Baby number two discussion turns into fall out. Every time!

[Nurse15]

But of background, we have a 16m old baby who screamed for basically 8 months solid when she was born. Is a delight now other than still not sleeping through. It's fine - when I'm off work the next day I get up with her when my husband is off we take it in turns. I work 13 hour days - 2 one week and 3 the next to work part time 30 hours. This allows us to have our daughter in childcare one day a week only. As a result I end up working all the antisocial hours so my husband is there to look after DD. I've felt ready for number 2 for a few months now. Baby number 1 took 18 months to conceive due to pcos and some other issues. I've just had a laparoscopy and hysteroscopy at the beginning of July for this and suspected endometriosis. My doctor at this stage said I should TTC sooner rather than later if I want any chance of doing it naturally.

That was long sorry! We've had a few discussions about baby number 2 that end in my husband not being ready - he says he isn't ready as he doesn't want to give up time doing his hobbies to have another baby. Fair enough I've told him I'm annoyed by it but it's fine. He then says I'm pressuring him into another - I'm not but he knows how I feel about it. He then started having unprotected sex with me without discussion last week ( we had just used condoms before this) and I thought he was ready for another baby - fine. Brought it up with him twice and the first time his response was "I just thought I'd go for it" and the second time I persisted and managed to get out of him that he is only doing it for me and doesn't want another baby.

AIBU to be horrendously annoyed that he took the risk when it would have been miserable to be carrying a baby he didn't want? I would have a c section birth and so would need help after birth - we have zero family support. I am so annoyed that he thinks that it's okay when I know if it did happen he would be miserable and still swan off and do his hobbies leaving me in the literal shit with two wee ones?

Second AIBU, I work around him and the baby and he gets one day every week to persue his hobby without me or the baby without fail. AIBU to work whatever days I want and let him foot the bill for the extra childcare / miss out on his hobby? Feeling so annoyed right now I can't decide who's BU

Ok, let’s break this down into its constituent parts.

1. you need to have a frank conversation with him about the distribution of responsibilities in the household. Tell him you need him to do more. Assign him some specific jobs which are his. Tell him you’re going to be taking work hours which may require him to sake responsibility for the baby more often.
   Then see how that goes. If he won’t step up then you know it would be a terrible idea to have another child with a man who won’t pull his weight.

2. having another child. As others say, it’s the person who doesn’t want one whose wishes prevail, that’s the right thing to do. He doesn’t want another child at the moment and yes it’s irresponsible of him to act otherwise but you also need to think about whether he is going to pull his weight if you do have another one (see point 1, above). I suspect he wouldn’t and that would leave you in the worst possible position, having to carry all the extra effort and resenting him for it.

*take responsibility

If he loves you he will consider giving you a baby.

Oh for fucks sake, where did this pearl of wisdom come from?

OP it's a very difficult situation and he will probably struggle to see why you're upset as in his mind he is giving you what you want. I understand why you're annoyed as he had unprotected sex without discussing it with you first which implied he had changed his mind, when in fact he hadn't. If you'd have got pregnant he would have then been able to remove himself from family life even further and play the martyr as you 'got what you wanted'. You're right you need to wait til he is fully on board

Presumably though he wanted the first child which is why it's confusing that you do the vast majority of home tasks and childcare already. I'd be trying to rectify that as one whole day a week doing a hobby with a small kid is a lot. Unless you discussed and agreed that before having kids the first time. Which is all a separate issue anyway.

I don't think you're being unreasonable being annoyed but it's quite a complex situation so he might not be unreasonable in not 'getting' it (lots of people on here don't seem to apparently!)

I think he sounds like he potentially does want another baby but its scared of it being like before. 8 months of screaming baby is exhausting. And it sounds like its still exhausting. Maybe you've adjusted better than he has.
Sounds like you need to talk more in a calm way to find out what he wants and what it is you want because it sounds like he doesn't really know himself. Set out what hes and you are afraid of
What circumstances you would and wouldnt want another baby.
Maybe he's not ready yet. And it sucks that you're under pressure

Does sound like you're bitter about his day off (understandably!)
You need to split costs of you having a day off too. That's only fair

I don't see what's hard to understand for people.

They decided to wait on TTC because her husband isn't ready.

Then he stopped using condoms and she thought he had changed his mind about having another child.

When asked about it he said he only did it because she wanted another baby, he doesn't.

He risked getting her pregnant with a baby he doesn't want.

Why shouldn't she be pissed off at him?

It sounds like you have a few things to sort out before you consider baby number 2. I can see why you're annoyed with his mixed signals op.