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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Baby number two discussion turns into fall out. Every time!

33 replies

Nurse15 · 29/08/2018 08:11

But of background, we have a 16m old baby who screamed for basically 8 months solid when she was born. Is a delight now other than still not sleeping through. It's fine - when I'm off work the next day I get up with her when my husband is off we take it in turns. I work 13 hour days - 2 one week and 3 the next to work part time 30 hours. This allows us to have our daughter in childcare one day a week only. As a result I end up working all the antisocial hours so my husband is there to look after DD. I've felt ready for number 2 for a few months now. Baby number 1 took 18 months to conceive due to pcos and some other issues. I've just had a laparoscopy and hysteroscopy at the beginning of July for this and suspected endometriosis. My doctor at this stage said I should TTC sooner rather than later if I want any chance of doing it naturally.

That was long sorry! We've had a few discussions about baby number 2 that end in my husband not being ready - he says he isn't ready as he doesn't want to give up time doing his hobbies to have another baby. Fair enough I've told him I'm annoyed by it but it's fine. He then says I'm pressuring him into another - I'm not but he knows how I feel about it. He then started having unprotected sex with me without discussion last week ( we had just used condoms before this) and I thought he was ready for another baby - fine. Brought it up with him twice and the first time his response was "I just thought I'd go for it" and the second time I persisted and managed to get out of him that he is only doing it for me and doesn't want another baby.

AIBU to be horrendously annoyed that he took the risk when it would have been miserable to be carrying a baby he didn't want? I would have a c section birth and so would need help after birth - we have zero family support. I am so annoyed that he thinks that it's okay when I know if it did happen he would be miserable and still swan off and do his hobbies leaving me in the literal shit with two wee ones?

Second AIBU, I work around him and the baby and he gets one day every week to persue his hobby without me or the baby without fail. AIBU to work whatever days I want and let him foot the bill for the extra childcare / miss out on his hobby? Feeling so annoyed right now I can't decide who's BU

OP posts:

NonaGrey · 29/08/2018 08:15

I’m sorry, I know it causes you pain but the person who doesnt want the baby gets the veto.

That doesn’t excuse him throwing caution to the winds and blaming you though.

It also doesn’t mean there shouldn’t be equitable division of duties st Home.

PurpleFlower1983 · 29/08/2018 08:15

Having a second child would definitely not be a good idea, he’s made it clear he is not ready and you could end up ruining the relationship.

Original poster

Nurse15 · 29/08/2018 08:18

Hold on - I've made it clear in my post I'm annoyed because he is trying to have a second baby but isn't ready. I've put a stop to it and am pissed off that he risked it - I realise have a second baby would be a terrible idea

OP posts:

daughterofanarchy · 29/08/2018 08:20

If your partner isn’t ready for a baby I would say don’t go ahead- it could Cause resentment which never gets better (experience speaking). However, he should also not have had unprotected sex with you as that does give off mixed signals in my opinion.

TheVanguardSix · 29/08/2018 08:28

Wow. Now is just SO not the time to ttc. There’s too much disdain and resentment between you both. Too much pressure as well. I understand that with your medical history, sooner than later is advisable but I think now is just ‘too soon’. You’re both in totally different places.

You feel ready for number 2. Yet when DH stopped using a condom, you felt upset. This is because you feel he’s only ttc to make you happy?

If I were you- and I’m not but I’ve been in a similar place- I’d dial it way back. I’d shelf ttc for a few months. I’d set a target, Christmas time say, as a time to either revisit the subject or actively start. This will get you both off the frazzling/frantic/demoralising ttc bus and you’ll both reconnect. Right now your main connection with DH is ttc/his unwillingness ttc. It’s not a great way to go for number 2.

Step back. Breathe. Reconnect. Try again. It’ll happen. And you’ll both be closer and in a better place. I hope I don’t sound too harsh. I’ve been there. It’s tough. But as I recommend, dial it back.

WhiteDust · 29/08/2018 09:18

He can't do right can he? You're mad with him because he doesn't want another baby, he tries to please you by going for it and you're mad at him about that too.

'I've told him I'm annoyed by it but it's fine. He then says I'm pressuring him into another - I'm not but he knows how I feel about it.'
This is one of those situations where 'fine' doesn't actually mean 'fine'. He knows how you feel about it alright It is not 'fine' with you.
You know it and he knows it.

