To ask MIL not to kiss baby on lips

[Misswhitman]

My ex and I split up for the final time recently. We have a 5 month old son. He had never been very supportive despite our child being planned and him appearing to his large family like he’s super dad. He has been going out drinking multiple times in the week, out until the early hours and I finally kicked him out when I discovered he used cocaine. My MIL has always been overly involved in my opinion. During my 3 day labour my ex called her to take a shift sitting with me so he could sleep in her car. She was the one there when I found out I needed an emergency c. After my son was born she FaceTimed daily and attempts to see him every day (she’ll text and say I’ll pop in and see him on the way back if he’s awake). She also has an 11 year old daughter. When they come over I constantly feel undermined. For example, she’s been nagging me to wean my child since he was 4 months old and told my ex I can’t moan about not getting sleep if I won’t put him on solids. Also my ex and I decided relatives kissing our child is a hard no. The other day they came over and her child was covered in facepaint. She was all over my son, holding him up to her face, kissing him, leaning over him, shouting in his face, forcing toys into his mouth and I bit my tongue. I also bit my tongue when his mum offered him her finger to chew without washing her hands and despite coming from a day out. I didn’t say anything but when my ex came over I already had an attitude with him about the fact he’d been out the night before and had the whole day off with a hangover (a day which in my opinion he could of spent seeing his son). In the course of the argument I angrily told him to tell his mum to stop kissing the baby, that every day is too much to see him and not to FaceTime after 6. He then messaged when he left saying she was now uncomfortable and that he wants to take my 5 month old baby (EBF never been without me) out by himself for 2 hours a week so his mum can see him. I messaged her trying to make amends and she not only ignored it but blocked me. Since then my ex (who only last week messaged me to say he liked the way our son is being raised) has said I’m a bad Mum because I stay cooped up in the flat and don’t take our son out enough and that I’m a hypochondriac because I’ve dared say he has a cold again. Am I being unreasonable?

Mum lives with me. We all lived together and she's witnessed everything. I've just been through all of our WhatsApp conversations and I'm able to prove he's constantly out drinking and that he's driven drunk. I apologised because I know he's her puppet, he even bankrolls her and gives his sister pocket money. When I thought I was going in to early labour he picked me up from the hospital and dropped me home alone because he promised his mum he'd take her for dinner. My ex and I have always been able to overcome disagreements and I have enabled him purely because i would never want it to be said that I stopped him from seeing his child out of spite. I don't let him have him without me there ever with the exception of the garden centre the other day (I sat outside in the car). I feel like my mother in law is in his ear. Instead of just accepting my boundaries she's played the victim and now he's annoyed because she's nagging him. The car is full of heavy building materials like a transformer, bricks, mortar etc. I wouldn't even know what to do with it! I don't know what my logical next step is.

(My Mum lives with me in case that was unclear)

So you have support. What was your dm like with your partner? It can't be easy for him living with his Mil either.

I think the other poster is right. Your doing too much. You don't want to seem like your cutting him out out of spite. But what about him. Does he worry that his behavior may seem like he actually is a man child and doesn't care about his son?

Surely he is the one who should be worrying and feeling ashamed?

He downplays his behaviour. He 'only uses coke once in a while', I need to 'chill out' it's only 'going to the pub for a few' he's 'not an addict' because he can hold down a business and driving the next morning over the limit is not the same as drink driving (although he's done both). I'm just being over the top and spiteful apparently and I'm such a nag why would he want to be around me, I ruin the time with his son, I just want him all to myself blah blah blah. My mother was always really friendly with him even when he was being a nob. She didn't want to get involved but she's helped with the childcare when he isn't around. When he is she politely excused herself so he can have time with his son. She even offered to move out of her own home hoping that he would step up, she went away for 6 weeks and for 6 weeks I was completely on my own because he would go out all day and night, take my car and not help around the house. I'd text him and he'd be out at lunch with his mum and if I moaned about needing him to help me more by picking up after himself or having his son in the evening he would say he's tired and send his Mum over.

How old is he, he sounds v immature.

I think you need to stop worrying about him at the moment and concentrate on the yourself. It's worth calling round solicitor to ask about fees. You may be surprised

Today I called social services at the advice of my legal secretary friend. They said they have no concerns because I'm a protective factor and I'm doing everything I can to safeguard him. I'm just glad now it could never look like I'm complicit. He's not getting unsupervised contact so his mum is just going to have to suck it up. Social services have advised me to go to citizens advice so I'll try there first.

He's 27

I bet you feel a bit better op.
Do you know what the name of the person you spoke too?

I'd just make a note of it and who it was, date and what they said.

Also get rough diary of dates and events going. Ie 24th August saw what's app dated today from ex to blah saying... Are you bringing the coke

26th August he had two hours me sat outside garden center, baby nappy dirty he had not noticed.

Etc etc.

Yeah I spent the morning screenshotting WhatsApp's. I counted 74 occasions since I got pregnant where we've argued about his excessive alcohol consumption (puking on the floor, drink driving, staying out until 3am without keys, turning his phone off etc.) Spoke to social services and I'm going to go to citizens advice when I get the chance. I document absolutely everything. I've only been so accommodating up until now because I'm demonstrating I'm giving my ex a chance and not acting out of spite. Ex has apologised saying he will smooth things over with the MIL, that I am a good mum and there's no need for him to see my son without me at the moment. I told him his mum is welcome to see her grandchild but it will be on my terms and my terms are based on what is best for my son. She maintains she doesn't like the way I handled things, not that I was telling her what to do. So from now on I'll be clear when I'm uncomfortable in the moment (and I can guarantee she'll show her true colours) and then she'll have nothing to be upset about.

