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Original poster

MIL wanting to borrow money

68 replies

cindyloulou · 27/08/2018 10:58

This could be quite outing and long so I'll try to keep it brief. MILs car is old, broken down and pretty much unusable. She needs it for work (who have been completely unsympathetic but that's another story). I have a car which she has been borrowing "just for work" (fully insured for this) but its becoming more and more often and being used outside of work and leaving me stuck nearly everyday - I'm on maternity so dont need the car as much but Im tied down to when she's busy and she makes me feel guilty for saying no/offers to drop me off at said place I am going and pick me up Angry DH doesnt drive but is nearing his test and hoping to buy a secondhand car.

I go back to work in a month so she will have to stop using my car then. She cries to DH that she cannot afford a new car, can't afford this and that for her kids etc and is pushing him into getting a finance car solely in his name and they can share it and she will give him half the money each month (she says she has a bad credit rating so can't get the car in her name). DH doesnt want to as more than likely he will be left paying the finance off and I'm sure this is illegal (?) and not fair to keep pushing onto him at all. Instead, he has offered to lend her £600 of his savings for a new car, which she could get an ideal car for her and her 2 kids. My first car I bought off Facebook and it was great so I sent her a link to a few cars. She said she'd rather have a finance, newer car and that night badgered DH on the phone and also cried saying she had no money so he gave her £50. I thought this would've been for an emergency, food, bills etc?

The next day I went shopping with her and she spent over £60 on cushions, curtains, home accesories etc that she doesnt need just wants as she is updating her living room. It's made me so mad that she guilt tripped DH to offering her money but can spend and spend and spend. Not to mention she's gone on a last minute holiday to Portugal.

DH said he isnt going to get the car out on finance but with the way its going it looks like she will push him into it as soon she will have no use of my car and is still refusing the offer of getting one secondhand.

She is normally lovely but it's made me so angry that she is using DH like this (and to a certain extent me, she lied about giving her friend a lift in my car and said she was working).

OP posts:
Fluffyears · 27/08/2018 12:23

You know your husband will be left paying for a car that he never gets the use of. She’s already proved that she will turn on the guilt when she had taken your car. She has a choice £600 LOAN take it or leave it.

paperbattles · 27/08/2018 12:26

if you do lend her the £600 or any other amount you need to put it in writing, with clear repayment date and provisions. Both parties should sign it. It is difficult to do this with families as it suggests lack of trust, but just say it is for clarity and because you and DH are married it affects your joint finances or such like. Otherwise in case of disagreement or other unfortunate circumstances such as death, bankruptcy, it will be assumed to be a gift.
If someone asks to borrow money then you are entitled to judge their spending patterns. You have to judge if they will repay or cause problems; and this will be affected by how they spend money. Your husband has to resist the emotional manipulation and enabling. Your relationship with MIL seems to be all financial not love and support. Of course you want to help someone in need, but it has to be clearly understood, and the help already given should be appreciated. I think your MIL probably has emotional issues underlying and hopefully that will be the key.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 27/08/2018 12:35

Despite turning on the waterworks it's clearly not that she can't afford a car, more that she'd rather spend on other things (holiday, home furnishings ...) That's her choice to make, and your DH - whose priority should be you and the DCs - very kindly chose to offer her £600, which apparently still isn't enough

I believe you need to make some firm decisions here and to do it as a couple, because otherwise this won't stop until she's bled you dry. No doubt you'll have hysterics to cope with, but if she'd do that anyway it might as well be now, while you're still solvent

BewareOfDragons · 27/08/2018 12:36

Your MIL isn't lovely. She's an entitled user who is only lovely when everyone is giving her what she feels is her due. Hence her demands for a newer car on finance in someone else's name and based on someone else's bank account, instead of buying something she can actually afford herself. Hence her demands for money to update her living room, when she can't afford it herself. Hence her last minute holiday for herself, all while sobbing about needing other people to lend her and buy her cars for transport.

Tell her to sort herself out. And tell your DH to stop lending her money.

happypoobum · 27/08/2018 12:37

This is down to your DH really isn't it?

He has to decide who he would rather upset - his mummy or his wife.

Gingefringe · 27/08/2018 12:43

So she has two kids in addition to your DH? Where's their father in all of this?

Stuckinthis · 27/08/2018 12:45

This is technically a DH problem, in that he needs to grow a backbone.

However you need to impress on him that this is a decision that effects both of you. If he takes out finance and it’s ends up having a negative effect on his credit (which it is more than likely to do as she clearly can’t pay), then it will have an impact on your finances too as being married means you are financially linked.

So you need to make it very clear to DH that his loyalties needs to be with you and your new baby - by all means just by her a cheap run around car but don’t do something that will be so detrimental to both of you.

RB68 · 27/08/2018 12:45

I think what you will find is she has substantial debt in her name and hence ot able to finance a car. She needs to cut back and budget herself so the answer is no and do not loan her the 600 either, if you want to use it to help with a car you go with her and hand over as case to dealer etc - if she has it in her hands she will fritter it sounds utterly crap with money

rookiemere · 27/08/2018 12:46

Your DH shouldn't even give her the £600 as everyone knows very clearly that you'll never see a penny of it back - and what happens when it needs servicing ?

I assume you're not wealthy or you'd have more to spare, so I'd be getting very forceful with your DH about this. She buys cushions and holidays with your money - incidentally why did you not pull her up when she was buying the household stuff. I'd have said straight away that the money was for necessities not non essentials.

You can't change her - I remember distinctly even though it must be 20 years ago, a friend complaining how broke she was, then showing me the £60 she'd spent on sodding scented candles.

