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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wish I liked my nephew

53 replies

PetuniaSimpson · 28/08/2018 23:21

I'm so fed up of my nephew. I know I'm being unreasonable, but I really need to vent...

He's 8 and he's a nice kid, but he's very spoiled/babyish for his age and reeeaallly annoying. He's in and out of our house all day (lives across the street) and although I always say he's very welcome (and really wish I meant it) I really struggle not to find his presence deeply irritating.

He is allowed to go paint balling (and boasts about the experience) but it's not OK to ask him to take the rubbish out (something we routinely get our 6 year old & 4 year old to do). He is allowed to fly home from holiday by himself (when his grandmother is making the same journey by car) simply because he says 7 hours in a car is too boring for him. But he's not allowed to walk to school on his own (5 minutes' walk, no major roads, plenty of children younger than him doing the same journey unnaccompanied).

Recently he's decided that there's a cartoon character he's afraid of, so now he can't go anywhere (including to the toilet) on his own. So rather than looking into what cartoons he's been watching or trying to talk to him about it, SiL and MiL have been accompanying him to the toilet for the past 2 months.

At the same time, he is constantly trying to one-up his little cousins (my sons) shouting how he's bigger/better/braver and then hiding behind them when it comes to something like retrieving a ball that's gone over a fence. My 6 year old puts up with it and likes playing with him. My 4 year old has recently started noticing and calling him a baby. He doesn't like that much, but it hasn't changed anything.

When they're playing in our house or when I take them out, I make a point of treating them all the same. And I try to ignore a lot of what they get up to and how they speak to each other (because they're just little boys and a certain amount of one-uppy nonsense is inevitable) although I do intervene very firmly when I think someone's being mean/taking it too far.

I really like his mum (my SiL) and MiL is a kind and well-meaning woman (although in many ways thinks like a 6 year old herself and drives me up the wall slightly but I try to hide it. She pushed him around in a buggy til he was nearly 6 and still dresses him/ spoon feeds him/ carries his schoolbag etc etc... I do blame her I suppose...) so I bite my tongue and keep my complete lack of understanding to myself because I don't want to rock the boat.

DH feels the same way as I do (only more so, because she's his mother) and he's said things to SiL & MiL on numerous occassions, but they really don't want to hear anything about it, in their eyes the child is perfect. Which, on the one hand, is lovely that they see that. However... HE IS SO ANNOYING. I try not to talk to DH about it now because I don't want to wind him up/drive a wedge between him and his family.

And I do know it really isn't the child's fault. None of it. And I know it really isn't up to me to say anything because I'll just look like a judgey, interefering idiot. But, roll on school and not having him running round my house all day....

That's all. Thanks for reading.

OP posts:

Original poster

PetuniaSimpson · 28/08/2018 23:23

PS, no SN, before someone suggests that.

OP posts:

PorkFlute · 28/08/2018 23:28

Maybe SIL finds your judgement of her parenting (90% if which affects you in no way whatsoever) and your child calling hers a baby quite annoying too. He sounds a bit boastful (likely coming from insecurity) but your kids don’t sound perfect either.

DontTouchTheMoustache · 28/08/2018 23:29

I can't get on board with you repeatedly calling him annoying. He is just a child and all of the traits that "annoy" you sound like the choices the parents make. If that is the case then say that and dont call a child names

Singlenotsingle · 28/08/2018 23:29

A friend of mine (A) told me about another one of her friends (B) who had two little girls. Then she had a boy and the whole dynamic of the family changed. The boy was spoilt, cossetted and treated like a little prince. The friendship between A and B took a back seat. The boy was boss and turned into a spoilt, unlikeable brat.

Holidayshopping · 28/08/2018 23:33

He sounds hard work-I’d pretend to be out!

Mummymummums · 28/08/2018 23:42

Tbf a lot of little boys can be boastful.
I didn't know airlines let 8 year olds fly unaccompanied.

Notmyrealname85 · 28/08/2018 23:56

Spoilt kid - tricky clash of approaches to child raising here. It does affect you, you have to bite your tongue everyday!

BlueSky198080 · 29/08/2018 00:00

Are you in the States?

PorkFlute · 29/08/2018 00:03

How exactly does him flying unaccompanied, his parent accompanying him to the toilet or whether he walks to school on his own affect the op at all. She doesn’t have to agree or disagree.
Yes the showing off would be annoying but by her own admission her child calls his cousin names which is pretty mean.
And complaining that the 8yo nephew doesn’t take her bins out when her 4yr old does is weird and lazy imo. I’d have trouble biting my tongue about that! I’m all for kids picking up after themselves but that’s a step too far for a 4yr olds chores imo.

SleepWarrior · 29/08/2018 00:05

Kids are generally annoying though aren't they? Especially other people's children! Is it perhaps the 'in and out you house all day' that's the crux of the issue... I think I'd lose the plot if anyone who didn't actually live in my house could come and go as they please.

Also, other people's parenting can be eyebrow-raising (as is our own in return I'm sure). We're just all different, and that's really obvious when you're a bit on top of each other, as your in-laws are if they're across the street.

I'd just try to make a conscious effort to not let it annoy you (because once you've decided you're irritated your brain just searches for more annoying things and notices everything that might possibly bother you), and insist on a different arrangement for appearing at your house next school holiday.

serbska · 29/08/2018 00:05

8 is a really annoying age IMO, you just notice it less with your own chikdren! I thought lots of my children’s friends were highly annoying between the ages of 6 and about 12. I’m sure other parents thought the same about my chikdren!

NotTheFordType · 29/08/2018 00:06

How does your 4yr old reach up far enough to open the wheelie bin??

PutYourBackIntoit · 29/08/2018 00:07

8 year olds are annoying. Just wait and see!

