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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To find it difficult to hear about my DPs exes?

48 replies

saltedcaramelmuffin · 27/08/2018 13:32

DP and I have been together a few months. Last week we got into a conversation about exes, both his and mine, and I found it really difficult. Not jealousy, as such, but just really hard to hear about women he has dated in the past. He didn’t go into massive TMI detail or anything, just about how long they were together for and stuff. I know that now we’ve had that conversation, we probably never need to have it again, and nothing he said is out of the ordinary or weird or anything, but my head is just reeling from it and I’m finding it hard to shake off these thoughts and get back to just enjoying being together.

Does anyone else get this?!

Why do I even find it difficult?!

OP posts:

DuchessofManchester · 27/08/2018 16:00

I know the absolute basics of dhs two exes. How long they were together and why they broke up. If I knew names etc I know I'm the type of person to Facebook stalk them

Livinglavidal0ca · 27/08/2018 16:46

My ex used to say his exes were crazy. My new partner said his exes were nice people but not right for him. I think that says a lot about him as a person.
I’m another one that finds it interesting!

SemperIdem · 27/08/2018 17:02

I think how they describe their ex and reasons why the relationship ended are what I find interesting. Someone who is highly derisory about their ex is someone I would take a dim view of, because relationship break downs are so rarely one sided.

I’m pretty confident in terms of relationships and secure in them whilst I’m in one.

I can be anxious but that tends to be work related rather than relationship related.

71HourAhmed · 27/08/2018 17:16

Hearing about his exes makes me feel quite sad at times. I think it's because it feels like it's time that was wasted by us not being together. (nevermind the fact that when he was with these exes he lived hundreds of miles away from me and we'd never have met if it weren't for him moving with his ex-wife to be closer to her family..) That's the only way I can kind of rationalise it to myself. Everything about him feels so right, I can't imagine him not being in my life, and looking back at our exes the proof is there that he wasn't always there.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 27/08/2018 17:24

It doesn't bother me, in fact we tease each other about our exes. Sometimes one of us will have an anecdote about something (for example a film we have seen) and can't remember if we saw it with each other or an ex (we've been together nearly 20 years) and we chat about it and neither of us is jealous or upset. I do find it hard to think of him doing things with his ex wife though sometimes, but he doesn't talk about it, it's just we might do something and I'll wonder if he did it with her. But I know that's my issue.

I'm really anxious and have low self esteem, but am really secure in our marriage. I know I have nothing to worry about there.

Queenofthestress · 27/08/2018 17:38

I know every single one of dp's ex's, was there when he met them, when he got with them the full works! I'm still friends with almost all of them & he's still friends with mine barring the ones I dated out of mine & his social circle. But he knows every single one because I've never hidden who I've dated, he's seen pics, knows full reasons why we broke up and on several occasions encouraged me to end it when the relationship was crap

Original poster

saltedcaramelmuffin · 27/08/2018 17:39

I suffer really badly with anxiety so I’m wondering if this is just another context where this is playing out.

He is pretty complimentary about his exes and most of the reasons for things ending were that they were wanting different things in life.

I absolutely know that if I had met him before now, I wouldn’t have been ready for this relationship, and it’s probably working because we’ve both been through stuff in previous relationships that we have learned from and grown from. If it weren’t for those experiences neither of us would be who we are today.

I can rationalise it.

But I think I’m left with a feeling of not feeling good enough. Or insecure that they were in some way better than me. Which I know makes no sense because they are exes and he is together with me now. It’s just feeding into my own anxiety and previous past stuff that I’m not good enough. And I don’t know how to let that go.

OP posts:

OldGreyBoots · 27/08/2018 17:44

No advice OP but I'm the exact same. Not been to the doctor yet but I feel I desperately need help for these anxious feelings: I had something verging on a panic attack the last time we went out with his friends, as a couple of them are fond of playing "never have I ever" and I just can't handle hearing about DP's sexual past.

Gah81 · 27/08/2018 17:45

I think you need to have at least one conversation about your exes with your partner over the course of your relationship: you can tell a lot about a person from the way they talk about them and how it ended (are all his exes apparently crazy? Is he consistently rude about them? Was every single breakup clearly a bad one? Any of these would put me on the alert).

I am mostly with PP on finding conversations about exes interesting. BUT one of DH's exes that I find it tricky to hear about is this beautiful academic - who is quite often on business news etc. and even though I am pretty confident and secure, I bristle every time I see her on screen!

FASH84 · 27/08/2018 17:49

I've known my DH since I was eleven we were very close friends from about 14 onwards, so I've known his exes over the years, one of the reasons I'm so secure in our relationship is I've seen how he deals with relationships falling apart, a previous partner's mental health issues and so on. It tells me a lot about him as a person.

