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AIBU?

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Original poster

to not tell anyone when I'm in labour?

108 replies

lisloom · 29/08/2018 07:49

When you went in to labour, who did you tell?

Part of me just doesn't want to tell anyone until after baby is born. My family are full on. I don't want a circus...

OP posts:
StarfishSandwich · 29/08/2018 19:35

Due any day now and we’ve agreed with the parents that we’ll let them know when things are starting but not to expect any updates until baby is born. They are also not to discuss with anyone else as I don’t want our phones going off all through labour!

From a midwife perspective - it’s a bit sad when dads are sat in the corner texting everyone updates rather than taking care of their partners.

bourbonbiccy · 29/08/2018 19:54

My hubby was with me, I told my mum when I was taken to my delivery suite, but explained to everyone that no one will be permitted in the suite until DS is here and then it will only be my mum until we are back home. But DS had to be taken to Neo Natal ward for a few days so we allowed some visitors to the hospital, but most were asked to come when we were home.
At the end of the day it's up to you guys, I couldn't think of anything worse than knowing everyone was outside waiting or even worse on the labour suite with us !!!!,

SwearyMaclary · 29/08/2018 19:56

Had great plans not to let a soul know (apart from DH obviously).

As it was DD arrived early on the day of a big family event. So EVERYONE knew.

Luckily my family are well-behaved and would never have dreamed of turning up at the hospital Grin

Cuddlykitten123 · 29/08/2018 19:57

Unless there is a need to tell them (They are babysitting older DC /need to pop in to feed the dog while you're in hospital etc.) then chatting on the phone giving updates will probably be the last thing in your mind!

SwearyMaclary · 29/08/2018 19:59

Everyone knew I’d gone into labour that should say...

MaryShelley1818 · 29/08/2018 19:59

Friends and family knew I was going in to be induced but I didn’t keep anyone updated I don’t think and it took 4 days for DS to appear!

GreenMeerkat · 29/08/2018 20:11

First time, my husband and my mum were with me and my Dad and MIL knew. Nobody else.

Second time, same situation but for some unknown reason (she doesn't usually do stuff like this) my DM checked into the hospital on Facebook so everybody knew! Luckily it was a short labour so birth announcement came shortly afterwards.

Chocwocdoodah · 29/08/2018 20:16

Totally understand that all parents/in-laws are different and some are a pain in the arse but I do find it a bit harsh when people seem outraged that grandparents might want to know when a grandchild is being born. I know I’d be heartbroken if my kids keep it a secret from me if/when they ever have their own babies.

CheesecakeAddict · 29/08/2018 20:33

I was working so pretty much everyone knew and then when I went into hospital and had the pethedine I sent stoned selfies to random people on my contact list. 😂
We weren't going to tell my husband's mum until after but luckily she was out of the country when I did go into labour. But she is full on and a doctor and the last scenario I needed was her finger up my flu.

Sparklywino · 29/08/2018 21:24

My dp and I disagreed on this, I wanted left alone, he wanted to Facebook check me in the the hospital labour ward!!!
As it is, it was long and slow and ended up with a section. My poor dad popped in on me at home at one point and promptly left as he couldn't handle me in pain bless him.
It was a wait and worry for family that could have been avoided if i was to do it again (which I won't lolGrin)

WhyTheHeckMe · 29/08/2018 21:26

With my first i told dh and my mum as they came to hospital. Then mil, my sis and dh sis.. also told my best friend as it seemed like the right thing to do.
Only 2 weeks later she went into labour and didn't tell me till her baby was born! Have to admit I was a little upset about it, because she sent me some lovely msgs during my labour and I felt like I would have liked to have done the same back! But she's a bit more of a closed book than me :)

MsSquiz · 29/08/2018 21:31

It will just be me and DH. His family are the worst for telling everyone everything!when DH's cousin's wife went into hospital DH's uncle text MIL to say she had had the baby, and were both doing fine. MIL then text me and 2 x SIL saying all was well. Half an hour passed and MIL gets another text saying "oops, actually they've just gone to hospital, no news as yet"

I was furious on Mum 2 be's behalf. She had gone into labour early and it wasn't straightforward with many complications and the last thing she needed was her FIL sounding the bloody jungle drums and not even getting his facts right!

TheGhostOfYou · 29/08/2018 22:14

Parents and PIL, both times

DD1 parents gave us a lift to the hospital, and then obviously with DD2 we needed someone to look after DD1!

wikedminx · 29/08/2018 22:19

With my first two I really had no choice about telling anyone!! I lived on an island and had to be flown on ambulance plane to the mainland! (which meant quite a few members of ex hubbys family knew! you cant keep a secret when living somewhere with only 3500 folks!!)
With my 3rd I was allowed out on the service plane as I was to be induced.. So had to ask my parents to look after the other two.
I have to say that I didnt feel that I was pressurised to tell folks.. It never crossed my mind to be honest...

wikedminx · 29/08/2018 22:24

Oh and when having my first, my darlingist mother was with me as well as ex hubby and my dad was popping in and out until things got really going (was a 20 hour labour!!) and bless him.. my dad who has a daft sense of humour (he went to France a couple of months ago - my pressie was a French Lidl handout!!) he went and got me a get well soon card whilst in labour.. I have to say that it did make me laugh! and its in my treasure box :D

Skittlesandbeer · 29/08/2018 22:34

I’m another one who wonders how you’ll explain not being reachable/doing your normal routine? It’s not so much about not telling people you’re in labour, it’s not making them worry unnecessarily and ramping up the drama when they can’t get hold of you both. It’s pretty obvious where you’ll be!

