A mother working away?

[Berliner2018]

Just that really. Kids 10,12,13. The job is in Berlin, so basically commute from London to Berlin 4 days a week. I've only read threads about fathers working away, any mothers done this?

Honestly, I wouldn't do it if the only childcare was a live in nanny for 4 days a week. And I would say that to a man or woman. If they live with their Dad during those days, fine, but not a live in nanny. Especially not in the teen years.

Me and the DCs dad are separated, but he lives 10 min away and he sees the dc few times a week, and they sleep over one one day a week. Maybe I could get a live in nanny for the rest of the days.

You know that massively changes most people's answers, right?!!

I have worked abroad for up to 5 weeks at a time. DH is a SAHD, but the DD's still struggle. In fact, now they're older (8 & 11), they seem to struggle more than when they were babies.

I think I would only take the job if their Dad was 100% behind your plan and they spent most of their time there, especially the age of your children. What would you do if the nanny called in sick mid-week? I'm sorry, but there's no way I would leave my children with a nanny in those circumstances.

No man would ever wring their hands about this to this level. It's just assumed men are able, will have the necessary support, etc.

There are plenty of women in my social circle who work abroad, have gruelling shift patterns (think forces, security guards etc) and the key thing seems to be working out practicalities & a fair setup.

So the question shouldn't be whether having a vag stops you accepting such a role, it should be focusing on what the logistics look like, what support might look like, if the kids will be sufficiently cared for emotionally/literally.. and that might still lead to a no.... But it shouldn't be down to gender!

My sister did this with 3dcs. Her dh decided to take a step back from the corporate world and get a part time min wage job, while she stopped being a SAHM and resumed her career. She managed to keep it up for 2 years, she’d Skype every night, every Friday she’d fly home and they’d all meet her at the airport and go out for pizza. Their weekends were great - she loved them but her dh and her dcs had lower standards than her on the cleaning front so they hired a cleaner to have the house looking nice again for her at the weekends.
She became increasingly distressed by the arrangement, felt her dcs needed her, especially the younger one - he was 9 when she started to work again and after two years they decided that they would have to move back into one dwelling.
They all agreed to move to the city she worked in - all except the oldest,16. After a lot of soul searching he stayed in their old house with friends who were temporarily without a permanent home. That arrangement now seems to be working for them, the 16 year old visits weekends and holidays and they visit him too, he’s a sensible hard working kid.

I disagree that a man wouldn't question doing this. My Dad chose to take redundancy when his company wanted him to work abroad, and my DH would do the same in those circumstances. Of course, everyone is different (as is every family), and some people make it work, but there are some men who would find this a very difficult thing to do.

I know a professional woman, a single mother who has an 8 year old DC who has been working away from home (within the UK but too far to commute daily) 4 nights a week for the last few months. She has had a combination of a live in nanny for overnights and family members who help with drop off and pick ups and school holidays.

It's been OK she says, but it's not sustainable for her long term. She has now taken a contract close enough to home to commute daily.

Are the kids able to move in with dad and he become primary carer?

How much is the package worth? How long is the contract? Would the employer pay school fees?

In your circumstances I would only consider this on an expat package ie if

a. the children could come too and go to eg British School Berlin. This would ensure their education did not suffer. Indeed it might benefit from the experience. Given the ages of your DC this would only work if your contract was long enough to see them through GCSEs. These schools are expensive so would need to come with the package.

b. they went to live with their father during the week.

c. they went to (weekly) boarding school in UK. Again £££££ unless your employer would pay.

DH and I (who are still together) have done the European weekly commute in the past. It is hugely stressful even if you live close to the airport, can afford flexible tickets and have a good nanny/au pair/ family support to support the resident parent (assuming they are also in paid employment). The bottom line is you need to be earning ££££££ to make it financially worth while - fares, two households, nanny etc. And in your case you would be talking about 3 households - yours, your ex and a home in Berlin.

There is also a physical and emotional toll for all concerned.

Is there a reason why you can’t move the family to Berlin and have DCs fly to see their dad regularly instead of keeping two homes?

Me and the DCs dad are separated, but he lives 10 min away and he sees the dc few times a week, and they sleep over one one day a week. Maybe I could get a live in nanny for the rest of the days.

Eeep! No, that is very different and I'm not actually sure it's doable. Most live in nannies still only work a set number of hours in the day and will want to go out in the evenings etc. They won't want to do 24 hour wrap around care.

It would only really work if they lived with their dad during the week. Agree with other posters - couldn't you just all move to Berlin?

I have no experience but if they go to live with their Dad could that effect custody and your rights?

I would get proper advice first