To ask MIL not to kiss baby on lips

[Misswhitman]

My ex and I split up for the final time recently. We have a 5 month old son. He had never been very supportive despite our child being planned and him appearing to his large family like he’s super dad. He has been going out drinking multiple times in the week, out until the early hours and I finally kicked him out when I discovered he used cocaine. My MIL has always been overly involved in my opinion. During my 3 day labour my ex called her to take a shift sitting with me so he could sleep in her car. She was the one there when I found out I needed an emergency c. After my son was born she FaceTimed daily and attempts to see him every day (she’ll text and say I’ll pop in and see him on the way back if he’s awake). She also has an 11 year old daughter. When they come over I constantly feel undermined. For example, she’s been nagging me to wean my child since he was 4 months old and told my ex I can’t moan about not getting sleep if I won’t put him on solids. Also my ex and I decided relatives kissing our child is a hard no. The other day they came over and her child was covered in facepaint. She was all over my son, holding him up to her face, kissing him, leaning over him, shouting in his face, forcing toys into his mouth and I bit my tongue. I also bit my tongue when his mum offered him her finger to chew without washing her hands and despite coming from a day out. I didn’t say anything but when my ex came over I already had an attitude with him about the fact he’d been out the night before and had the whole day off with a hangover (a day which in my opinion he could of spent seeing his son). In the course of the argument I angrily told him to tell his mum to stop kissing the baby, that every day is too much to see him and not to FaceTime after 6. He then messaged when he left saying she was now uncomfortable and that he wants to take my 5 month old baby (EBF never been without me) out by himself for 2 hours a week so his mum can see him. I messaged her trying to make amends and she not only ignored it but blocked me. Since then my ex (who only last week messaged me to say he liked the way our son is being raised) has said I’m a bad Mum because I stay cooped up in the flat and don’t take our son out enough and that I’m a hypochondriac because I’ve dared say he has a cold again. Am I being unreasonable?

I hate seeing people kiss babies on the lips. It's a stupid and unnecessary thing to do. What's wrong with kissing them on the top of the head or just cuddling? YANBU on that. However in your situation my guess is that he didn't just tell her about the kissing but the visiting and the facetiming. It's a lot to drop on her in one go. Yes, it's overbearing but surely you must have had one or two opportunities to scale that back with her yourself?

YANBU. However, I think that for your ex to take his son for 2 hours a week is reasonable. I don’t understand the need to kiss children on the lips .....I think it’s yeuch.

Two hours a week is a lot better than every day.

YANBU at all!! I have in laws very similar but luckily don't see them every day, I think I'd have gone mad if I did!!

Maybe take the 2 hours? At 5m he should be able to go for that long without feeding and you won't have to see MIL as often! It sounds like a good idea.

Yanbu if that's your guys rules.

Sounds to me like the problem is more so your ex and your feelings towards him and that you disagree with how he chooses to spend his time, was he meant to be spending the day with his son or are you just irritated that he's gone out?

I think you should have brought the issues up with your MIL at the time because you have no idea how your ex has conveyed it to her and now she's pissed off probably because he's blown it out of proportion because you criticised his parenting which in return he's done to you. As for her comments she sounds like any other irritating person who has an opinion on how/what you should be doing. I'd just tell her that's not how you choose to do things because it's your child and to mind her business.

He's being a proper dick about making out you don't do anything, your the resident parent and EBF is bloody hard when you've been up all night and don't have the support there from someone else during the day. He's barking up the wrong tree with that one. Have you tried expressing at all? Have you ever left your little one at all?

Contact taking place at your home has worked for now but going forward it will get harder, you need you're own space and time as well however a couple of hours is not unreasonable but needs to be as and when it is suitable for you. maybe suggest until you feel comfortable he continues contact with you and gradually build up to that time?

I find it strange that anyone who is not my DH wants to kiss me on the lips yet it seems to be a thing at the moment and it leaves me feeling deeply uncomfortable.

YANBU

The family does sound like hard work but I do agree that two hours with your ex once a week is reasonable. A five month old baby, even an EBF one, doesn't need to be with its mother every hour of the day - your baby at that age should be able to go two hours without a feed.

Is there any truth in his accusation that you don't take the baby out? It in no way makes you a bad mum by the way (and some babies are difficult to take out - mine included), but I do think babies need fresh air. Perhaps some time outdoors is something your ex can contribute if it's something you struggle with.

I kiss my DD(2) on the lips but wouldn't kiss anyone else's baby or toddler on the lips. It is a bit much.

