To not say sorry

[Letsgetreadytorumbleagain]

Just had a big argument with OH, and I'm so angry that I've just come to bed to get away from him (which he says is childish) an I can't think straight.

It sounds so petty but we came down from putting the kids to bed and he couldn't find the remote. I said I didn't know where it was as DS (nearly 6) was watching the tv whilst I was making dinner. DH said that I should have been watching what he was doing with it, and not using dinner as an excuse.

He said things like this always happen when I'm with the kids and that he always knows what they are doing (fwiw he never cooks dinner apart from putting pizzas in the oven if umm not here and he gets home 15 mins before the kids go to bed every night).

He was getting angry saying how fucking ridiculous it that we couldn't find it and I'm always losing stuff. I said you can't watch the children (DS and DD (18 months)) all the time as I have to do stuff. He said I was being pathetic and should just apologise and not make excuses all the time

I said it's not my fault so I'm not apologising - aibu?

Just to add - I feel like he blames me for everything, he can't control the kids and is always saying to me - can't you sort them out

He's flexing his muscles! Using foul language to his wife too which is not on.

Leave him with the kids for a fairly long period and see what goes wrong, he won't have you to blame.

That's a lot of aggression for a remote control. Is it happening more and more often? It sounds worrying, especially if there is a pattern and this isn't just a one-off.

YANBU. If it's at all possible, I'd take a couple of days off. Let him supervise, entertain, feed and clean up after 2. My OH does so for 4 hours a week, during which time he ignores them and does loads of chores. Which is great, but unsustainable. Time you had a few days off, then maybe come home and do the washing 😜

This is about far more than the TV remote, time for a serious talk about how he feels about your relationship!

He wants you to watch a 6 year old with a remote? For real? You should sit and watch telly with your child and when dinners not done when he gets home say sorry I was watching our child with the remote.

On another note you need to book some time away and totally leave him with the kids see if he grows eyes on the back of his head

I have been away for a few days a couple of times and nothing ever goes wrong for him, although I do make sure he's got food/dinners that can be put straight in the oven or microwave or he takes them out. Also the house is immaculate when it's him but I'm not that bothered by the kids toys etc that I just tidy up at the end of the day - much to his frustration

So he thinks he's right, it's fine when he's in charge so it must be might fault

He doesn't have the mental load to deal with though - I sort out everything for the children and the house, but he does some washing, cleaning and cutting the grass

He thinks I'm lazy - that's the real problem I guess

sounds like he needs to wear dinner

He sounds like a dick. Really.

Him thinking you are lazy is not the real problem, OP - and I think a part of you knows that.
I assume this isn't a one off?
So much of what you describe here is familiar to me, and it didn't end well for me.
All I would say about your AIBU is no. If you apologise now for something you haven't done, you will always be apologising for things you haven't done.

Stop precooking for him when you go away!

The remote is a total and utter red herring. He sounds resentful of you in some strange, bitter and twisted way.

You need to stop pre-cooking for him when you are away.

YANBU

Are you both working?

Hes being a dick and you have nothing to say sorry for

I would have found the remote and shoved it up his ass

Also the house is immaculate when it's him but I'm not that bothered by the kids toys etc that I just tidy up at the end of the day - much to his frustration

I bet you spend your time playing with them and he doesn't as he prioritised doing jobs. He sounds like a bit of an idiot. I am not sire what to suggest you do about it but probably a serious chat is needed.

@eggsandwich I’d hide his work shoes so in the morning he can’t find them, and then say why can’t you find them, I always know where mine are and I’m looking after two children as well.

This ^

@Letsgetreadytorumbleagain although I do make sure he's got food/dinners that can be put straight in the oven

Well, knock that on the head for a start, until he has started to do it for you.

Most men seem to think that SAHMs are living an idle life. I am guessing you in no particular order cook, clean, shop, garden, paint and decorate, change beds, do school runs and parent meetings,chauffeur to parties and playdates, entertain and educate the children including homework and projects, attend school nativity/sports days etc., walk/clean pets, and vets, organise family social life and holidays, deal with medical appointments and ill relatives, shop, buy and wrap gifts for family and friends for birthdays and Christmas, write and send cards, deal with bills and that if there is entertaining of F&F to be done, it falls to you to plan menus, shop and cook.

If you can find it, there is a brilliant audio book (trying to recall the title) about hosting Christmas which totally nails it, and is hilarious.

Oh yes, he can definitely fuck off.

Circle I am very impressed by your 5 year old, top forward planning there! We could all learn something from that!

Stop pre cooking for him when you go away.

YANBU. Sorry is a very overrated word anyways.

So on his next day off you are going for a nice walk, bit of shopping, maybe a drink and he is looking after them all day and cooking dinner from scratch and you are coming home 15 minutes before bedtime yes?

I bet he does a mad clean up before you get home when he's looking after them, its easy to make it look easy once in a while, when you know you can rush around before the other half gets home and make it all perfect in the safe knowledge you haven't got it all to do again tomorrow and the next day. DH has always been the stay at home parent, I can be the perfect parent with the perfect house for a day or two, I can do a quick tidy up just before DH gets home if he goes away for a few days, but longer term it can stay messy til I get round to it, I might even leave toys out overnight.