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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband not sympathetic?

35 replies

MilkTrayLimeBarrel · 27/08/2018 10:13

I have unfortunately suffered a number of minor illnesses during this spring and summer and am feeling quite drained now that autumn is approaching! I have said how exhausted I feel a couple of times and get absolutely no response from DH! When I asked him why he doesn't respond, he said that he didn't know what to say! We haven't had a proper holiday this year (apart from a mini City break) and won't be able to fit one in before the end of the year. AIBU to expect a bit more kindness and sympathy or an I just a whinger??

OP posts:
Queenofthestress · 27/08/2018 10:16

If my dp tells me he's exhausted he gets a do something about it reply. You're an adult, stop whinging and blooming to something about it yourself.

Queenofthestress · 27/08/2018 10:16

That should be do something about it yourself. No point in moaning your exhausted without trying to help yourself first.

MsOliphant · 27/08/2018 10:18

What would be your ideal response?

TBH if you're just going on about it he might not have anything more to say.

kaytee87 · 27/08/2018 10:20

What do you want him to say?

Duchessgummybuns · 27/08/2018 10:21

Maybe he’s found your many illnesses exhausting to deal with himself and has thus run out of sympathy for the time being? I’m not meaning to sound harsh but taking care of a poorly person is draining, have you asked him how he’s feeling lately?

Pinkunicorndog · 27/08/2018 10:21

YAAW.

Original poster
MilkTrayLimeBarrel · 27/08/2018 10:23

What does YAAW mean?

OP posts:
pickingdaisies · 27/08/2018 10:24

Op, I sympathise, so what would you actually like to happen? Does he need to help you out doing practical stuff? If so, you may need to spell it out. Ask him the way you'd ask a not very empathetic primary age child. Eg "really don't feel up to doing xxx, can you help me out please?" Taking bins out, cooking dinner, mowing lawn, whatever he expects to be"your" job. With a smile, and, and this is the hard bit, praise him for doing a good job when he's done it. Seriously, this worksGrin

Hogtini · 27/08/2018 10:25

Depends on the illnesses I guess and whether you'd taken steps to try and feel better - medications, fresh air, supplements etc. Not sure what you wanted him to say?

Pinkunicorndog · 27/08/2018 10:26

You are a whinger. That was your question Smile

LuluBellaBlue · 27/08/2018 10:28

Have you asked him how he feels lately?

^
This

NotTakenUsername · 27/08/2018 10:28

I’m not sure I have much sympathy for you. I did until I read you only had a city break... those things are exhausting!

Going on holiday when you are unwell is exhausting.

You do sound like a bit of a moan.

FatCow2018 · 27/08/2018 10:28

God I hate people whining about being tired! What do you expect him to say/do?!

You need to fix it and stop complaining. I get it, really I do. I've lived on an average of 4 hrs sleep for 20 years, but on one needs to hear how tired I feel.

Original poster
MilkTrayLimeBarrel · 27/08/2018 10:28

OK I'll shut up then! Thanks for the suggestion pickingdaisies- will try that. I guess I really just want some attention so will have to shake myself up and get on with it!

OP posts:
Louislovesmud · 27/08/2018 10:30

What's the relevancy of the holiday here?

If you're exhausted then surely the focus should be on making sure he's pulling his weight at home?

Whathat have you done to help yourself? Have you been to the doctors?

attentionspan · 27/08/2018 10:30

I get you OP. Mine is a bit like this as well. You just want acknowledgement and a sympathetic hug now and again.

Original poster
MilkTrayLimeBarrel · 27/08/2018 10:31

attentionspan - Exactly right!

OP posts:
confusedandconfuddled · 27/08/2018 10:35

Shouldn't have posted in AIBU OP.....only here would posters tell someone who's been ill for months that they should be asking about their husband more Confused

Padparadscha · 27/08/2018 10:37

I can’t be dealing with whingers. Once in a while of course, but last year my partner had the sniffles about once every 4-6 weeks for about 8 months (mix of colds and hay fever). Eventually I snapped with the woe-is-me act and basically said I didn’t want to hear it unless he was so ill he couldn’t muster the energy to moan. People who need attention over the slightest illness are exhausting.

Merryoldgoat · 27/08/2018 10:43

There’s a difference between a one off ‘I’m knackered’ or months of ‘I’m so tired’ with no effort to sort it out.

If you’re exhausted from no rest, are you resting?

If you’re exhausted from work are you doing something about it?

Have your illnesses been properly dealt with by a doctor?

If my husband said this repeatedly without trying to resolve it I wouldn’t be very sympathetic.

How was he when you were ill? If he was kind and supportive then, then I imagine he’s a bit ‘cared out’. If he was a mean fucker then he’s probably not a very kind person.

You have to weigh up his behaviour in context of the whole relationship.

Queenofthestress · 27/08/2018 10:43

I get it OP, I really do, I'm permanently exhausted, not enough sleep, not enough time to do anything apart from clean, I feel like rubbish 24/7, but all I do is do the shit I need to do, tell dp I'm feeling like crap/in pain, take some meds and go to bed early. Well, as early as two non sleepers let me. Sometimes if you feel like rubbish for a fair while then people run out of sympathy, I'm at the point of DP being surprised when I wake up in the morning and actually feel alright it's been that long haha

FetchezLaVache · 27/08/2018 10:46

What's the relevancy of the holiday here?

At a guess, I'd say it's that the OP would like to go on one and her husband is supposed to know this telepathically.

As Picking said, just tell him what you want to happen!

NonaGrey · 27/08/2018 10:46

You just want acknowledgement and a sympathetic hug now and again.

Why not say that then? That what DH and I do. “I’m feeling rubbish/upset/down/sad/tired I need a hug”

Easy peasy. No whining required

Cockapoomummy · 27/08/2018 10:49

I’ve not even had a city break and I don’t have a husband to whinge to. I’m knackered. I ache in every bone in my body.

So what. Get up and get on.

Letitgo2018 · 27/08/2018 11:01

I have no idea why people on AIBU feel the need to be rude and unsympathetic. Not sure they would speak to a real life person in front of them like that - only online.
OP - I get the feeling you are run down and / or not well and you were hoping your partner could help you with support and suggestions. That's not unreasonable especially if you would do that for him- isn't that what life partners are supposed to be for - or is it just women who usually provide that support.
Explain to him you would like him to be more caring toward you - check in with how your day is going and can he help- like a team .
I would also suggest going to the doctor and getting some bloods done to check out various conditions that can present with tiredness and discuss with the GP.
Also cut down on non essential tasks, too much driving, sleep well, eat healthily etc

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