Wish I liked my nephew

[PetuniaSimpson]

I'm so fed up of my nephew. I know I'm being unreasonable, but I really need to vent...

He's 8 and he's a nice kid, but he's very spoiled/babyish for his age and reeeaallly annoying. He's in and out of our house all day (lives across the street) and although I always say he's very welcome (and really wish I meant it) I really struggle not to find his presence deeply irritating.

He is allowed to go paint balling (and boasts about the experience) but it's not OK to ask him to take the rubbish out (something we routinely get our 6 year old & 4 year old to do). He is allowed to fly home from holiday by himself (when his grandmother is making the same journey by car) simply because he says 7 hours in a car is too boring for him. But he's not allowed to walk to school on his own (5 minutes' walk, no major roads, plenty of children younger than him doing the same journey unnaccompanied).

Recently he's decided that there's a cartoon character he's afraid of, so now he can't go anywhere (including to the toilet) on his own. So rather than looking into what cartoons he's been watching or trying to talk to him about it, SiL and MiL have been accompanying him to the toilet for the past 2 months.

At the same time, he is constantly trying to one-up his little cousins (my sons) shouting how he's bigger/better/braver and then hiding behind them when it comes to something like retrieving a ball that's gone over a fence. My 6 year old puts up with it and likes playing with him. My 4 year old has recently started noticing and calling him a baby. He doesn't like that much, but it hasn't changed anything.

When they're playing in our house or when I take them out, I make a point of treating them all the same. And I try to ignore a lot of what they get up to and how they speak to each other (because they're just little boys and a certain amount of one-uppy nonsense is inevitable) although I do intervene very firmly when I think someone's being mean/taking it too far.

I really like his mum (my SiL) and MiL is a kind and well-meaning woman (although in many ways thinks like a 6 year old herself and drives me up the wall slightly but I try to hide it. She pushed him around in a buggy til he was nearly 6 and still dresses him/ spoon feeds him/ carries his schoolbag etc etc... I do blame her I suppose...) so I bite my tongue and keep my complete lack of understanding to myself because I don't want to rock the boat.

DH feels the same way as I do (only more so, because she's his mother) and he's said things to SiL & MiL on numerous occassions, but they really don't want to hear anything about it, in their eyes the child is perfect. Which, on the one hand, is lovely that they see that. However... HE IS SO ANNOYING. I try not to talk to DH about it now because I don't want to wind him up/drive a wedge between him and his family.

And I do know it really isn't the child's fault. None of it. And I know it really isn't up to me to say anything because I'll just look like a judgey, interefering idiot. But, roll on school and not having him running round my house all day....

That's all. Thanks for reading.

3. He's allowed to fly home himself. That certainly is unusual - here in the UK most flight companies don't allow unaccompanied minors below the age of 14 (and I have been there). What a great experience for him and really enriching and should encourage his independence

I flew as an UAM from 6 years old to my dad, on short and long haul flights.
. It is perfectly normal and my son (10 years) does twice a year to his grandfathers

I had no end of kids running in and out of the house at that sort of age. One of them turned up in her own (barbie) car which full on had an engine. I fed her pretty well 5 nights a week. It's the way it goes OP

Is it fuck. No one is obligated to feed or accommodate anyone else's kids

you could be an important adult in his life.

This. You can't believe what a privilege it is to be an important adult in a child's life.

It's a joy really. Worth lots of incidental sausage and mash and ditzy mucking around in the garden.

give the poor kid a break. And please make sur eye can’t see your dislike. He doesn’t sound that bad at all - I think you become focused on the negatives and blown them out of proportion.

It will do your children good to learn how to cope with a different personality. Intervene if he is bullying them, gently correct any other annoying behaviour.

He will change loads over the coming years. He might be having to put up with some annoying behaviour for your children at some point, so model how best to cope.

Agree there is no need to have him in and out of your house when he likes, I couldn't bear that!
He might be a bit less annoying if you don't have to see him so much!

I couldn't cope with having him come round any time he liked. Youre babysitting

I also hate my nephew. He’s spoiled and over-indulged, he’s naughty and his mum lets him do whatever he wants even if we’re in my home and I’ve said no. And he constantly has a runny nose which just makes me feel sick. I’ve just reduced contact to the minimum. I feel hugely guilty for not loving him though!

