to ask if you ever feel jealous of your chldren?

[siennaray]

I'm a regular and have name changed as I know I'm going to get flamed for this but I just need to know if anyone else feels like this.

First of I all I want to say that I love my 3 dc more than anything BUT sometimes when I look at them I just feel so jealous especially with my dd who is 10. When I was her age I had such high hopes and dreams of what my life would be like much like everyone else does I suppose, I worked really hard and got a break into my dream career (modelling) when I was 18. Now I'm not saying I ever would have made it big time but I was doing ok mainly with catalogue work and a couple of tv adverts then I found out I was pg at 24. I quit modelling to have dd and I don't regret it but I always wondered if I could have made it further. Then I had 2 ds's (twins) and my dh left me so I took up temp working which I'm still doing but I have no interest in it and dread going everyday. I'm giving my children every opportunity that I can afford, they go to various out of school clubs and activities, dd has started taking a real interest in drama and wants to go to a performing art school next year when she starts secondary which I will support her in if it is what she really wants but sometimes I feel like she is living my dream life and while I don't resent her for it I get these moments where I am just really jealous of her but I'm also incredibility proud of her and will never tell her how I feel.
Basically I hate the fact that I'm pushing 35 and haven't achieved much apart from my wonderful children. No real career, wasted every opportunity that my parents gave me, my parents are in their 70's and I see them slowly slipping away from me. Ahhhhh I just wish I could start all over again.

Rather than be jealous of a child, seize your own life opportunities, you can change things if you want, and you put enough effort in. You chose to be a parent, you chose to give up your career, don't blame her for your choices. You could've chosen to wait to have children and work on yourself and your career first, you didn't. You can now choose to turn things around. You see lots of people on here changing careers, studying at OU etc after children. Being resentful of a child because of your life choices and regrets is horrible.

I agree with FASH. Own your own choices, OP.

Having said that, I occasionally envy my son's childhood -- I grew up very poor in an overcrowded household with a lot of siblings, and there was very little of everything from food to attention to space to go around us all, and overworked parents who struggled with literacy, hence no homework help or sense of wider opportunities.

DS is an only child with a great social life, plenty of parental attention, pace and love, and a generally nice life.

I've made some shockingly poor choices in my life, thankfully my daughter is far more level headed than me and doesn't go out getting drunk like her mother did in her teens and is set for a good career and life. I don't envy her, I'm happy for her. The only thing that irks me sometimes is that I wasn't as sensible as her.

FASH I understand what you are saying but I absolutely do not blame my daughter - I know I am the one who didn't make the most of the chances that I had and I have to live with that, I would never put that onto my children.
Yes I chose to be a parent but I was on the pill when I fell pregnant and as I was raised a catholic an abortion was out of the question for me (I do not judge others but its just not for me) and I new I never could have given her up for adoption.
I know people change careers and I have thought about that but when my ex left we were already in debt and now I have to pay the mortgage by my self and nursery fees for my twins so retraining really isn't an option right now.

I understand what you're saying although I don't feel jealous, it just makes me aware of lost opportunities I had.

Shitty family circumstances at the time meant I wasn't focused on my education in the last year of A levels and there wasn't anyone encouraging me to think of uni even though I was pretty academic. Met my OH at 19, had first child at 25. Looking back, circumstances meant I was the one who usually had the main, stable job.

I regret not going to university, regret not having the drive and awareness to really go for what I wanted in a career etc. because I feel moving straight from home into a relationship hindered my personal development as an adult. I should have had those years of being single, working, independent. My salary has never been just mine, always a joint family type pot to be used for mortgage, bills, children. Selfishly, I would have benefited from having those decisions just to myself.

So I talk to my DD about enjoying life, having fun, having boyfriends and sex before she settles down. Making her own money and spending it how she wishes.

You're only 35! Barely past your 20s...

First off, yes, 35 is no age, and on a practical note, if you hadn't cracked the 'big time' at 24, your modelling career was going to be pretty much over anyway in the next couple of years because there would always have been someone younger to choose. On the other hand, 35 is absolutely the right age to model for certain genres nowadays - so maybe your career break is actually fortuitous?

It's possibly because I left having my son so late, but I don't feel jealous at all. I feel proud he has opportunities I didn't, and proud he has had a life so different to mine. My only parenting guide was to not be my mother, and I hope I have succeeded.

Whilst it's never great to try to fulfill our own ambitions through our children, you absolutely can and should feel proud that your daughter is living her dream. I actually don't think you are describing jealousy - I think you are describing a perfectly normal 'what about me?'. What about Little siennaray?

