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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To send my df a shitty text?

63 replies

smigglepiggle · 28/08/2018 18:42

So, it's my birthday, understandably after a Bank Holiday the post is a bit skewed so cards from usual people haven't arrived yet. I have however had a text or a call from people as well.

Not heard anything from my dad at all. Not even a text. He has been on Facebook though posting random crap. Hmm

Dad is retired, near my house, will not be doing anything but sitting around watching tv and has quite clearly forgotten. He is old but has alerts set up on his phone so shouldn't forget to at least text me.

WIBU to send him a text at 10pm saying "Yes, why thank you for asking! I've had a lovely birthday."???

OP posts:
ZanyMobster · 28/08/2018 21:14

I really don't understand MN when it comes to adult birthdays, literally no one I know in RL doesn't 'do' birthdays but on MN it is childish to want anyone to remember or mark an adult birthday. I would be hurt if my parents forgot, random mates fair enough but close friends and family I just think it's thoughtless.

Not sure if there is anything you should say really, I wouldn't necessarily say anything sarcastic, if I said anything it would be the truth, that I was hurt they had forgotten.

TeddybearBaby · 28/08/2018 21:33

I think there’s more to it. Your dad seems to let you down and never prioritise you and that’s hurtful. I agree with you, can’t you just have one day of being number 1 fgs!! Say something if you like - might feel better to get it off your chest.

Happy birthday!!! 💞💐🎀

CardsforKittens · 28/08/2018 21:47

I'd send a text saying:
Happy Birthday to me
Happy Bitthday to me
Happy Bitthday to me-ee
Happy Birthday to me!

If he replies saying 'oh shit, sorry I forgot, hope you had a great day' then maybe you can let him off.

If he doesn't reply, go round there, and you give him the bumps.

Original poster
smigglepiggle · 28/08/2018 21:49

Yeah, there is a lot more to it and the relationship has its fair share of issues.
I've not text him, it's not worth the calories spent typing the message. My dm was always amazing at birthdays and Christmas. She would really carefully pick out presents and cards - she hated giving money as she said it was impersonal.

After she died my dad just gave us a cheque, then he met his partner and the cheque amounts dwindled (and our partners get the same amount now too), I don't care about the money but I hate the fact that there's no thought or personality to it.

The fact I've not received a card (which could have been handed to me last week, put through the letterbox) or even just a text to acknowledge the day really hurts. It's almost like even though he would have had a calendar reminder he couldn't even drag himself away from a crossword to see how it was going. For his birthdays I buy thoughtful presents, make a point to go and see him and always text him asking how his day was.

Childish perhaps by if this was a reverse I bet enough Mumsnetters would be having a huge go at the person who didn't acknowledge their child's birthday - age irrelevant.

OP posts:
Original poster
smigglepiggle · 28/08/2018 21:53

@CardsforKittens I think I'd break his hip if I did that GrinGrin

OP posts:
mrshectic · 28/08/2018 21:57

He is of the male variety and of older generation, some of you may say that's no excuse, but if I asked my Dad when my birthday or siblings was he wouldn't know...probably take a few attempts and may even get right in the end.
I certainly wouldn't take it personally...but thankfully my Mum is still around and so always sorts those things out...
They do just tend to bumble along unless reminded WinkGrin

wafflyversatile · 28/08/2018 21:58

My mum has dementia and was the person who wrote cards and when I reminded my dad of my impending birthday he said. Ah you're not needing any more birthday cards at your age. So there you go. No point being in the huff.

Mokepon · 28/08/2018 22:00

Happy Birthday, Op 🍰🎂🍰🎂🍰🥂
It's very crappy. Some men especially seem to see it as a badge of honour to 'forget' dates.
I get a text usually on my birthday from my parents, usually within 30 seconds of each other.
And then cats bum face at the next time I see them as it's rude of me not to have thought to travel the hour long journey with 2 kids after working ft all week to pick up my gift Confused.
Slowly learning not to give a shit.

MortyVicar · 28/08/2018 22:01

For his birthdays I buy thoughtful presents, make a point to go and see him and always text him asking how his day was.

Then stop. Not to be tit for tat, but because however hard you try, however much thought and effort you put into his birthday, he's not going to slap his forehead and turn into the loving, caring dad you want him to be. You can't buy the affection he obviously can't be arsed to give.

I don't intend that to sound nasty about you, not at all. But he is, or has become, self obsessed so everyone else - including you - comes very low down/nowhere on his list of priorities. Try to accept what he's like and let him go, and build your life to suit yourself.

LaContessaDiPlump · 28/08/2018 22:02

Next time you go round, write SMIGGLE'S BIRTHDAY in great big letters on his calendar. Add a shiny sticker if you have space. When he gets a new calendar next year, do the same.

Repeat until one of you dies and then he might get the message!

puzzledlady · 28/08/2018 22:03

How old are you? My dad regularly forgets my birthday, but he’s old. It’s not a big deal really (to me anyway). No need to start a row though......

