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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think my child is a dick today?

40 replies

crustyedges · 29/08/2018 13:18

So name changed as will obviously get flamed Grin

I'm a SAHM currently to a 14 month old and a 2 week old.
Today they have both wanted feeding at exactly the same times, then when dd (the toddler) has finished her food she decides it's time to do things she most definitely should not be doing while I am stuck under newborn.
I've just gone round under the high chair picking up basically her entire lunch while she whinges that she's stuck in it.
I'm still hormonal and bleeding postpartum which has gotten worse since DH has gone back to work.
I've done several pooey nappies from each of them before it even hit lunch time, and I'm sat here in this muggy weather sweating and smelling like one of those bloody nappies.

It got to the stressful point where I had had enough and called toddler dd several swear names I won't repeat and I do feel incredibly guilty, but luckily she's not talking yet so won't be repeating them to my parents!

Please tell me I'm not alone in the chaotic life of having a newborn with other children? I thought it was so easy with my first....

OP posts:
crustyedges · 29/08/2018 13:19

Oh and it has taken over an hour to type and post this

OP posts:
delilahswishes · 29/08/2018 13:21

I totally get where you are coming from and this is why I left a bigger age gap between my two as I knew I just couldn't cope with two babies together, particularly as DC1 (and 2nd as it happened) was clingy and Didn't sleep.

In the nicest way though your toddler is still very much a baby and doesn't know how to be a "dick", she is just little and wanting her mum and is probably quite thrown by having another baby needing her mum too (or more so). Give her a break and make sure you get one too!

Queuegardens · 29/08/2018 13:22

Ah well done so far xxx it is insanely hard. You are not alone. I am sure it will get easier - ime they have different development stages, some of which are easy, some challenging. For the first few years you'll get some lovely easy months (Where both are in easy tractable stage), some moderately tough months (where one need a lot and the other is more chilled) and some bastard hard months (where they both have a lot of needs and want you a lot). I would say the first month is probably one of the toughies. Good luck, hang in there x

hidinginthenightgarden · 29/08/2018 13:24

Oh dear! Is it bath time? I would honestly all get in the bath. You can cuddle baby, dd plays and can continue to do so whilst you get out and get you and baby dry and dressed. Should waste an hour!

memememe · 29/08/2018 13:25

oh dear, your "toddler" is still a baby really and needs her mum, its all changed for her, i know you are tired and its tough having 2 little ones to look after but shes not a dick. put the telly on and cuddle up with them both for a bit.

give yourself a break too. it will get easier. xx

Raver84 · 29/08/2018 13:28

At 14 months you older one is still a baby he dosnt do things to be mean he's still learning. It must be hard having two so close together my 4 all 2 years apart and that was hard enough.

crustyedges · 29/08/2018 13:30

Oh dear I've just been a bit tearful reading these replies. Thank you for being kind. I know it's not her fault bless her she's still a baby, luckily she's down for a nap now so it's giving me some time to recharge and relax a bit.
It probably isn't helping that she's also teething again so until they've come through properly I think we're in for a bumpy ride.

OP posts:
PenApple · 29/08/2018 13:34

My youngest is 13mo and I can’t imagine having to care for a new baby too, was hard enough with a nearly 2 year gap with my oldest 2.

I today I am sick, vomiting sick. Baby tv, the toy box scattered over the house and toddler snacks have been my friend.

Hopefully your dd will nap soon and you can breathe deeply scream into a pillow

PenApple · 29/08/2018 13:36

Cross posted - glad she’s napping! Have some Cake

liz70 · 29/08/2018 13:36

I certainly didn't "plan" a 16 month age gap between DDs 1 and 2, but it happened, and somehow, we survived it. The "highlight" was probably me, around 4 months gone with DD2, spewing violently all over the kitchen, then having to clean it up, with DD1, aged 11 months, sitting squawking in her highchair for her breakfast all the time. Fun times. Grin

holycityzoo · 29/08/2018 13:41

Huge hugs to you. I had a newborn and a 13 month old (and a 3 and 9 year old) so I feel your pain it's bloody hard work. Sounds like you are doing a fab job. Lots of chocolate al round and try and put your feet up (I know it's almost impossible but try!) xx

Somanymistakes · 29/08/2018 14:01

Darling, children are often dicks. They usually don't mean to be. Mine are teeenages. They are rarely not dicks tbh.

