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AIBU?

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Original poster

To find it difficult to hear about my DPs exes?

48 replies

saltedcaramelmuffin · 27/08/2018 13:32

DP and I have been together a few months. Last week we got into a conversation about exes, both his and mine, and I found it really difficult. Not jealousy, as such, but just really hard to hear about women he has dated in the past. He didn’t go into massive TMI detail or anything, just about how long they were together for and stuff. I know that now we’ve had that conversation, we probably never need to have it again, and nothing he said is out of the ordinary or weird or anything, but my head is just reeling from it and I’m finding it hard to shake off these thoughts and get back to just enjoying being together.

Does anyone else get this?!

Why do I even find it difficult?!

OP posts:
SemperIdem · 27/08/2018 13:41

I’m the opposite really and find previous relationships really interesting, which is possibly stranger Blush

Original poster
saltedcaramelmuffin · 27/08/2018 14:05

What do you find interesting?

What kind of person are you? Secure? Confident? Anxious?

OP posts:
Twotailed · 27/08/2018 14:08

I also find it quite interesting hearing about my DP’s exes. I’m usually a very anxious person but I am totally secure in my relationship which helps. I suppose I find it interesting knowing how he came to be where he is in life and his exes are part of that. All of his break ups were amicable though and no nasty feelings - I think if there had been I wouldn’t have wanted to hear about his pain.

Popc0rn · 27/08/2018 14:09

We've never really discussed exes, unless you have children with them I see no need to have a conversation about exes...though most of my friends think it's weird that I'm not interested in knowing about his exes.

MagicFajita · 27/08/2018 14:14

I found it difficult hearing about dh's exes. At first I didn't realise why , but I quickly realised that it was because my ex husband used to talk about other women and compare me to them as part of his 'abuse package'.

Could it be something like that op?

Theredcape678 · 27/08/2018 14:17

I’m like you, I find it really hard. I don’t know why, and I tend to avoid asking anything about them because I know I’ll dwell on anything he tells me. It annoys me about myself but I can’t help it

Porridgeprincess · 27/08/2018 14:18

I don't like talking about my ex, or hearing about the partners exes. it is just not something I enjoy talking about as while it may be relevant to how we got to where we are in life now, I don't like the thought of my partner loving someone else!! I am neither jealous or anxious thinking about them, I just don't feel the need to know these things.

AviatorShades · 27/08/2018 14:24

I come from such a weird and wonderful family that's full of anecdotes. Crazy characters who have done crazy things. Yes, I know we're unusual,but....who arrives fully formed into a relationship where there's no back history at all?
You are where you are now. Relax.

SoyDora · 27/08/2018 14:27

It doesn’t bother me at all, it’s all part of his past. I’m often quite interested! All of his past experiences have made him the person he is today.

ThisMustBeMyDream · 27/08/2018 14:40

I find it hard when he talks about his ex's. But that is definitely my own problem - not his.

He has one ex whom he has a child with, and who has physically and mentally abused him. Now, he wouldn't piss on her if she was on fire for what she has done.

He has 5 other ex's (varying 6 months to 2 year relationships). All ended amicably. Reasons from moving away to uni, to moving for work, and at different life stages. He is in contact with all those ex's through one way or another.

At first I found it odd. Now I realise it shows the kind of person he is. He truly is one of life's genuinely nice people. The ability to maintain friendships when romantic relationships end is a positive attribute.

At easter, one of his ex's sent his daughter an Easter egg in the post. She also included 3 more Easter eggs, for my children. I thought this was such a genuine and kind gesture. And that she would do that for an ex?

This ex he has subsequently taken his daughter to meet (his daughter is only a young toddler). He met up with her and her boyfriend (I was invited too but chose not to go) and they had a day out together.

As time has gone on, I've gotten used to it. But it's taken time. I won't deny flutters of jealousy. But I know there is nothing to be jealous of.

It's also helped me realise how awful his ex (who he has a child with) actually is. Which is helpful when you're first getting to know someone who is going through a difficult situation (family court).

It's not just you who finds it difficult.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/08/2018 14:46

Doesn't bother me at all. You can learn a lot about a person by the way they speak about their former partners.