TeddybearBaby · 28/08/2018 22:04

I think it’s that he wouldn’t forget the partners birthday or something ‘important’ to him. I think when you lose your mum you lose your dad as well in a way. It’s hard to accept!

incywincybitofa · 28/08/2018 22:15

Why didn't you invite him to celebrate part of the day with you if he's on his own with nothing to do?

HidingFromMyKids · 28/08/2018 22:18

I just wouldn't even initiate a conversation from here and see how long it takes.

When he finally got in contact I would say-

Ohhhhh sorry I thought we weren't talking to each other, yano seen as though you didn't bother on my birthday Hmm

Buuuuut my dad is not that old and has been useless and quite frankly a shitty person for as long as I've known him.

Also I can be petty like that Smile

Elephant14 · 28/08/2018 22:26

Its my birthday today too Smiggle; I was meant to be away for a few days but DDs illnesses forced us to return early, everyone disappointed. And I got 7 cards. Quite a few people said happy birthday on facebook, but my best friends all forgot despite them having major events for their birthdays requiring whip rounds which I organise, and expenditure for tickets, hotels etc.

Both my parents are dead, so I am very grateful that my cousins and Aunt remembered, and of course I have cards and gifts from my DDs, even STBXH coughed up some alcohol. All round, I think I would be very upset if I was you that my dad didn't remember. I assume he has form? Sad

Thesearepearls · 28/08/2018 22:28

There's a whole back story to this, isn't there?

FWIW my (adult) DD forgot my birthday. And mother's day. I don't doubt she loves me it's just that she is busy and stuff. Besides, in life there are some people you can take for granted. As far as my DD is concerned I want to be one of those people. She doesn't have to make a huge fuss of me, she knows I'm not bothered and she knows I'll always be there. Maybe that's how it is.

Original poster
smigglepiggle · 29/08/2018 12:04

UPDATE:
Post has been and no card. Also no text.

Within my rights to send a text now - maybe more of an upset one than a sarcastic one though.

OP posts:
CrossFlannelCherry · 29/08/2018 12:20

To be honest, most men I know are like this. They expect their partners to remember birthdays and anniversaries. My brother, a widower, hasn't acknowledged my birthday or my children's since his wife passed away 16 years ago. Until a couple of years ago I had never forgotten his or his (now adult) children's, but feeling petty I decided to ignore his birthday. When he paid us a rare visit (he lives abroad) he mentioned his birthday in passing and then a few minutes later said "You didn't send me a birthday card", I said "I know". Carried on chatting, then he said "Why didn't you send me a birthday card?", I said "When was the last time you sent me or the kids one?" "Fair comment" was his response. To be fair since then he sends me a GIF message on my birthday.

Bestseller · 29/08/2018 12:23

Obviously you're upset that he's forgotten about the but what on earth would starting a fight over it achieve?

LaContessaDiPlump · 29/08/2018 12:38

Cross funny how they can remember when prompted, isn't it Grin but nice that he acknowledged you were right and has started to send a message each year. That's progress!

Wolfiefan · 29/08/2018 12:42

Honestly I would stop expecting him to remember or do anything for your birthday. Leave it. Go no contact if you have to. But don't let whether he sends a card or not define how good a birthday you have. Make your own plans and live your own life.

Maelstrop · 29/08/2018 13:01

Is your birthday on Facebook? As he’s on there so much, then stick it on there, or say thanks to everyone for your birthday wishes, nice some of you remembered!

Deathraystare · 29/08/2018 13:06

Well, ok - no to the arsey text to him but maybe put stuff on facebook - lovely birthday - paying for it now- mega headache/gut ache! etc etc. Mind you I bet he won't pick up on it cos he probably thinks he sent a card!!

Onlyjoinedforthisthread · 29/08/2018 13:43

If someone older than 12 reminded me it was their birthday in two days time I'd make sure I forgot too, I'm sorry but to me it comes across as asking for a present

Original poster
smigglepiggle · 29/08/2018 13:57

I don't want a present! I just want my dad to remember that I exist! I spend so much time running after him, making sure him and his dp have their shopping, post and various medications, ferrying him to hospital when she gets admitted constantly because she won't quit smoking despite having horrendous lung issues.

I've already resigned myself to the fact he won't ever spell my kid's name correctly, forgets my husbands name and makes snarky comments about his line of work, won't attend his own granddaughter's wedding, spend Christmas Day with her family rather than ours despite saying try never would spend it with ether, he will constantly tell me how beautiful and clever his partner's granddaughter is (same age as one of his own grandchildren) or he'll happily let his partner throw away our family photo albums. I just thought, just maybe for one very brief second, he may actually remember, thanks to his phone calendar alerts that it was my birthday - a day he often tells all and sundry was one of the happiest days of his life - and send me a text saying have a good day.

There is obviously a lot to this and I have refrained from going nc over the last ten years - something both my siblings have done - and it may seem arbitrary to some but it really means a lot to me.

So I think I'm going to have to go nc because although this is a silly non-issue, in the grand scheme of things it's the last straw.

I did end up texting him, simply saying "You know it was my birthday yesterday, right?" And I've not had any reply whatsoever. Silence speaks volumes.

OP posts:
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