc or do they feel overwhelming? I have depression and BPD and on my bad days something like cleaning my teeth or putting a load of washing on can feel impossible. Definitely see your gp and seek some help, don’t worry about any ss involvement. Seeking help is proof that you are a good mum.

Hope things start to get better soon Flowers

Original poster
FeelingDodgy · 01/09/2018 19:56

@Wellfuckmeinbothears

On low days personal hygiene is fine, I don’t let that slip. I much prefer to go about my day having clean teeth, washed, hairbrushed etc. I dont eat well typically but do find myself over indulging on low days on sugary stuff for the sweet fix. Getting out of bed I do because I have to, with kids around I have to. They’d suffer otherwise. But chores I can’t contemplate on a low day, they do not get done and then my husband moans at me and calls me a lazy bitch. One thing I do do (well, on school days anyway) is the school runs. That’s a job I love doing. It makes me feel I have purpose. I’ve missed it.

These past few days have been good; I saw my best friend yesterday, she took me out and we’ve chatted a lot recently. All good and positive. She has no idea about this though but it was lovely to have time with her and it helped me a lot.

Thanks for all replies.

OP posts:
Wellfuckmeinbothears · 02/09/2018 13:10

That’s great that you do and enjoy the school run, I know what you mean about it giving you a purpose. My dd is 15 now and would rather die than have me walk her to school! But I remember it gave me routine in my day and that helped. I find chores really difficult to do on low days, to help me I put on an episode of a box set (currently boardwalk empire) and in each ad break I do a chore like hoovering, washing up, put a wash on etc and I find that really motivates me as the sooner I complete each task the sooner I get to watch my programme!

Your husband sounds rather mean? My dh would never call me a name as he understands how much I struggle. I’m having a low day today and instead of calling me names he said he’d make me a coffee and breakfast if I got up and dressed. He knows on a low day I need him to be supportive and help motivate me. Does your dh often call you names? Has he tried to listen and understand how you’re feeling?

I’m really sorry you’re feeling down Flowers

Original poster
FeelingDodgy · 02/09/2018 19:50

@Wellfuckmeinbothears

My husband isn’t very sympathetic. Let’s just put it that way. The only way he really realises that I might be ill is if I’m pale or being sick; an actual physical thing to see. Don’t get me wrong, he’s taken over the cooking this weekend which has been great as I overdid it these past few days. His reference to best by a lazy bitch was when I’d not loaded the dishwasher and he’d had a stressful day and it wasn’t as tidy he’d like. I don’t like to dwell on it too much as it brings me down but that particular day I was due to work the evening and after I’d left he’d been cursing me (or so my son told me) but I didn’t discuss it further with my husband.

In all honesty I haven’t told him how I turkey feel at times. He knows when I’m “off” because I tend to withdraw and keep myself to myself but he doesn’t know what goes on in my head.

I’ve battled it the last couple of days to be ‘normal’, last night I had a blip as something happened and it bought me down, a trivial thing but something that made me upset but also something I couldn’t mention now as he’d not understand and tell me I was unreasonable about.

Anyway sorry to hear today has been low for you. It’s great your husband is as supportive as he is and can get you in to gear 🙂

OP posts:
Original poster
FeelingDodgy · 02/09/2018 19:52

Turkey feel lol!!! That should say truely feel!!!!

OP posts:
Wellfuckmeinbothears · 02/09/2018 20:02

That’s ok, you inspired me to get off my bum and make a turkey sandwich! Today has been a low/bad day but that’s ok. Tomorrow is another day.

What happened last night? Please feel free to pm me if you don’t feel comfortable saying on this thread or you don’t have to say at all, but I’m sorry that you’re having to put on a show of appearing to be”normal” (whatever that may be!). I’m very lucky to have my dh, I really feel for you having to live with someone who you can’t talk to. It’s really ok to not be ok, and your dh shouldn’t be bad mouthing you to your son. I’m glad you have your best friend to talk to, are you able to be upfront with them?

Do you think when the summer holidays are over getting back into the school run/routine will help?