ReservoirDogs · 27/08/2018 12:46

Take you car back. She can get the bus to work.

Or give her a lift there and take car home with you and she can get the bus back.

enough is enough!

In most families (ie your DH, you and your DC) you share money so his savings are yours too.

Tinkobell · 27/08/2018 12:46

With a baby of your own on the way, you're going to need all the money you can lay your hands on soon. Don't pay the car finance for MIL. Tell her that you will need that money for a child bank fund for the new baby.

Tinkobell · 27/08/2018 12:48

I agree with @RB68, I think she has debts that she's possibly not told you about. Be careful or her debts may become yours too.

Angie169 · 27/08/2018 12:50

I agree with PP your £600 is plenty to get a decent little runaround ,
Do not get one on finance , your DH will end up paying for it all and because he is a new driver and her bad credit the insurance would be sky high plus who pays for the increase if one of them has a accident ( which is possible with DH been a new driver )
If she keeps on insisting tell her to start putting away however much the finance would be plus however it would cost per month to run ( fuel , insurance mot etc ) into a new bank account .
She can do this while DH is waiting to pass his test and it will give everyone a idea of how committed she is to paying for it .

Could DH or you sit down with her and go through her bills / outgoings and income and see if there is anyway you can show her that she can afford to buy one on her own .
A lot of the time people do not realise how much they are spending esp on 'little treats ' like take away coffee / bought lunch / that trinket / cushion etc until they see it wrote down .
I use to treat myself to a coffee every friday until I realised I was spending well over £100 a year just on coffee but often had a Brownie too . So now I only have one once a fortnight ( payday ) saving me a minimum of £60 a year .

Birdsgottafly · 27/08/2018 12:57

Don't just give her £600, tell your DH he has to get involved with getting a car, because otherwise she is under no obligation to use the money for a Car and will be back begging for a car on finance.

You will pick up the Bill for this. Just put it as why is she more in need than your children?

I know a few decent little cars for around £200-300, if you live in an expensive area, look to get one further afield, it can work out a better deal.

Gersemi · 27/08/2018 12:59

It's really simple. Your DH needs to point out that, as she has enough money for a holiday and unnecessary home furnishings, she clearly doesn't need help with buying a car. And then tell her he's not prepared to discuss it any more.

NoFucksImAQueen · 27/08/2018 13:05

she's a pisstaker! stop giving her anything. sorry mil but if you put the money you'd spent on the holiday and refurbishing the front room then you could have bought a car by now. we need our cars and won't be able to lend you ours or any money

highchairhell · 27/08/2018 13:06

Thing that's sad about this is that it's a constant circle. Your dh will end up giving in because he's used to doing so and the emotional abuse and guilt will be too much. So she will carry on and keep borrowing. Neither is good for them but it needs someone to stop it properly; be that person! Say to your dh no. That's it. Just no. You've offered £600. You have been ridiculously and lovingly generous. You're done!

Fluffycloudland77 · 27/08/2018 13:09

I think you need stern words with your dh, Your baby comes first not his financially incontinent mother.

She's not that nice, she's tapping her kids for money. Has there been a history of her parents bailing her out up till now?.

Missingstreetlife · 27/08/2018 13:17

People have different ideas of broke, and different ways of managing.
I used to regularly lend small amounts to someone I thought was skint, even though I was overdrawn. Eventually discovered her idea of skint was needing to use her own overdraft. More fool me.

FinallyHere · 27/08/2018 13:18

Bad as she sounds, this is so not a MiL thread and everything about a DH not being able to say no to his mother. Sorry, but there it is....

Puzzledandpissedoff · 27/08/2018 13:19

If she keeps on insisting tell her to start putting away however much the finance would be plus however it would cost per month to run ... into a new bank account. She can do this while DH is waiting to pass his test and it will give everyone a idea of how committed she is to paying for it

This is actually an excellent idea. She'll almost certainly come up with excuses for not saving, but at least that should make things clearer

I'd hope DH will prioritise you and the DC and that it won't come down to "who shouts loudest", but maybe that's something to keep a close eye on?

C8H10N4O2 · 27/08/2018 13:22

Bad credit record and financially incontinent and applying emotional pressure? Doesn't suggest someone who is likely to pay back a loan or their share of a finance agreement.

I would not sign up to any deal with someone like this. If you want go gift her a 600 ukp car then that is up to you but I doubt you will see any repayment from someone like this.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 27/08/2018 13:24

I’m sorry but you need to help your dh see through the fog. There are plenty of wiser people on here who could point you in the right direction. You say he will bend because of his guilt. Fear. Obligation. Guilt. She’s a textbook case.

If he can’t see that the ‘emergency’ money he lent her got spunked on bloody cushions and a last minute holiday is more important than her ‘essential’ car then he needs real help.

I would try and help him use the birth of your child as a line in the sand. He has a child to prioritise. He is throwing money away (as that’s what his mum is essentially doing) rather than feed/clothe his own child.

There are some great suggestions here on how to ensure she will save. But I think in reality she’s a financial loose cannon. I also think she has debts you don’t know about. Can’t get a car on finance? Steer well clear. You do not want to get tied in with her.

Bluelady · 27/08/2018 13:28

You'll never see a penny of the £600 back but if your husband really wants to help her out, the idea of buying a suitable car and handing her the keys is a good one.

Petalflowers · 27/08/2018 13:36

I’m guessing mil hasn’t contributed to the insurance on your car...!, or helps toward petrol costs etc.

Don’t do the finance in your name. You’ll end up paying for it.

Bluelsdy (and similar posters) idea is the way forward if you want to help her.

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