I'm sorry I didn't make myself clear. My ex comes to my home twice a day to see his son because I believe it's important for him to have a good relationship. Prior to this in spite of our issues we have always got on well during these visits. The issue I had the other day with him going out is because he guilt trips me all the time about not being able to go to bed and wake up with his son and always requests I send him pictures/FaceTime before bed which I do every night. However if the football is on he is magically ok with going 24 hours without seeing him in spite of the fact I bend over backwards to fit him in/make sure my baby is well rested for his visits the rest of the time. He now wants to take him out on two occasions a week for a period of 2 hours. On Saturday morning (the night after the row) I had agreed he could take him to the garden centre for 2 hours either 9-11 or 12-2 to fit around his naps. He agreed 9-11 and that his mum will be there. I have refused to let him drive as I knew he would be out on the Friday night and he has the habit of getting in his car the next day over the limit. I also don't believe the cocaine use was a one off. Further to that he has no idea how to even change a nappy, he's never learned anything about his son. I agreed to drop him there and wait in the car so that if he needed a feed he could bring him back to me and take him away again. I rang at 9am having woken him from his nap and got him ready and he said "I've just woke up I can't make it until 11". I told him I wasn't prepared to mess with his nap schedule so he could have a lie in. We ended up meeting up at 10 and he had him for an hour. When he can prove to me he can look after him and isn't using drugs/driving while over the influence he can have him. Until then I have offered the waiting in the car option. Yesterday he handed him back to me with a nappy full of poo. He hadn't even noticed. He has never questioned my parenting before I fell out with his Mum. She on the other hand has 'suggested' the same things he's calling me out on now so I can't help but feel she's in his ear. My son doesn't sleep anywhere but at home and gets in such a state in the pushchair. I live in a rough area and my ex has said he does not want me walking around with him locally (I'm currently in the process of trying to sell my flat) and since I leant him my car he has filled it with building materials, rubble and returned it with the tires flat. I have repeatedly asked him to clear it out so that I can drive my son to the park and take him for walks that fit around his naps. What he is referring to is the fact his mum wants to take us out on all day trips 9am-4pm so that my son can get over tired and I can breastfeed sat on a field while she literally removes my child from my breast mid feed for a cuddle or tells while her daughter kisses him on the lips. I was wrong to bring it up the way I did but I had requested politely before and she ignored my request. My ex has also asked nicely and up until the other day agreed with me that his mother is overbearing (to the extent if she ever visited when he was here he would go and sit in the other room!) I feel like I tried my best with her, was really accommodating (FaceTiming daily, allowing her to come over every other day, offering an olive branch after the argument, sending her pictures regularly, inviting her to come to the HV with me) and as soon as I've questioned her it's like I've spat in her face.

I have tried pumping but he's demand fed so I never get anything. He also doesn't sleep for longer than 2 hours at night so I even come up short in the morning. I asked my MIL nicely on 3 occasions not to kiss him. So has my ex. But this time I brought it up in a row which I shouldn't have done but I feel like she's affronted by being told what she can and can't do with "MY grandchild". I could've handled the other stuff but that is a hard no from me.

OP if you ex has joint parental responsibility there is only so much you can control. For a start don't agree to your ex having him in the morning.

Also stand up for yourself no one else will

Don't agree to go out with his mother if you don't like her. There is no law forcing you to. In fact you can and should stop his contact with her until she agrees not to kiss him on the mouth. There is no law that allows grandparents and other extended family contact.

Do not lend your ex your car you have not reason to as he isn't your current partner. In fact take him off the car insurance. Otherwise you risk your car being impounded if he's caught drink/drug driving.

And you are allowed to become forceful and even violent if a person removes your child when you are breast feeding them.

Does she get cold sores?

He hasn't used the car for over a month now, he just hasn't cleared out out either. I laid out terms for my ex the other day e.g you're always welcome to see him at mine just no drinking beforehand, I'm happy for your mother to come over to see him one day a week, I'm happy for you to take him once a week but I'll drive him to and from the meet, kissing him on the lips is a hard no, if you want unsupervised access I want a drugs test first. He's been out drinking at least twice a week until the early hours throughout my pregnancy and in the 5 months since my son was born. He has admitted cocaine use and that he can't control his drinking. He stopped off for two pints on the way to pick my mum up to visit me less than 30 mins after my emergency cesarian. I've been parenting my child on my own for 5 months while conceding on everything where my MIL is concerned and I feel like as soon as I put my foot down on something all hell has broken loose. I'm not trying to be obstructive I just have genuine concerns about his abilities to parent.