I left my gap longer which meant I embraced screen time whole heartedly when No.2 came along.

This isn't probably much use for you. But it sounds to me that you are doing exceptionally well and are also maintaining a sense of perspective and communicating with people even if it is online.

All of those are good signs.

Days like these can seem endless. Probably it'll be easier tomorrow but if you start feeling down, please talk to someone and see your GP

Here are some things I do to give me a fast boost.

Wash my hands in cool/cold water. Make sure you wash your wrists too. That is important. Preferably using a lovely smelling soap.

Washing my face in cold water helps.

Put on a favourite song as loud as is ok for little ears. Preferably uplifting and inspiring.
Foo Fighters "Times Like These" is a favourite of mine.

Use feeding times to watch tv you like. They are young enough it doesn't matter. Not Game of Thrones obv but other things will be ok.

Get a playpen. My eldest loved it. Youngest didn't need it. You can get fun ones with a tent over top.

Have you got a travel cot? Fill it with play balls and put toddler in it whilst you feed.

Buy and eat something indulgent.
I was very sad recently as my ex took kids away for first holiday with out me. I bought my favourite cake (sharing size) and ate it all. I didn't even feel guilty afterwards.

Could you all fit in a bath? Bath the two littlest together?

Stick them in the buggy and go for a walk. If you can see them easily use headphones and listen to music if you need a break. If one is half off (I use over ear headphones) you can hear them if they speak to you.

Have you got a lose friend you could call over? I promise -most people will help if you ask. If a friend with a baby or two called me stressed, I would whisk them out for a walk or bring over biscuits and a cuddle. But you have to tell people.

Is there a relative who takes over? Invite them round and say you have a headache/need a nap/bath whatever. Use people.

Go to soft play. Sit in toddler section and feed/cuddle baby. Look for other mums with same slightly desperate look on their face. Start chatting. "Two is hard isn't it - what a lovely baby you have". Will work for most people. If they answer "it's so amazing and so easy" BACK AWAY. They may be lying, they may be very lucky, they may be surrounded by family. It won't help you to hear about it all though.

FWIW the biggest "normal" problem (I had different ones as well - SN in dc1 and dc2 was unwell when born) I had was getting the early feeding demands in sync with our current life.

Things got very hard for me but I had two very sensible friends who constantly told me to remember I was the head of the clan and if I got too run down it ill, EVERYONE would suffer. You need to look after yourself too. Ask for help if it is there.

If this is just a bad day, be comforted that we have all had them. Most of us have felt at sometime that we made a terrible mistake having children. Most of us have had days we wished away.

If it gets bad, put kids in their cots and go outside for 5 mins and breathe.

Make sure you keep eating regularly and drink water as well as tea and coffee.
I lived in ready meals after both kids were born. No clothes got ironed. The minimum was done to keep clean and tidy.

Things will get easier but right now you have to just get through this it. If 6 ems isn't the marvellous breakthrough everyone says it is, don't worry. For me it was 9 and 12 weeks. And a brilliant friend warned me about that so I could keep sane.

Keep posting. Why don't you go back to your usual name? This is nothing to feel ashamed about. Kids are hard work. They aren't doing on purpose, even if it feels it.

You have my good vibes and sympathies. Baby groups will start again soon and it will help.

Lots of love.
X

Somanymistakes · 29/08/2018 14:02

It a lose friend.
A GOOD friend.

iMatter · 29/08/2018 14:04

I had a very similar age gap (12 months) and you have my sympathy.

Have a virtual handhold and a cup of tea (not that you'll get time to drink it... Wink)

I promise it gets easier although it may take a while.