As our children grow, then it becomes time to come back to ourselves: to come back to the Little Mes who never understood how they were abandoned.

You have done a brilliant job of creating wonderful life chances for your daughters. Now it's time to do the same for yourself xxx

I don't think that "jealous" is actually the word I would use, but I sort of know what you mean.
Like a PP I grew up with little, in a home where I felt distinctly surplus to requirements on many occasions. DS as an only has so many opportunities and now he's a teenager we normally enjoy spending time with him. So far removed from my own childhood that I am occasionally annoyed by his utter belief that this is how life is, as well as a certain laziness regarding opportunities that he has.
On the whole though, I'm just grateful that I'm able to provide better

I grew up in more modest circumstances than my children and in some ways my parents were less supportive of me than DH and I are of them. But I also know that life will probably put challenges in their way that I can't anticipate now.

You did the best you could then and you are doing the best you can now. That's the standard to keep in mind I think.

Thank you for the replies everyone, maybe jealous wasn't the right word, I don't resent the chances that dd has and I hope she achieves her dreams, I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself, the 10 years since I've had her seems to have gone so quickly and my life hasn't really turned out the way I thought it would.

Not jealous, that is a negative emotion in my eyes, but sometimes slightly envious the way the younger one makes friends so easily. Really magnetic personality with lots of nice friends and a social life I could have only ever dreamed of.

I think your dislike of your current job is affecting your outlook. It can be soul destroying if there nothing else you enjoy to 'balance out' unfulfilling work. If you were happy you wouldn't feel like this. What else interests you in life? Volunteer with a rescue or a charity. Bursaries are available for studying at college or OU. You can study online not attend at most Universities now. Would Beauty/make up related retraining interest you? Before modelling have you ever considered a different career that you could pursue now?

I'm definitely jealous of my daughter's wardrobe!!

What you describe isn’t jealousy, but I sure do understand how you feel.

Hugs x

I don't think jealous (although I would love to have hair like DD1!) in some ways I really do fear for their future and what the hell they are going to put up with, there is so much we didn't have to deal with; online bullying, increased academic expectations, rising house prices, student debt, etc that I feel sorry for them rather than jealous.

I don't believe we have to take full responsibility for everything that happens in our life. We do our best, we make mistakes, and sometimes life just happens to us, not at all as we planned it or "chose". All we can do from the point we are at is make the best choices we can, with the limited information we have, from where we are now.
Youth has all its possibility laid out in front of it, and energy and vivacity and hope. Us older people have responsibility and disillusionment.
But actually we often also have many many more choices and privilege than we realise, and it worth both appreciating how much you have and are able to fulfil, as well as building plans and hopes for the future. Really really think about what you want to do with your life, what drives, identifies and defines you. Make plans to honour those parts of yourself, now or when your little ones are in school. Life chucks difficult stuff at us but all we have to do is keep on striving and honouring who we are.

I have 3 children I was 20 when ds was born, i was a single mum for 9 years I feel I missed out a bit on growing up and having fun, we live in a fairly small town near Manchester ds is now at uni in London having the time of his life, I did my degree as a single parent with a full time job and didn't get to experience the whole student life. I wish I could be young again and live in London

If there is anyone I will never feel jealous of it's my dd.

I had a normal, healthy childhood, running around and playing, always taking it for granted that I would have a normal life, grow up and get a job and all the rest of it. If I haven't always made the most of my opportunities, then that is on me.

Dd otoh was born with a chronic disorder which has caused her pain every single day of her life. Sometimes so badly that she has not been able to function at all. She knew from the age of 10 that she would never get well. At about the same time she also developed MH problems which, as far as we know, are also going to be lifelong. She will never be able to look back on the ordinary carefree childhood I just took for granted.

She is an incredibly brave person, now in her early 20s and training to be an actress. Despite numerous setbacks, she is determined to forge her way ahead as best she can.

I am now in my mid-50s and restarting the career I had to put on the back burner in order to care for dd. It's going well, in the sense that I think I will feel pleased with my achievements by the time I hit 67.

Yes, sometimes I look at dd and wish I had her resilience and her courage. But if the price to be paid is to live in her body- no, I don't think I could cope with that.

I’m jealous of my 3 year old DD’s beautiful flawless skin. She doesn’t appreciate it whilst I spend £££ on serums, anti aging products etc 😄

@WallisFrizz toddler skin is so delicious - I could have eaten mine up at that age!

I understand why you feel disappointed that life hasn't turned out how you hoped - although jealous probably isn't the right word.

