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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being aibu/selfish by having this baby?

28 replies

Bowejangles · 28/08/2018 01:52

I found out yesterday morning that I'm pregnant, its very early days and unplanned. I have an almost 8 month old and had no desire for more children until my little one was at least school age. I've recently split from ex partner who is father to both, we were taking precautions which failed.

I do want to keep the baby but whenever I look at my little one I'm overcome with guilt and emotion, i feel almost as though by keeping this baby I'll be doing a disservice to him as his mum, and robbing him of the 1-on-1 relationship I intended to give him.

The only thing that would make me consider a termination is if it was possible that by having this baby it would have a negative impact on him, as he is my priority right now.

OP posts:
Elllicam · 28/08/2018 01:57

I had 18 months between my first two children and while it was hard at times they love each other dearly. They don’t remember a time when they didn’t have each other, they play together (and sometimes fight). When we’re at a park or a soft play they have a built in buddy to play with.

SleepWarrior · 28/08/2018 01:58

I remember feeling guilty when I was pregnant with my second that I was taking a bit of myself away from my first baby. But it doesn't work like that - there's enough love to go around and they also have a wonderful sibling to share the world with.

Please don't torture yourself - it is ALWAYS OK to want your baby. Congratulations Flowers

Original poster
Bowejangles · 28/08/2018 02:01

@Elllicam thank you for sharing that, what a lovely thought it is to imagine DS with his own little best friend

I don't know why I feel so guilty toward my son about the baby, I think it stems from a place of concern about the quality of attention I'd be able to give him with a (lovely but demanding) newborn

Me and DS are a little team and have been from day one, we have an amazing bond and the thought of him feeling pushed out hurts my heart

OP posts:
ThatchersCold · 28/08/2018 02:01

Your baby will be fine with a brother or sister! It’s totally natural to feel the way you are though.

I’d say more pressing concerns would be can you cope emotionally and financially with two babies in your own? If yes then absolutely go for it.

Original poster
Bowejangles · 28/08/2018 02:01

@SleepWarrior thank you so much I really appreciate the kind words, its nice to know I'm not alone in feeling like this!

OP posts:
Original poster
Bowejangles · 28/08/2018 02:03

@ThatchersCold financially we would be OK, emotionally.. I'm not too sure

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous, you never know how you'll feel or react until your in a situation do you.

The first 8 weeks with DS was extremely difficult BUT I have now what I didn't have then and that's experience Smile

OP posts:
ThatchersCold · 28/08/2018 02:06

You’re right you do never know until it happens. Would your ex step up to help out for those first few weeks? Or have you got family who’d help? In my experience once you’ve got through that first bit and things settle down it’s plain sailing.

Original poster
Bowejangles · 28/08/2018 02:10

@ThatchersCold ex would definitely help out as much as possible, he was great with DS in those early weeks but the difference this time will be we don't live together. I don't have too much hands on family support other than that but I'm hoping now I'm acquainted with parenthood I won't struggle as much with a newborn.

I'm very fortunate that DS has been sleeping through since 10-12 weeks old and will happily snore his little head off all night leaving me plenty of time to focus on housework/get proper sleep etc!

OP posts:
stopgap · 28/08/2018 02:13

If you can cope financially and emotionally, I would say do it. Siblings with age gaps less than two years tend to get on really well, in my observations.

Original poster
Bowejangles · 28/08/2018 02:15

@stopgap guilt aside I do think a close age gap could be a wonderful thing as like mentioned the little ones would (in most cases) grow to have a strong bond

OP posts:
CoughLaughFart · 28/08/2018 02:21

I don’t think you’re being selfish at all. You’re being honest with yourself about the potential difficulties of your situation.

At the heart of things, you want the baby. That’s the key point ahead of anything else. It won’t be easy - but what is? Good luck Smile

fieryginger · 28/08/2018 02:53

If you want it, if you can afford it - your ds will be just fine. It'll be hard work for a few years, but you will be ok and so will your little boy.

OkPedro · 28/08/2018 03:07

There's 3 years between my children
Don't underestimate PND, c section recovery etc
I had this and had a partner 24/7 for 3 weeks after the most difficult birth..
I couldn't imagine doing that with a young baby and as a single parent

I wish you the best of luck bowe Flowers

AjasLipstick · 28/08/2018 03:11

Your company won't always be enough for your DS. I think you'd be doing him more of a disservice by denying him a sibling. You may never meet another man....never have the opportunity to have a sibling for him.

