To expect DP to do more?

[EnhancedBeauty]

NC as some details are outing.

I know this thread topic has been done to death but DP thinks IABU and I think IANBU so I want to put the question to the masses and show him the results.

So. Circumstances. No DC yet. I work 8-5 Mon-Fri office job so not physical but requires a lot of problem solving and brain work. DP works 7pm to 1am Sun-Thurs. Physical job but not one that requires much thinking. Typically he get home at 1.30am and is in bed by 2.30am. Normally gets up somewhere between 9am and 10am. Sometimes earlier, sometimes later. This means he has 8hrs during the day in which to do as he pleases. My issue is that he does just that, exactly as he pleases, and not much else.

What he does: all the food shopping (he likes to take a walk up to the shops once a day, sometimes he goes twice a day. There is really no need for him to do this, he says he just likes to "get out the house") and he cooks dinner Mon-Thurs due to our awkward working times (Dinner is typically a meat-and-two-veg affair, not lavish complicated meals).

What I do: Pretty much everything else.

I'll use yesterday as an example of our typical days.

Me: work 8-5, come home, have dinner with DP before he goes to work, stack dishwasher, wipe down kitchen, walk the dog for about an hour and a half, home, quick clean round the house, put a load of clean laundry away, put another load in the machine, empty dishwasher, make my lunch for tomorrow, shower, bed.

DP: Woke up 9am, had 3 cups of coffee, took a walk up to the shops (10 min walk away), watched YouTube videos, had lunch (I came home for lunch yesterday so chatted to me for an hour or so), more YouTube videos, had a bath, made dinner, went to work.

AIBU in expecting him to do more during the day? I'm not expecting him to do chores for the entire time but I at least want him to do something. He does tidy up after himself so the housework isn't really an issue (I do a big clean of the house on Sundays and force him to participate) but he could take the dog out for an hour or do some weeding/cut the grass.. just anything that doesn't involve drinking coffee and being glued to his Fire tablet.

I'll be showing him this thread once I'm home so AIBU or is he?

Ok just walk the dog and all the other jobs in the house you leave!

This is the plan going forward. I don't think he realises how much I actually do. I don't think he would notice or care if I stopped doing it though!

You know what, that's really no way to go through life. Imagine the rest of you life, with a lazy slattern, who has only got worse so will get worse still, who doesn't give a shit and is happy to live in a shit tip rather than bother his idle arse to pull his weight in life. Honestly, fuck that. Why settle for that? Don't you think you're worth more?

LeftRightCentre You're absolutely right. Life is too short.
I'll be having a chat with him tonight.

Honestly, just tell him you are unwilling to live with someone who's not interested in being a full partner in the lifework and be a team. But you have to mean it and make plans to walk if he doesn't step up because otherwise he'll know you're just talking a talk.

He's a lazy git. Yeah, don't have kids, he can't even be arsed to look after his dog.

The dog should be walked twice a day, so he should do the morning walk, and you do the evening walk. If he's so desperate to get out of the house, walking the dog is a no brainer, but even that seems to have by-passed his brain (does he have one?).

What does he bring to this relationship, other than a warm body (and that's something the dog can provide)?

YANBU. I would get so much done if I had that kind of time in the day. DP and I have 3 hours in the evening and it's not enough time cos we have a kid, and we'd prefer quality time with him. Standards have dropped so much lol.

Oh dear God don't have kids with him. He'll probably do even less because you'll be 'home all day'. Seriously he sounds really lazy and really, well... BORING. He just watches youtube videos all day and potters to the shop and back?

This man is not a keeper. Do you really want to keep an adult male as an exotic pet? Because that's basically how he wants to live.

So you are working 9 hours for 5 days a week, while he is working 6 hours for 5 nights per week.

He shops and cooks.

You do laundry, clean, organize, walk dog.

He gets lots of free time to relax. You get 15 minutes per night.

Yes, I can't quite put my finger on it - but it definitely looks uneven.

You say you can’t remember the last time you took an evening for ‘me time’.

What the fuck are you doing to have so much house work that you can’t chill out in the evenings??

You are two adults and a dog, both working.

He shops and cooks. You walk the dog.
Both of you do a weekly clean together.

Each adult can do their own washing. Make towels and bedding wash part of the weekly clean.