He's not getting unsupervised contact so his mum is just going to have to suck it up.
That's good.

Ex has apologised saying he will smooth things over with the MIL, that I am a good mum and there's no need for him to see my son without me at the moment.

Even better.

MIL can see him on your terms...or not at all. It's up to her.

YANBU distance yourself from mil, don't make the next move, you've done all you can.
please report your ex for the drug taking, make sure you involve ss as you know about his addiction.
should something happen to your child whilst in his care and you knew about the addiction, ss will step in for the sake of the child.
You haven't done anything wrong and sound like a great mum, I too wouldn't have let mil behaviour get past day 1 tbh.

Please don't give her too much access just becuse she demands it. A baby doesnt need to see his/her grandchild every day or every other day. Once a week is fine. She sounds like a bully.

Yeah I'd hate for them to think I was complicit. As soon as I found out he was gone. She's such a loving woman that when I kicked her son out he went and stayed with her but she wouldn't even let him unpack because he wasn't welcome to stay. My ex just admitted she had a massive falling out with his brother and partner when they had their first. Apparently she's still mad but will come around. I politely informed him that although I will be amicable, I'm still fuming.

You mention you’re selling your flat; could you (and your Mum) move far, far away? (You might want to check the legal side of things with CAB)

We could do but then I worry that my son resents me for it or that he eventually gets granted unsupervised and we're talking weeks at a time rather than hours. If I could I'd move to the North Pole.

Kissing children on the lips is not on, full stop.
If your mother in law asked others about it she would be told the same.
She can kiss on cheek or top of head like most people do.

You do not need to ensure she has access. When eventually your ex has unsupervised access, be aware that what he does during this time is not your business, you can’t demand that he stops the coke or doesn’t drive your child whilst still drunk. Stop enabling your mil, she has fuck all rights and you know she’ll overstep boundaries re weaning if she has unsupervised access. Don’t let her snatch the baby from you!! If he’s screaming, take him off her immediately, don’t let her do what she’s doing!

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for taking the time to respond. I often find it hard to assert myself and I'm so used to being completely gaslighted by my ex and his family. To hear that it's a reasonable request and that I shouldn't have to make an effort with my exes Mum if she refuses to respect my decisions as his mother has allowed me to alleviate myself of the guilt I felt about "making things awkward".

Blow Granny!
Don't let them take over your life and thoughts. This time with a baby of that age is difficult, but it's also special and doesn't last long.

Who cares what ex MIL wants. Baby comes first.

Given what you've said I'd be worried she'd be trying to feed him solids behind your back anyway. The woman sounds unbalanced.

Ex's DM sounds unhinged to me. If she can't respect your wishes with regard to YOUR baby, she needs a stern word. I'd also restrict her visits to 2 or 3 times a week, on the same days/times, so that you have a chance to establish proper routines etc. (My DSS and his partner had to do similar with DSS's mother).

Re the car, I'd tell him a deadline and tell him that if he hasn't cleared his stuff out by then, it'll be going on Freegle/Freecycle. That way, someone else will clear it out for him!

I would do that but the stuff is pure shite. Rubble, old buckets covered in mortar, a transformer. Turns out I spoke too soon. Ex was due over at 5:30 to bathe my son. I rang him at 5:30 and he said his mum and sister had just stopped by his flat unannounced so he was going to be late. Didn't think to tell me until I rang him. Also didn't think to tell them he was on his way out. He then brought up unsupervised and I said not without a drug test. He said that's unfair because I know he used a month ago. I said that isn't my problem and that he's lucky I let him see him now. At which point he said don't make threats, said I'm sad and that I cause barriers with people like falling out with his mum. Earlier he confessed that a month ago they had a row because when her other grandchild was visiting she said "your brothers wife let's me kiss him on the lips" and my ex apparently laid into her. If I had known at the time I would have stopped contact then. They're all going to the garden centre for 30 mins on Sunday, I will drive him and wait in the car. I'm at a loss about what to do now!

I am genuinely scared that he's going to take my child on a visit and not let me see him until I go to court for access. I really wouldn't put it past him.

Why's he not allowed to have the baby away from your house

Why are you commenting on how well you get along with him but not how well he gets along with baby

You do realise if he took you to court access would be at his house without you there and not at your house

He's welcome to have the baby at his house with me there. He's welcome to have the baby anywhere with me there. But as someone who has a history of driving under the influence and using cocaine I am not willing for him to have his son anywhere unsupervised until I feel like he is safe to do so. I talk about how well we get on because I am trying to keep things as amicable as possible for as long as possible. Up until now he has been happy seeing him in my company because I have been so accommodating, because of that I have felt our child is safe, I have also driven to meet him at the garden centre and stayed in the car. When he and I fall out over for example his mothers refusal to respect boundaries he mentions unsupervised, should he request that I would seek legal advice and I can imagine things would get quite nasty. That's why it's important that we try to get along as much as possible.

I'm also happy for him to have access unsupervised if he can prove he isn't using drugs.