What you want is for him to WANT another baby.
He doesn't.
It's sad for you but he has the right to say no.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 29/08/2018 09:31

It sounds as though you were annoyed with him for saying he wasn't ready to TTC, he felt under pressure to agree despite being open with you that he wasn't ready so he eventually decided to do it anyway to make you happy. Now you're annoyed that he just did it for you and it wasn't really what he wanted, despite him having told you previously that it wasn't what he wanted. He may not have handled things well but let's be honest, he really can't win can he?

Dishwashersaurous · 29/08/2018 09:51

What do you want?

You can not make him want to have a baby. He doesn’t now, and he may never want another baby.

So either don’t have another baby.

Or if you want another baby, accept that you will have to do the vast bulk of the practical stuff.

He is willing to go along with having a baby but has made it clean he doesn’t want to change his life from now.

So it wouldn’t be fair in a year to be moaning about him not pulling his weight

Original poster

Nurse15 · 29/08/2018 09:54

I was perfectly happy to wait to have another baby - when I said I was fine about waiting I was. I am totally fine as long as I know where I stand. As discussed I do 99% of childcare and house stuff anyway so it wouldn't be anything new. Im not the kind of person who says one thing but means another - I have Asperger's and so things are black and white with me. When I say I wasn't annoyed with his decision to wait to TTC i meant it. He then complained I was pressuring him despite not mentioning it again. I'll get the thread deleted now as I don't think anyone is actually understanding what I'm annoyed about!

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 29/08/2018 09:59

Um... you don't get to delete just because threads aren't going your way, that's not how it works.

Fair enough I've told him I'm annoyed by it but it's fine.

Bit contradictory there.

peachgreen · 29/08/2018 10:01

YANBU to be annoyed at all. From your post I gather that you're not annoyed that he doesn't want another baby, but annoyed that a) the reason he gave us because he doesn't want to give up his hobby despite the fact that you work hard to accommodate it at the moment and b) he initiated unprotected sex as if he did want another baby when actually he doesn't.

Him doing b) is just ridiculous and very stupid. Not only is it risky, it's giving you mixed messages and is actually quite unkind, given he knows you're ready for another baby. a) is a bit more complicated he's entitled to leisure time but only if he's pulling his weight to ensure you get the same amount. Your child is not just your responsibility and he needs to take DC into consideration when making work and leisure arrangements too.

FlyingElbows · 29/08/2018 10:06

Op you are sending mixed messages. You think you're being clear because you know what you want. However what you're writing here and what you're telling your husband is not as clear. You want a baby but you don't want a baby. You want him to want a baby but you're OK that he doesn't want a baby. It's ok that you do it all but you resent that you'll be doing it all. It's really not black and white at all.

NonaGrey · 29/08/2018 10:06

I understood why you were annoyed OP.

He say he doesn’t want to have another baby but is prepared to go ahead with it anyway so then he can play the martyr and make you do all the work.

I get why you are annoyed. He doesn’t sound very nice.

Original poster

Nurse15 · 29/08/2018 10:10

Thank you Nona and Peach. I thought I was being ridiculously bad at explaining things for a while there (which does happen!)

OP posts:

Whyyounoeatmypie · 29/08/2018 10:20

I'm wondering how you didn't discuss not using condoms beforehand - he doesn't get to just decide that! Especially given that you're discussing a second baby!

TheVanguardSix · 29/08/2018 10:25

I don’t think he’s trying to play martyr at all. I think he’s assuming he’d make you happy by having a second child, in a very clumsy and not well thought-out way. You’re Aspergers. Presumably he’s not. My DH is Aspergers. So you’re both coming at this from different angles. Talk is essential. How have your actual cards-on-the-table discussions gone? You’ll have to sing from the same hymn sheet and reasonable discussion will get you there. I’d have that reasonable discussion in a couple of months’ time... not now. Things sound too raw and irrational and overwhelming to sensibly approach the topic of ttc right now.

Don’t get pregnant until you’re both understanding each other’s wants very clearly AND you’ve both agreed you’re ready ttc. Dial it back. And listen rather than react. Good luck.

NonaGrey · 29/08/2018 10:25

You want a baby but you want him to be fully on board.