I don't feel in the slightest bit jealous of my daughter. I've been able to give her way more than my parents could afford to give me in terms of things like material possessions, days out and holidays.

But actually I feel a bit sorry for her, because I think she has more pressure than I ever had. I was at primary school in the 70s so no SATs, no targets, no worries.

When I was a teenager in the 80s nobody had mobiles so there wasn't the constant pressure of worrying how many likes your photos and posts have had etc.

She has GCSE's next year and has started revising this week. I worked hard for my O' levels, but there wasn't half the pressure that I know she will feel under.

For the last few years she's had boys sending unsolicited pics and asking her for photos. I'm terrified that no matter how many talks we've had about the dangers of texting, she'll end up trusting someone, giving them a photo and then having it circulated.

When she starts going out and drinking in a few years she might do something stupid. But unlike me and my mates in the 80s who made mistakes which were soon forgotten about, this is the era of smartphones. So anybody can upload anything and it's out there for everyone to see for eternity.

I'm far from jealous.

sexting not texting obviously (although texting probably has its dangers too!)

I'm not sure that what you're describing is jealousy as such. I think looking at your daughter with her whole life ahead of her, with all the opportunities and possibilities that go with being young, makes you cast your mind back to when you had everything ahead of you and naturally enough you are reminded that things didn't turn out quite as planned.

You don't have anything to feel guilty about unless you are resentful or begrudging towards her but it doesn't sound like that's the case.

Not the same I know but as my dd in particular gets older (I have a DS too but dd reminds me of me iyswim) I find myself thinking a lot about my own childhood and tbh mine doesn't compare favourably. It's not that I'm jealous of her at all but somehow her childhood shines a light on mine.

I think there's a serious point here.

We all strive to give our children what we didn't have and become more evolved, better parents than we had, so of course it could be pretty emotionally triggering when we think of ourselves at our children's ages and think of what we might have been going through/ how our children really don't see/ know what we are protecting them from, or enriching them with at any given time, because it's just the way we've always been.

My mum left when I was one (mental health problems) and having a one year old now makes me realise how lucky my little one is to have us so interested in her, so aware of her needs and healthy enough to really give her everything from warm, clean, stimulating environments to eye contact, education, nutritious food and a mum and dad who love and care for each other.

I don't feel jealous but I do sometimes have to watch myself when I'm leaving her with the childminder for example and she cries for me. As I leave her there, I sometimes think 'well my mum had completely abandoned me at this point so you're lucky' instead of being sensitive to what she's going through at that moment (which must feel like a huge blow for her after a year and a half by my side) Of course I am sensitive to this and feel very sad to see her upset, I also have the underlying thoughts that she 'doesn't know she's born' which is harsh.

I think you're really lucky having older children at your age, the baby stage is over and you could now enrich your life in a way that will really inspire your children to follow their dreams too.

I remember when I was 14 and my dad had a massive heart attack and had to be revived with those electric pad things. He was only 40 at the time and his partner (when he was recovering from a triple heart bypass in hospital for 3 months) was cheating on him with a much younger man.

He was such a shell of a person after that episode but slowly built his life back up and went to yoga, made new friends who took him to the comedy store in London, cycled everywhere, taught himself about nutrition and moved to Cornwall where he loved the sea and became a farm hand on an organic dairy farm by the sea, leaving the rat race and his stressful trade behind. My sister and I were so blessed to witness this 'Phoenix from the ashes' reinvention of himself that we have both really gone on to live our lives to the max and tenaciously follow our dreams.

You can still be a very inspiring person to yourself and others - don't feel it's all over, it might have only just begun.

I know my mum felt like this to an extent, which makes me sad. My sister and I got to do a levels, go to university, study things she wished she could have studied rather than already being in an abusive marriage and then a single mother to two very young children.

I’ve had children much later and I’d already realised that the idea of being defined by your career is just a trap and a facade - I had a good career, i enjoyed my job but I never felt like I was achieving things, all I was doing was breaking myself to make money for someone else. I became self employed and had less money but was much happier. Then we had children, one of whom has complex health needs - I don’t know if he’ll ever be able to attend a normal school let alone go to university. I realise how fortunate I was to even even the most basic opportunities we all take for granted.

By the time my kids start school I’ll be almost 40. I’d like to retrain in something that would enable me to work with children like me son, although that may not be possible depending on his care needs. If you want to do something, go out and do it. Yes, it’s hard to do alongside other commitments, but your life is probably not even half way through, it’s far from over!