CookPassBabtridge · 27/08/2018 14:50

In the first year I found it made me a bit jealous, but after a year I felt really secure with him and it didn't bother me a bit. 10 years later and I ask him to describe sex with them as it turns me on Blush Tortally weird but guess it means I feel we are really solid Grin

CookPassBabtridge · 27/08/2018 14:50

Totally*

pinkhorse · 27/08/2018 14:52

I find it really interesting.

MawkishTwaddle · 27/08/2018 14:54

Blimey, Cook, you're brave!

I kind of know what you mean but I wouldn't dare ask

Original poster
saltedcaramelmuffin · 27/08/2018 14:55

Doesn't bother me at all. You can learn a lot about a person by the way they speak about their former partners

That really helps. If i can view it as something interesting and a way to learn a bit more about him, then it’s easier than leaving me feeling really insecure, which is what it has done.

And that’s totally my stuff, and I know it.

OP posts:
SlothSlothSloth · 27/08/2018 14:57

I think it depends how secure you feel in the relationship, as a PP said above. I don’t really talk about exes much but have felt massively insecure about them when I’ve been in more unreliable relationships. Now I feel more secure I just find my partner’s exes interesting to hear about, though they rarely come up.

Do you think you might be subconsciously worried about him leaving (doesn’t mean he will, just means it’s an anxiety you’re harbouring, probably irrationally)? Just remember everyone has exes, and the way you feel about your exes (probably pretty indifferent in most cases) will be much like how he feels about his.

Original poster
saltedcaramelmuffin · 27/08/2018 14:59

And cook I totally get I ask him to describe sex with them as it turns me on

There is a really fine line for me between an odd sort of jealousy and finding the thought of him having good sex with someone else really arousing

OP posts:
Original poster
saltedcaramelmuffin · 27/08/2018 15:02

Sloth yes there is an element of insecurity about whether we can make it work when maybe in the past he has felt the same way as he feels about me and it hasn’t worked out.

He hasn’t made a big deal about it at all, and yes, I feel indifferent about my exes. My ex used to talk about “the one that got away”, and I often felt second best to her. But that’s not my current DP, and I just need to be a little more secure in where we are at.

OP posts:
NewLevelsOfTiredness · 27/08/2018 15:08

My girlfriend and I know the full ins and outs of not just exes but one night stands etc. It's not always a delight to hear but I prefer to deal with the jealous flashes and get over them, and know the full path she's taken to be the person I fell in love with. Same for her.

We're actually more jealous of the years that the exes got to spend with them, if that makes sense, even though we both feel we probably weren't 'ready' for each other when we were younger.

We're in our late thirties and it just feels like if we didn't discuss this stuff, we'd not have as great an understanding of what made us individually into the people we are now.

Twotailed · 27/08/2018 15:12

You can learn a lot about a person by the way they speak about their former partners.

This is very, very true

Spanglyprincess1 · 27/08/2018 15:20

I don't care as such but I like to know. Interesting to know why ended u guess and that there amicable ish. I'm open about mine, I'm in contact with all my ex's even if just briefly bar one who was an utter pray and that is due to his behaviour not mine.
It's normal to feel some jelous but they are ex's for a reason!

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 27/08/2018 15:32

I hate it, even when he mentions girls from school etc - I get irrationally wound up (not to the point where he knows it, just in my head!) His most recent ex, with whom he had his DCs is still very much in the picture and I have to spend time with her at family events. At one of the DCs’ birthday dinners I had to sit and listen to her talk about DP’s “super sperm” and how quickly he “knocked her up”. Angry That was not my favourite day. So yes, I get how you feel! Even though I’m as secure as I can be that he won’t leave me (and actually feel pretty stoical imagining what I’d do if he ever did cheat or leave me) I would still rather bury my head in the sand re exes generally. The only saving grace is that he says he used to be shit in bed - he was always too selfish to care about anyone’s pleasure but his own. He certainly learned the error of his ways and came into our relationship all guns blazing in that department!

Singlenotsingle · 27/08/2018 15:35

My dp got married very young, and I knew them both at the time, so I know all I want to know, and possibly all there is to know!

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 27/08/2018 15:39

I don't think it's ever bothered me with DH; he's in touch with a couple of exes and I've met one on a night out; she was lovely and we spent ages chatting.

DS1's Dad and I get on well so DH has always known that the most recent Ex was in the picture. We do birthdays and christmas together for DS1 and both of them just get on with it. I think that probably helps me not to think of DH's exes in a negative way; I can't be narky of his when mine comes in for coffee whenever he picks up DS1.