Yes, it’s unusual to have a very long labour, but you need to plan for it as a possibility. Mine was 24hrs, and that wasn’t uncommon in my mother’s group. What’s your Plan B for keeping everyone at bay, but not worried, if that happens?

This is why there are so many MN threads about this tell/not tell issue. Many have trouble getting their partners or family on board with a ‘leave us be, we’ll let you know when it’s done and it suits us’ strategy. On top of that, everyone is stressed/excited/reliving their own births. Even people who agree to sit patiently by their phone (looking at you Mum) can end up racing to the hospital and making a PITA of themselves for several hours!

I’m sure all will work out fine for you, but your strategy seems a little threadbare at this stage! Don’t forget to engage the help of hospital staff if you truly don’t want early visitors. Last line of defence.

LoniceraJaponica · 29/08/2018 22:42

"I’m another one who wonders how you’ll explain not being reachable/doing your normal routine?"

This is only a recent issue. DD was born before social media and smartphones, and I wasn't instantly contactable 24/7. If you have a permanent online presence people are bound to notice if you are missing.

Stupomax · 29/08/2018 22:45

This is only a recent issue. DD was born before social media and smartphones, and I wasn't instantly contactable 24/7.

I was just thinking the same. But I did have email and people noticed when I stopped replying and correctly guessed what was happening.

Skittlesandbeer · 29/08/2018 22:49

Oh, and to those posting who react with horror at the idea of ‘excluding’ relatives from knowing that labour is in progress, I say this:

Bully for you, that you have relatives who respect boundaries, understand it’s definitely ‘not about them’ and have basic common sense in tact. A brief round-trip to your local supermarket should confirm for you how rare this is.

If you feel you’d be ‘heartbroken’ to be kept at arms’ length from your own kids births, it seems to be primarily up to you to not be a dick for all the years leading up to it, no? It won’t be their fault if you end up reaping what you sow.

Or as my therapist put it ‘Your mother seems far more invested in the ‘grand’ part of becoming a grandparent, and not at all in the ‘parent’ part. If she can’t respect normal boundaries, you’ll have to do it for her.’

Isn’t it ironic that people with good boundaries get included in more things? Like updates on a birth?

Chocwocdoodah · 29/08/2018 22:53

Bloody hell, Skittles. I did acknowledge that some relatives are a pain in the arse. I do understand that. But if your relatives aren’t “dicks”, I think it’s a shame not to involve them by simply letting them know that labour has started.

Skittlesandbeer · 29/08/2018 22:54

Um... I’m pretty sure that even in the 1960’s when you were 9 months preggers and out of landline contact for 24hrs, people got worried or put 2+2 together. Especially if they couldn’t find your partner, either (assuming there was one).

I’m not a social media junkie, and have a loooong response time on text & email, but I still got found out within 2hrs of going into labour!

Zigazagazoo · 29/08/2018 23:01

My family knew when I was finally in labour but that was only fair to them to update, as I was on my 5th day of the induction process.

LoniceraJaponica · 29/08/2018 23:02

I didn't use email very much 18 years ago. Also, we live hundreds of miles away from family so I could have been in labour for several days and no-one would have been any the wiser.

DN4GeekinDerby · 29/08/2018 23:39

With my 1st, my husband told his parents as step-FIL was helping us move. Yes, it was probably as awkward as that sounds.

2nd, no one was told. That labour was really haphazard so it was never established until I felt the urge to push so we barely had time to tell the hospital before she arrived.

3rd, we told our two babysitters beforehand.

4th: Everyone. My planned babysitter went AWOL, no one could get a hold of him, so I ended up in a panic asking on facebook if anyone could watch my kids which means my sister saw which means my entire family knew. My husband called his parents once I was settled at the hospital which means pretty much everyone on his side knew. I didn't mind so much partially because labour but mostly because he did it while he went to the gift shop that I had been disappointed was closed when we left the hospital with our third to get me the ridiculous big congrats balloon I'd showed him. Thoughtful shiny and him then setting up my heat pack did help me forget.

Thankfully, our families and friends were and are great at giving us space. It really depends on what those near you are like and what support you need at the time - sometimes the best support is not dealing with them yet Grin

Bouncingbelle · 30/08/2018 00:14

I was admitted as an emergency (at 29 weeks preg) & it was planned i would have a c section 5 days later. I told my parents, PIL & sister and a few v close friends that i was in to have the baby. Everyone else was just told i was being admitted for bedrest. I just didnt see the need to worry them/ didnt want to have to constantly update people. The people i told are also great at respecting boundaries.

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