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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Have Deleted Former Colleague From WhatsApp Group?

28 replies

PaulRuddislush · 27/08/2018 20:26

I feel quite shabby and am not interested in hurting feelings but would appreciate perspective.

Two years ago this woman joined our workplace. She said she'd been "bullied out" of two previous posts. We did our best to assure her we were a welcoming, inclusive environment and initially she fitted in well.

Gradually she became more and more difficult to work with, constantly skiving, taking credit for others ideas/work and trying to get others into trouble. She managed to alienate most if not all of the team fairly quickly and we were all very relieved when she took up another post 4 weeks ago. Before she left she asked us to keep her informed of any nights out and made reference to the WhatsApp group.

At work today we were discussing going out and the consensus was we didn't want her there. We need the WhatsApp to arrange things as we're mostly part time and everyone agreed that we should remove her. As group administrator I did so but I feel awful about it, even though she's left. Was AIBU?

OP posts:
Thehop · 27/08/2018 20:28

No not at all! If she asks say this is a team night out but if to have a social she’ll be invited!

StealthPolarBear · 27/08/2018 20:28

You were never friends. Just colleagues.

Apehouse · 27/08/2018 20:28

Nope, not unreasonable, since she has moved on.

BG2015 · 27/08/2018 20:32

We did this with a colleague who left - well we actually just set up another group and kept the previous one but only ever posted on the new one.

Original poster
PaulRuddislush · 27/08/2018 20:33

Aw thanks for the comments. Feel less shitty now.

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 27/08/2018 20:34

I’d have started a new group without her, but that might not have been practical

Lalliella · 27/08/2018 20:35

Can you see if someone deletes you from a WhatsApp group? If yes, then what you did was a bit mean, you should’ve done what BG2015 did.

cardibach · 27/08/2018 20:38

Lalli how is it mean to delete someone from a work WhatsApp when they change jobs?

SendintheArdwolves · 27/08/2018 20:38

You did the right thing. She isn't part of the team anymore, it would be inappropriate for her to be part of a team WhatsApp group.

Aside from that, no one likes her and you guys don't want to hang out with her. What is the alternative - that the whole team spends social time with a person no one likes who no longer works with you? That sounds crazy.

(This is another example of how women are socialised to be nice, often at the expense of their own feelings and boundaries - it's not "mean" to decide you don't want to be friends with some one.)

Pinkyyy · 27/08/2018 20:39

I would have possibly just made a new group without her in it in the interest of not upsetting her, but if none of you intend on keeping in contact then I wouldn't worry about it too much

Original poster
PaulRuddislush · 27/08/2018 20:41

Yes she will have seen it which I didn't know until ds told me but it was too late by then. I did consider making a new group but I couldn't bear the idea of her posting stuff near Christmas asking about nights out etc. I thought this was shitty but slightly more honest.

OP posts:
ApolloandDaphne · 27/08/2018 20:43

We had a Whatsapp group in my previous job. I was the one who left and my colleagues, quite rightly, made a new group. They used it at times to check in where people were and what jobs they were on (social workers) and it wasn't appropriate for me to be part of that. What you did was fine.

Original poster
PaulRuddislush · 27/08/2018 20:43

Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
IRememberSoIDo · 27/08/2018 20:51

I changed roles recently and removed myself from previous team whatsapp almost immediately as it felt inappropriate to be on it. I think you did the right thing, she should've just removed herself and kept in touch if she wants to

Chapterandverse · 27/08/2018 20:56

We have a work WhatsApp and a colleague left about 6 weeks ago.

The other day when discussing something work related which she didn't know background of she pmd me asking what she had missed! It was only then we realised she was still in the group chat!

She was swiftly deleted!

goodgirls · 27/08/2018 21:00

She probably now says she was "bullied out" of the last three jobs!

Its a work whatsapp group, she doesn't work there. I wouldn't have waited 4 minutes, never mind 4 weeks.

Monkee4 · 27/08/2018 21:00

This reminds me - in my last job a group of colleagues said they were going to add me to their What's App group so we could "chat" so they created a new What's app group with my name as the title - I got the hint and told them so! The thing was I hadn't actually asked to join it they had suggested it. Glad to be out of that workplace now and I never post on it anymore as I have moved on.

SendintheArdwolves · 27/08/2018 21:00

I don't see why its somehow "nicer" to make a whole new group that doesn't include her and let the old one go silent - that seems like one of those distinctions without a difference.

The outcome is the same - except that a) it's a hassle, b) it's cowardly, c) it's patronising (in that it assumes the person being left out would be "devastated" and unable to handle it if they found out) and d) there is the chance of someone accidentally posting on the wrong one.

Gemini69 · 27/08/2018 21:28

has she noticed ?

Fluffyears · 27/08/2018 22:18

We had someone like this work with us. She actually wanted to still be in the team lottery syndicate and canenupnevery month to hand in her money. A lot of background but I can’t stand her.

Original poster
PaulRuddislush · 27/08/2018 22:23

Actually that's just reminded me she's in some kind of ménage savings scheme with one of my colleagues who is now saying she wishes she hadn't let her into it as it means she can't cut off all contact with her.
Former colleague is very lacking in self awareness and paradoxically is simultaneously both thick and thin skinned. I've no desire to deliberately hurt her but it's a relief to know she's not in our daily lives anymore, I found her totally exhausting.

OP posts:
Monkee4 · 27/08/2018 23:18

you both sound nice
I am so glad I work with a load of men now - we have a great time get the work done and no bitchy cliques

SemperIdem · 27/08/2018 23:21

That’s standard in a work related social media group. If you leave, you are removed. It’s not shitty, it’s necesasry.

ClumsyFool · 27/08/2018 23:31

We have a group and it’s just an unspoken rule that you remove yourself when you leave. No awkwardness that way.

Stefoscope · 27/08/2018 23:37

YANBU, life is too short to worry about these things. Presumably the group is called something along the lines of 'staff at workplace x'. She sounds like very hard work, I'm sure she'll consider being removed from your whatsapp group as being 'evidence' of being 'bullied out of another workplace'. If you look hard enough for long enough, you'll spot some kind of injustice! The reality is if she'd formed good relationships with other people from your workplace they'd be in at least sporadic contact with her outside of the whatsapp group you deleted her from. There's a good reason you feel relieved not to be in contact with her any longer.

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