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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

The childminder across the street

46 replies

NoodleEatingPoodle · 29/08/2018 13:46

We moved in six months ago to a lovely quiet street with friendly neighbours. One of the neighbours is a childminder who cares for two children after school and all day during school holidays. The two children are close in age to my daughter (9), and the three of them have become fast friends. They play out together when the weather is good, sometimes in the childminders garden, sometimes in ours, or riding bikes / playing football in the road, etc.

DH and I have complementary working hours, so we don't need childcare. One of us works office hours, the other evenings and weekends, some flexibility around working from home etc.

We have never, ever asked the childminder to take care of our daughter. But more and more, she is being invited in with her two friends to bake cookies, or watch a movie, or she's invited to walk to the nearby park with them (and minder), etc. Some days she is in the neighbour's house for three hours or more, sometimes she comes home saying she's had her dinner! Just to note, she also has trips out or to meet other friends with whichever of us is home. It's not that we do nothing with her, but lately during what would be 'down time' at home, instead of reading or watching TV or whatever, she's off over the road. Her friends do also sometimes briefly come to our house, but the childminder understandably doesn't like them to be here for too long because the parents don't know us and she's being paid to look after them.

But she isn't being paid to look after our dd, and on days (like today) when she has three kids instead of two inside her house for hours on end, I wonder if we're being unreasonable to let it happen. It's always a case of the two friends calling for dd, presumably with the minder's permission. It's not that dd goes over and asks to join in. And when the two kids call, DH or I go across to the minder and do the whole 'are you sure? We don't want to take advantage' thing and she tells us it's fine, they all play together and dd is no trouble. The two kids that our neighbour minds are siblings, and they often squabble like siblings do. The dynamic when there are three of them (with my dd in the mix) does seem more harmonious.

She is a lovely, warm woman who has raised 4 kids of her own (all now young adults) and we have no problem with dd being close to her or spending time in her house etc.

So... Is this a case of: the childminder is happy (and could always say no if she's not), the mindees are happy to have a friend on the road and someone other than each other to play with, and dd is happy to have other kids to play with, so there's no problem?

Or are we being massively unreasonable and taking advantage of our neighbour by letting her regularly (a couple of times a week at least) provide free childcare (that we don't need!) for a third child, when she's being paid to mind two?

If it's not massively unreasonable of us to let dd go to the neighbour's when she's invited, how can we acknowledge that we appreciate the neighbour including her with the other kids, baking cookies with her, taking her to the park...? Is it a bottle of wine/box of chocolates situation? A present at Christmas?

Thanks

OP posts:

user1494670108 · 29/08/2018 13:58

I think I'd check regularly and if she's adamant it's ok take a bottle of wine and a home made card from your dd at the end of the holidays to thank her for a lovely time

checkingforballoons · 29/08/2018 13:58

If it was me I’d knock on her door when none of the children are around and say pretty much what you’ve posted here. If she still agrees it’s all fine, give her your number and ask her to text you if it ever gets too much for her having DD over. Good luck!

cansu · 29/08/2018 14:00

I would maybe call in and check that it is OK for them to be there. Maybe offer to have the girls at your house if their parents agree it. Childminder could ask parent whether it is OK for them to play at yours.

Witchofwisteria · 29/08/2018 14:04

Call in and check with her, maybe buy her some flowers just to say thanks too for her having dinner and obviously being watched by her. If your daughter is making the other kids amused and easier to look after for her then she probably doesn't mind for that reason! You are a good person to be concerned and ask, some wouldnt even bother!