PutYourBackIntoit · 29/08/2018 00:08

And 9 and 10 year olds!!

Tofffeee · 29/08/2018 00:08

I actually struggled empyting the kitchen bin earlier, how does a 4 year old do it easily

MardyMavis · 29/08/2018 00:09

Yabu for making a 4 year old take the rubbish out!

ashtrayheart · 29/08/2018 00:13

I think you might need to move house

PickAChew · 29/08/2018 00:15

No idea about the child, but his mum
sounds annoying.

Thesearepearls · 29/08/2018 00:17

I'm carefully trying to dissect what it is that is causing you annoyance

He's allowed to go paintballing - well so what
He boasts about the experience - was he boasting or telling you about it in the excited way that kids have?
He's allowed to fly home himself. That certainly is unusual - here in the UK most flight companies don't allow unaccompanied minors below the age of 14 (and I have been there). What a great experience for him and really enriching and should encourage his independence
He's not allowed to walk to school on his own. Well clearly that's bonkers but this is his fault why?
it's not OK to ask him to take the rubbish out. Who said that? Did he? Surprising btw. My DCs might have had a grumble about taking the rubbish out. But they did it (post grumble)
My 4 year old has recently started noticing and calling him a baby. He doesn't like that much, but it hasn't changed anything. You might want to clock the definition of bullying here. Just because a child is younger does NOT mean that they are not guilty of bullying behaviour
MIL pushed him around in a buggy til he was nearly 6 and still dresses him/ spoon feeds him/ carries his schoolbag etc etc...And this is his fault why?

I've reached the conclusion that you're entirely unreasonable. Please post further if you have any further explanations

Skittlesandbeer · 29/08/2018 00:19

The only aspect you have control of (and rights over) in this situation is how much time DN spends under your roof.

If you need longer breaks from supervising him (which I definitely would) you’ll have to create boundaries, communicate them to the family, and gently/firmly police them when he trots up.

It’s perfectly legitimate to say ‘Actually we run by different rules in this house, and we need more time as a household to consolidate those rules. By all means run different rules at your place, but then supervision falls to you. Xx hours a day of dealing with competing parenting philosophies is too tiring for me and too confusing for the kids.’

Let your family know on the day school goes back, so they are well versed for the next set of holidays (and can arrange alternative childcare for their little prince). If it’s a problem after school as well, draw up 2 copies of a weekly after school schedule, full of homework & clubs, and pin one at each house. Teach all the kids to check the schedule before asking for ‘playdates’ or coming over. Steer DN, kindly but firmly, home each time. Remind him of the schedule in front of SIL & MIL, they’ll get the message.

We created a ‘full shedule’ like this to put off neighbour kids who I was feeding half the week. It takes some creativity to fill in (I was desperate enough to add ‘headlice checks’ at one point!), but it worked. I stuck it to the fridge with a magnetic timer, which I’d ring surreptitiously if they were hovering. ‘Oops! Off home, everyone, schedule says time for x activity’. Only problem was I had to actually DO a bit of the activity, or my kid would have grassed on me!

jaynelovesagathachristie · 29/08/2018 00:23

Love the my sil is rubbish makes zero mention of dad

GunpowderGelatine · 29/08/2018 00:24

OP you will get grief rpm the pearl clutches who cannot believe that anyone would ever say anything less than adoring about children. But I think YANBU. It's very hard and dare I say it when it's not your sibling's child they're not as easy to love. DH's sister has a 4yo, the most spoiled bad tempered, pandered-to child I've ever known (yes I k ow not his fault but this doesn't make it easier when any days our revolve around his tantrums). Last time I was there he had such a horrendous paddy because he wasn't allowed to touch the (lit) barbecue SIL and BIL did their 'trick' to calm him down. This consisted of taking him into the living room with an iPad, while he sat with his dad (fair enough) but absolutely no one under any circumstances was allowed to enter the room. I had to leave without DD's shoes because they were in there. Apparently if anyone enters the room he goes beserk. He starts school next week, I'm not sure the teachers will have a room and an iPad and an hours free to use if he kicks off.

It's really hard and personally we've massively cut down on contact for now. Lock your front door, be firm and say "no we are having relaxing/family/chill time".

Also I think OP means her 4yo takes bags out to the bin, not the wheelie bin to the pavement (although I'd be impressed if he did 😂).

Maybe SIL finds your judgement of her parenting (90% if which affects you in no way whatsoever

I beg to differ, it affects the OP when he's allowed to run in and out her house all day

MistressoftheYoniverse · 29/08/2018 00:25

He sounds annoying as hell
Don't allow him to invade your home ..take back your space...just because others allow it you don't have to..

Thesearepearls · 29/08/2018 00:30

Love the my sil is rubbish makes zero mention of dad

Oh but MIL is rubbish too :)

Look I had no end of kids running in and out of the house at that sort of age. One of them turned up in her own (barbie) car which full on had an engine. I fed her pretty well 5 nights a week. It's the way it goes OP

There is miserable and mean and there is miserable and mean. Or depressed or whatever. Horrible to blame a small child.

cakedup · 29/08/2018 00:31

I'm reminded of a recent episode of OITNB Daya says something about how much she likes children and her mum Aleida says "don't be stupid. No-one likes children."

He is just a kid. Kids are annoying. Especially 8 year old kids. You need to try and change your perspective. Joke/banter with him, find the humour - kids are hilarious. You're letting your annoyance about the way he is parented get to you. He won't be like this forever and you could be an important adult in his life.

Btw, my mum was the same with my ds. Used to baby him, spoon-feed him until he was way too old, it used to drive me mad. But he is 13 now and all that has stopped. They won't be able to baby him forever.

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