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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Event two weeks post section

38 replies

cocopops33 · 27/08/2018 10:15

This is slightly sensitive and I'm not sure if I'm BU or mil is being slightly selfish about her expectations regarding my recovery.
I'm due to have a section in a few weeks time. Two weeks after my section date it is fils anniversary mass. For the first few years after fil passed away mil would have a mass said and invite family and friends back for a buffet at her house but she hasn't done this in a few years and instead we've just had attended mass and gone for a meal with just immediate family. This year mil wants to do a mass to mark fils anniversary which is fine but then have a buffet at her house with all friends and family attending and keeps saying how it will be great for everyone to meet the new baby. I'm not keen on this and am feeling under pressure as I want to be there for DH but I'm not feeling comfortable being in a full house of 20 of more people some of them with young kids with a newborn 2 weeks post section. I'm hoping to breastfeed also. Im also worried about the baby been passed around by so many people some are smokers and I think it would be harder to ensure people were washing their hands before holding the baby. WIBU to ask DH to drive me home after the mass and let him attend the buffet on his own?

OP posts:

Ceecee18 · 27/08/2018 10:23

YANBU. I didn't have a section, but 2 weeks after having DD I was exhausted and wouldn't have wanted to be sat in a room full of people having to make small talk (the smoking would worry me also). That being said, some people feel bounce back quicker than other. I just wouldn't commit to anything at the moment, but privately warn DH that I would most likely want to go home with baby, and then tell MIL you don't feel up to it nearer to the time. If you say no now, it's likely you'll get nagged to go until baby's born anyway.

FuckyDuzz · 27/08/2018 10:26

I couldn’t think of anything worse
2 weeks post section I still hadn’t worn anything other than tracksuit bottoms or leggings and was still very much in recovery
I absolutely could not have gone to any kind of event
Tell them to stop being so bloody ridiculous
You’ll have just had major surgery and have a newborn to look after!

Original poster

cocopops33 · 27/08/2018 10:28

That's so true @Ceecee18. I know what I'm feeling now is my own anxieties about the upcoming birth and recovery.

OP posts:

ADastardlyThing · 27/08/2018 10:29

The smoking thing is irrelevant and I wouldn't mention it at all as everyone will have suggestions to get around it.

I'd be amazed if you are actually able to go let alone feel like it. I'd concentrate on that "yes hopefully I'll be ok to come, we'll have to see" and leave it at that. I wouldn't even be planning to go to the mass tbh, don't they go on for hours?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 27/08/2018 10:35

I’d skip the mass too I think. I was out and about within a week of both sections. (Went to pub for lunch 2 days after the last one). At the two week point, I wouldn’t have wanted to wear smart clothes, breastfeed in front of Family I didn’t know well or be stuck with a strict timetable. I’d go with “I’m not sure I’ll be up to it MIL, I’ll see how I feel on the day”.

I did go to a wedding at 6 weeks after baby 2 (but without taking her) and it was a pain in the arse.

GoJetterGirl · 27/08/2018 10:42

YADNBU! Wow, I didn’t get dressed if I could help it for the first few weeks! I just wanted to be at home, without visitors and being left to bleed/leak in peace. Breast feeding also works best if you’re not being made to feel uncomfortable, and at only 2 weeks post partum you’re not going to be anywhere near established feed wise.

Side note (not to de-rail, but I found that limiting visitors when I was trying to establish feeding helped as I was able to just feed, rather than have to move to another room/ feel like I was being unreasonable to do so/ have to demand my child back because so and so hasn’t had a hold yet etc etc)

I guess what I’m saying is this: you don’t even have to go to Mass, let alone the buffet after, tell DH that you are going to be at home recovering from quite serious stomach surgery and you would appreciate it if he fought your corner as it is you who will be in pain (hopefully not in pain for too long, but mine lasted about 2-3 weeks) you who has to establish breastfeeding and you who will be feeling pretty protective of your new baby and god help anyone who crosses lines with regards to boundaries so soon after you’ve given birth...

Kittykat93 · 27/08/2018 10:43

Fuck that. I wouldn't have done it after giving birth vaginally either as it took a good 3 weeks for me to be able to handle a car journey without crying ! You need to do what's best for both of you. If they don't like it, tough.

mrs2468 · 27/08/2018 10:46

I think c section is irrelevant you will have just had a baby two weeks before. I managed to go out for lunch five days post c section and a walk two weeks after. I still had my maternity leggings on (still do) and took me ages to get out the house at my own pace. However everyone is different. I would say to them if you feel up to it you will attend but you will need to see how you feel on the day. Perhaps suggest if you can't go lighting a candle in your home whilst they are there to mark your respects.

theWarOnPeace · 27/08/2018 10:49

One of my friends is the most social and busy of all of us, always got somewhere to go and always zipping about, even after having babies. After her recent c-section, she was very tender and couldn’t really make it anywhere for about 5 weeks. It’s major surgery and needs to be treated as such, you can’t rush these things simply because it’s important to someone else. Just think of yourself and your baby. I’m assuming your DH is ok with you staying home and it’s just MIL expecting you to go, or are they both pressuring you?

Merryoldgoat · 27/08/2018 10:50

It depends on how you feel. I had to go to a funeral 2 weeks post c-section. It was a family member, cold snap in February, snow everywhere and nowhere to leave the baby so we all went.

It was fine and actually, the baby was a very nice presence and I got a break as he was passed around all day.

BUT I felt up to it - sore and tired but ok. If you aren’t then you aren’t and that’s fine.

I think I’d play it by ear.

Cuddlykitten123 · 27/08/2018 10:52

You don't need the stress of this over the next few weeks. Just answer any mention with a non-committal 'oh we will have to see how me and baby are doing' and stick to it.

You might feel great and be desperate to show off your georgous baby. You might love the chance to chill at home just you and bubs in your pjs....

sdaisy26 · 27/08/2018 10:58

I had to do similar when ds was about 10 days old (emcs). I wasn’t that up for it but it was fine and everyone enjoyed cooing over the baby.

I just wouldn’t make any decisions or give firm answers yet. Wait and see how you feel. You may be fine, you may not. You may feel like going, you may not. Don’t give it any more headspace at the moment.

BlairWaldorfsHeadband · 27/08/2018 10:59

I recovered within days of my cesarean, so you may be fine, but equally you may also feel like not going. YANBU.

whatwouldyoubelikeat28 · 27/08/2018 11:00

Tell her you can't wait and are very excited, and it will be WONDERFUL to introduce the baby to everyone, and then be VERY upset you had to go straight home after mass and couldn't attend the party because you'd be SO looking forward to it...

Somewhereovertherainbow13 · 27/08/2018 11:08

With ds1 we went to a family event when he was about 2 weeks old and i loved it, and then with ds3 I had no choice but to up and about after an emcs as ds1 was already at school and I couldn’t not take him. I think it’s one of those where yes you probably could go if you wanted but if you simply don’t want to go then don't. Nobody will judge you either way they might just be sad for a few moments they don’t get to see baby while s/he is so young

Cloglover · 27/08/2018 11:10

It sounds like they aren't going to listen to you, so just say that you'll try to make it but it depends how you feel on the day. And either plan to keep an open mind or decide now that you won't attend. I was fine 2 weeks post section. Driving, doing the shopping etc but I know that's not the case for everyone. And I just wouldn't have wanted the pressure hanging over me. I also wouldn't have wanted my newborn to be passed around. In the past I think people would have done what was expected of them, but that's not the case today. You have choices. Don't be forced into anything. Even if lots of people were expecting to see you there, it's the most normal thing in the world for a new mum to not go at the last minute. X

FlopsVoice · 27/08/2018 11:10

I could have done it. I had a section on the Tuesday, home on the Thursday and out and about on the Friday

I was also 24, fairly active throughout

Dunno if I could manage it out

FlopsVoice · 27/08/2018 11:10

Now* not out

mindutopia · 27/08/2018 11:13

I would just let her know that you have no idea how you'll be feeling or how well baby may be at that point so it's unlikely you'll be able to attend, but send you dh (and any other dc) for a few hours instead. I've had two very easy all natural home births and I would NOT have wanted to be out at a big party 2 weeks after giving birth. With my first, she was in hospital at a week old due to feeding issues, and even with my comparatively very easy second baby, we didn't even have guests over to the house for about 3 weeks (our families don't live close).

It's always possible you might be dying to get out and do something besides feeding the baby and sleeping and enjoy actually getting to eat a meal without a baby in one hand. But it's very likely you'll prefer some quiet and a nap. So I would just see how you feel but make it very clear that there should be no expectations that you'll be able to attend so that she can't get her panties in a twist about it later.

BuntyII · 27/08/2018 11:13

@whatwouldyoubelikeat28 has the right idea. Save yourself the bother of arguing, say you'll go, plan to go, then if you don't want to then just don't!

BlueJava · 27/08/2018 11:14

I don't think you can say right now how you'll feel 2 weeks post section. Tbh I'd be surprised if you felt you could make it, but see how it you feel on the day. However, if she needs a definite answer then it's a no (because you can't commit). Also, I understand why she needs to mark the day, but the whole family can't commit to something every year - sometimes ppl will go, sometimes not.

MissP103 · 27/08/2018 11:17

I've had a c sec that went very well but I wouldnt even considered going to any event two weeks after. I dont think you would be unreasonable to give the whole day a miss. Besides recovering you would there's a newborn. Your dh should just attend himself. I wouldn't feel bad - it's not every day that you have major surgery and besides you have attended every other year.

BlueSky198080 · 27/08/2018 11:20

Just tell her ‘we’ll see’. I had two very fast, and easy labours. Felt amazing aftwards, not even that sore. But by God was I tired by the 2/3 week mark. I can remember friends used to come around, I’d have fed and dp changed the baby before they arrived. They’d come in, and I would curl up in the corner of the sofa, pop a throw over me, and within minutes I’d be sleeping like a baby. (If I went to bed I wouldn’t sleep strangely). I’d wake up then when the baby needed feeding.

I didn’t care that I was being anti social. All I needed was sleep. Besides they didn’t want to see me anyway!

OP make no promises, and just see how you feel.

NewYearNewMe18 · 27/08/2018 11:24

Depends how you feel. I was another one, up off and out and we had the football club end of season shindig 9 days later, which I was perfectly able to attend.

cadburyegg · 27/08/2018 11:27

Sod that. I’ve had 2 babies and I was mostly hanging out in joggers and pjs for the first 6 weeks. Wouldnt have committed to an event like that. Oh, and I had vaginal deliveries! YADNBU

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