Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

She doesn't mean to be racist but...

63 replies

fartypantaloons · 27/08/2018 23:10

So embarrassed

I have a mixed race child myself

Stood in a queue with elderly relative and in front was a family with a mixed race child who had cane rows

My relative far too loudly announced "it must take forever to do and it looks revolting"

I awkwardly explained it's quite useful and yes it takes longer but lasts weeks and I in fact do it myself from time to time for practical reasons on their mixed race relation.

These moments happen more the older they get and I guess the deafer they get the worse it is but ffs Blush is there any hope of educating them or do I just hope they are taken no notice of as an elderly person when shamefully rude?!

I don't think they honestly knew it's not done every day the way Caucasian hair plaits might be which may explain her bafflement at the style but still...

OP posts:
NameChangedNow · 27/08/2018 23:12

Tell her like you'd tell a small child in a firm voice 'making personal remarks is very rude'

NotUmbongoUnchained · 27/08/2018 23:13

Age isn’t an excuse for being a racist. My elderly white grandmother wasn’t racist when she married black my grandfather back in the 50’s.

NotUmbongoUnchained · 27/08/2018 23:13

My black*

Thehop · 27/08/2018 23:15

I’d own it personally

Say to the person “I’m so sorry, she’s started being really rude and inappropriate whilst we’re out, I think she has to start shopping at night now!”

Or go with above suggestion...a firm “no thank you to personal comments. It’s rude”

Original poster
fartypantaloons · 27/08/2018 23:15

She's accepting of other races... not racist but just bloody rude and ignorant

E.g... my child's skin needs moisturiser but as hers doesn't she can't understand why I bother... and says so

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 27/08/2018 23:17

I suppose she's entitled to her opinions, but it's unnecessarily rude to say it out loud. I quite like them myself, but if a white person wears them, they get accused of cultural appropriation. (Personally I think it's a compliment).

JenBarber · 27/08/2018 23:17

My mum has started doing stuff like this. Sometimes I'm amazed no one has slapped her.

I don't go out with her now. Too stressful.

DerekTheBrave · 27/08/2018 23:18

I don’t understand tbh.

Takes ages to do - fact.

Look revolting - rude. But tbph although I wouldn’t voice it (and don’t feel quite as strongly) - I agree. I’m really not keen on them at all and don’t think they look nice on kids or adults.

Why is that racist?

DerekTheBrave · 27/08/2018 23:20

my child's skin needs moisturiser but as hers doesn't she can't understand why I bother

I’m finding it baffling how you’re linking these things to being at all connected to race tbph. Does only black or mixed race skin need moisturising? Confused

Littlechocola · 27/08/2018 23:20

Is it racist (rather than incredibly rude) to say that she doesn’t like a hair style?

Original poster
fartypantaloons · 27/08/2018 23:21

@DerekTheBrave in her world yes. There's a big difference though between how my child's skin/hair would fare if not cared for compared to my own though

OP posts:
BlueBug45 · 27/08/2018 23:24

@DerekTheBrave it's because some ignorant people don't realise just because you can more easily see dry skin on POC it doesn't mean that white people don't suffer with the same problem.

@Littlechocola it is frequently not what you say but how you say it.

Original poster
fartypantaloons · 27/08/2018 23:24

Ofc it's more rude than racist...

It's the element of it being often used as a practical style that made me particularly uncomfortable with it and annoyed

OP posts:
5foot5 · 27/08/2018 23:25

Was the comment about the hair style racist though or just a statement that she disliked that particular hairstyle?

Either way I agree it was inappropriate and embarrassing that she made a comment about someone's personal appearance so loud they could hear.

Is she perhaps a little deaf and maybe thinks she was talking quietly?

I remember years ago in a cage my FIL spotted a little boy with very spiky hair and announced, loud enough for most of the cage to hear, "That little lad has a head like a coconut." We were mortified but I am sure he though it was a discreet aside as he was getting hard of hearing.

Littlechocola · 27/08/2018 23:26

@BlueBug45 Ah, sorry I hadn’t realised that you were there when this happened and heard how it was said.

Original poster
fartypantaloons · 27/08/2018 23:28

No there's no genuine desire in her to be unkind or racist... she just bloody seems to have zero tact and personally due to my own child these kind of comments really grate on me and I always feel terrible for the person who may have overheard

I think deafness is likely a factor.

OP posts:
MarthaArthur · 27/08/2018 23:30

She was rude. Is that usual behaviour for her to be rude out loud?

Can i ask a question about cornrows?
I think they look lovely and practical at keeping hair in place but does it not hurt the scalp and cause tension?

5foot5 · 27/08/2018 23:31

FFS every time I put "cage" in my post I meant "cafe". Bloody tablet.

ScattyCharly · 27/08/2018 23:31

I’m not sure it’s racist, but it is very rude indeed.

Time taken is long, ok but although accurate, it’s isnt the elderly relative spending the time doing it so I’m not sure she why that concerns her. It’s still rude because it’s nothing to do with her how that person spends their time.

Looks revolting - well a matter of opinion, she is I suppose entitled to her opinion but it is very rude.

If I was with her I’d say to her “that’s very rude” which will serve as a reminder to her and signal to any poor bugger overhearing these remarks that you don’t approve and are trying to stop her.

MarthaArthur · 27/08/2018 23:32

Sorry cross post. Deafness sounds plausable that she thought it was a quiet comment. Still horrible for the child to hear.

Whatifigglepiggleandpeppadated · 27/08/2018 23:34

How old is she ? I tend to find more elderly people lose there filter so just talk without thinking. Iyswim and think this would be a classic example of this and they just don’t realise they are being rude

NipInTheAir · 27/08/2018 23:36

Well my mother would say "what does that punk think he looks like with that mohican" "I don't want to be served by someone twiddling a snotty nose piercing".

Opinionated musings that I might think and not say. Also I recall some hair and beauty depts in fe banning corn rows. I don't know why; merely stating something I heard. Do those who wear them have a bad rep?

BlueBug45 · 27/08/2018 23:41

@Littlechocola the title of this thread is "She doesn't mean to be racist but... " If the OP didn't feel it was racist why would she use that title?

Birdsgottafly · 27/08/2018 23:41

""My mum has started doing stuff like this.""

With some people it is due to the aging process, or the onset of medical problems.

My Mum started saying some bizarre things, once she had turned 80. Her Father was half Native American, her two Husbands, immigrants and my Half Sister is (Black) mixed heritage.

My White Granddaughter had the plaits done and her Paternal Great-grandmother said they looked terrible, but I think her reasons were Racist, because unless something is typical British origin, she doesn't like it.

aintnothinbutagstring · 27/08/2018 23:42

How elderly are we talking, risk of dementia/alzheimers doing the talking? If not, then age is not an excuse, she's just a racist twat and if that was my child she was talking about, I'd tell her that myself. Would she consider a french plait on white hair to be revolting?

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread