To expect DP to do more?

[EnhancedBeauty]

NC as some details are outing.

I know this thread topic has been done to death but DP thinks IABU and I think IANBU so I want to put the question to the masses and show him the results.

So. Circumstances. No DC yet. I work 8-5 Mon-Fri office job so not physical but requires a lot of problem solving and brain work. DP works 7pm to 1am Sun-Thurs. Physical job but not one that requires much thinking. Typically he get home at 1.30am and is in bed by 2.30am. Normally gets up somewhere between 9am and 10am. Sometimes earlier, sometimes later. This means he has 8hrs during the day in which to do as he pleases. My issue is that he does just that, exactly as he pleases, and not much else.

What he does: all the food shopping (he likes to take a walk up to the shops once a day, sometimes he goes twice a day. There is really no need for him to do this, he says he just likes to "get out the house") and he cooks dinner Mon-Thurs due to our awkward working times (Dinner is typically a meat-and-two-veg affair, not lavish complicated meals).

What I do: Pretty much everything else.

I'll use yesterday as an example of our typical days.

Me: work 8-5, come home, have dinner with DP before he goes to work, stack dishwasher, wipe down kitchen, walk the dog for about an hour and a half, home, quick clean round the house, put a load of clean laundry away, put another load in the machine, empty dishwasher, make my lunch for tomorrow, shower, bed.

DP: Woke up 9am, had 3 cups of coffee, took a walk up to the shops (10 min walk away), watched YouTube videos, had lunch (I came home for lunch yesterday so chatted to me for an hour or so), more YouTube videos, had a bath, made dinner, went to work.

AIBU in expecting him to do more during the day? I'm not expecting him to do chores for the entire time but I at least want him to do something. He does tidy up after himself so the housework isn't really an issue (I do a big clean of the house on Sundays and force him to participate) but he could take the dog out for an hour or do some weeding/cut the grass.. just anything that doesn't involve drinking coffee and being glued to his Fire tablet.

I'll be showing him this thread once I'm home so AIBU or is he?

During the summer dogs should be walked either late evening or early morning so at the minute he can't really help out there. YANBU to want him to do something though. There is absolutely no reason why he couldn't do the washing and ironing for example during the day and for most of the year he could mow the lawn and other gardening (although for much of the past couple of months it has been too hot to do non-essential outside jobs during the middle of the day).

Of course he should be doing more. PLEASE don't have kids with this man.

Thanks user It's been almost 4 months since he stopped walking the dog during the day and we live in Scotland so the heatwave hasn't impacted on us much. It was only 15 degrees here yesterday

Stack dishwasher? Can't he put his own dishes in it?!
Do you get equal down time?

He's gradually doing less and less, conditioning you because in reality he thinks he should do the minimum or even less. Don't stand for it.

Definitely don't have kids with him. It'll be miserable. He's a lazy selfish twat.

Wolfiefan Sometimes he will do the dishwasher after dinner but 9 times out of 10 it's me.

No it's not equal. DP says it is because "I'm at home during the evenings while he's working" but I can't remember the last time I used that time to sit and watch tv. My downtime is reading my book in bed for 15 minutes before sleep. I do make time for a relaxing bath on Sunday evenings.

He needs to take the dog out for a proper walk every morning for a start.

Washing would also be a good one, seeing as he's around in the daytime to keep an eye on it in case it rains. Maybe you put a load on, he hangs it out and keeps an eye on it and you bring it in in the evening.

If you're doing the kitchen cleaning, he can do the bathroom and vacuum once or twice a week. Taking the dog out and doing one other thing (eg vacuum, bathroom, washing out) every day would make a huge difference to the balance of the workload, and the aim should be that nothing needs doing at the weekend, so you can spend Sundays doing something more interesting than cleaning.

You work until 5pm but only get 15 minutes to yourself before bed? Something is taking way longer than it should. What on earth is taking so long?!