Chickychoccyegg · 29/08/2018 14:09

I'm a childminder, and if I have a space (under 6 kids in total) , I'll sometimes offer to have a friend over, it's all fine, if she felt it was too much or didn't want your dd there she would say, she's running a business and has to follow ratios, so if she's happy, then it means she's happy to have her, just check regularly that it's still fine (wine and chocolates are always appreciated )

RB68 · 29/08/2018 14:25

They are also self entertaining which is a bonus - lol

Blondeshavemorefun · 29/08/2018 14:26

its nice she plays with them - check with cm she is happy to have her, give phone number she can call if had enough

over 8 so no ratios needed for ofsted

i wouldnt be happy if i were the girls parents that they play in the road sometimes

i wouldnt be happy if i were you and daughter comes home saying had dinner, when youve probably cooked something

ChocolateChipMuffin2016 · 29/08/2018 14:29

I agree with PP, I would make sure you regularly check and the idea of giving your number so she can message to take her back if needed is a good one. I would also pop in a bunch of flowers and wine every so often.
I should also point out that as a parent which uses a CM, I wouldn't be happy for my child to play at your house without the CM there. I don't know you, I'm guessing your not DCRB checked and I don't know your house (I am sure you are lovely, but I wouldn't be comfortable). That being said my DS is only 1 so that might be why I feel that way! What I mean is I can see why she would reciprocate very often or for long periods, but maybe you could offer to join her at the park one day, buy the ice cream? My CM will often have play dates/ see friends but she's always there too.

Twotailed · 29/08/2018 14:40

I used to be a childminder and would have actually found it easier to have nice neighbourhood kids around - it takes the pressure off you to entertain! A thank you gift would be unnecessary imo but very kind and probably much appreciated

Original poster

NoodleEatingPoodle · 29/08/2018 15:36

Thanks for all the replies, I am relieved that the general consensus isn't that we are CFs. Thanks for the good advice - I particularly like the idea of dd making a card to go with the wine/chocolates, and linking the gesture with the end of the summer holidays. I felt like Christmas was too far off, but am more comfortable bringing something over for some 'occasion' rather than on a random Tuesday. End of summer holidays is perfect, as the neighbour has had the two mindees all day most days, and dd has been there over the summer much more often than she was during the school year.

We don't mind dd playing in the road, she is sensible at 9 and cautious about cars, and it's a very quiet dead end street with minimal traffic. No idea if the other kids' parents feel the same but that's between them and the minder.

We really don't mind when dd comes home saying she's had dinner at the neighbour's house. We really like the casual 'takes a village' feel to this neighborhood and often have other kids who live on the street in our house too, and feed them or hand around popsicles or whatever. Dd has come in with her grazed knee bandaged by someone else's mum, or finishing an ice cream someone's dad bought her from the ice cream van because she was playing out with his kids, or whatever. I think it's lovely. We have made an effort to get to know them all (there are only 6 houses, four of which have kids including us and the childminder) and are comfortable with dd being part of the gang who we all look out for together. We feel incredibly lucky to have landed in this kind of neighborhood.

It's just that the childminder is doing a job, and that we can't reciprocate, and that it's her house more than others that dd ends up in, that made me wonder if it's reasonable where she's concerned.

The two siblings being minded are boys, btw. It's not relevant to the issue but I thought I'd mention it because a couple of people assumed they were all girls. I like that they're a mixed group of friends all playing together, whether it's football in the road or baking cookies .

OP posts:

madmomma · 29/08/2018 16:23

Aww what a lovely woman. I bet she doesn't mind, but it's lovely of you to think of small gestures to make her feel appreciated. The odd bunch of flowers maybe? Or maybe send healthy snacks for all the kids to share one day?

rebelrosie12 · 29/08/2018 16:28

Personally, having been a childminder, I would never allow my children to do this. She is being paid by the parents of the children for the ratio she has, you are not paying and you are also increasing her responsibility and reducing the ratio of supervision. If she is a kind person she may not want to say anything to you. You could suggest going over there for a play date and then at least you would be responsible for your child and she is for her mindees.

Original poster

NoodleEatingPoodle · 29/08/2018 16:43

But she wouldn't have to say anything to us, rebelrosie, she would just have to stop inviting dd... We are not asking her to. Do you think we should start saying dd isn't allowed to go over when invited (genuine question, I've wondered myself).

I don't want to take dd over for playdates, she is 9 and I stopped staying for her playdates / expecting other parents to stay when she has friends over at ours, a long time ago. I also have not been invited to my neighbour's house (dd has been, regularly) and wouldn't presume that she wants to entertain an adult guest!

