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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

not to know how to act now that neighbour has declared hatred for me?

35 replies

SadSackStruggling · 27/08/2018 23:31

Name changed in attempt to not be outed irl.
Will try to put the basic facts but it's likely to be a bit long.

Lived here 15 years.
Became friendly with neighbour when we had DC at same time.
Friendship changed over years as our lives moved on (used to be stay at home mums, then I went back to work, different interests that sort of thing). Friend asked years ago if I had fallen out with her.
I said I hadn't. Acknowledged that we weren't as close but that I thought it was due to me being full-time and having more children/being ridiculously busy.

Funny thing was, though she accepted it seemed likely that being so busy meant we didn't have much time to catch up, anytime I suggested having a coffee or catch up she was busy as had lots of ironing or housework.

Months later, she again asked if something was wrong.
"No, maybe you feel that way because we never get together anymore but I'm going part time. Why don't we make an effort to catch up on my days off?"
Again, if I suggested a catch up on those days she had ironing or shopping to do.

As we are neighbours with DC the same age we used to walk to school together each morning.
Once I started working I either didn't do school run or was pushed for time so would leave a little earlier and not have time to hang at school gate chatting.
Friend/neighbour started to ignore me in playground couple of year ago. I assumed it was because she had other 'playground' mum friends and because I had a younger child in the infants (so dropped DC in other side of playground).
This made occasions when I did walk to school a bit uncomfortable. Often felt like a third wheel if another playground mum joined the walk.

There was an event recently that friend and other neighbours planned. I joined to help with the planning after being invited to a planning meeting by one of the other neighbours.
A misunderstanding over something I had been asked to do led to me having a little tantrum on the WhatsApp planning group.

After the event, friend/neighbour started to totally blank me.
Didn't respond if I spoke.
Hardly made eye contact.

I asked on day why and she let rip.
Said I'd been ignoring her for years. When I denied this I asked if she meant situations like on playground when she was with other people and ignored me, she responded that she wasn't talking about the playground.
She said I'd been constantly sniping about the event. I admitted to being a dick on the WhatsApp group that one time after misunderstanding, she insisted it was constant. It really wasn't.
She said that I'd been making snide comments all day during the event. I absolutely did not, it was a great day.
She said I'd said something really awful to her that day. Again I had not. The comment he insists I'd made was something I'd said to another neighbour and was said in a totally different way. She made it out to be really cruel and aimed at her.
Bottom line she said was that she was sick of me, found me mean and nasty. Wanted absolutely nothing more to do with me.

She now completely ignores me.
Ignored my daughter on school run during final week of term.
Ignored my sister in local shop.

If it wasnt for the fact that she's a neighbour I'd be upset but would know how to deal but the fact she is a neighbour makes it so awkward.
It's a street where people are close.
She was stood with other neighbours last week. I said hi, the other neighbours responded, she kept back turned. I felt embarrassed.
She walks past me in the street while her husband and/or children say hi.

I don't know how to behave.
Keep being polite and saying hi knowing I will be ignored?
Start pretending she is invisible?

OP posts:
PickAChew · 27/08/2018 23:33

Just ignore her back.

Or say a cheery passive aggressive good morning every time you see her.

DeusEx · 27/08/2018 23:37

She sounds immature and her behaviour over the years very weird.

However, and only because you have so much detail on all but this...what happened with the WhatsApp group...?

Singlenotsingle · 27/08/2018 23:43

Just a little nod when you pass in the street. Seems a shame though. One of you might need the other in an emergency one day...

flumpybear · 27/08/2018 23:45

She's not got enough to do, she needs a job

SadSackStruggling · 27/08/2018 23:46

I'd created something for the event.
Was told not to do it, had already spent time doing it.
Apparently I hadn't been told to do it. Planning meeting had taken place in a pub, there's was lots of chatter, suggestions etc. Three members had said to go ahead and create but friend and the other neighbour who had come up with idea didn't.
Was only after I'd created that they said it hadn't been approved as the two of them wanted to ensure everything was matching, correct, same font etc.
I had a little moan about giving up my lunch hour to do it. Said I wouldn't create or do anything unless either of them instructed me to in future. Said I was happy to help but didn't want to step on any toes.
It was probably daft of me and I overreacted.
Was the only reason she gave that was remotely factual.
Am baffled as to why she's fell out with me to the extent that she ignores not only me but my child who she has known all her life and who is friends with her dd

OP posts:
Awwlookatmybabyspider · 27/08/2018 23:50

Honestly, you're well rid. She still hasn't left the playground yet..Mind you some parents never do.
She must think she's playing house with her dollies.
Just because youre neighbours and have kids the same age was no guarantee that you going to be life long friends.