He's showing you who he is. He thinks this is your job. He's home during the day, but well, he's a man so he's exempt. Don't stand for this shit and don't have kids with him.

Why does he think YABU asking him to do an equal share of tasks in the house?? What are his reasons? From what you've said I can't think of any?

How much housework do two adults generate?

Other than the dog walking, it doesn't seem so unequal - he food shops, cooks during the week, tidies up after himself and participates in the weekly clean?

I guess the question should be "what else would you like him to do?"

RedSkyLastNight

This is exactly the argument. We don't generate a lot of housework. I'm not particularly bothered about that side of things. I want him to walk the dog during the week and do more in the garden. It looks equal on paper but it feels very uneven.

Don't do it for him. Do your mess only. Walk dog every other day and give him lead so he can walk dog on other days.

tinytemper66 I've suggested we compromise with every other day but he just doesn't do it. When I ask why he hasn't taken the dog out he says "because you took him out last night". The poor animal needs walked daily!!

I've told him things need to change. Today he was moaning about all the things we need to do around the house (new fascias and guttering, new boiler etc) but when pushed he claims he "doesn't have time" to phone around for quotes. When I asked him what he had planned for the rest of the afternoon.. "Well I might go for a bath".

Don't dogs need walking twice a day?

I'd suggest that he takes the dog when he's running back and forwards to the shops, but that probably won't work because he can't take the dog in the shop and there's probably nowhere safe to leave him outside.

Multiple trips to the shops are usually incredibly inefficient. Are these shops decent cheap shops with a good range, or is he paying over the odds because it's a Co=op or local shop? Does food get wasted because he's buying too much, or is he a rare person who can just get exactly what he needs for the evening meal?

His wish to 'get out of the house' is understandable, but might it be better if he limited his shop runs to a couple of times a week max and used the time saved on other days to take the dog out for a proper walk each morning?

What I've learnt this week about getting quotes (we're looking for driveway surfacing) is that you can fill in forms on websites and they ring you up during the day to arrange to come to do quotes, and they generally want to come round early evening, on the way home from other jobs.

Fill in a few online forms with his details, they'll ring him while he's pottering around at home and then come round at a time when you're possibly both at home, generally between about 4 and 6.

Maybe agree this as a plan with him?

BarbaraofSevillle
His wish to 'get out of the house' is understandable, but might it be better if he limited his shop runs to a couple of times a week max and used the time saved on other days to take the dog out for a proper walk each morning?
YES YES YES! I've said this to him. If he didn't spend so much time traipsing back and forth to the shop (Aldi) he would have time to walk the dog. I just get a blank stare.

He doesn't overshop or waste money/food.

BarbaraofSevillle Insert typical MN comment about mental load here I think I will just have to do that. It's the only way things will get done otherwise. His best friend is a Quantity Surveyor and has loads of contacts for the jobs we need. He has offered to send some round but DP "hasn't had time" to phone/text him. He is a procrastinator of the highest order!

Do not have kids with him. If he can't be bothered to take the dog for a walk when he's at home all day as he views it your job he would be equally as useless caring for a baby.

No it's not equal. DP says it is because "I'm at home during the evenings while he's working"

But you could say-you’re at home during the day whilst I’m working!!

Write down all the tasks that need doing and divvy them up together.

TBH if he wont change, I'd leave him. My DP works shifts and I used to get frustrated that he didnt do more round the house, he did always walk the dog though.
DP does do more now but thats because we sat down and talked about it and he realised how much more housework etc I was doing than him. I might have stopped doing all the housework for a couple of days too!
Now we have a good partnership, I probably still do more day to day but I also know that if I've had a long day/week, DP will do everything and make me cups of tea while I relax!

Poor dog! Your partner is a lazy so-and-so.

Holidayshopping I do say that to him! Every single time!

Bluebell9 This is the plan going forward. I don't think he realises how much I actually do. I don't think he would notice or care if I stopped doing it though!