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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL wanting to borrow money

68 replies

cindyloulou · 27/08/2018 10:58

This could be quite outing and long so I'll try to keep it brief. MILs car is old, broken down and pretty much unusable. She needs it for work (who have been completely unsympathetic but that's another story). I have a car which she has been borrowing "just for work" (fully insured for this) but its becoming more and more often and being used outside of work and leaving me stuck nearly everyday - I'm on maternity so dont need the car as much but Im tied down to when she's busy and she makes me feel guilty for saying no/offers to drop me off at said place I am going and pick me up DH doesnt drive but is nearing his test and hoping to buy a secondhand car.

I go back to work in a month so she will have to stop using my car then. She cries to DH that she cannot afford a new car, can't afford this and that for her kids etc and is pushing him into getting a finance car solely in his name and they can share it and she will give him half the money each month (she says she has a bad credit rating so can't get the car in her name). DH doesnt want to as more than likely he will be left paying the finance off and I'm sure this is illegal (?) and not fair to keep pushing onto him at all. Instead, he has offered to lend her £600 of his savings for a new car, which she could get an ideal car for her and her 2 kids. My first car I bought off Facebook and it was great so I sent her a link to a few cars. She said she'd rather have a finance, newer car and that night badgered DH on the phone and also cried saying she had no money so he gave her £50. I thought this would've been for an emergency, food, bills etc?

The next day I went shopping with her and she spent over £60 on cushions, curtains, home accesories etc that she doesnt need just wants as she is updating her living room. It's made me so mad that she guilt tripped DH to offering her money but can spend and spend and spend. Not to mention she's gone on a last minute holiday to Portugal.

DH said he isnt going to get the car out on finance but with the way its going it looks like she will push him into it as soon she will have no use of my car and is still refusing the offer of getting one secondhand.

She is normally lovely but it's made me so angry that she is using DH like this (and to a certain extent me, she lied about giving her friend a lift in my car and said she was working).

OP posts:

lowtide · 27/08/2018 11:04

It’s up to your dh to stand up to her. This will be a lesson in life for him one way or the other.

dinosaurkisses · 27/08/2018 11:04

You know you aren’t being unreasonable.

I would make it very clear to DH that him proceeding to take out a finance arrangement “jointly” 🙄 would not go down well, and that you don’t feel you should be supplementing the income of a grown woman who is working full time.

Besides, if it’s a finance agreement with a balloon payment at the end (usually after 2-3 years of regular payments) one of them will have to decide to take the car on- would MIL want it at that stage, and would she be able to finance the last payment herself? It would just be kicking the can down the road.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 27/08/2018 11:09

She said she'd rather have a finance, newer car

Well, tough titties she can't afford it, I'd love a ferrari but I can't have one

You've been more than generous offering the £600 loan AND lending your car for her use (and she's taken the piss with it). If she refuses the secondhand car that's her problem, not yours. Stand your ground.

Cauliflowersqueeze · 27/08/2018 11:11

Don’t lend to her. She sounds irresponsible and thoughtless.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 27/08/2018 11:12

She’s had a holiday?! That would have bought a car. Don’t lend her money or take out finance for her. She has a bad credit rating because she’s bad with her money and other people’s. Only give her money you don’t want back.

RJnomore1 · 27/08/2018 11:13

You absolutely cannot let him do this as it would connect his credit history to hers and as you are married impact on yours longer term if she has a bad credit rating.

Or if shejust wants him to take it out in his name again absolutely not as he is liable for the lot not her and if circumstances change you're up shit creek.

I'm not usually dramatic but TBH if dh did this I would leave him. It's the potential long term implications for his family and children.

The £600 offer is very generous. It's more than enough.

legobedamned · 27/08/2018 11:13

She’s got bad credit for a reason, she buys things she can’t afford. There’s your problem. Tell DH that he’ll be enabling her if he continues to give her money.

Clutterbugsmum · 27/08/2018 11:13

Sounds like she buys things she wants and then expect your dh to pay for food. And now a car.

Why didn’t you ask her if the money she spent on cushions was the money dh gave her food

If dh buys a car with her he will end paying for it all. And his mum will end ‘borrowing’ it all the time. And when dh uses it will need filling up and probably cleaning

Ariela · 27/08/2018 11:14

How about you find and buy a new car for MIL with your DH's savings, and you give her 6 months to pay it back (can't imagine she will, whatever you do is lost money). Loads of £500 ones in good nick with low mileage just old from recently given up driving pensioners cars on FB.
Don't offer, or tell her in advance, just do it and present it to her as a surprise.