OP posts:

rebelrosie12 · 30/08/2018 07:55

Yes I think if it were me, I'd refuse the invite.
I know you wouldn't attend a play date at 9 usually but it's her place of work. And she's working.

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 30/08/2018 08:09

No I wouldn’t refuse the invite. The children are happy. My niece is here a lot. She lives on our street and is the same age as DS1. If she wasn’t here, he’d be slumped in front of the tv or menacing his little brother. When she’s here, they either play in the garden or up in his room doing crafts. DS2 calmly potters around the sitting room and I drink a bit less.

Saying that, I do think chocolates or wine would be much appreciated. But the fact you’re thinking about this so much shows you’re not a cheeky piss taker 🙂

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 30/08/2018 08:11

And do not stay there for play dates. I’m sure that would be much more irritating to the childminder, having a random adult to entertain as well

MumsGoneToIceland · 30/08/2018 08:18

As a parent of someone who uses a childminder, I wouldn’t mind an extra child being there as long as it was within ratio and was only a couple of times a week. I can see what rebelroise is saying and nice she thinks that way but a parent should be expecting that a cm may have up to their max ratio of children to supervise and be comfortable with that.

However I wouldn’t be happy with my children being at your house without the cm I have entrusted their care to OR playing in the street by themselves and trust my cm fully that I know she would not do either of those things. (My children are similar ages)

I think as long as it’s always the cm doing the inviting and it’s only a couple of times a week, you have nothing to worry about

StealthPolarBear · 30/08/2018 08:27

I actually wouldn't buy flowers and wine. It suggests she has been doing you a favour which seems on slightly dodgy ground. The children are in their own home and they're having friends over. As long as the adult on charge is happy then that's it surely. Can't they play in your house sometimes? Presumably you know the parents?

StealthPolarBear · 30/08/2018 08:27

Ratios don't apply.

StealthPolarBear · 30/08/2018 08:29

Our children regularly play with others on the village and they move between our houses as they want to. We aren't 'looking after' them when they're in our house. Recently we had an event to go to, and we sent the children to a friends . At that point she was in charge, for which we were very grateful.

ChocolateWombat · 30/08/2018 08:44

I might be more concerned about what the parents think about it than what the childminder thinks.

The childminder is clearly happy with it - otherwise she wouldn't be letting it happen. On one hand it's kind, but it probably makes her job easier too if your DC helps entertain the kids she looks after and keeps them occupied.

Question is, do the parents know it's happening? They might be fine with it, or they might feel that they are paying for their 2 DC to have the attention of an adult and if her attention is also focused on a 3rd DC who they haven't factored in,bother own children are getting a raw deal. So actually Inwould speak to the parents about it - just in a low key and relaxed way,not make sure they know what's happening and are happy about it - I'd also check if they are happy for their kids to come into your house and if you'd want childminder to be there too. It may well be that the CM has already had these chats with parents, but I would just check. In all liklihood the parents are or will be fine with what's happening, but making eyes good communication and everyone knows what's going on is important - in the end it's for the parents to decide, not the childminder.

And if it's to continue, yes to the odd box of chocs or bottle to say thanks, and making a bit of an effort to get to know CM and parents even if on a very basic level.

WanderingTrolley1 · 30/08/2018 08:49

I’d feel like I was taking advantage and couldn’t allow that to continue.

Ohyesiam · 30/08/2018 08:54

She’s told you it’s fine.
I’d like to have a conversation saying just let us know if it’s ever too much, what can we do for you? And I’d buy her something lovely for Christmas.

PrimalLass · 30/08/2018 08:56

it's her place of work. And she's working.

She's sending her mindees over though.

OP you are fine. Just do what PP have said and reciprocate with flowers etc.

JynxaSmoochum · 30/08/2018 09:03

Sounds like a happy situation. The children are reaching an age where they often grow tired of childcare and it sounds like your child going over helps with a happy dynamic.

If the child minder wasn't happy she would have prevented the situation from developing.

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