Sparklesocks · 27/08/2018 23:57

Unfortunately she's made the decision and there's nothing you can do.
But tbh I think you should be relieved, people like that are hard work and essentially want you to kiss her feet and beg for forgiveness to get an ego boost. They're usually desperately insecure and only feel validation when they feel they've adequately punished someone, or that person comes crawling back.
File her under drama llama, continue to greet her family and don't let her take up any more of your time.

fattyboomboomboom · 28/08/2018 00:01

My neighbour and I had a petty fall out about 12 years ago. It was a trivial misunderstanding on her part which I tried to correct then just left it. We completely ignore each other and both look completely blank if we run into each other in the shop etc. Very easy after a while, awkward at first.

SadSackStruggling · 28/08/2018 00:05

How long did it take until it felt normal fatty?
Silver lining is that her youngest starts high school now so she won't be on the dreaded school run anymore

OP posts:
Beeziekn33ze · 28/08/2018 00:14

As other neighbours and even her own husband and children still greet you it's her problem more than yours. I'd carry on greeting her I think as that makes it clear you didn't start ignoring her.
Maybe time will make it blow over, maybe not. It sounds as if she's not very happy, as a PP suggested she needs a job or at least other interests.

gluteustothemaximus · 28/08/2018 00:24

I’d do the passive agressive cheery hello each time. When she ignores you, she’ll be the one who looks like she has the issue, not you. Which is exactly the case.

Rebecca36 · 28/08/2018 00:27

It really does not do to be on anything other than superficial friendships with neighbours. Children will get together but the adults don't have to.
Be friends with people who aren't on the doorstep.

I'd hate to live anywhere in which neighbour gatherings were the norm. Privacy is better. Just be pleasant and helpful if situations arise, then you can't offend anyone (or be offended).

However don't have strops on Whatsapp in future. They don't help.

Skittlesandbeer · 28/08/2018 00:49

Absolutely keep up the friendly, open greetings to her family/friends. Include her in your glance, even if only to her back. Others will notice.

When it’s just you and her (ie at the shops), smile and nod with eye contact. Without fail. In fact if you realise she’s in the same supermarket, steer your trolley towards hers to get it out of the way early. Chances are she’ll disappear, which makes life (and your shopping) more pleasant for you. Same thing when you’re both in the street at the same time.

Worst case scenario: after 2 years, the whole neighbourhood will be aware that you are reasonable and friendly, and will award you the moral high ground. She will look like a dick.

Best case scenario: she can’t keep up the energy it takes to hate you, and folds. Giving everyone the chance for friendlier relations.

Win- win- win

onetimeposter · 28/08/2018 01:13

Seriously don't worry about awkwardness round others. You're not the one turning your back and being petty. People will know it's her. What people fall out in this way it is rarely only with one person, it happens constantly as a pattern in their relationships.
I also don't want neighbours as friends. Polite hellos and that's it. Don't want them in my house, or knowing my business.
Just keep doing what you're doing and if it causes anxiety drink wine

Pinga · 28/08/2018 04:46

She sounds quite unhinged. I would never ever turn down a meetup with a friend and choose ironing or housework instead.

HerestoyouMrsRobinson · 28/08/2018 05:15

To be fair though, non matching fonts are really upsetting Wink

SadSackStruggling · 28/08/2018 08:50

Will try to keep to the polite greetings. It's pretty painful. We were quite close. She often came to me with things she felt she couldn't tell others, apparently I was trustworthy and non judgemental back then.
I'd love to know the real reasons behind her now not wanting anything to do with me.
It's a bit like a boyfriend dumping you and the explanation for it being total lies.