I'm not sure but I've mentioned the HPV thing before. My ex and I both agreed no kissing even before we had him. Not to mention the risks of dental decay (he's teething) colds, respiratory illnesses. His sister covered him in facepaint the other day.

I think she is a secondary issue at the minute. You're doing the right thing laying down the rules to your ex who needs to focus on getting himself sorted rather than becoming an unhelpful post box for his mother's opinions.

Say to MIL that you're working with your ex to create a routine that works and until then everything else is a distraction, especially given her tendency to ignore your wishes and criticise your approach. Just tell her that and stop the face timing with her. When her son proves he can be a proper father and have your son for a few hours/days then he can decide how to involve the MIL, you don't have to.

He should be organising contact for his mum during his time, you don't have to spend any time with her at all.

If he can't turn up on time then don't allow contact to go ahead that day, as for the drinking and drug use I wouldn't let him anywhere near your little one until he sorts himself out, you are being too accommodating, it's not fair for you to have all the responsibility of bringing up your child and preparing them for him to visit and he's too busy shoving shit up his nose to turn up on time, no wonder you don't get time for yourself, you are spending all your time babying your ex. If he wants to be a dad he needs to step up.

Wtf he can't change a nappy?!

OP having seen your update I think the kissing on the lips is the least of your worries: the drug-taking and drink/driving of your ex would concern me more!

There's a lot to unpick here. It sounds as if you are being railroaded into putting your baby in an unsafe situation without anyone to back you up in saying no. Where are your supporters? Mum, Dad etc?

OP, I think you need a hug. I also have a 5 month old baby and it's exhausting, isn't it? I also have an overbearing MIL whom I have to send pictures and updates to every damn day or else she will turn up on the doorstep. She also makes it abundantly clear she'd rather see DS without me there too (we've never really got on).

I got myself into a real state over her interfering until I thought sod it, just let her. And it's been so much easier since. I get a break and time to feel like a functioning adult again, and she gets undiluted time with her "gorgeous darling handsomest bestest baby boy who she could just eat up" (I quote. Yeuch.).

Other than kissing on the lips (which I agree is grim), are you generally happy with her behaviour towards your baby? If so, maybe suggest she and your ex look after LO at your home whilst you go out for a coffee. Start small, even just an hour, and when you are ready try a bit longer. Offer it out as a compromise, rather than taking the plunge of handing your child over for them to take away on outings. It also means your ex is supervised.

Just a thought, and hope it gets better for you.

He's been behaving like this my entire pregnancy. I tried to keep him around because I felt like if he's comfortable living with me and not being together or visiting every day he won't be bothered about trying to see him on his own and that way I can keep him safe. I know it's ridiculous. When I fell out with his Mum that was the first time he said about taking him out and I have genuine concerns. Everything in me says I should seek legal advice but I can't afford it and I know once I go down that route it's going to get really nasty. I think if it was my ex on his own he would've lost interest by now but with her behind him they'll get spiteful. I also have no proof of him using (the WhatsApp's about it were on his phone and he was stupid enough to leave the conversation open in front of me). If he took a drugs test it will show use 100% but I don't have anything myself to prove it.

She's refusing to come to my home even if I go out. She's even blocked and deleted me from WhatsApp and all social media 🙄 I apologised to her about the way I addressed my issues and suggested meeting for coffee. She ignored it and blocked me.

I don't feel like she puts him first because she insists on holding him when he's screaming for food or tired and refuses to try to put him down for a sleep or give him to me for a feed because she just HAS to hold him. She even takes him away from other visitors.

What an awful situation.

This isn't usual sharing of partners duties is it. One partner is not up to the the job.

It sounds like your enabling him and your helping him to have a relationship with his son inspite of not even knowing basic stuff.

Do you have your own family support?
I'd find this exhausting. Small baby and useless childish man child to cope with.

Also it's worrying she has blocked you but still wants to take him out. I agree with other poster that at least she can supervisee him but would legal stuff cost you much at this stage where dc are involved?

Hell would freeze over before I allowed somebody who had blocked me from contacting them, who completely disrespects my parenting and had no regard whatsoever for the welfare of my DC having contact with my DC.

This woman upsets your DC with the way she carries on - pulls him from your breast, is all up in his face, etc. I would have lost my shit with her a long time ago.

No unsupervised access for your ex unless he sorts himself out as he has a drink and drug problem.

Why’m are you trying to suck up to her by apologising. Fuck her. Sounds like your life is better without her.
As for your ex tell him he needs to do supervised contact.
Also
Clean the car yourself and don’t lend it to him again.
Sounds like your boundaries are too blurred.
Have you got family support?