EmUntitled · 27/08/2018 11:29

If she wants a newer car on finance she needs to pay for it herself and take on the credit herself. If she has a bad credit rating she is not the sort of person you want to have a "joint" finance agreement with. When she fails to pay, it will affect your husbands credit and/or he will end up paying the finance for her.

You have been more than generous to offer her £600. If she refuses it, don't offer again!

RandomMess · 27/08/2018 11:45

You and DH need to discuss it and come to an agreement, then speak to MIL together and TELL her what the decision is.

She has abused your kindness and will continue to do so... is there no public transport option to get place of work? Also to they do employee loans?

bengalcat · 27/08/2018 11:48

No way . You've been more than generous in lending your car and offering to buy her a small runaround for £600 . She can take it or leave it .

pasttimes11 · 27/08/2018 11:49

If she borrows £600 sort out in advance how she intends to pay back, perhaps set up a direct debit. Otherwise from what you've said it's unlikely she'll bother. She also needs to know that her son has a duty to you and the kids first and foremost. Lending money out should be a joint decision. Why should hard earned savings go to someone who seems to enjoy spending other people's money so frivolously.

ENormaSnob · 27/08/2018 11:51

I despise finacially incontinent adults.

Your dh is a mug.

MyDcAreMarvel · 27/08/2018 11:55

How old are her children?

WhatWouldLeslieKnopeDo · 27/08/2018 11:57

I'd stop letting her use your car to be honest. Or you could offer to drop her to and from work if you're feeling generous. Then you'll have use of your own car when you need it.

Did you tell your husband about the cushions etc? What did he say?

Definitely do not buy the car on finance.

myusernamewastakenbyme · 27/08/2018 12:01

I do not lend to or borrow from anyone....it has stood me in good stead through my whole life....

IdaDown · 27/08/2018 12:01

Only lend what you can afford to lose.

But let’s be honest - whichever way she gets the car, you’re not getting the money back.

Twillow · 27/08/2018 12:01

Be firm, both of you. She 'can't afford it' because she wants to keep the amount of disposable income she clearly does have. While I'm not averse to a little comfort shopping, to do it WITH YOU THERE is thoughtless and just plain stupid tbh

RabbitsAreTasty · 27/08/2018 12:06

You say you know your dh will be worn down by his mother. Your job is to strengthen his backbone.

Make sure he feels the strength of your feelings. Sadly, when pressured he has to feel more scared of you / guilty about you than of her.

I'd start by massively curtailing the lifts right now. Those cushions would be mentioned every single day, as would preferring new things bought by other people. I'd do it in a jokey way. Keep the memory of the lunacy alive. Don't let it be forgotten or normalised.

sprinklesandsauce · 27/08/2018 12:11

Please please make your DH realise that finance would be a very bad idea. She has proved that she is crap with money, and that she blows it on unnecessary things rather than save for a car etc.

I had an ex family member just like that, pleaded poverty , said they couldn't afford food but blew loads of money on their "hobby". They went bankrupt after having already been bailed out by other family members, and sadly passed away leaving everyone in debt and liable for it as it was in their own names not the deceased.

You need to get your car back. If you lend her the £600 don't expect to see it again, and please please DO NOT take out finance as she will never make the monthly payments, I can guarantee it.

Explain to your DH that your reasons for this are fully backed up by the fact that she could have spent £60 on public transport, or saved for a car, but chose not to.

He is totally enabling her, and she is putting him on a guilt trip. I know it must be hard but he needs to stand firm and say no or she will never sort her own life out.

sprinklesandsauce · 27/08/2018 12:12

(I did refuse to help the ex family member with vehicle finance, as I did not want to become liable for their debt, because they had been bailed out so many times, I knew it wouldn't end well, so have been in your situation).

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 27/08/2018 12:14

I hope DH doesn't cave in with the car on finance OP. It sounds like it's likely that he will end up paying the monthly fees.

ApolloandDaphne · 27/08/2018 12:16

She could afford a car but she chose to spend the money on a holiday instead. She knows that your DH will bail her out so doesn't bother prioritising her money. This time your DH has to say 'no' to her and stick to it. She will soon learn to reprioritise her money.

gamerwidow · 27/08/2018 12:17

Do not get the finance your mil may start off with the very best intentions but people like that can never keep the commitments. There will always be something that comes up that means she can’t make the payments every month,

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