As long as he is clearing up after himself as a normal adult I have no idea why you have so much house work to do.

We don't generate a lot of housework. I'm not particularly bothered about that side of things. I want him to walk the dog during the week and do more in the garden. It looks equal on paper but it feels very uneven.

Okay so it’s not housework that’s the problem, he shops & cooks so you clean up afterwards (fair), he does the big weekly clean with you & then tidies up after himself the rest of the time (fair).

The problem is walking the dog (you say 1hr 30 a day) & the gardening, both are physical jobs & if he works a physical job as well, I can see why he might not be too keen on doing these everyday / every other day.

Quick question about the dog, did he actually want one? An ex of mine desperately wanted one (I didn’t because of the extra work generated) & once we got one, he would complain I wasn’t doing enough even though it was understood the dog would be his responsibility.

Who’s decision was it to get a dog? If a joint thing then he’s being U about the walking but I’d it was your dog then it’s not really his job.

We both talked about and agreed on getting a dog. He's quite a lazy thing though and if you don't tell him that he's going for a walk, he would quite happily sleep all day and mooch around the garden. He doesn't help his case much.

He used to walk the dog regularly. Sometimes he'd be out for hours and hours with him. Then suddenly it all stopped 4 months ago and we've been stuck in a loop ever since.

We don't have a great amount of housework tbh. I'm maybe making myself into something of a martyr where that is concerned!

Monday: laundry, general day-to-day stuff, garden if weather allows (never-ending weeding!) Ditto Tuesday. Wednesday: I do the upstairs- cleaning, tidying, dusting, hoovering. Thursday is the downstairs - cleaning, tidying, dusting, hoovering, bathroom, kitchen. Friday and Saturday: I do the absolute minimum. Sunday: a bigger house clean.

What exactly does the bigger houseclean involve? Because if you're dusting and hoovering during the week, and doing the washing, other than maybe mopping the floors, and giving the kitchen and bathroom a bit of a deeper clean and changing the sheets, what else is there? Why don't you leave the hoovering and dusting until Sunday, and then you can sit and relax once you've tidied the kitchen after dinner.

And the gardening is only for half the year.

Have you asked him what changed 4 months ago, that led to him stopping the dog walking?

Motoko sounds odd doesn't it that he was walking the dog for hours and hours then stopped 4 months ago? Something was happening OMG back then that isn't now from the sounds of it which may account for the lazy attitude...I hope not, but it sounds suspicious.

4 months ago, I decided to completely overhaul my diet and start doing more exercise in an attempt to shift some weight. This extra exercise started off as alternating between the gym and taking the dog out more. I think DP has just used this as an excuse to become a hermit. Sees it as if I take the dog out then he doesn't have. I reckon it's more downright laziness than anything suspicious!

Having said that, I haven't been to the gym for weeks due to needing to take the dog out on an evening. BTW I do luffs my dog and don't grudge him taking up my time, but he has two owners to do these things

"Monday: laundry, general day-to-day stuff, garden if weather allows (never-ending weeding!) Ditto Tuesday. Wednesday: I do the upstairs- cleaning, tidying, dusting, hoovering. Thursday is the downstairs - cleaning, tidying, dusting, hoovering, bathroom, kitchen. Friday and Saturday: I do the absolute minimum. Sunday: a bigger house clean."

Will you look at that hoovering. Try limiting yourself to once a week.
Or start your own chapter of Hoover Anonymous.

If he's lost interest in the dog then he'll lose interest in any babies that come along.

At least you know the score with him now before you actually went down that path though. He's not a keeper unless he listens and bucks his ideas up.

Household with a dog and people only hoover once a week? Rank

He should do more and I wouldn't tolerate it.

However there's also something wrong if you're only getting 15 minutes downtime, and you don't even have kids. I appreciate that you may need to vacuum a lot with the dog, but how much tidying can the upstairs really need? How long does laundry for two people take? You should have more than 15 minutes rest even doing literally everything!

Household with a dog and people only hoover once a week? Rank

Yeah, I forgot about the dog when I was thinking about the housework, but it doesn't need to be just OP doing it. He's got plenty of time during the day when he could put the hoover around, and I bet the neighbours would prefer if it, and the washing, was done during the day.