I know it's awful to say a child is annoying but sometimes it's true. And it's not a label on the kid, it's the OPs opinion of him. My nephew is a similar age and i just can't gel with him. I look after him and his elder brother once a week, and i get on great with the well adjusted 11 year old who offers to help and chats with me, but the 8yo spends his time sulking or boasting or just in his room. I've tried to do stuff he's interested in but he thinks it's lame and opts out. I do think it's a phase though, as he's not always been like this. Parents aren't together and i think there are some issues there.

Anyway, i hope this is a phase, and that he starts to become a little more self aware and considerate. Otherwise it'll be an entitled teenager on your doorstep, which sounds worse!

To put my comments into context I was not a sahp

But whenever I was at home the kids' friends and relatives had free rein to run in and out as they would

It's lovely OP - seriously lots of fun. You end up chatting with them all, feeding them all and playing with them all

Now the kids are adult. they are all friends now. It feels that there's a whole generation of new connections. You're cutting something out that you will regret in the future.

In fact one waif and stray - fed him more times that you could ever account for - he just turned up in the way that kids do. He was a very clever kid and I was interested in him. He had a particular way - he was self defining in the way that he learned and was bright as a button

He's just starting at Cambridge in October with my own DS. The kids will be lifelong friends. And partly because I fed them lots of spag bol and sausage and mash and gave them houseroom and listened when they were clustered around my piano singing and playing and put plasters over grazes and played rounders with them.

You're cutting off your nose to spite your face here OP.

@Thesearepearls not everyone is the same as you though. This would not be my idea of fun at all, I'm quite an introvert even where children are concerned and like my own space. I can just about tolerate my own children
The OP is entitled to feel how how she does without being told how much fun it is having children in and out the house

I'd ignore Thesearepearls, she seems to be having her annual hallmark memory moment on your thread, just a glitch hopefully.

I personally can not stand 99.7% of children and I'm pretty sure my three rotate through that figure occasionally, it's more than normal, you don't like every adult you meet so why is it expected to like every child you know? They all have their own irritating 'quirks' and there are some kids that just make me cringe.

However, a lot of the blame is due to their parents/guardians and environment so it's not fair at all to express your dislike of a child out loud, especially to them, their parents or half of MN apparently.

You could try and make an effort to do some work against the strange ways your SIL & MIL have treated him but really sounds like you'd be fighting against the tide.

Could you perhaps move? Fit a complicated lock system or get a pet that SIL & MIL wouldn't want their precious baby around?

Op, sometimes you have to take a breath and say thank goodness he is not mine. Focus on the things you do like about him, and remember if he is a spoilt brat it's not his fault.
Set rules for behaviour while at your house. Give him a warning then send him home. For really bad behaviour ban him for 24 hours. You can have family time where there are no play dates, like Friday night or Sunday afternoon. I think if he has to behave at your house, he probably won't want to visit as often.

With respect These the thought of kids running in and out of my house all day and having to feed them doesn't sound like fun itv sounds like a nightmare. An expensive one. And I suspect the vast majority of parents would agree

He's just starting at Cambridge in October with my own DS. The kids will be lifelong friends. And partly because I fed them lots of spag bol and sausage and mash and gave them houseroom and listened when they were clustered around my piano singing and playing and put plasters over grazes and played rounders with them.

Hate to burst your bubble but I don't think he's going to Cambridge because you shovelled spag Bol innto him, but this whole set up sounds middle class as fuck and I suspect that's more to do with why he got in. I'm going to take a punt that you live in a naice area, some places in the U.K. it would be very unwise to let the local 'waifs and strays' wander into your home (and so many people wouldn't have room in their garden to play tiddlywinks let alone a game of sodding rounders)

MN is the gift that keeps on giving, though. "My nephew wanders in and out of my house and I hate it". Solution: "Invite more kids and play rounders"

I'd hate to have someone else's child running in and out of my house all day. I'm an introvert and need my personal space

Can't you set specific times for him to visit rather than the current free for all?

Thesearepearls is presumably parodying the pearl clutchers who won't have anything said against any child, and doing it very amusingly.

Many kids are v annoying. Some are spoilt and just like adults not all kids have nice personalities. On mumsnet though many people will not allow this. I would be trying to scale back the visits tbh.