BrewCakeThanks

Somanymistakes · 29/08/2018 14:04

Not a lose friend.

Don't take any of my advice. I can't even proofread properly. BlushBlushBlush

Mintylicious · 29/08/2018 14:07

What a fab post from somanymistakes

Somanymistakes · 29/08/2018 14:12

IMPORTANT- about t

If your bleeding is getting heavier you may need to go to GP.
Are you passing clots? Any increased pain?
You could have an infection. Do you feel unwell/fluey? If yes go to GP today on urgent appt.

Newborn and toddler nappies are good for heavy postpartum flow by the way.

Somanymistakes · 29/08/2018 14:13

Omg.
I was putting
IMPORTANT - about lochia

Then thought I should put bleeding instead. Then was sidetracked by a text and forgot I hadn't decided. So posted it unfinished.

Drizz · 29/08/2018 14:17

Much love and sympathy. I had mine 23 and 21 months apart and found that hard enough. Lots of amazing suggestions between the typos somanymistakes. Particularly the ball pool travel cot I find really genius and am stealing, even if we're five months in and it does get easier. A lot easier (although the naps organised to cover the day from 9:30-15:00 are now the annoyance of our life, I dread the day the youngest doesn't fit in the pram any longer).

Liskee · 29/08/2018 14:18

There's 18 months between my two. DS2 is over 2 now and I continually have days where I lose my shit. Although I've learnt a bit more patience and to call them a dick under my breath and out of their hearing cos they can both talk and they repeat EVERYTHING!

You will have good days and bad days, good weeks and bad weeks. You'll be bloody exhausted one day and feeling on top of everything the next. No matter what as long as you're there and you let them know they're loved then you're doing a good job!

BlueSuffragette · 29/08/2018 14:19

15mths between my 2DC. It was tough, 2 is more than twice the work. So worth it though.

LadyMarmyLard · 29/08/2018 14:23

What a lovely reply from somanymistakes Smile

OP my stomach is churning reading your post because it brings back all those memories. It's relentless.

I think you need to get out the house, just for a little walk, have you got a double buggy?

I made the mistake of asking people with two DCs that are close in age if it gets any easier, and they would chuckle and say oh no it gets harder.. well guess what I am from the future and I am here to tell you, it WILL get easier and if you can get through this stage you can get through anything. This is the point they are the most dependent on you . Just get through today, basic survival Brew

Hideandgo · 29/08/2018 14:26

I’ve done this gap, with a 2 yr old too. It’s very bloody hard. And you’re still bleeding because you’re doing too much.

Keep meals very bloody simple. Gets lots of ready stuff either bought or bulk made for defrosting quick. Plenty of easy snacks to throw at toddler etc. Forget about cleanup, your DH can take 30mins after getting home to do a run around. And park yourselves in front of the TV every afternoon to feed and relax. Hopefully toddler will do a good nap for you and let you focus on the baby.

It will pass before you know it!

Hideandgo · 29/08/2018 14:30

Also try to get everyone out in the buggy/carrier somewhere simple each morning. Easy sandwich/roll and biscuit and tub of non messy fruit for toddler strapped in the back of the car on the way home around noon. So you don’t have everyone screaming as you prep food on arrival home. Then TV, naps and relaxing all afternoon. Baths late afternoon to fill the time and do something productive. And an easy dinner to put out for the toddler.

Givemeallyourcucumber · 29/08/2018 14:32

Oh OP, I remember those day so well. I think I cried and hated myself as a mother for the first 6 months. Mine were 15 months apart. It's fucking relentless. And such hard work. Feeling tired and hormonal feels normal and you forget what it's like to actually feel human!
I have so much sympathy for you.
Things that got me through those times were:
Reading eldest books whilst BF
Bath time for eldest at anytime of the day
Snacks, snacks and more snacks!
Crying my heart out in another room for 10 mins
All napping together in the same bed
Going out for a walk
Going to mum and baby groups
Children's center/sure start (they are just amazing!)

I hope you are O.K and can get some TLC soon.

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