Original poster

saltedcaramelmuffin · 27/08/2018 18:02

Do you know, I’ve never even taken time to consider that how a person talks about their exes would be telling about them as a person. Duh!

I’m now wondering how I might have described mine to him and what he thinks of me!!!

Also trying to remember waaaaaaaay back to how my ex husband (complete emotionally abusing narcissist) described his exes....

OP posts:

Original poster

saltedcaramelmuffin · 27/08/2018 18:04

The one that bothers me most is someone he says he had a purely sexual relationship with. That was pretty much all there was between them.

Why does that bother me more than someone he was married to, or a relationship he was in for a few years?!

OP posts:

funinthesun18 · 27/08/2018 18:05

I’m not jealous at all because really there is nothing to be jealous of 🙈 Just a pity he wasn’t more careful when he was in his early 20s and clubbing it and didn’t put something on the end of it because now he has to deal with his ex for years.

CakeNinja · 27/08/2018 18:07

Dp and I have never really had a conversation about any of our exes. I do know of them and he knows of mine but I have to say, I’m not really interested in finding anything out about them and vice versa.

Frosty6611 · 27/08/2018 18:14

My Dp is still very good friends with an ex of his. She’s married but I still feel insecure when he spends time with her (but I try and keep it to myself as don’t want to stop him being friends with someone he’s known a lot longer than me and he’s assured me he doesn’t see her in that way at all anymore and hasn’t for at least ten years.

I hate any mention of ex’s as I’m a naturally insecure/anxious person but I’m trying to work through some of those issues with CBT

crosstalk · 27/08/2018 18:19

Oh dear - other side of the coin here. My soon to be x-DP has a new GF. Alas I don't think she has the full story. I know (don't ask me) he's said I'm not interested in sex (yes, but not with him) that I nag (yes because he's unreliable - leaving me to do everything) and that I've never supported him (yes, throughout both work, sacked three times, DDUI, and bringing up his DCs in the pub while I worked late - and in his sporting interests). On top of which he got increasingly aggressive. She'll find it out but since he's late middle age it may not be an issue.

So either you trust someone or you don't and realize there are two sides to a story. As for OPs original question - this is something you can discount if there were no major relationships/children/something they did together which matters terribly to him. Doesn't sound like it so if you like the chap, get over yourself.

Racecardriver · 27/08/2018 18:22

I love hearing about DHs ex girlfriends but that maybe because we're married (his only wife) so there is no insecurity or element of competition. Or it maybe because my DHs dating history is quite outrageous

MawkishTwaddle · 27/08/2018 19:19

My DP's exes were all super high fliers, dancers, singers, etc.

And he's ended up with me. Don't get it

OutPinked · 27/08/2018 19:43

I have had to gain the perspective that my DP has to actually see my exH since I have DC with him whereas I’ll likely never be faced with his exes. If he can deal with that and never feel jealous, I can deal with him occasionally mentioning some ex from over half a decade ago.

He only ever really mentions his only previous serious GF from time to time when it somehow fits in with the conversation. I don’t particularly like hearing about her but she cheated on him throughout, he was 18/19 at the time and he’s grown up a lot since then to an extent she really isn’t his type anymore so 🤷🏻‍♀️

Original poster

saltedcaramelmuffin · 27/08/2018 22:23

I hate any mention of ex’s as I’m a naturally insecure/anxious person but I’m trying to work through some of those issues with CBT

Is the CBT helping?

OP posts:

Gacapa · 27/08/2018 22:36

I hated it with my last DP. But he mentioned them quite frequently. And there were quite a few. There was also the fact he’d slept with over 400 women. I couldn’t hack it. No matter how much I loved him and he loved me, his sexual history was just too outlandish and seedy, to me anyway. My inability to make peace with it was the main factor in our break up and I was heartbroken for a long time. Still am really.

Try reading about retroactive jealousy. It is corrosive. CBT should help.

Ethylred · 27/08/2018 22:50

Knowing about DP's exes told me something important of who DP is.
OP, you come across as insecure and needy.

SlothSlothSloth · 29/08/2018 08:47

OP, I think your anxiety is normal to some extent, at least in a very new/not very secure relationship. If you’re still feeling like this a year down the line then it will be a problem, though. Definitely be careful not to let him know about the partner jealousy/anxiety - it can feel very offputting and come across as controlling. Keep it to yourself or vent on here and with friends until it fades (which it will!).

Gacapa your situation is totally different and really completely justified, and honestly I don’t think most women would want to go out with a man who had slept with 400 women, for many reasons.

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