Unless you may be one of those people who tell/infer how to raise their kids and so your sil has said "here you do a better job then"

Mumsnet, I love you!!

Thanks for these gems, people. Some of these responses had me laughing out loud (for all different reasons) and thank you especially to those who understood & sympthathise.

For the record (if anyone cares):

• I have never told him or behaved as if I dislike him. As I said, I treat him the same as my own when he's with me. I do not tolerate/encourage bullying from any of them - this is one of the times when I "firmly intervene." I am also hugely aware (as I said before) that it is not the child's fault. I don't blame him at all. I just find him very hard work to be around.

• I have never complained about him to his mother/grandmother. I like them and do not want to put tension into the family dynamic. Their way of parenting is nothing like mine, but I accept that I (& my children) are not perfect either and it's not my place to be judgemental. I just needed to vent about it last night and anonymously on mumsnet seemed like the least harmful place to do so.

• I have no problem with having kids in my house (I have 4 of my own, 5 including this nephew who's around most of the time, plus little friends in and out most days. Yes, they're all annoying sometimes (even/especially my own) but this one takes the biscuit.

• I accept the situation like it is... I'm not "cutting off my nose to spite my face", I'm having an anonymous whine in mumsnet because I accept that this child is part of my family and I would never ban him from visiting/ playing with his cousins. And yes, I have high hopes that perhaps one day he will overgrow being like this.

• Thank you to the person who suggested that my kids take the rubbish out because I'm too lazy to do it myself, this had me laughing out loud! Yup, that's precisely why I encourage my children to help around the house. It has nothing to do with the fact that, at this age, they really enjoy and get a kick out of being helpful and I love to encourage them to do so. I actually only had kids because I'm too lazy to take my own rubbish out... man, it's really been worth it!

-For those of you concerned about the logistics of how my children are able to take the rubbish out... our kitchen bin is tiny (think one of those small bags for putting fruit in) so easy for a child to carry and sometimes needs taking out a couple of times a day. Plastic waste bag is a bit larger but very light. Ditto paper. I don't let them take the glass (yet). The wheelie bins themselves have different coloured lids to differentiate which is which. There is a low wall next to them and the 4 year old climbs on this to open the lid. I expect some of you will think this sounds horribly dangerous, but I don't, and the kids really enjoy doing it and don't find it difficult. Our bins are reasonably clean too because another of MiL's (more helpful, she's not all bad) quirks is she likes scrub them every week or so.

• I think the minimum age for flying unnaccompanied varies depending which airline you fly with. Some will take them at 5. And I have no problem with him flying unnaccompanied, I just think it's really weird when his grandmother is driving the same journey the same day (boring reasons for why she had to drive, couldn't fly with him) that they bought him a plane ticket (for more than 100€) just because he said the car journey was too boring for him. That's it. Also, I don't care about him going paintballing, I just think if he's able to do that he should also be able to take himself to the toilet etc etc...

Anyway, thanks again for reading and making me laugh with or without sympathy. I feel much better now.

MN is the gift that keeps on giving, though. "My nephew wanders in and out of my house and I hate it". Solution: "Invite more kids and play rounders"

Have you considered sending all 5 back across??

It happens sometimes, Aprilshowersinaugust... but SiL works full time out of the house (I work part time, from home) plus we have more child-proofed space (my littlest ones are only 2 years old) so ultimately more practical for them to be here... guess it's my own fault for having so many of them

Other people's kids are annoying.

I rode a bus to work that was full of them 5 days a week, between them and my large family I could write a book on how annoying kids are.

YANBU. I DN lives near me too and wants to be at my house all the time that DSC are here. DN is spoilt and rarely hears no (from one parent at least) which makes looking after her harder as I wont let her have eveything she wants/her own way so she sulks (and gets sent home).
He parents can parent in whatever way they choose, but at my house, its my rules. If DSC are doing chores, DN has to join in too or leave.

Loved this thread op and your attitude towards the responses, some hilarious. Thesearepearls your responses are my favourite and as a grandparent carer will bear them in mind when I am grumpy and irritated by other people's kids tramping in and out of my house. I dont know why, but you remind me of a female character from About a Boy - bet you sang Killing me Softly. MN, the gift that keeps on giving.