To make her go?

[IAmLordVoldemort]

DD is 3.5. She’s a wee angel, very well behaved generally. However, she’s very cautious. Always has been. She was never a climber as a baby, she isn’t much of a fan of running about wild. She likes to read, imaginative play with her dolls for hours etc.

I have signed her up for a few classes as this is her last year before school and im keen to build her confidence a bit. She also goes to nursery three days per week. She loves it there but staff say she’s quite shy and a bit timid.

Anyway. One of these classes is a swimming class. I think confidence in the water is important. She had her name on the waiting list for these lessons (which are well sought after) for ages and has now done two of them. She seems to enjoy them when she’s there.

However, at the very end of the last lesson the instructors had the kids (four of them, all same age as DD) jump into the baby pool (pretty much into the instructors’ arms). DD did it at the time, after some persuasion, but told me afterwards that she didn’t like it.

Now she’s saying she isn’t going back tomorrow. Doesn’t like swimming and that’s it.

I know that she’s only 3.5 and has years ahead of her to learn to swim. But tbh I’m not sure what the best thing to do is. They are great lessons and the other kids all love them.

She does this quite often, will enjoy something then something minor puts her off. In times gone by o have just let it go. She didn’t like ballet so we didn’t go back to that, for example. I just want her to enjoy herself.

But this class seems like such a good wee opportunity for her. DH thinks we should persuade her to go but I’m just not sure.

My DN was like this. I’m torn - it was the only activity my DPs made us do. My DN used to beg me to take her when she was younger but it never happened. My DB then started to talk to her about lessons when she was about 6 and she just wouldn’t even discuss it and flat out refused. A year later, I took her with my DH...and she loved it! Jumping in, face in the water, the lot! I did have to work up to it and tell her that if she wanted we’d just sit on the edge and dangle our legs, but she said she’d go in, if she could stand up. She now begs me to take her and I’m fearful for my Brazilian blow dry....😂

I'd definitely make her go but stop the jumping in. You want her to go and have a nice time again at least a couple of times even if she then still says she isn't keen. You don't want her to be able to ditch it straight away because she has had a bad time either, you don't get that luxury as you age with things like work if you have bills to pay.

I was made to jump in the pool at school etc and hated it. As an adult I am rubbish at front crawl, would have to try and backstroke my way out of danger! I hate swimming and water and pools and usually steer clear. I don't feel like I miss out but I have a definite aversion to it.

Swimming lessons from 4 years old were none negotiable for DD. It’s such a vital skill imo. Nervous at first but then grew to love it and the swimming cossie shopping trips with purple goggles etc all helped on the bribery front too.

My daughter was the same, loved swimming for first few lessons then suddenly refused to go. She was 4 at the time. I remember taking her and sometimes had to literally drop her in he water (shallow end btw) and walk away to the seats to watch. She refused to jump in or swim without arm bands.
I switched her lessons to a smaller class with more one to one and not an armband in sight and within 2 months she was swimming And going under the water.
By the time she got to 5 she could do a whole length and also jump in the deep end.
She's 8 now and loves swimming and is good at it.
It's a life skill every child needs and as much as it broke my heart at the time I'm so glad I made her keep going.

Swimming is the only thing activity that I make 5yo DS do and it's non negotiable. He was very very afraid of the water and at his first swimming lesson just after his 4th birthday he screamed and cried for the entire session. Non stop. The swimming teachers were fantastic with him and built it up really slowly, in the first session they basically just carried him up and down the pool.

He's been going for a year now and he can swim unaided with a float, will happily dunk his head underwater and jump in from the side.

As others have said I would take her back but ask them not to do the jumping. Learning to swim is important but I think for nervous children taking it slow is the best way.

My situation is in no way yours but thought it might be helpful to share. My parents took me to every swimming lesson going for years (throughout primary school). I hated it and the smell of chlorine still physically makes me shake and my heart race. I can tell you exactly what scent shampoo I had (orange) because the smell made me feel relieved the lesson was over for another week. By contrast, I have a 3.5 DS and he's been going to weekly swimming classes since 10 months. He absolutely loves it! It's important to learn, but there's no rush. If it were me I would give it some time and let it happen at her own pace. There are some kids in his class that scream for most of the lesson and it makes me so sad. (For what it's worth, I can now do a rubbish backstroke and a dodgy front crawl so won't drown)

The lesson's not for another week?

Just leave it for now, and then when the time comes for the next lesson, play it down, but go.

Let her know she doesn't have to jump in.

But it's not just about learning to swim; it's learning a bit of resilience, as well. And this can be done in a gentle way, by showing her that she's more capable than she realises she is.

That slowly but surely builds confidence.

I honestly think resilience is one of the most - if not the most - important skills we can teach our kids.

It's all well and good saying, 'oh no, you don't have to do it if you don't want to, darling', and I get that she's only 3.

But this doesn't have to be a big deal. I think defaulting to the easy option (let's face it, for you too) isn't necessarily the best in the long term.

No the lesson is tomorrow afternoon.

I’m going to take her and ask that they don’t ask her to jump into the pool this week. If she gets on ok then maybe next week she can jump in holding hands. I really want her to keep going but I don’t want to scare her off altogether, so this seems a good compromise.

