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AIBU?

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Original poster

She doesn't mean to be racist but...

63 replies

fartypantaloons · 27/08/2018 23:10

So embarrassed

I have a mixed race child myself

Stood in a queue with elderly relative and in front was a family with a mixed race child who had cane rows

My relative far too loudly announced "it must take forever to do and it looks revolting"

I awkwardly explained it's quite useful and yes it takes longer but lasts weeks and I in fact do it myself from time to time for practical reasons on their mixed race relation.

These moments happen more the older they get and I guess the deafer they get the worse it is but ffs Blush is there any hope of educating them or do I just hope they are taken no notice of as an elderly person when shamefully rude?!

I don't think they honestly knew it's not done every day the way Caucasian hair plaits might be which may explain her bafflement at the style but still...

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 27/08/2018 23:50

Bluebug45, are you in the US? POC isn't acceptable here, in the UK, but if you must use it, at least, type out, Person of Colour, rather than reduce most of the World, who happen to be non white, to an acronym.

GunpowderGelatine · 27/08/2018 23:55

My mum (who isn't even 60 FFS) does things like this too. She recently remarked "Look at that fat child" SO loudly. She doesn't live in the the same town (or country) as me and it annoys me that she is happy to say that then pisses off home a few days later. When I tell her to STFU (or a more PG version, my mum would probably implode if I swore at her) she says "but she IS fat" as if this somehow justifies it. Or she'll be retelling a story and will use a homophobic slur, when I pull her on it she'll say "I'm just repeating what your uncle said". She wants to be careful, I don't exactly live in a naice town!

Even if we are in the car when no one can hear she will make nasty remarks about people on the street or in other cars, especially about their weight (which is rich as she in obese herself) and it made me realise why so much of my insecurities made sense, I've grown up with this and I don't want to spend my adult life surrounded by nastiness. I mean, what a horrid life to lead picking at other people all the time.

She's gonna be a vile old person I can imagine

GunpowderGelatine · 27/08/2018 23:58

I've never heard anyone say POC isn't acceptable in the U.K., but happy to learn

Original poster
fartypantaloons · 28/08/2018 00:00

Further side of her 80's so old enough that yes it is an elderly person speaking

I wonder if some things were more okay to comment on in her day that have become awfully rude now... I'm told I am fat etc (I am)

OP posts:
sophisticatedsarcasm · 28/08/2018 00:10

My Nan does the same, not so much racist just rude and ignorant, sometimes it’s so awkward and cringeworthy I cant bare to be near her. I think sometimes it’s just an old thing, years ago you could give an opinion about you want I think some old people struggle with thier new reality’s..... they’ve seen a lot of things change and quite frankly I think they are bitter about it.... sometimes when I’m with my Nan I pray she doesn’t open her mouth because I just know no can come from it 😩

Rebecca36 · 28/08/2018 00:14

She was certainly very rude to say that so loudly, presumably well within earshot of the child's mother.

As for it taking forever today, you can explain that to her. It amazes me that people are so ignorant in this day and age but some are and can be put right. She definitely should not have said that it looks revolting. It doesn't - imo - but hair styles are a matter of taste anyway and no-one else's business. What hair style does she have - a pensioner's perm?

greenlanes · 28/08/2018 00:20

My mum, also in her 80s, does similar (different examples, different contexts) but fundamentally she cannot manage change any more from how things "were". And the "were" is getting further back in time.

When I was growing up in south england in the 1960s & 70s with very few coloured, black or Asian families around us I never once heard my parents use racist or offensive language about others. So I was very happy when I moved into very multi-cultural working environments both here and abroad. So I am very upset that now my parents are older & have physical and some mental health issues that some of their comments and views on others are really not OK. My parents GP has just retired and they are really struggling with the new GP. He is from overseas and the rants are just ongoing.

Some of the suggestions from posters on here to say that's rude and similar really arent going to work in this situation. So what do posters like OP and myself do with relatives who have lost their usual genuine politeness and respect for others? The approach I am currently taking is to deal with each objection systematically and logically so bit by bit I take down the hurdles. But it is slow going and doesnt stop the comments in public. I would hate for people to hear my mother and think she was racist. She really isnt. I feel for you OP.

SandyY2K · 28/08/2018 00:35

@MarthaArthur
Cornrows can hurt and cause tension on the scalp when it's being done.

Some hairdressers pull more than others, but others are not so heavy handed and more gentle.

It tends to hurt more when extensions are being used. Not so much with your own hair.

MrsTommyBanks · 28/08/2018 00:35

I totally get what you mean. I've just spent the weekend with my GM who celebrated her 90th birthday this week and is unfortunately now extremely deaf (awaiting new hearing aids).
We popped into Gregg's when I took her shopping and I cringed inside out at least three times. Subjects were homelessness, immigrants, and a woman with visible tattoos.
I'm just grateful she saved the racist comments for at home.
My GM is not a nasty person. I've known her to be a very caring compassionate woman all my life. I've never witnessed her being prejudiced during my life before now.
It is very difficult to address without her feeling disrespected by me. I usually just tell her she is being rude.
She answers by saying its her family (some comments were comparing those she commented on to members of our extended family) and she should be able to say what she thinks about her off spring.
I just apologized to the people in Gregg's at a volume she couldn't hear #coward.

lborgia · 28/08/2018 00:40

It doesn’t need to be dementia - it is well known that as we age, the social filter tends to break down - we just say what we’re thinking (even more than before in some cases), and there isn’t a nanosecond for appropriateness to be checked.