I'm not the type of person to have these things get to me usually. It's the close proximity and the feeling of it being so unjust mainly.
The temptation to ask one of our mutual friends/neighbours if they know anything is huge but I don't want to be that person who drags everyone into their drama!
Thanks for the advice everyone.

OP posts:
Anne88 · 28/08/2018 08:54

Be polite but cool when you see her. 'Good morning', 'Nice day?' etc will do.

Then get on with your life and if she wants to stay in the playgound that's up to her.

As others have said, she's no loss, there are better people out there who would like to be friends with you, so go out and meet them !

VeryBerryAugust · 28/08/2018 08:57

I second Skittkesandbeer's approach. It's worked for me.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/08/2018 09:00

Her issues, she sounds utterly insecure and unhinged, not your problem. Yes be polite to her if you see her, hello, good morning, etc.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 28/08/2018 09:15

I'd love to know the real reasons behind her now not wanting anything to do with me.

What jumped out at me from your OP is that you work and she doesn't. You work and she doesn't. You work and she doesn't. Too busy with ironing? Sounds like someone who's has to listen to "too busy with my JOB" once too often. Even your WhatsApp tantrum was about you giving up your lunchtime - y'know because you've got a job and she hasn't. You can make more time for her because you'll be part time in your JOB that she hasn't got.

Yes I'm being a bit Devil's Advocate here, she may be over sensitive, you may have not realised, but be honest with yourself and you might find the answer.
Two sides to every story and all that!

VeryBerryAugust · 28/08/2018 09:16

My instance was the old "kid friends falling out" story.

My apologizing for one incident in their ongoing tit for tat she mistook for weakness😉.

Volatile mum (I'd seen her once pulling a face at me in a mirror! So that was a heads up that she didn't consider me a bosom buddy.) went off on one, detailing a one-sided vendetta by my kid. I stood up to this (relatively calmly) so thereafter she would do a theatrical "ignoring you" thing on seeing me.

10 years later she'll collar me in the shops for a chat. It's all fine and gives me a laugh remembering how wound up I was with her back then. Truly water under the bridge.

Kids are now grown up mates - of course!

fattyboomboomboom · 28/08/2018 09:27

OP - about 3 months to feel normal. To begin with I felt awkward and a bit scared like school but now we just go temporarily blind when passing.

What hurt much more was someone else I had considered a friend suddenly hated me. This is years ago and we were both doing the primary school playground. Our kids had both been at the same SN nursery too. I had a fairly shitty car and she didn't have a car, as I drove passed her place after dropping off i would offer her a lift which she sometimes took. One morning she completely exploded at me telling me to stop offering her lifts and then she would storm off whenever she saw me. I realised she absolutely hated me and would storm away to talk to other people if I sat on a bench near her. I was really hurt and nonplussed and thought hard about it. The only things I could think of was that she had overshared regarding her DP on a lift once or she was jealous because I had a car and a job whilst she had neither. Which didn't matter to me, but maybe did to her.

SadSackStruggling · 28/08/2018 10:19

Milktwosugars she does work. Initially was two or three days a week, now is one.
The reason I mentioned it is down to the fact that when she first asked if I was upset with her a couple of years ago it was the only think I could think of that had changed.
We used to spend a few mornings a week having coffee and chatting, obviously that wasn't possible once I was working (much as I'd have loved to).
After her mentioning that she thought I had changed towards her, I made the effort to make time for my friend. Only she didn't seem interested.

It's like she felt different towards me, began to ignore me but was projecting that upon me.
She has become very close to another lady on the road over the past year. They came up with idea for the event. I'm now wondering if there has been something said between them which has riled her up (the other lady is a bit of a gossip and I have heard her saying some pretty wicked things about other mums on the playground)

OP posts:
OutPinked · 28/08/2018 10:38

She clearly doesn’t get out much if she lets resentment build up over something as minuscule as you returning to work and no longer being able to be a coffee morning mum with her Confused. She needs to work more or find a hobby.

I would continue attempting to greet her tbh, purely to be petty and wind her up.

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