Of course it would be easier for me to not take her but I don’t want to default to that every time she says she doesn’t like something. I do believe that kids need to learn that sometimes we all need to do things that we don’t like, out of our comfort zones etc. But at the same time she is only little and I wasn’t sure it was a hill worth dying on at this stage.

My ds was like that until 6. Desperately nervous. I got private lessons where he went for a lesson for each day for a week with a guy who specialised in helping nervous swimmers. He took off. Now one of his many hobbies ( in his 20s) is cliff jumping. Sometimes l wish l had left him quaking at the side.
I would definitely ask to leave jumping in for a while.

Can I ask, those of you with nervous children like my DD... does it ever frustrate you? I never, ever show it. I am nothing but patient and kind and reassuring. But sometimes, like when we go to a party at the soft play and all the other kids are jumping and diving around and DD is nervously watching...I can’t help but feel a little frustrated. I don’t like to see her left out (which is ultimately what happens).

Wouldn’t change her for a second though.

I was probably that nervous child and I suspect it did frustrate my DM from time-to-time (and I don't blame her).

She did definitely push me to do things I often really did not want to do at the time. But although I often hated being pushed, the reality was never as bad as I feared it would be (as she well knew), and looking back, I am really thankful for being gently pushed, or encouraged, or whatever you want to call it.

If she'd have 'protected' me each and every time cautious old me didn't want to do something, I really don't think I'd have had the confidence, not just to do loads of things as an adult, but to also know I could get through situations that as humans, we all have to face from time-to-time (and that really aren't the end of the world that we think they are).

Is she nervous or a bit frightened? Can you put younger dc in nursery to enable you to take her yourself and try to build jumping in, in to it? Perhaps she just needs some reassurance or if it’s somethin else if you go with her you stand a good chance of getting to the bottom of it as it is a life skill and does need to be done, but she may need help and understanding the reason behind it all is key

DD was nervous as a young child and still hates climbing/heights now she’s in high school.

I found that if I was with her (or she could see me) she used me as an emotional anchor/crutch and was worse. When I left her or wasn’t within her eyesight, she would be better. People would often tell me how much she’d achieved while I wasn’t there but if she saw me you could see the emotions rise in her. We are their comfort afterall and I think they can sometimes find it hard to let go of their comfort zone if they can see us.

She’s now much more confident but I definitely raised her with an element of not making eye contact in these circumstances

Make her go but not jump in. I was forced to jump in as a kid buy a horrible swim instructor and I'm still terrified of water in my late 30s.

DD is a bit like that Whaaaat - like if we go to a party she is only interested in playing or sitting me with me rather than the other kids.

Can she articulate why she doesn't like jumping in? My DC used to come out of lessons saying they didn't like it, on questioning it turned out they didn't like the water going up their nose. So I explained about breathing to prevent this, and they were more than happy to have a go next time. They also often come out of lessons saying they don't like them, they are too hard, but given a few days to think about what they have learnt, they start asking for more lessons. It is also important to find a teacher who is a good fit for the personality of your child. We are just about to start group classes rather than 1-2-1 and I'm not sure if it will suit my DC, but we'll give it a go for a term and go back to occasional 1-2-1 if it doesn't work.

She’s woken up full of the cold this morning actually 😕 should they swim with colds?

My youngest was very shy, timid and nervous. So was I, when I was little. My mum used to make me do things I hated so I was determined not to do the same. Encourage, yes, force, no.

We did used to get a few snide comments from family members with more robust offspring.

Now my daughter is a successful and independent young woman and travels all over the world on her own.

My daughter is the same age. She doesn't want to go but once she's gone she always says she's had fun and seems pleased with what she's achieved. I explain to her that it's important she knows how to swim in case she falls in water and if she hated lessons we wouldn't make her go but please could she give it one more try before deciding for sure. She said OK. But I think she didn't want to go as she prefers messing about in the water with us, not because she was scared so not sure quite the same thing

She sounds like a cautious child. Nothing wrong with that. Rather that than a boisterous over confident one. Praise her for it, take her concerns seriously and allay her fears but let her go at her own pace. She will fly in her own time.

If she's up to it yes with a cold. If temp or feeling rubbish then I'd leave it. Same as yourself.

No temp or anything just a stuffy nose.

OP if she doesn't swim now because of a sniffly nose then she's going to realise she doesn't always have to go. I hope it went well.

I'd Miss it for this week (just tell her you can't take her as you've all got something else to do) and go to the next lesson, gives her abit of time to get over her worries

whether or not swimming is an essential skill is irrelevant, 3.5 is too young for 'proper' swimming classes, these are (I am assuming) baby/water confidence/play classes.

(If they aren't take her out as she is too young, most places won't take them for proper lessons until they are 4-4.5)

So it isn't about swimming really, it is about confidence and encouraging her to go beyond her comfort zone.

Really hard. I would take her and be quite laid back and willing to back off and leave if she is unhappy. At 3.5, you will won't help by pushing, she needs to feel really safe that you have her back and then she will step out into new stuff. If you push her too much she will lose confidence and get worse.