Having said that, surely it was her being racist? No-one, surely, could deconstruct that to it’s parts and be happy to think that she’s just observing? She was pronouncing on some that was “other”, and found it unpleasant.

As to what to do, lots of replies here already, but yes, I”d call her on it.

esk1mo · 28/08/2018 00:46

perhaps the OP thinks it racist because she only seems to mention these things about people who aren’t white?

would she point at a mohawk on a white man and say its disgusting and must take ages? or dutch braids on a white girl? if so then maybe it isnt racist.

if she only questions why some black people moisturise often or braid their hair, then it’s obviously race-related.

HopeClearwater · 28/08/2018 00:51

it is well known that as we age, the social filter tends to break down lborgia I agree, but I also think there is a significant element of not caring. I’ve known elderly relatives who simply do not give a shit any more about whether they’ve offended someone.

allRightsReserved · 28/08/2018 03:46

It isn't racist. Just a little rude.

Why must everything be an -ist?

Twotailed · 28/08/2018 07:03

It is a pretty racist comment because for a lot of POC hairstyles are very closely connected to cultural history!

(That wasn’t directed at you OP, just at the people questioning you!)

I would start sharply pulling her up on it, myself. Every time say ‘that was a rude and inappropriate thing to say’. I think it’s really important to publicly challenge statements like that at the source.

lborgia · 28/08/2018 07:14

Hope Grin oh yes, I get that too, but this kind of absent-minded-out-loud-musing about someone in a queue isn’t the same as calling a spade a spade maybe..

If someone has annoyed her grandmother and she gives as good as she gets, that’s one thing, but this had nothing to do with her.

Unfortunately, I don’t think that previous behaviour counts. It’s amazing what a lot of people are secretly thinking, but are too well-mannered to say out loud!

Rosetintedglass · 28/08/2018 07:20

What is with all this poc business. I have never heard that term used in the uk. In the 60s people used the world coloured people but it was made clear this wasnt a word people where happy with.
Does this mean people who are white are now called ponc. I didnt think so. Equally that being white is not a colour. I find the term quite insulting.

Cornrows if done properly do not hurt.
Yes they do take a long time.
Telling someone that a style which is part of their cultural heritage is revoltingis racist.

MarthaArthur · 28/08/2018 08:12

sandy thanks for the explanation.

Anne88 · 28/08/2018 08:16

My mother started making rude remarks about people in the street just before she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. maybe your relative needs a check-up at the doc's?

Nikephorus · 28/08/2018 08:27

It's not racist at all. It does look as if it takes ages to do, and you could say that about a lot of hairstyles worn by people of any colour. And likewise if she doesn't like the look of it that's a personal opinion. Think about a partly-shaved head with a complicated pattern shaved into one side - that would take ages to do and to a lot of people look pretty awful. Relative's only problem is that she expressed her opinions loudly in public and that's much more about her hearing than a reduced social filter.
OP YABU to put racist in the title when it's not about that at all.

SchnooSchnoo · 28/08/2018 08:46

Oh come on! Calling a hairstyle that is almost exclusive to a certain skin colour/hair type ‘revolting’ is racist. I feel like there’s a concerted effort to deny the existence of racism on mumsnet. It’s embarassing.

Being a punk is not a race, therefor commenting on punks’ hair is rude, but not racist.

PattiStanger · 28/08/2018 08:54

I'm not sure that I agree, if you find something revolting it isn't necessarily because it's more common for one race than another. The two things aren't necessarily connected.

A lot of over 80s though are racist simply due to the fact that they were born into a different world and grew up in very different times. Not an excuse at all and obviously no justification for rudeness but I have family members who are otherwise nice people but do sometimes say racist things. I always challenge them but tbh at their age it's not going to make any difference.

SchnooSchnoo · 28/08/2018 09:26

Ok Patti, but I’m not sure it’s actually possible for a hairstyle to be revolting, unless it’s utterly filthy or something, so I suggest the feeling of revulsion is coming from a dislike of people different from you.

SchnooSchnoo · 28/08/2018 09:27

I don’t mean you personally of course!

longwayoff · 28/08/2018 09:39

Its an age thing as pp says, brain changes causing loss of inhibition. If I'm alone at home and, for instance, drop something, I curse out loud like a docker with Tourette's, a stream of language that would get me arrested outside, far and beyond a reasonable response- think Father Jack. So far, this reaction has been restricted to alone at home and hopefully

longwayoff · 28/08/2018 09:41

Cue many curses, posted in error. Hopefully,I never do this jn company.

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