Somewhereovertherainbow13 · 28/08/2018 03:14

I have 16 months between my children and remember incredibly well that initial shock and sadness at finding out I was pregnant with my youngest. It took me a long time to feel happy or excited about it however now I wouldn’t change it for the world. Having them so close made some things so much easier and they’ve gone up to be the best of friends. I wasn’t in the financial position that you might find yourself being a possible single parent and only you can really decide how much of a factor that will be. As for the guilt though, your lo will never know any different so try to push that to one side and ignore it

Menolly · 28/08/2018 03:50

Financially if you can cope I think I would have the baby in your shoes. It won't be easy on your own but you sound like you want this baby, and it sounds like the dad will be around to help out. With a small age gap DS isn't likely to feel pushed out for long if at all because he simply won't remember not having a sibling. (actually I think children with bigger age gaps struggle with feeling pushed out at first more, certainly ones that have only just started school and suddenly see mum at home with a baby)

Good luck Flowers

ittakes2 · 28/08/2018 03:59

I think the opposite. Having a 2nd baby would be a selfless act. It will be hard work for you but in the long run having a sibling for your son would benefit him enormously. But only you can decide what’s best for you and your family.

WTFdidwedo · 28/08/2018 04:33

Please don't be too disheartened by my response, and I've hesitated whether to write it, but I was in the same situation. I have 17 months between my two and am currently up with baby number 2 who is now 4 months old.

I'm really struggling. She's an awful, awful baby. She never settles, I honestly feel like she hates me sometimes. I struggled when I found out I was pregnant with her for all the reasons you gave in your OP and, honestly, some of me thinks she's my "punishment" for those feelings. My now 21 month old is currently snoozing nicely next to me and I really miss it just being us.

I understand that I am very unusual and that I have really pulled the short straw but I honestly have a horrific baby. I'm sure other people have got far luckier than me!

I have a sibling with a fairly close age gap (the better end of 2 under 2) and she had a super easy baby and has loved the closeness. She's still able to get out and about whereas I am basically a hermit as my baby screams everywhere we go and my toddler likes to sprint off anywhere she can.

I made the decision to go ahead with the pregnancy because we were married and financially stable, so I could not bring myself to stop it. I told myself that I wouldn't regret having the baby but I might regret not having her so we went ahead. I think my case is incredibly rare though.

agnurse · 28/08/2018 04:37

I don't think it's selfish at all! My sister and I are 18 months apart. I know people who have had children even closer than that!

Yes, it may be hard initially. But if you decide to terminate the pregnancy, and your child eventually finds out, what impact will that have?

There really isn't ever a "best" time to have a child. I was born when my dad was a graduate student. By the time he was finished graduate school he and my mum had FOUR children! She did some baby-sitting and some written translation work to supplement their income. I'm sure it wasn't easy, but I'm sure they wouldn't say they regretted it!

NotSoThinLizzy · 28/08/2018 04:41

I think it's if the kids are older they feel pushed out like a big gap as they get used to having you all to themselves.. hugs

dentydown · 28/08/2018 06:28

it sounds like you want to keep the baby. I have two who are 18 months apart. While they’re not “best buddies” they do get along.
My most memorable incident was a teacher saying “ds2 had a bump head injury in the playground, he got into a fight with another child. Confidentially states I’m not allowed to tell you the child’s name, but it was his brother!”
You’ll get scraps, you’ll get laughs, and you’ll think “oh my god this is hard work”. It’ll be worth it in the end

Stompythedinosaur · 28/08/2018 06:54

WTF I think you need to talk to your HV about whether you might be having difficulty bonding with your baby. Is pnd a possibility?

Op I had an unplanned second baby with an 18 month gap. It was hard at first, but my dds get in very well and very clearly love each other.

Minniemountain · 28/08/2018 07:08

"Denying him a sibling" really AjasLipstick?

Queuegardens · 28/08/2018 07:10

I wonder if the fact you have split from your partner makes all those bonding feelings more intense, too? I think many people feel very intense love for their first (I certainly did, I was crying in the hospital when my second was born because I was worried about whether first was ok). But it must be even more emotionally hard if your main adult relationship has broken down. I guess I'm just kindly saying, examine whether you feel you and DS1 are a "team" because you don't have anyone else on your team at the moment. It would be understandable but not a good thing to put on DS1.

Arguably the small age gap will help him feel secure with new bub - hell hath no fury like a 2 year old scorned by a new baby!

newmumwithquestions · 28/08/2018 07:12

Hello OP. Unexpected 2nd baby here. 15 month gap.
No 1 was desperately wanted for years. No 2 was wanted.. but not in the same way.

I felt guilty the moment I found out I was pregnant and had to take a bit of focus off no 1. I felt that no 1 was being cheated.

I also felt guilty that no 2 was growing not being nurtured in the same way that no 1 had been. I did all the ‘right’ things but without the same emotion. I was worried that I wouldn’t feel the same about no 2 as I had about no 1.

This lasted until the moment I went into labour. Suddenly it was all about no 2. You know that feeling where you’d fight to the death for your baby? Suddenly it was right there for no 2 too. It’s never changed.

That’s the thing about love. There’s no limit to it.

Having said all that 2 are difficult. And I’m not a single parent, that must add another layer of difficulty again. It does change the dynamic of the family, but I wouldn’t say for the worse. They grow up together. There are times when it’s really difficult and you’re divided. And then they start playing together and it’s amazing.

No 1 has missed out on 1:1 time. But she’s gained other things - overall I’d say her life is and will be the better for being so close in age to no2.