Which is fine and sensible.

But then you can’t just let him dispense with condoms without agreement.

Sit down with him calmly. Say you understand he’s not ready and will shelve the discussion for now. Agree with him confirms to be used every time. (Although personally in your position I’d go on the pill/get a coil etc to avoid him playing the martyr.)

You also need to think about how you feel about things if he never wants to have another baby.

DeadGood · 29/08/2018 10:27

"AIBU to be horrendously annoyed that he took the risk when it would have been miserable to be carrying a baby he didn't want? I would have a c section birth and so would need help after birth - we have zero family support. I am so annoyed that he thinks that it's okay when I know if it did happen he would be miserable and still swan off and do his hobbies leaving me in the literal shit with two wee ones?"

Hmm. I can see you are getting frustrated with the replies you're getting on here, OP, but I have to agree you are sending out mixed signals.

You say you need to get cracking on TTC because of your circumstances. So, best get cracking then.

The fact is it can take a while to conceive and even when you do, there's still 9 months of lead time. That is time your husband can use to come around to the idea. In truth, it sounds very much to me as though he is willing, but just not prepared to be the one to push things forward, at least not in words.

If you really think he will not help out when the baby comes, then you need to accept that you are never having that second child. Because he won't suddenly "become ready" in 5 years.

Maybe you are fine with not having a second child. Make your peace with that and keep him in the loop.

OR, maybe you want a second child, but not with him. Wild card option. Again, only you can decide that.

However, if you want that second child, with him, then I'd accept that he may not be everything you want him to be in terms of childcare, but that you can use the duration of the pregnancy to talk to him and find ways of making it work.

Basically if you want that next baby, stop going back and forth and just get to it.

AgentJohnson · 29/08/2018 10:29

He had unprotected sex because he wanted unprotected sex, he didn’t risk shit because if you did get pregnant a) he would’ve blamed you and b) he wouldn’t change his life to accommodate another child.

The thing you don’t get OP is that you want different things but if you think placate him enough or wait long enough, I’ll eventually get what I want. You do need to prepare yourself a) him never wanting children and b) him not telling you he definitely doesn’t want children or c) going along with another even though he know he doesn’t want another.

You may be black and white and yes or no but he isn’t. He is all, shades of grey and maybe’s, which makes real discussion about things you disagree on very difficult. I also suspect that his personality —Imaturity— and your difficulties in accepting that you and him have fundamentally different ways of communicating and managing conflict, further exposes the very shaky ground your relationship is founded upon.

I would seriously recommend relationship counselling because neither of you are doing a particularly good job of listening to each other and listening is so much more than hearing the other party speak.

NadiaLeon · 29/08/2018 10:37

Even though he'd probably love the second child as much as the first, it's too big a risk to get pregnant accident.
Be happy with one and back off. Never mention it again . If he loves you he will consider giving you a baby.

WhiteDust · 29/08/2018 10:45

I don't think anyone is actually understanding what I'm annoyed about!

'We've had a few discussions about baby number 2 that end in my husband not being ready - he says he isn't ready as he doesn't want to give up time doing his hobbies to have another baby. Fair enough I've told him I'm annoyed by it but it's fine.'

He knows you're annoyed because you told him! He was trying to please you by going along with what you want.
YABU for NOW trying to make out you're NOT annoyed about him not wanting another child. You're twisting things.

Rebecca36 · 29/08/2018 11:21

You're fine with just one, be glad you have one when many cannot even have that. Why put yourself through all that again when your life is now organised?

Your husband was wrong to not use condoms but you could have stopped him; hopefully he won't be doing that again.

Relax, enjoy your lives and your child.

puzzledlady · 29/08/2018 11:23

Yabu OP. He doesn’t want another child. Sorry. Your husband can’t do anything right - damned if he did and damned if he didn’t.

SlimmingMumOf1 · 29/08/2018 11:25

You need to accept that he doesn't want another baby.

I don't want any more (I have just 1), but my husband wants 2 more. It took a while for him to actually accept that I am not having anymore. If NHS allowed it, I would definitely get sterilised! Because he's refusing to get the snip

NadiaLeon · 29/08/2018 11:25

@Rebecca36 Tell that to the other posters who keep starting threads about wanting a third child etc...to the detriment of their relationships

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